Category Archives: Family & Celebrations

Second Life

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a relationship question that is long-run not short. I’ve been with
my new girlfriend and (I hope) eventual wife for two years. She
started dating me even though I wasn’t fully divorced. And slowly but
surely it has become a strong loving relationship. The problem is that
her 14-year old daughter still refuses to accept me. The ex is a pot-
smoking, guitar-playing, rock-star wanna be who doesn’t get that at
age 45 his chance for fame and glory is long past. But his daughter
adores him. I’m older than any of them and within three years of
retirement from a very high stress job I can’t wait to leave. The
daughter is smart but not get a scholarship brilliant. There has been
no discussion of adoption given her age. And I am happy to help out
with college costs in addition to my usual monthly household
contribution. But I am not eager to prolong my work life misery for a
young woman who treats me with scorn. I know it sounds early but
how can I explain my needs without further alienating her?

Second Life

 
Dear Second Life:

Relationships grow and change over time. It’s the rare parent, even a
bio parent, who has a great relationship with a teenager. And with my
advice I’m am in no way advocating that ant offer of support you make
be seen as a bribe to get her to appreciate you more or treat you
better. That said, be as honest and transparent as you can with both
mother and daughter.

 
Explain that your current level of financial support for the household
will go on even after you retire in three years. Say that you are willing
to contribute towards college costs in addition, but not to work longer
to contribute more. Say that when the daughter does apply to schools
she can count on a firm commitment from you of $x thousand per year
for a specified number of years. Explain that the only criteria are on
going civility and maintaining a specified grade level. Be clear that the
support will end if she drops out, does poorly, or treats her mother or
you with disrespect. Nothing may change or time and familiarity may
improve things. But you can proceed with a clear conscience.

Queen For The Day

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I come from a loud, boisterous, very mixed family. You name it, we
got it! There are Jews and Catholics, Bernie-lovers and Rubio-crats,
high-school dropouts and college professors, Prius drivers and NASCAR
fans. About the only thing we do agree on is college football (though if
you value your eardrums and sanity, don’t talk about pro ball in any
season of the year!!!0 Here’s my question: It’s my turn this year to host
Thanksgiving, an honor that rotates about every six years.

 

Sometimes the hostess does it all (and by all I mean either catered
from an excellent local restaurant, down to the after-dinner mints),
sometimes it is done as a potluck (with vague instructions like “yams”
or “something green”), and sometimes the hostess allocates specific
recipes with instructions to each participating family member, taking
responsibility for bird, stuffing, and wine. I can’t afford the catering
route (which I frankly think is the opposite of the holiday spirit), and
to me the specificity of the various culinary choices matters far less
than the idea that we are come together as a family, even a family
that agrees on almost nothing for more than a minute or two at a
time.

 

My radical idea that I need help selling: I have proposed that we
all volunteer at the local homeless shelter prior to a modest meal
(turkey and all the trimmings, of course, but without the Martha
Stewart fanfare). I am getting blowback from half the tribe, who are
accusing me of “tampering with tradition,” which really comes down to
delaying the meal from 2:00 to 5:00. That means they can’t pig out
while arguing politics and then pass out in front of the TV with plates
of half-eaten pie dripping from their hands. One brother even
suggested “putting it to a vote.” I’ve put up with everyone else’s
mishigas for the last six years. Shouldn’t they have to reciprocate,
even without holiday cheer?

Queen For The Day

 
Dear Queen For The Day:

Yes they should. But you being in the right doesn’t mean you’ll be able
to bring your boisterous crew down to the shelter and make them
serve the homeless with respect, let alone happy about doing it. But it
also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

 
Announce the schedule of the day to everyone. Say dinner will be
served promptly at 5:00, and they have two choices if they want to be
part of the people sitting down with you to enjoy it. You prepare the
bird, stuffing, and drinks. They can choose between two options.
Option One: Join the service crew. Assemble at your house at x o’clock
and go together as a family work party. If they participate in that
effort or serving, they can be served upon their return by the folks
who opt out of helping others. Serving others gets them the right to sit
down without responsibilities for cooking and cleaning up. Option Two:
people who choose not to serve the homeless are responsible for
coming to your house and cooking the rest of the meal, setting the
table, and generally being the chief cooks and bottle washers. They
might get to watch football before or after dinner, but only when Crew
One has been appreciated for their work. It’ll be fun to see which
factions choose what, and who’s home to cook dinner.

