Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been single for about three years. Some dating but no one special.
Recently I met a friend for lunch; she’d bumped into a client while
waiting for me. We all stood around chatting for a bit before he peeled
off. I didn’t pay too much attention to him, other than getting his vitals
(professional, once divorced, one grown child). I didn’t think too much
about it until I got a call from him last night to ask me out. That part’s
fine, as I might in fact want to date him. But it was clear in the
conversation that my friend had told him far more about me (I’m
talking vivid details, not broad strokes) than I would ever have
disclosed on a first date conversation, all without even telling me that
he’d asked for my number. I feel a little vulnerable with him and
definitely angry with her, who said she “just wanted to surprise me.”
Do I proceed or back away?
More than Surprised
Dear More than Surprised:
Blame her more than him. For her I recommend a mix of education
and appreciation, plus a tablespoon of guilt. Appreciation because she
really did you a favor by helping you meet someone eligible and
potentially interesting. Unfortunately her enthusiasm went way
overboard, in a troublesome and invasive way. Clearly she has
boundary issues. Make it very clear to her, for now and the future,
what’s okay to say and what’s off limits. Okay might include a little
more than name, rank, and serial number (or in this case, job,
divorces, and children). But part of the fun of dating is learning
someone’s stories from them, especially because their personal history
is theirs to share. And in her urge to sell you, she robbed you of both
privacy and fun.
That said, think of it as research instead of prying. Don’t hold it
against him. Instead, try to be playful when you do connect. Say
though your friend has given him many headlines, you’re not sure she
or he got it right since you weren’t part of the convo. Ask him to
match you story for story, in part to level the playing field, and in part
to correct any misinformation. Act like the proud and confident person
you appear to be. The good news is that if she’s blabbed any deep,
dark secrets and he’s still interested, you may be onto a good new
prospect.