Category Archives: Relatives

Feel Taken Advantage Of

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My 101-year- old aunt passed away in February. I was power of attorney and
executor of her estate. I’d helped her after being contacted by social services
when she was in her late 80s, because neither her brother nor her sister wanted
anything to do with her. I was warned to stay away by the family, who said she
was not a nice person. Very insulting, etc. She was my father’s sister, and even
he fought with her constantly. During that time I packed up her apartment and
moved her to a very beautiful, and very expensive, assisted living. She did not
get along with anyone. During this time I drove her to all her doctor, dentist,
gynecologist, colonoscopy appointments. I even had to change her diapers when
we went to some doctors. I moved her again. Same thing, and finally moved her
to a very good nursing home. Eventually she ran out of money. I was told to pay
for a prepaid funeral, as that was required for her to be on Medicaid. When she
died I was out of town. My cousin, who is ultra, ultra orthodox happened to be in
town. She called to tell me that she was taking care of everything. I asked that
she wait, but of course she went right ahead for a quick burial without consulting
me on costs that were not included. Now she wants me to pay almost $300
towards the funeral home and an additional $200 for the stone. I volunteered to
give her $100 and wanted to find out about a less costly stone. Do you think I am
obligated to pay any of these costs? Also when her family comes to town, they
eat like it is going out of style (at the restaurant) and NEVER offer to pay
anything.

Feel Taken Advantage Of

 
Dear Taken Advantage Of:

Your feelings are legit. They are also overdue. Your cousin’s family has
become so used to taking advantage of your generosity and good
nature that they’ve managed to forget your fifteen years of helping
out. My guess is that you have not done a good job of communicating
all that you have done during the past while, and that they got very
lazy and hazy about how things were being taken care of. But that’s in
the past.

 
The fact that your cousin made the arrangements without your
knowledge or consent implies she’s on the hook for all of it. Your offer
of $100 will not placate her, but I would send the check anyhow. If she
complains to the family and you hear about it, just remark quietly, I
wish I’d heard from them as much during all the years I was doing all
the care-taking and shlepping. That’ll end the complaints, and if it
doesn’t, you can still feel good about how you took care of your aunt.

Hellllllppppp

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a deadbeat brother. He is 56 and has not held a job longer than
a year for as long as I can remember. He’s a gay man, with which I
have no problem, except that his entire life plan seems to be “finding a
rich, sugar daddy” to take care of him. Personally, as much as I love
my brother, a neurotic, poor, aging, and needy person is even more
unlikely to attract such an escape route than someone half his age,
never mind all the emotional unhealthiness of the plan at all. I just
want him to find a small simple job with regular hours, a regular
paycheck, and maybe even health and dental insurance. I’d like to
help him with the baby steps, but I don’t know how to begin. It’s all I
can do to put up with his whiney ramblings about life being too hard
and unfair. And at the risk of sounding callous, my husband and I have
worked hard for our own small savings, and I can’t risk my own
family’s future to be his ultimate life support, when he hasn’t done
anything to make things better.

Hellllllppppp

 
Dear Hellllpppp:

Every family I know of has at least one sib who is below the norm in
achievement and security. Each other sib has to face his/her
responsibility for helping out in times of crisis, and, like in your case,
helping avert those crises from occurring. If, in fact, your brother is
absolutely unwilling to act on his own behalf, you may someday have
to face the problem of taking him in or turning him away. But between
now and then there’s lots you can do.

 
Identify all social services in his community that he might be eligible to
approach. That’s everything from low-income housing to job training
services. Encourage him to make appointments at each place and find
out what he is eligible for in terms of direct support and assistance.
Work with him to look at social service agencies that work with low-
income people, places that have experiences teaching the realities of
life to those on the short end. If there’s some kind of gay community
center, ask them if they have special programs. Tell him you will no
longer listen to whiney, self-reinforcing, negative phone calls. ell him
to send you his resume when it is drafted, so you can help him edit it.
Ultimately you may have to say, I cannot be your final safety net.
That’s hard to do, but may be what he needs to hear to finally get
motivated.