Over-run

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 66 and retired. I have a large, lovely home, lots of hobbies
including international travel, which I indulge in about four months a
year. I’m the person who’s always hosting the holidays, hand-making
gifts, giving gardening advice, and generally being kind and helpful.
Last year my former college roommate and her grandson landed in my
life. She’d rescued the seven-year old from a drug-addicted mother
and derelict father. They moved across country with court-ordered
custody. I don’t mind helping but they have taken over my life. After
four months they finally got their own place to live, but by then I had
bonded with Isaiah like he was my own grandson and he with me. I
babysit him three afternoons a week, and feed them five nights out of
seven. They hold parties here like it is their home, and I have to go
hide in my room just to find some peace and quiet. How can I keep a
relationship with this boy, but get my life back?

Over-run

 
Dear Over-run:

You can learn how to spell b.o.u.n.d.a.r.i.e.s. Say it with me:
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It’s fine, at whatever age, to take
new people into your life as family. It’s great that you are a generous
and kind-hearted person. But if you keep giving so much that you
become depleted, you will also become resentful, legitimately so.
Imagine that you have 100 discretionary hours in a week (7×24, with
time used each day for sleeping and personal care). Every time you
give away five hours, the next time you make that same decision and
the next, you are puling from a declining balance.
You need to set some clear priorities and communicate them. If you
want time with Isaiah, set it up on a schedule that works for you. If
you want to invite him and his mom for supper, make it an occasion,
perhaps Sunday supper or be spontaneous. Say very simply, I need to
take my life and house back or you won’t like the cranky person I am
becoming. Acknowledge it is a shift in the status quo, and that it is

very much about you, not about them in specific, just your attempt to
take better care of yourself. But the implications are that they should
ask, not assume, for access, and accept a “not now, later” graciously.
You’re doing a good thing. Take a vacation, relax, and recalibrate. It’ll
all get better because your life is solid and good.

Seeking Family Fun

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a nerdy middle-schooler who’s more into people than gadgets,
clothes, or social media. My parents got divorced five years ago when I
was in elementary school. Now they’re okay around each other, after
they each married another divorced person. Surprisingly, I like them
all. Holidays are complicated because of how many places everyone is
trying to get to. I like my new siblings, half-siblings, cousins, etc, but
it’s usually too hectic for any quality time. I was trying to think of an
idea for Hanukah that could help us be more of a family instead of a
crazy, jumble of busy people who I think might like each other if they
stopped running around and actually spent time together. Can you
help?

Seeking Family Fun

 
Dear Seeking:

Holiday gift-giving offers the perfect opportunity to accomplish your
goal. While you might not be able to get everyone together as often as
you want, you should be able to initiate a series of activities that will
generate energy and establish precedent for family fun. Get yourself a
stack of construction paper, some markers, glitter, and access to clip
art. Then design a series of gifts/invitations, targeting various
combinations of peers and parents. Your goal isn’t to match the exact
people who will become final participants with the activities you are
going to suggest. It’s to start a family conversation about the value of
playtime together, shared hobbies, adventures, and fun.

 

Think about activities you think would be entertaining and educational
to try together. They can be as varied as entering a family team in a
bowling league to participating in a volunteer effort like a Habitat for
Humanity build. Identify concerts that will happen in the next few
months, classes at the local parks and rec centers, and games that will
bring family together to laugh and bond. Make as many invitations as
you think people can handle. Mix and match who gets what. Encourage
people to trade off the invites, or to join in as many activities as they
want. Bring a calendar and write down the names of who wants to do
what. Then follow up gift-giving with email reminders of which
activities people are coming to, and remind them to put them on their
schedule. The more fun you make this, the more fun will follow.

