To Go or Not to Go? That is the Question
Your Jewish Fairy Godmother’s 10 Commandments
for Deciding about a Job Change

We’ve all had those days, the ones where we feel trapped, pent up like a caged tiger in our office or cubicle. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Can time go any s…l…o…w…e…r…??????

What do you do when you’re bored with your job? When there’s a movie you’d much rather see than writing a memo about different brands of toner. How do you cope when only the mortgage keeps you from telling your boss “I can’t take it anymore. I’m outta here.”

If you’re bored, seriously bored enough that it can’t be cured by some days off this week or long weekends next month to look forward to, you’re going to have to face the big question: to go or not to go? Take a deep gulp. Ask yourself if you’re ready to take a cold, hard look at what you do for a living, and why. When the answer’s yes, use these commandments to help you decide about staying or hitting the road.

 

Commandment Number 1: Be honest with yourself.

In everything that follows, your ability to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help whatever is sacred to you, will be critical. If you convince yourself you can work night shift, when your body clock gets you up at 5 a.m., you’re going to end up miserable somewhere different, and cranky to boot. If you want the money that a CPA makes, but hate numbers, you’re going to have to spin the wheel and pick again. Your ability to name and claim your virtues, your flaws, and your priorities is a critical, necessary, and ultimately pivotal ingredient in this process. You can fool yourself some of the time, but why start there. This is a chance for a fresh start, where you are or some place new. So buy a first class ticket with the truth.

 

Commandment Number 2: Take an inventory of your life.

Before you tackle your work life specifically, you need to see where it fits into the big picture of your world. Draw a wagon wheel without a rim, where each spoke is a different part of your world. Identify the sectors of your life that matter and name each spoke: family, finances, friendship, romance, health, spirituality, etc. as well as work. If your life is great, make a mark at or nearer the outer perimeter of the spoke. If it’s lousy, mark close to the center of the wheel. So-so, in the middle. Then connect the marks. If you end up with a big round circle, you’re probably not really bored and your life is full, rich, and grand (or you’re not being honest)! If you get a round wheel, but a teeny one, everything is ^&$&^(&^-y. Most folks get a lumpy wheel on which to roll though life. But why settle for that, if you’re really ready for change.

 

Commandment Number 3: Take an inventory of your work life.

Now do the same exercise, but specifically for your career and your work life. The categories will be different, but not completely so. Sure, you’ll look at income and whether or not you have friendships at work. But you should also consider practical matters like schedule and commuting patterns, as well as prospects for advancement, fit with your educational level, and what you spend your work hours doing. Note: It’s important to do this exercise twice: once on a good day, a day when you’ve gotten complimented for a job well done; and also on a day when you are restless and bored. Compare your wheels. Both sets of insights are relevant and will inform the next set of choices that you will examine.

 

Commandment Number 4: Think about how you cope with change.

This commandment goes well with your favorite form of self-indulgence, like a glass of comfort or a bag of chips or cookies. Change is scary. Most of us, when confronted with the prospect of uprooting our lives, turn to more serous forms of self-sabotage, like picking a fight with our loved ones, or turning into oncoming traffic. Instead of self-destructive behavior, try to stay conscious. Take some time to really ask yourself if you are ready to make a shift, and if not, what you can do to get yourself that way. This might mean prancing around in your interview clothes, a diet to drop ten pounds, or writing a list of everything you hate about looking for work. Then read the help wanted for a reality check about what’s out there that you qualify for. This step is sobering, but can also be inspirational.

 

Commandment Number 5: Make the money aspects real.

Look at what you need to make it through each month and year. Understand your baseline financial needs. Look at your assets and savings. Look at your debts and obligations, both monthly and annual. Make a budget. Examine the fixed and variable costs in your life and decide if you’re ready to make some sacrifices, short-run deprivation for long-run benefit. Short run investments for long-run return. If you are already too encumbered, your shift may pause for a while. This is a strategic part of the process. It will help you decide if you need to stay in your job while you look, or if you can afford to risk committing yourself to a full-time work search. There are few things as satisfying as acting out your feelings in the moment. But few as dangerous as having jumped too soon when a good plan would have kept you solvent.