Been Patient!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is a long and painful question so please be patient. God knows I
have had to be. Recently we took my mother-in- law into our home.
She’d been living alone, though having seen her close up—albeit after
the shell shock of tragedy and relocation—it is hard to believe she was
functional. Her memory is going but she’s not so far gone as the don’t-
leave-her- alone-or- she’ll-burn- down-the- house-making- tea stage. But
she is insecure and needy, and thinks someone going out to get the
mail is “abandoning” her. My husband and I go to a three-week
spiritual retreat each April and October. This year I let him go, to
recover, and stayed home with Mom. He’s due back soon. I realize I
have a lot of anxiety about his return tipping the fragile equilibrium I
have created with her. She is very passive aggressive and will play us
off against one another. For example she calls him into her room each
morning to complain and even tell lies about me, and the whole day
starts off tense and goes downhill from there. Do you have any words
of wisdom to keep me from going crazy and wanting to divorce both of
them? This was a kind and happy home for twenty years.

Been Patient!

 
Dear Patient:

I don’t know what agreements you and your husband made before she
moved in with you, but now’s a great time to revisit them. You need
some alone time with him before he walks in the door to remind him
about your family values. Either meet him part of the way or use
phone and email. Tell him what you have observed about how to
manage her and what you think needs to be done to maintain the
equilibrium you spent three weeks creating. He may be coming home
more relaxed but the pit of tension you are describing will hit him hard
and fast.

 
Come to a list of new agreements with him about daily behavior. No
more talking about you behind your back. If Mom has something to
say, then say it a daily family meeting. If she says something untrue,
tell her your side of things. Insist that the house rules of kindness and
politeness are baseline for living in your home. If she can’t be nice, tell
her she can explore outside situations, from group homes to assisted
living. Make sure she has seen a doc and that her meds are up to date
and taken regularly. Find a family support group at least for you and
your husband. Tell him if you can’t make it work without then you will
insist on marriage counseling. Find her activities with peers, whether
they are at senior centers or in the group homes that want new
members and offer day care. Also tell your husband that you have
“credit” for three weeks of solo care. Take time on your own on a
regular basis, and let him see the full brunt of what full-time care can
be. It’s not forever, but it can and will be hard for a while. But if your
husband knows you’re retreating in April and he’s staying home with
Mom, I promise he’ll solve it before then.

Only 24/7

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve written you already but this is a different side of the same coin.
My husband’s aging, senile, mother has landed with us. Ironically she
is not unwell, the occasional cold notwithstanding, though she is very
needy and dependent, and surprisingly chatty though from what I can
tell most of the running commentary has not much to do with what’s
really going on around her. It is taking a vast quantity of time to
adjust to having her in the household, in part because of her
clingyness.

My husband, recently retired, tries to run errands (without
her!) as much as possible, leaving me in charge. I am in a helping
profession and have a vast array of friends that I am used to seeing to
do everything from food preservation to fabric projects. I don’t want
my mother-in- law tagging along all the time, but many of my friends
are telling me—loudly and often—that they feel insulted that I am no
longer available to them. In fact, I’d rather be with them. What can I
do?

Only 24/7

 
Dear 24/7:

You can change things on several fronts. First is your attitude: this is not forever,
though it may be for a good handful of years or longer. You and your husband
need to communicate regularly about whether having his mother living with you
remains the right decision and fit for you both and for your marriage. If the
answer is yes, then you need to make, on a weekly basis, a schedule. You
should make it together on Sunday and confirm it every morning over breakfast.
It should identify on and off duty times where each of you is the primary
caretaker. Like any joint custody arrangement, you should both agree about
trade-offs. No one gets to hide behind I thought it would be okay if….