Abandoned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m angry with my best friend, who is also a neighbor. My mother is
dying. She is also a drunk, an alcoholic, and a conversation dominator.
We had agreed to have the two families together for Thanksgiving, in
part as a favor from my friend to me, so that I would not have to have
my last holiday memory of my mother be a sea of seething
resentment for her making my fabulous twenty-year- old son feel like a
loser, treating my husband like a simpleton, and me like her personal
slave. I know I should feel more charitable towards someone who has
less than a year left. But she is just plain nasty so much of the time.
That’s not new, but dying has made it worse.

 

Two days before Thanksgiving my friend (who knows exactly why I
wanted to be with her family) called and said very breezily, “We just got
invited to Thanksgiving by my boss. I’m sorry to cancel on you, but I have
a 12-pound turkey and stuffing ready to hand you, along with all the
trimmings! I feel I have no choice.” I was shocked. To me the issue
was not the cost of the food, but the size of the conversation pool. She
left me no chance to reply, and I was so stunned and hurt I just said,
“I’ll talk to you later.” What can I say, or is it too late? BTW, the time
with my mother was unpleasant and grueling.

Abandoned

 
Dear Abandoned:

If she really is your best friend, your beef is legitimate and should not
be swept under the rug. She owes you an apology, not just a turkey
and trimmings. Even bosses can be told No, especially on a holiday
that is traditionally about family, and especially on short notice. The
appropriate response would have been, Thanks, but we have plans
with family. We could swing by later for dessert, or connect with you
another time.

 

 

As for your friend, you should say simply, I’m hurt. I have a dying
mother and all sorts of family problems. I thought I could count on
you. It’s okay if she feels uncomfortable for a while. Maybe it will make
her think more the next time.

Frustrated

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I know you get these sorts of questions annually, but every year I am
irritated, offended, and frustrated when I shop at the local markets
and malls. Right after Thanksgiving there appear like magic flocks of
bell-ringers who sit outside store entrances like guard dogs. They’re
the ones who collect for various charities– almost always Christian
charities—from morning till night. Often they are disabled, or mange to
look very uncomfortable sitting in the cold 24/7 (I would be). They act
shaming and smugly superior when they wish you “Merry Christmas!!”
every time you pass by them without giving a donation. One woman
seems determined to get my goat. Every time I go in she says Merry
Christmas and every time I go in I say “Happy Holidays,” “Happy
Hanukah,” “Holy Kwanzaa,” and so on to let her know that not
everyone in the world is Christian. Is there something that I else I can
do to make the point that the whole world does not revolve around
December 25, and that America is a diverse cultural landscape?

Frustrated

 
Dear Frustrated:

This is a great chance to combine cultural education with creative
messaging. Also to enhance your computer skills. Go into your favorite
word processing, spreadsheet, or make-a- drawing program. Print up
pages of colorful and creative holiday messages. Avoid red and green,
angels and holly boughs, or other traditional Christmas imagery. Print
up messages like Thank you for respecting cultural diversity., Happy
Hanukkah, Season’s Greetings, Celebrate Solstice, etc. etc. Make the
messages things that when opened will educate the person who sees
them. Yes the message will probably annoy and irritate them, but
that’s partially our goal, correct? Put each in a gift little gift envelope,
the kind that you might use to tip the newspaper delivery person, and
hand write Happy Holidays on the outside. Keep them in your purse
and when you see the bell-ringer and she says Merry Christmas give
her your biggest brought-you- a-gift smile and stuff one of the
envelopes in her donation can. She will soon get the message, though
I doubt she will also come to some unflattering conclusions about you.
We live in an increasingly polarized world. Unless we can find a way to
remember how to be kind to one another, and to honor the message
that every one of the great religions brings to us– Love your neighbor
as yourself. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. etc-
-we are headed down the wrong track with great velocity. I don’t have
answers, and I share your frustration. But only kindness can defeat
hatred.

