Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was in a six-month something last year, where something was not
quite a relationship (he started out saying “I’m not in love with you but
I am very attracted to you”), yet more than an affair (the attraction
was mutual and satisfying and we got close), but ultimately not
enough for either of us. We took winter off and then started to go out
socially for movies, dinner, etc on a casual basis. He gave subtle and
then less subtle signals that he has interested in resuming the sexual
part of the relationship again, but stressed it would be friends with
benefits, not anything more. I know he’s tried to date but not found
anyone nearly as good for him as me. I have pretty much decided I’m
done with dating, and that the complications of friends with benefits
are outweighed by the brief pleasures. Last night he finally asked me
outright, “Are we ever going to get back together for FUN?” I was so
taken aback I said I wanted to sleep on it, even though what I should
have said was No! Is there more that I should say now?

No U Turns

 
Dear No U Turns:

The easiest answer is No!, but accompanying it with a note or email
that says more might help reinforce the impact. Here’s a shot at what
to say: Dear X – I’m flattered that you want to resume a sensual
relationship with me. You’re a nice guy and I enjoy being friends. But
our last round of “fun” left me a little off kilter and I would prefer to
avoid doing that again. We’ve worked to create what feels like a lovely
friendship. I like you and enjoy spending time together. I wish you
well in your dating search. But I’m not the gal for you. I hope you still
want to be my movie date. I’ll hug you an early good night.
Then leave it up to him to move towards you. And start diversifying
your repertoire of movie buddies. I predict he’ll move on.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I made a stupid mistake. I slept with someone in my bridge club and
book group. That’s one person, not two, but most importantly, he’s
someone in both of the places that I use for recreation and escape
from my busy professional life. I’ve been single for three years since
my husband died. I’ve dated but hadn’t gotten serious with anyone
before this. This time I allowed myself to simply fall into bed after a
brief courtship, in part because he seemed like a very stable, nice guy.
A doctor btw. It turns out he is needy beyond belief, relentlessly
pursuing a relationship I’ve decided I do not want, primarily because
of his personality and neediness. This takes the form of persistent
calling, emailing, texting, and generally being a pain in the butt who
won’t take “No thanks” as a message. Is there some kind of silver
stake I can use to make him go away without having to drop out of all
my hobby groups?

Harassed

 
Dear Harassed:

You need to move from No, thanks to No! My advice, be very
consistent about treating him like a friend only. Simply don&'t buy in to
anything else by responding to any or every overture or message. His
attention-seeking behavior will pass. It will take time. That will feel like
much too long but it will pass, eventually, if you refuse to engage in
anything other than what you would with a regular friend. That means
being cordial and friendly in group interactions, asking all the right
How are you? type questions but not volunteering anything personal
and avoiding anything remotely resembling a one-on- one interaction.
If he persists, he may take sending one simple, very short email that
says roughly: Your efforts to continue our intimacy have crossed the
line from persistent to inappropriate. I liked you enough to date you
but that part of who we have been to one another is over. O.v.e.r.
We&'re friends. That&'s all for now and future. I do not want to rehash
any of the why’s or why not’s. Please respect this boundary. If you
hold your ground he will back away, if only out of wounded pride. Just
be friendly to everyone else and don’t discuss—ever– what happened
between you and him with any of the other folks in either group. Look
forward, not back. And try not to let this sour you on dating.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in mourning and I have no one to talk to. I recently ended a 15-
month affair. Correction: the 15-month affair I was happily enjoying
was ended for me. My playmate was in what columnist Dan Savage
refers to as a “monogamish” couple: happy and devoted on the
outside, and the husband had “privileges” that he enjoyed with me.
We thoroughly enjoyed together. Because this is a very very small
world I told no one. No one. I just hoped it would go on forever. But
he’s had a serious medical condition and his wife is insisting that he
not “spend any energy” on things other than healing. Having just
recovered from a brief medical stint myself I am sure his libido is low
anyhow. I can wait. And perhaps she’ll change her mind. Or he will,
when he recovers and is faced with the same world of non-physical
intimacy they’ve shared for a decade. But for now, I am hurting. Do
you have any balming words, because I have no one to talk to here?

Yes I know It Always Ends This Way

 
Dear YIKIAETW:

You said it best. Very few affairs have the staying power of a marriage.
Though many of them transform the older marriage into a divorce and
the affair onto become the next sequential marriage. Though as the
old adage goes, If he’ll cheat on her, why would you think it would be
different with you? The “monagamish” part of the equation suggests a
very solid base for him, which might have led to a longer affair,
medical issues not withstanding. And you must be made of stern stuff
yourself, to have confided in absolutely no one. That’s almost rarer
than an open relationship that’s satisfying to all three parties.