 
If having your mother in law move to an assisted living facility where she would
have more regular companionship and care is simply not an option, look into
part-time help and regular trips to the local community center for group activities
with other seniors. You should also find or create a support group with other
people in a similar situation. It will give you the insights you need and perhaps
you can have collective gatherings that might lead to the senior equivalent of play
dates among your respective aging relatives. As for your nagging friends, invite
them over to help cook and schmooze with your mother-in- law and to stay for a
game or cards. An afternoon or evening of your life should quiet down the
kvetching pretty fast. When you have off duty time, decide then if you want to sit
quietly with a book or get together with friends. They will need to adjust to
spontenity and less contact, at least for the foreseeable future.

Not A Hotel

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Each summer my daughter and granddaughter come to visit for two
weeks, with he husband joining them for the second one. It’s a lovely
time to see how my grandchild is maturing. While we connect weekly
on Skype, it’s not the same as playing a game together or teaching
her cooking. I enjoy the time with her, but my daughter treats the trip
more like a vacation than a visit. She flops around, rarely offers to
help, and takes long breaks to “go work” (she’s a freelancer),
assuming I will babysit at the drop of a hat, even though I have a full-
time job. I’m self-employed so I can arrange my schedule around their
visit, but not around her daily whims. Her husband is slightly more
responsible, but when I walk into the house after a busy day, I don’t
expect to see it over-run with toys and dirty dishes, while two adults
are watching a DVD. Should I say something now or wait till next
summer to lay down the law?

Not A Hotel

 

 

Dear Not A Hotel:

You should say something now and later. When people visit their
parents there is always a tendency to revert to the behaviors of their
childhood. That includes issues related to who gets the last vote, who
cleans and does chores, and how various generations treat one
another. When parents visit their adult children’s’ homes there are
different issues of tension, including indulgent grandparents wanting to
spoil children in ways that contravene the household rules.

 

 

Start with a light touch: That was a great visit. So wonderful to see
[grandchild] growing up so nicely. Next year I want to have more time
together as a group, and also clearer responsibilities identified so we
can have more fun and less work. Avoid details and stay upbeat. Next
year, when your daughter informs you about her timing and
reservations, get a little more parental: I’m delighted to see you but I
want to set down some house rules. Last year you acted like this was
a hotel. I’m happy to give you a ___-day vacation when you land, but
starting on the next day we’re going to share responsibilities for
cooking and cleanup. I’m happy to babysit when my work schedule
allows so you can go work. But I cannot do it at whim. Let’s all sort it
out like adults so we can concentrate on enjoying one another. It’ll be
uneven and she will probably test you to see if you mean what you
say. But everyone grows up eventually and this is just one more stage
of parenting.

Landing Zone

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I work at home. My office is a two-room and bath suite upstairs in a
three-bedroom, two-bath home that my husband I have empty nested
in for the past year. My younger sister has had a very rough patch,
and left her abusive husband with twin nine-year olds in tow. I told her
we could offer a refuge until she got back on her feet. But I have
clients coming in and out all day long, phone appointments, and a
schedule hones over twenty years that includes a nap from 2:30-4:00
each day, usually in my recliner on the sun-porch. Her kids are used to
eating an early supper. We don’t eat dinner till after 7:00 because of
our respective work schedules. My sister is a good person and these
are big changes for her. But they are also big changes for us. I don’t
mind feeding them, but don’t want to have to cook two different meals
several times a day. How can I cope without going crazy but still be a
good hostess?

Landing Zone

 
Dear Landing Zone:

You and your husband are good people. And compared to abuse, these
are very small problems to resolve. Re the physical set up, I would
move the recliner to your office (yes this may mean some shifting, but
it is temporary). Also reinforce the quiet times around times when you
have clients in the house. Re meals, cook dinner as you normally
would for your husband and self, though make enough for the guests
and possibly lunches. I see many casseroles ion your short-run future.
You sister and her children have the option of joining you when the
food is fresh or having the leftover the following evening for supper.
Breakfasts and lunches should be her issue to prepare, though it might
be nice to have a weekend bunch as a family.