Eeeek

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m terrified. I’m headed to Detroit tomorrow to have The Talk with my
82-year- old mother. She’s lived independently or semi-independently
her entire life. My father died when she was 50. For the last 10 years
my youngest sister has been living with her, but she’s ready to move
out and make her own life. My sister’s been a safety net for all of us,
making sure her mom took her meds, driving her to appointments
(Mom turned in her own license when she felt unsafe!) and generally
being around so none of us had to fear every ring of the phone. Mom
is intelligent, spry, and relatively healthy. Other than the fact that she
can’t drive she is very self-sufficient. But I know that could change in a
minute, and I live two thousand miles away, as does everyone except
my sister. How can I have The Talk, which every child dreads having
to have, to prepare for the inevitable living-in- a-group- setting, so we
don’t have to make rushed or bad decisions in a time of crisis?

Eeeek

 
Dear Eeek:

There’s no easy way for this one. Everyone dreads it, no matter which
side of the conversation equation they are on. And if she knows your
sister is planning on moving out, you know she knows that The Talk is
part of your visit. So she will likely be apprehensive and afraid, even if
she does her maternal best to hide it. Start out having as good and
casual a visit as you can, at least for the first day or two. Come from
the airport with flowers and plan to take her out for a special one-on-
one dinner. Try to assess how she’s doing without making her feel like
she’s under the microscope. Even if she knows the conversation is
inevitable and looming, she will be on her best behavior. But don’t be
surprised if tears follow. It is going to be hard, but it is important and
necessary to do.

 
Take the role of her advocate, as in: Mom, how do you want to handle
the future? What’s your idea of the best and safest way for you to live
after [sister name] moves out? Then listen. Don’t confront her, and
avoid pushing her into a place of resistance. She might surprise you by
saying she is ready, or that she knows a move is inevitable. Most likely
she will argue that it should be deferred. Listen to her arguments one
by one; see what makes sense and what doesn’t. Ask her if she’ll
come with you to one or two of the closest and best assisted-living
facilities that perhaps, God willing, one or more of her friends is
already living in. Help her see the better points about them and also
help her recognize that if she has a health crisis she could end up
somewhere far less optimal, and that planning is a far better process
than making a bad decision later.

 
You have a lot of homework to do to pull off the eventual transition.
Your local sister will be a big help in getting the house packed up and
decluttered. But you need to carefully assess financial resources,
weigh options, and learn about waiting lists and long-term treatment
options. There’s a big difference between an independent living
situation, and a facility that offer progressive “step-down” options
when your mother begins to fail. Assume that this process will take
three to six months and try to work with your local sister to keep her
involved. But the nest thing you can do is to make sure your mother
knows you love her, and that this is about keeping her safe and
healthy for as long as possible. The Talk should focus on care, not
punishment. Good luck.

The Ex

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My ex and I are very good friends. He relocated to the city where I live
after having a major heart attack. We live very close and are good
friends, enjoying meals together several times a week and sharing
responsibility for our pooch, which lives primarily with me. But now he
is in a new relationship with a woman whom I know from synagogue.
There’s nothing about her that I dislike. In fact, I’ve been social with
her in groups in the past, occasionally going to a movie or the opera
together. But something about seeing them together as a couple rubs
me the wrong way. He and I had made plans for Thanksgiving and a
variety of other events. Now he wants to include her. I don’t want to
be the pissy ex, but I DON’T WANT TO!! What can or should I do?

The Ex

 
Dear Ex:

Eventually either the relationship will dissolve or you will adjust to it.
But in the short run it is natural that you’ll have feelings of anxiety and
jealousy. If your true goal is to remain in his life as both a friend and
an ally, you’re better off acting like a happy friend than a jealous ex.
That’ll feel hard, so use your own friends or your counselor to process
your feelings, not your ex. To him you should be as gracious as
possible, and as supportive of his health and happiness as your facial
expressions and vocabulary will allow. Remember his new beau is also
someone who’s there to help in case of another future health
emergency.

 
Do not, repeat not, bad mouth his new sweetie to anyone who might
repeat what you say. Focus on events where you can be with them in
a larger group. Thanksgiving dinner or other dinner parties are good
examples. Avoid being the third wheel alone with them, and be
cautious about anything that might resemble a double date, even if
you start dating someone new yourself. Concentrate on being calm
and relaxed when you are around them. It might take a drink, but be
careful about drink number two, three, or more.