 
My general observation is that people who can sob and wail do better
in this situation. If you’re not by nature a person who cries, peel a lot
of onions. Or stand in the shower and screech along to hard rock or
sentimental ballads. Do whatever it takes to get the feelings out into
the open, rather than encapsulated in your gut. Speaking of which,
this would be a good time to choose to go off things like chocolate,
chips, and processed foods. The ten pounds you could gain in
mourning will not make you feel any better, though they will help with
a solid base for added self-pity over time. Join a gym. Take a class.
Put yourself in situations where you might meet someone who’s more
available to you, and who doesn’t have a wife at home who’ll get the
last vote on your happiness.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
The other day I was visiting a friend’s house. She was very insistent
on showing me new piece of art in her bedroom. It was impressive and
expensive, from an artist I also admire but cannot afford. While she
was adjusting the lighting, I saw something poking out from under the
bed that I don’t think she’d be very happy I saw. Her husband’s
probably aware of this “marital aide,” but unless she’s contemplating a
major switch in our friendship (not really my thing), it’s really none of
my business what she does for recreation. That said, simply seeing it
has set off curiosity, and a little envy of her sensual creativity. Is this
something I can ask about or should I just erase my memory?
Not Snooping

Dear Not Snooping
Social science researchers have a notoriously difficult time getting
good data on nutrition and sexuality. People tend to underestimate
what they put in their mouths and overestimate what they do in their
bedrooms. Sex is simply a subject where having a good and honest
conversation is far less likely than others.

 
You can bring up sex, repeat sex not what you saw, in a conversation
and see if she takes the bait. She can tell you what she chooses to,
but if you want to stay friends, don’t be tempted to tell her what you
saw. You can express curiosity about exploration. You can lead the
witness as TV lawyers try to do. But if you start telling her you saw her
marital secrets she’s more likely to clam up than be honest. In the
unlikely event she wants to get much more personal, this also is a
chance for her to ask and you to decline.

 
When she went back to her room she may have seen what you did and
wondered if you saw anything. So once you’re talking about expanding
sensual horizons, assuming she feels safe, she may ask you. Then you
can say you saw there was something there but not what.

Remember YourJFG’s Commandment 7: Say what needs to be said. In this case,
not more, and maybe even a little less.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been married for fifteen years. I didn’t marry my husband out of
passion, though we’ve had an okay sex life on and off. He is a
wonderful gentle man who loves me and takes very good care of me.
Unlike my ex, he has a stable job, bought us a house for a wedding
gift. He is caring, helpful, handy, and we share a rich emotional and
spiritual life. My best friend is in the throes of a torrid new
relationship. She occasionally talks about things other than her new
flame, but it’s certainly foremost in her mind. Hubby overheard us
talking (apparently the vents carry conversation form the living room
to the basement) and now is eager to try resuscitating our flagging
intimacy. It’s lukewarm at best, tepid in truth. Do I do my wifely duties
or offer him a cold shower?
Not Hot

 
Dear Not Hot:
You don’t give your age but if you are fifteen years into a second
marriage I am going to assume you have crested 40. So the first place
to go is not the adult store but to your doctor. Get a full blood workup:
get your hormone levels checked, and see if s/he has other
suggestions. Many adults experience a decline in their sexual appetite
for lots of reasons. And it’s certainly easier to be all hot and bothered i
a torrid new affair than in a companionable marriage. Don’t acquiesce
to living tepid too soon. Intimacy enhances communication as well as
physical well being.

 
Assuming your medical work checks out, start with an intimate
conversation with your husband. Ask him what he likes, what he
doesn’t, and what he wants more or less of in your intimate life.
“More!” is not enough of an answer, though it might be the average
guy’s quick response. It may take time (or even possibly a counselor),
for you both to become disclosing and honest. You might even be
embarrassed, but it’s an important conversation. I’ll pass on the
specifics of the bedroom, but I’d recommend date nights, romantic
evenings, kissing and making out on the sofa (no sex allowed), and
generally letting romance and some sexual tension to build up. I’ll bet                            your temperature gets much hotter than you expect.