 

Commandment Number 6: Prepare your family.

Sit down with those who share your financial reality or who will have to listen to your whining if you do or don’t leave. Brace them for changes you cannot predict. Ask their opinion. [Note: If you are single, talk to your three best friends, people who know your moods, your needs, and your priorities.] Tell them you are truly not decided what to do, except that some change is inevitable or you’re going to become unhappier. The conversation may frighten them, but they’re not the ones who have to go to your job every day, to put up with your cranky boss or unreasonable workload. It may also relieve them to learn that your moods are not related to their behavior. Explain your reasons for wanting change. Ask for the help you’ll need through the process. That may range from emotional support to networking. Your goal is to engage their support, inspire them to help, and get them to keep you honest. Tell them to keep asking you the hard questions, and to serve as your mirror and cheerleader.

 

Commandment Number 7: Update your resume.

Fish it out of whatever directory or drawer you stashed it in when you landed your last job. Read it like a critical stranger. What does it say about the person you were then. Now imagine updating it for the person you have become since you took this job. Think of what new skills you’ve acquired and how you can document what you’ve done. But remember too that the whole reason you’re looking for work is because you want something different than what you have. Otherwise, why would you move? Think about the different ways you might realistically sell yourself. Practice writing two or three resumes, with different perspectives, like management, customer service, or something technical. Imagine your possible futures and see which make you yawn and which get you excited.

 

Commandment Number 8: Reinvigorate your reality.

Now that your creative juices are flowing, think of ways to make your current job better. Think of a new project you can tackle or a problem that you’re willing to use a dramatic new solution to resolve. Talk to your supervisor. Tell him/her that you’re hungry for new challenges. Ask to be a team leader for something. Try to attract some attention and get recognition from the people who matter. Ask about possible changes of responsibility, schedule, teammates, salary, whatever needs a fix. Think of changes that would make you excited about coming to work every day. Note: If your boss asks if you’re gonna leave unless you get your way, swear the loyalty oath M-F, 8-5. You can keep your fingers crossed behind your back. But do say you want to utilize more of your potential.

 

Commandment Number 9: Try on an attitude readjustment.

You’ll need to be perky in a new job anyhow, so this is great time to practice your professional smile, fake or sincere. The truth is, on any given week, most people would rather be on vacation than at work, so if your misery longs for company you have lots of it. But who wants to be miserable or hang around someone who is? Look at your list of positives about work. Every day find a way to express gratitude for those. Figure out a strategy to work on the negatives while you upgrade your current job or find your new one. Choosing to be happy has delightful and unpredictable benefits. It’ll make the short-run feel shorter and better. It may even increase the chances you’ll land something new, because people like to hire people they think they’ll enjoy working with.

 

Commandment Number 10: Network, network, network.

There’s a vast web of connections that will help you hear about jobs, all within a sentence or two of your next conversation. You have no way of knowing who knows whom or about what job. Now’s the time to amplify your ability to get into any line that’s forming for any position you might care about. Find contacts at places that are hiring. Let people know–people where you play, pray, and pay–that you’re looking for a good new change. If they ask what you want, say you’ve been doing X but you’re also open to Y or Z. Use words like challenge and responsibility, not bored and frustrated. Ask if they’ll keep their eyes and ears open. Tell them you can supply good professional and character references that’ll reflect well on them for the referral.

 

The most important element in this process is you. Your attitude and your willingness to step up. To beat the blahs of boredom, say yes to every possibility and match it against your life wheels. When the right opportunity comes along, roll on down the road with a happy and satisfied smile.