Daughter in Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I do not want you or your readers to hate me or think I am an unkind,
unfeeling, or horrible person. But I have lived in a small world of hurt
for the past sixteen months, after my mother-in- law moved in our
home, making it and my life a living hell. She is mean-spirited, sharp-
tongued, manipulative, nasty, ungrateful, unhappy, and generally
unpleasant. I have tried being solicitous, kind, friendly, helpful and,
when that failed, have occasionally tried to be more withdrawn,
leaving my husband to take greater responsibility for her care,
something he tends to avoid, out of a mix of denial, shame, fear, and
generalized reluctance to take care of household chores other than
repairs. She has the usual mental decline of age exacerbated by what
seems to me like selective memory loss, but I have become cynical.
Physically she would probably outlive both of us, especially with the
stress her presence is causing in our home and marriage. That’s what I
thought till last week when she fell, and in the ER was told she had
high blood sugar and needed more careful monitoring.

 

My husband and I had an almost three-week trip on the calendar, planned
long ago and over which we have no control of timing; it is go or don’t go,
leaving in a week. We had planned for in-home care but now have
decided to put her into assisted living while we are gone, so the docs
can get her more stable. The question is this: When we return, should
she stay there or move back with us? My argument: Her ailments are
intermittent but potentially serious; give her better care, which she
can absolutely afford, and give us a chance to remember we used to
like one another. My husband could go visit her daily (he recently
retired). His counter: She’s my mother; she doesn’t want to go there
are at all; it’ll use up our inheritance; I feel guilty. I am past caring
about money that may never come to us but she could use to improve
our lives now by paying to live elsewhere. What say you? Oh yes, PS,
I, who haven’t been sick three days since we married, have had a
series of week or two-week long flues and ailments in the past three
months. I know it is partially stress, but it has cut into my ability to
meet clients and earn our mortgage money.

Daughter in Law

 

Dear Daughter In Law:

Even the kindest, sweetest, most generous of soul and spirit addition
to a household can cause disruption and occasional aggravation. That’s
true when both partners are on board with what’s required for the
daily care and nurturing of an elderly parent. The difficult situation you
are describing, albeit with the relieved joy of a rant to an anonymous
reader, does not seem healthy or sustainable. It’s unlikely to prove a
peaceful and relaxing trip with the Sword of Damocles hanging over
your head about whether or not she returns.

 
When you communicate to her about any or all of this, be sure to
preface every other sentence with Your Doctor Says,…. as the reason
why she is going to assisted living. Be sure the staff reiterates that
medical necessity and her quality of health is the most important
variable that everyone is watching. The question of her return home
should be something that is discussed only in terms of her health and
no guarantees should be made that both you and your husband cannot
agree on.

 
The two of you will need to find a same page to be on. In this
circumstance, one of you is inevitably going to feel like a loser. The
only way of dealing with that is in some mediated forum, like a
counselor, where you can both speak your piece and feel heard. If she
does return to the home, you must be guaranteed time out periods,
perhaps even evenings or weekend time when you visit or even stay
with friends. Even if he uses some of his mother’s money to hire in-
home care, that will help your husband confront the truer impacts of
caring for her, something it sounds like he has avoided. If I were
voting I’d side with you, but I haven’t heard his version.
“For better or worse” sounds like it’s been bad for both and worse for
you, so in my book you have the right to ask for relief, both temporary
and long term. Either that or buy her or you a personality transplant.
And let me know where you found it so I can spread the word.