PS: Keep talking because the mind is the most erogenous zone.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m this close to starting an affair. That’s what other people would call
it, because the man in question is married. Every cliché in the book
applies to what he says about his marital sex life. But he’s not
deluding me with any hope it will become anything other than sex. He
and his wife (whom I’ve met socially) have three boys, and a very
strongly committed relationship. But she has never enjoyed sex, due
to a mangled surgery in her childhood. According to him she has
encouraged him to “find an outlet” and even suggested me as a
possible sexual partner (Mondays only) “to help their marriage.”
According to him she fears celibacy will eventually erode their
marriage, and a controlled relationship with me is a better option. I
know what I would tell any friend or client (don’t laugh but I’m a
therapist). But I’ve been attracted to him since we met three years
ago, and right now I’ll settle for anything I can have.
On the Edge

 
Dear On the Edge:
I’m assuming what you’d tell a client might differ from what you’d say
to a friend. To either I hope you’d predict the certainty of short-run joy
followed by inevitable heartbreak. Throw in the likelihood that you’ll
lose access to your paramour as a friend after the affair ends. Every
pair of lovers begins believing that they are different and that they’ll
beat the odds. But the costs of short-run pleasure are heavily
outweighed by the long-run sorrows. If you’re determined to leap off
this cliff, nothing anyone can say will dissuade you. You’ll wrap
yourself tightly in Better to have loved and lost than never to have
loved at all. And that may be enough for you now.

 
Adultery notwithstanding, if the three of you do manage to create a
functional polyamorous relationship, you’ll still have to face the
problems of secrecy and/or disclosure. You may not be able to share
the source of your newfound happiness with anyone except your
closest friends. Most people will have strong judgments, as well as
fears that their own spouse might be infected with desire. Also, all
three of you need to think about your reputations in the community. I
predict more trouble than joy, though the joy will come first.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I had a horrible Thanksgiving. I was depressed and lonely. Generally
my life is good, and lately it’s been even better, because, gulp. I am
“the other woman” in an affair. He says he loves me and of course I
have hopes that someday he will leave his wife, though it is very early
and I know the odds are not in my favor. We have a very special
connection as well as great “chemistry” so I know he’ll want to keep
seeing me. But a few hours a week are not enough for me to show him
how I feel. Do you have any good advice for helping this end the way I
want? I love him and know he loves me, but is trapped in a loveless
and sexless marriage, just like I used to be.
Ready to Wait

 
Dear Ready:
It’s gonna be a long wait, and probably won’t happen. So if you are
willingly play the role of the mistress, knowing your heart will
eventually be broken and that he will move on to greener pastures,
you should at least recalibrate your expectations. Expect a lot more
loneliness than together time. Get used to feeling like you want to dial
him, but cannot. Assume that you are someone he wants to spend
time with (at least for “the chemistry”) but that your together time will
happen on his schedule not yours. Assume broken plans and lots of
uncertainty. Know you will spend a lot of time waiting hear from him,
and that you may not always like what you hear.

 
Last but not least, remember than any man who will cheat on his wife
with you, is at least as likely to cheat on you with someone else. That’s
not just bad odds. It’s the road to pain and sorrow. But it is your right
to choose it. On those dark and lonely nights, ask yourself what you
truly deserve, and then look for that.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Please don’t get too moralistic on me until I explain. My longtime ex
just moved here from cross-country. He is in the traditional “loveless”
marriage with two kids, except in this case there is lots of love and
affection, but no sex. His wife has agreed it is fine for him to have an
affair, or more properly, a long-term mistress, as long as there are
some “rules,” the biggest one being that no one outside the three of us
know, because he’s prominent in the community. I am single and 55,
no spring chicken, and have stopped looking for Mr. Right. I’m happy
alone, but miss physical intimacy. Even his therapist says its okay. Do
you?
Third Wheel

 
Dear Third Wheel:
How often have you seen this movie? How often have you seen this
movie end happily for the third wheel character? Generally, the
mistress ends up sobbing and lonely, if not worse, say killed off by the
wife, the husband, or by her own hand. That’s not to say she doesn’t
have some good times in the short run, and a vivid, if often hollow,
romance to zing up her otherwise drab life. But is this really what you
want and deserve? Sure it’s hard to find someone that you’re attracted
to. But maybe the secrecy and danger are part of the attraction, and
they keep you from honestly investing in a relationship with a real and
available partner. I’m not even invoking the commandment about
adultery, because usually people in your condition don’t listen to
morality. But tuck that away in the why-not column too.

 
So here’s my advice, none of which do I expect you to heed now,
though I do suggest you save this answer for later, when you might.
First: Just say no. Transmute the energy into something, anything
else. Get physical, but in a different way: join a gym or a team; start
doing yoga. When you reject that idea, have a direct conversation with
the wife, and get her to follow it up with a note that can be waved in
her face later, when she inevitably changes her mind. Not that I doubt                     hubby’s account, but that’ll kill some of the magic and take some of
the heat out of things. If she really does agree, it also makes it less
likely that she’ll show up at your door with a shotgun and or wake the
neighbors branding you a _______. Whatever word you just filled in
that blank, imagine it in the local paper. Still interested? Consider an
appointment together with the therapist, as a twosome or a
threesome. If you still want to hug and kiss after all of that reality
therapy, my guess is there’s now way to save you from your mid-life
hormones.

P.S. I’ll expect to talk to you later, on the downslide.