 

 

 

When Your Boss is One Tough ***

Your Jewish Fairy Godmother’s 10 Commandments for

Learning Through Adversity

 

Everyone’s had a least one: the kind of nightmare boss that makes the sadistic drill instructor in some war movie seem like a kindly old grandmother. The kind of S** or B**** that makes you want to flee to the nearest corner bar and tank up, and then go home and vent for several hours.

 

Good news: you’re not alone. Even better news: Like cod liver oil or public speaking, this is an experience that’s not only good for you but going to improve you in ways you would never predict. Not saying it’s going to be fun and games along the way. Almost for sure guaranteeing that it won’t be. But the commandments below will help you minimize the pain and optimize the experience.

 

Commandment Number1: Sign up or get out.

You know the movie where they lead the convicted guy out of the courtroom in handcuffs, and he has this bleak look of imminent terror in his eyes as he shuffles to his doom? Handy tip: never look like that when you come into the office. If you really cannot imagine yourself working for this person another minute longer than you have to, work on your resume and devote every waking minute you can to getting a different job. But while you’re still there, follow the rest of the commandments.

 

Commandment Number 2: Take the loyalty oath.

You don’t have to love your *** Boss, but you have to accept his/her authority and leadership.  Nothing’s harder to deal with in a workplace than divided loyalties. While you’re in the job, you need to be on the team. Not half-heartedly, but with conviction and purpose. You need to be willing to make your boss look good, and make yourself look good in the process. Don’t go blabbing about his/her foibles and don’t do anything to undercut the success of your working group. As long as you are part of this team you are going to have to wear its colors. You can send out as many resumes as you want on your own time, but 8-5 M-F you are a devoted member of Team Tough.

 

Commandment Number 3: Cultivate respect.

Unless you work for an organization riddled with corruption or stupidity, there’s reasons (whether they be good, bad, silly, incomprehensible, nepotism, blackmail, or something like perceived merit, but very real) why your boss is your boss. S/he got promoted for achievement or potential that someone yet higher on the food chain than you are counting on to make the company money and/or do good deeds. Figure out what traits make your boss valuable in the eyes of the bossier bosses, and decide to appreciate them, perhaps even mimic them. Show your respect in how you speak and how you act, both directly to your boss and when you speak about him/her to others in the organization.

 

Commandment Number 4: Work hard, very hard.

A hard boss can be a good boss. A hard boss can also provide you an opportunity to show what an excellent employee you are. Anyone can skate under a lax or uncaring supervisor. But to shine under a tough boss will earn you the approval and respect of anyone who notices. And I can assure you that people do. Anyone in the working group will know what you’re facing and anyone outside it will be thanking their stars every day that they aren’t in the same boat. You may not know that folks in Human Resources watch this sort of thing, but they do Every organization has its own character and if you can demonstrate yours it will be to your great credit.

 

Commandment Number 5: Ask your boss to mentor you.

Take your finger out of your throat. Flattery is a wonderful lubricant. Make it work for you. There’s nothing more disarming than a person suggesting that you are a good role model or worth learning from. You may want to give your tongue a good cleansing scrape later, but if you can say something like the following to your boss, you may shift the dynamic from something bad to something better, or even to something good: “I know you’re a tough boss, but I want you to help make me the best employee I can become.” Then, no matter what the requirements, do your best to meet them.

 

Commandment Number 6: Learn, learn, learn.

No matter how tough your boss is, s/he has something to teach you. What got your boss the job that tells you what to do? Is it smarts, effort, persistence, or wily politics? Study your boss’s habits and see what you can learn about what your company values. Ask questions about how and why certain things are done as they are. Become a student of success and you will attract attention and kudos, perhaps from people even more important than your immediate supervisor. Remember, your goal is to get a promotion out of your current situation, so keep your eyes and ears open for chances to learn and to shine.

 

Commandment Number 6: Set goals and make them happen.

Nothing distracts from pain better than goal orientation and rewards for meeting them. You can use the goals your boss/mentor sets and/or set them for yourself. But be sure they are documented both before and after you meet them. When you have a review or evaluation, ask what would make you more of a success. Set standards and timelines, and identify short and long run rewards for yourself. When you’ve proven that you’re as good as your word, set an external goal and communicate it to your boss. As in, If I accomplish x, y, z could that merit me a raise? It raises the ante but will keep you focused.