Sis

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a very dysfunctional sister. She is mentally ill though she has
never been officially diagnosed as such. She is a persistent abuser of
prescription drugs, which she manages to steal from work and/or
extract from doctors for various ailments. She’s a nurse, if you can
believe it, though is now working in a limited caregiver capacity in a
group home. Her life has been a declining series of tragedies
culminating in her losing her house. I went up to help her clean it and
move into a one-room rental in a friend’s home. When I saw her for
three days, I witnesed the level of her collapse firsthand. She slept in
till noon while I did all the practical things I could: dealing with movers
and a storage unit. I tried to explain to her how to post her valuables
on Craigslist, and gently alerted her future roommate that “she stays
up late ‘celebrating’”, without saying she is a pill-popping moocher. I
had filmed her with my iphone, high as a kite and dancing like a
madwoman in the middle of the night. I suspect it’s a drug interaction
from her random consumption of pills. She could die or have a seizure,
or she could end up a bag lady living on the street after she loses her
job because she treats the meds cabinet at work like a candy shop.
Also she is a shopaholic. I’ve lived a frugal life and always been a
responsible citizen. I know that some day I will get “The Call.” What
can I do between now and then? I do NOT want to take her in!!!

Sis

 
Dear Sis:

You are not going to be able to stop this train wreck. Your sister is
bound to be caught stealing meds, especially if she has an accident at
work. Just having her working in a group home could endanger the
health and sobriety of residents. One also has to wonder about the
level of supervision of both meds and employees, though turning her
in to her bosses exacerbates and hastens her and your inevitable
problems, rather than solving them.

You need a “come to Moses” meeting with her. You should tell her
everything you have observed, your fears, and, as hard as it may be
to do, your boundaries. I wouldn’t say you had filmed her, in part
because it will make her more cautious around you. But save the file
somewhere, in case you ever need to show a doctor or intervening
authority. You could threaten to tell her supervisor about her drug
habit if she will not voluntarily enter a program like Narcotics
Anonymous, go to regular meetings, and provide some kind of proof of
attendance. You should also insist that she meet with a financial
advisor, the type that helps people downsize debts, and put some kind
of long-term plan into action, including cutting off her credit spending.
Lastly, as hard as this may be to say, you need to tell her you are not
her final or financial safety net. Say that if there were an emergency
you would find her a group home but that you and your family cannot
do more. Suggest that she make plans with other family members who
may be more flexible or wealthier. Though she is unlikely to heed
much of this advice, you will have entered a new phase of relating,
and have had a conversation that you can reference as needed. But
ultimately, she will come to your door.

Grrrrrrrr

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just visited my daughter, son-in- law, and grandkids. The kids are
great (two boys 7 and 10, and a girl 4). But I saw several things that
disturbed me. My son-in- law is a like a fourth child. He does cross-fit
every day. He comes home with bloody hands and exhausted and
plops in front of a screen of some sort, work or sports. I understand
that the kids are spoiled, but that nobody other than my daughter
even takes their dishes to the sink, let alone help empty the
dishwasher, and generally be more responsible is very hard for me to
watch. He is a high-powered corporate sales guy, but it’s hard to teach
kids good values when only one parent is role modeling responsible
household behavior. My daughter is constantly walking around the
house picking up after all four of them. I hate to bite my tongue when
my son-in- law complained that she had seemed peeved and had taken
away a beer he hadn’t been finished with. I pitched in where I could,
but she said having help that disappeared was almost worse. I don’t
want to be seen as the meddling other-in- law. But I see my daughter
struggling to keep up and perpetually tired. What can I say?

Grrrrrrrr

 
Dear Grrrrrrr:

Every household has its own dynamics around chores and perceived
responsibilities. I come from the “teach them young” school, because
otherwise we will end up raising generations of entitled young who
think the rest of the world are their servants. That’s more than an
issue of class and superiority; it’s a matter of politeness and
appreciation as well as creating a culture of mutual responsibility.
Tell your daughter that she has to be the messenger, unless she wants
you to do it via email or Skype. I’d counsel that it be her, but you can
role-play and work out the kinks with her before she talks to the
family.

 

The messages should be these: The world won’t always be your
servant. Everyone has to help. If you don’t, people won’t like and
respect you and then you’ll get a reputation for being a slacker instead
of a nice person, which you are. From now on everyone is responsible
for carrying all their plates and glasses to the sink. You boys will help
me unload the dishwasher and [girl] will have special ways to help
until she’s older. If you spill something, grab a sponge and clean it up.
If you take things out of the fridge or cupboards, put them away in the
place you found them when you are done. And for one hour each
weekend we’re going to have a family clean-up project, all working
together so we can sing and whistle while we work.

