Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
A few weeks ago I had a tiff with a friend. At the time it seemed
minor, the kind of thing that would blow over very quickly with a good
friend, with whom I could talk it out. This woman is a social friend, but
I would miss seeing her if we never went out to a movie again, and
there would certainly be ripples in or broader social circle. I’ve given
her time to cool off, explode, or forget, but nothing, despite my last
email saying, Do you want to see a movie? I do have an excuse to
write, because she’s a lawyer and a friend needs a referral. Do I ask
for that, just wait it out, or ask her why she hasn’t responded to the
Everyone disagrees differently. What might have seemed like a small
tiff to you could have been a much bigger deal to her. But without
contact and communication, you will never know. Some friends or
couples choose to disagree by shoving everything under the rug and
never discussing issues on which they do not agree, have had a fight,
etc. It’s a bad way to conduct a human connection, and lays a very
unstable foundation for future relating, so while the conflict averse
might embrace avoidance as a modus operadi, I counsel against it.
The more honest you can be, the more your friendship will thrive.
I’d send an email asking for the referral. And in a second paragraph,
acknowledge that you two had a disagreement and that you are
disappointed by her subsequent silence. Say that you’d asked if she
wanted to get together in part because you miss her company and also
to clear up any loose ends left over from the tiff, because you value
the friendship and want to move forward without any cloudy feelings.
If she does not respond to that paragraph, then let her come back
towards you over time. If she does not you’ll have your answer. If she
does get together, listen first and speak second.