 

Commandment Number 8: Keep your big mouth shut.

Like side-seat driving and Monday-morning quarterbacking, complaining about a tough boss is one of our favorite pastimes. It’s a way to vent the annoyance and frustration that builds up from feeling like you have no voice and that someone else has extraordinary and inappropriate power over you. You may desperately want to tell the tale of the latest abuse you’ve endured, in part to distress and in part for the need for raw sympathy. But remember that every story you tell has a life of its own, in the retelling by the listener who may not have your career goals in the center of their competitive bulls-eye. What your boss hears you have said may not be the truth and could come back to bite you somewhere tender.

 

Commandment Number 9: Network with your peers.

This may seem like a contradiction to Commandment number 8 but it is not. The truth is that on any given day any boss is a tough boss or a bad boss or an annoying boss. We all need to let off steam and we all need to know that everyone faces the same dilemmas. The trick is to be able to complain about the circumstances without personalizing it to the boss. If you can learn to do that you’ll be able to connect with others who are now lateral to you who might: get a promotion sooner and hire you away, be a better fit and want to swap places (note, also risky), or who might have networks in places they cannot move to but might be good for you.

 

Commandment Number 10: Take mental health breaks.

Most jobs have requisite break times for staff.  But I’m talking about actual unplugging from the 24/7 culture cultivated by tough bosses that assumes the boss has a higher place in our lives that family, health, or even God. Make sure you get downtime on weekends and on actual vacations. Even if it is a complete lie, say you’re going to be backpacking, sailing, or otherwise out of cell range. Make sure you have all your chores done before you leave the office and keep your files well documented. Because if something completely explodes when you do not answer you will certainly get the blame. But if you can keep things wired tight you should be able to unwire yourself enough to come in Mondays feeling optimistic and challenged, instead of angry and resentful.

 

One final note: It really is okay to have a beer, and to vent, and to find non-lethal ways of stress reduction. But remember never ever to let any of your frustration leak into your office. Everything you say will live on in someone’s memory and you do not want to become the target of an angry boss who can send you packing.

 

Look on this period the way you would boot camp. It’s a chance to develop some muscles that will serve you well when you land in easier places, and help you shine among colleagues who haven’t had the chance to learn climbing up these same tough hills. You may not believe it now, but some day you may even thank your tough boss for the chance to toughen up yourself.

 

 

 

Where’s Your Edge?

Your Jewish Fairy Godmother’s Prescription for

Leaping into Your Next Challenge

 

The alarm goes off. You brush your teeth, brew some caffeine and head in. What day is it? Monday-ugh; Tuesday-yawn; Wednesday-halfway (hooray!); Thursday-hang in there; Friday-TGIF!!!

 

What’s the problem? You know the drill. You know your job. You can script every day of the week, not down to the labels on the lost files but pretty close. You’re okay: secure, entrenched, safe, and yikes, can you say it out loud, totally bored,. You don’t want to die in this job but how’re you going to find the energy to prepare yourself for what happens next? Where did your energy and ambition go? Where’s your edge?

 

It’s a not uncommon lament. We’re all looking for that scent of danger, the utter vitality than comes from feeling completely alive. Not that we walk around wanting to face off lions or tigers; usually bosses are scary enough. We don’t really want to know first-hand if a parachute will open; giving a presentation is enough of a life-threatening thrill. But often we crave, secretly or not, the intensity and zeal that comes when we’re fully focused. And we tend to be most focused when we take risks, when we’re willing to leave the safety of a predictable week and test ourselves, see how we do in a new and different world.

 

So what’s it take to get ready? What do you have to do? Not just updating your resume and searching the help wanteds. What do you have to do on the inside? How do you leave behind the emotional baggage that’s weighting you down?