 
As for the husband, he needs to model good housekeeping for the kids.
And he needs to put his happy face on around them. If they see him
complaining, they won’t respect or listen to your daughter. So tired or
not, he too needs to pitch in before he gets screen time.

Worried Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My youngest child just got on a plane for South America.
Waaaaaahhhhhh!!! He and his girlfriend are taking a gap year between
college and grad school. They are great kids: smart, responsible, and
hard-working. All the applications are turned in, with a cover not
explaining that he’s on the road but will check email at least weekly so
he can answer any questions. But they are traveling in youth hostels
and without any predictable itinerary. So other than fitting him with an
embedded transponder (an idea I seriously googled until he made fun
or me and refused) I have no way to know what’s going on other than
the weekly updates he swears he will send, and phone calls/skypes we
have asked him to make. He’s a great guy but also sheltered and a
little too trusting in the idea that people are inherently good. Can you
help me cope with all the disaster scenarios my brain is conjuring?

Worried Momma

 
Dear Worried Momma:

Anyone with a child has had all the same fears every time their kid has
walked out the door, even if they are walking to school in a clean safe
neighborhood. The bigger world is indeed a scary place, and bad
things do happen to good people. But not to all of them, and not
nearly, by a thousand thousand times over, as often or badly as your
worries will lead you to believe. Sure, he may lose some money or
even his backpack. But he knows your phone number, and short of
damage to his body, there’s very little that a transfusion of money
won’t fix. The young bounce better than we do.

 

You cannot protect him with worry. Instead, send him emails
encouraging to have fun, be careful, and come back with many stories
and pictures. You can send him links to safe travel tips, and ask the
girlfriend’s mother to do the same. But he is not alone, and if you’ve
been a good parent, this is the time to let him leave the nest with both
love and support.

Officiate

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Many years ago I got a lay certification to perform weddings. The first
few I did were for my own children and then children of close family
friends, and then for peers who remarried. A career as a teacher and
an avocation as a poet make me uniquely qualified to put on a good
wedding. I’ve performed about twenty by now, and charge a very
modest fee. Many are for couples in mixed marriages, who do not
want either partner’s religion to dominate, but like the idea of a
spiritual event with elements from both, and lots of universal thoughts
and imagery. I meet with the couple several times before agreeing to
perform the ceremony and to decide what the actual words will be.

 

This weekend, just before the ceremony began, the mother of the
bride came to me and pressed a paper in my hand, saying “This is my
daughter’s favorite prayer. Please read it in the ceremony.” And then
she walked away. Let’s just say that my ceremonies do not include
“Jesus Our Lord” as a key element. There was no time to talk to the
bride, so I omitted the prayer, as we had not agreed to it. The mother,
who was ostensibly paying me, was very rude at the reception and
said meanly “That’ll cost you your fee!” I did not mention it to the
couple, but the wife sent me an apology and a check. What can I do to
avoid this in the future?

Officiate

 
Dear Officiate:

You can add two elements to your planning process. While meeting
with the future marrieds, tell them this story (modified without the
meanness) as an example of things that can “go wrong and mar your
happy day.” Say you do not want to disappoint anyone, but that you
do what you do intentionally to avoid performing religious services, in
part because you are not an officially certified representative of a
religion, and in part because it’s not who you are or what you do. She
them examples of ceremonies you have performed, and, menu-like,
allow them to help craft the ceremony in a way that pleases all of you.

 

 

Follow up with an agreement that specifies what they have agreed to
in the service, and with a list of things you commit to doing and will
not agree to do. Include in it a handout for them to share with their
close family about the tone of the service, and your collective
understanding that because various traditions will be represented,
nothing that feels exclusionary will be included in the service. Suggest
that any family member who wants to say something that might be
considered religious can do so in the toasting that will part of the
reception. My guess is that the future marrieds will insulate you from
these relatives. You might also collect your fee before the ceremony.

Feel Taken Advantage Of

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My 101-year- old aunt passed away in February. I was power of attorney and
executor of her estate. I’d helped her after being contacted by social services
when she was in her late 80s, because neither her brother nor her sister wanted
anything to do with her. I was warned to stay away by the family, who said she
was not a nice person. Very insulting, etc. She was my father’s sister, and even
he fought with her constantly. During that time I packed up her apartment and
moved her to a very beautiful, and very expensive, assisted living. She did not
get along with anyone. During this time I drove her to all her doctor, dentist,
gynecologist, colonoscopy appointments. I even had to change her diapers when
we went to some doctors. I moved her again. Same thing, and finally moved her
to a very good nursing home. Eventually she ran out of money. I was told to pay
for a prepaid funeral, as that was required for her to be on Medicaid. When she
died I was out of town. My cousin, who is ultra, ultra orthodox happened to be in
town. She called to tell me that she was taking care of everything. I asked that
she wait, but of course she went right ahead for a quick burial without consulting
me on costs that were not included. Now she wants me to pay almost $300
towards the funeral home and an additional $200 for the stone. I volunteered to
give her $100 and wanted to find out about a less costly stone. Do you think I am
obligated to pay any of these costs? Also when her family comes to town, they
eat like it is going out of style (at the restaurant) and NEVER offer to pay
anything.

Feel Taken Advantage Of

 
Dear Taken Advantage Of:

Your feelings are legit. They are also overdue. Your cousin’s family has
become so used to taking advantage of your generosity and good
nature that they’ve managed to forget your fifteen years of helping
out. My guess is that you have not done a good job of communicating
all that you have done during the past while, and that they got very
lazy and hazy about how things were being taken care of. But that’s in
the past.

 
The fact that your cousin made the arrangements without your
knowledge or consent implies she’s on the hook for all of it. Your offer
of $100 will not placate her, but I would send the check anyhow. If she
complains to the family and you hear about it, just remark quietly, I
wish I’d heard from them as much during all the years I was doing all
the care-taking and shlepping. That’ll end the complaints, and if it
doesn’t, you can still feel good about how you took care of your aunt.

Hellllllppppp

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a deadbeat brother. He is 56 and has not held a job longer than
a year for as long as I can remember. He’s a gay man, with which I
have no problem, except that his entire life plan seems to be “finding a
rich, sugar daddy” to take care of him. Personally, as much as I love
my brother, a neurotic, poor, aging, and needy person is even more
unlikely to attract such an escape route than someone half his age,
never mind all the emotional unhealthiness of the plan at all. I just
want him to find a small simple job with regular hours, a regular
paycheck, and maybe even health and dental insurance. I’d like to
help him with the baby steps, but I don’t know how to begin. It’s all I
can do to put up with his whiney ramblings about life being too hard
and unfair. And at the risk of sounding callous, my husband and I have
worked hard for our own small savings, and I can’t risk my own
family’s future to be his ultimate life support, when he hasn’t done
anything to make things better.

Hellllllppppp

 
Dear Hellllpppp:

Every family I know of has at least one sib who is below the norm in
achievement and security. Each other sib has to face his/her
responsibility for helping out in times of crisis, and, like in your case,
helping avert those crises from occurring. If, in fact, your brother is
absolutely unwilling to act on his own behalf, you may someday have
to face the problem of taking him in or turning him away. But between
now and then there’s lots you can do.

 
Identify all social services in his community that he might be eligible to
approach. That’s everything from low-income housing to job training
services. Encourage him to make appointments at each place and find
out what he is eligible for in terms of direct support and assistance.
Work with him to look at social service agencies that work with low-
income people, places that have experiences teaching the realities of
life to those on the short end. If there’s some kind of gay community
center, ask them if they have special programs. Tell him you will no
longer listen to whiney, self-reinforcing, negative phone calls. ell him
to send you his resume when it is drafted, so you can help him edit it.
Ultimately you may have to say, I cannot be your final safety net.
That’s hard to do, but may be what he needs to hear to finally get
motivated.