 

One way to face risk is to leave a safe distance between you and the edge. Look for an internal promotion. Be sure you have a secure financial safety margin. But what happens if you push the envelope a little? If you take the essentially risk-averse parts of your nature, the ones that usually run the show, and muzzle them for a while? If you allow yourself a flight of fantasy, visions of what you think you’d create, would become, would be if only.

 

The key is the ‘if only.’

 

Because if all you do is dream and then tuck those disruptive little thoughts away, or smile indulgently and then go back to your desk, sit back in the familiar chair of your predictable life, you’re doing yourself a great disservice.

 

That’s not to say that today is the day to quit your job and start a dot-com (or even to proclaim your adoration to the secret crush in an adjoining cubicle). But it might be the day to remember how to dream. To leave some space for an edge to appear, and then not to run from it.

 

Most of us have been trained to be parakeets. Too few were encouraged to become eagles. No one ever said: You can learn to fly. The ‘If only’s’ are the doubts that weight your wings, the words that keep you on the ground, safe in your cage. Take some time to think about what it means to fly. Because that’s what an edge is really all about. It’s what happens when you go over the side and trust that your wings will carry you.

 

How can you encourage yourself to take risks? And how can you figure out which risks to take?

 

The answer: start talking to yourself more and trusting the answers you come up with. In you is a great sense of understanding of what you really want, what makes you happy, what you’re willing to work and strive for, what you simply no longer are willing to put up with, and what you’re willing to sacrifice to reach some goal.

 

If you can learn to listen you will let yourself over the edge more often. You will probably make some ‘mistakes,’ but they won’t harm you more than you can bear. Though you may end up with a few tattered feathers, you’ll also learn something powerful. If you do it often enough, with a proper sense of joy and exploration, with fewer ‘if only’s’ weighting your wings, flying will begin to feel as effortless as swinging out of bed on a workday morning.

 

Risks don’t have to be big to give you the benefits you aspire to. You don’t have to throw yourself over a steep edge to feel the rush of pure air. You just have to want to take them badly enough to banish doubt from your mind.

 

Go for your dream, whatever it is. And if you aren’t sure, clear some space in your life for it to show up. When it does, fly with it.

 

 

 

Finding Your Wings

1. Commit half an hour completely to yourself. You can do this at home, (though turn off all phones), or in a library or a park. The key is insulating yourself from all distractions.

2. Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a line down the page. At the top of the left column, write Topic, and above the other one write Failure/Worst.

3. Write the following words in the left-hand column: Job; Salary; Job Search; Interview; Promotion; Boss; Colleague; Project; Learning Experience; Challenge. Feel free to adapt or add others.

4. You may come up with answers while you are writing the list. Jot down whatever comes to mind. This is a Working World  Rorschach test. Grab what’s in your forebrain first, so you remember it, and then peel it back and see what’s below. Most important: be honest.

5. Go through the list the way you would a crossword puzzle. Ideas and memories will trigger more ideas and memories. Your goal is emptying out all the fears, fixed ideas, and blocks you have about your work history. It may take you a while to put something in every category, but persist until you feel empty.

6. Take a week off from this project. Then go back and do the same thing, but label the right-hand column Success/Best. Repeat the previous steps till you’ve got the good things identified. Then reread both lists. What you’ll find out is:

Your failures, embarrassing moments scary times, will feel less bad to you. They are history. You’ve learned from them. You can move on. Burn the first list.

Your successes will give you strength and courage. Look at what you’ve already done! Read that list every day for a week. Keep it on your desk and add anything good that you remember or do.

7. Take a new sheet of paper and describe the next job you want. Be explicit. List everything from work hours to pay, title, responsibilities, whatever you feel you can imagine now and anything good you think of while you search.

8. Tape the list to your bathroom mirror and read it every time you brush your teeth.

9. Every time you send out a resume or go to an interview, remind yourself you’re the best person they could hire.

10. Repeat as needed until you believe #9 or reach your goal.