 
One issue with “until she gets on her feet” could be a mismatched
perception of how long is long enough vs. too long. Give her time to
get past the shock of leaving an abusive husband, with plenty of kudos
and support. Then help her access community resources, from the
local Jewish Federation to support groups and shelters. Depending on
finances, you may want to help her get set up and relocated. But
safety is the first concern. Help her get a good divorce lawyer asap.
There are big important changes. Your life will go back to normal much
faster than hers.

The Good Kid

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother is dying. My sister is crazy and greedy. My brother can’t
hold onto a job with a belt. She doesn’t have more than two years and
if she doesn’t stop smoking and drinking probably more like one. She’s
not rich but does have some assets and a modest house. But she also
has special needs now, for in-home care and assistance, chauffeuring
to appointments, and housekeeping. Only I of the sibs provide any of
these services, and I am also the only one among them that has a job,
a spouse, and a child. Both of my sibs have approached my mother for
loans. They have come with sob stories about emergencies, about
needing help with broken cars, overdue rent, and—the boldest—for a
down payment on a “great deal of a house,” this last from a woman
who hasn’t held the same job for more than a year in her life or stayed
with a partner more than two. My mother feels sorry for them and tells
me that I have such a good life. I’m worried they will bleed her dry
and that after she goes they will keep coming to me with their fake
and outrageous demands. How can I interject some reason into this
process?

The Good Kid

 
Dear Good Kid:

You can get your mother to consult an estate attorney. Someone
competent and articulate who can explain both her current finances
and needs and the options she has for helping her children now and
after she goes. You should not be expected to either fill her shoes in
administering her estate or trying to solve the life issues of your
siblings. Nor should you be expected to sacrifice your share of the
estate to their needs.

 
If I ran your show I would have the attorney identify a budget for her
monthly needs, an emergency fund for each of you to draw from
before her death, with the used amount be charged against that sib’s
share of the estate after your mother dies. I’d recommend each
“emergency loan” come with a note and have at least a minimum
monthly repayment amount. That’s primarily to encourage the insight
that money isn’t free, and also to begin to convey the notion that it
isn’t infinite. The monthly for each of the sibs (not you) should be put
into a trust, administered by the attorney, that will provide a monthly
sum towards living expenses, with a fund for emergency expenses.
Decisions about those emergencies should be at the discretion of the
executor.

Oh So Burned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister is a violent and angry person who has repeatedly told vicious
lies about me to all our relatives, from my parents to a dying aunt.
She is single parenting and I think is very jealous of my happy
marriage and healthy kids. I’m headed home for my mother’s 60 th
birthday bash and my sister sent word through our mother (who
seems to have taken her side) that she wants to get together one on
one. I have not forgiven her. I may, but I haven’t yet. What message
should I send back?

Oh So Burned

 
Dear Burned

It’s hard to combat vicious lies and people without feeling tarnished by
them. But you are not under any obligation to fall into your sister’s
drama. It’s much more important to take care of yourself. Plan to
attend the birthday festivities, but not to be one on one with your
sister.

 
Send a message back through your mother that says, I’m happy to be
cordial in public, but your party is not the time for us to address
serious family dysfunction. Let’s concentrate on appreciating you now,
and I will deal with [sister name] directly later. I’m looking forward to
seeing and celebrating you. Then politely resist attempts to do
anything else.

Worm Out

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. It feels like
she&'s been the rock in the road of my life. She never believed me
when I told her about abuse issues in our family. She ran off every
boyfriend I ever had. She refused to help me pay for college. She cut
me off for a decade when I converted to Judaism. More, more, more….
She was just diagnosed with metastasized cancer and is refusing
treatment, putting herself on a hunger strike, and trying to die as
quickly as possible. My other siblings had an equally difficult
relationship with her. But now that she is dying they are bending over
backwards to hold her hand, wipe her brow, and act like she’s the
queen of the universe. I’m a 55-year old CPA in a new happy
relationship and drowning in tax returns. I understand that she&'s dying
but don’t want to be a hypocrite or give her more chances to ruin my
life. Do you have any advice for how to deal with an end-of- life
situation that I don&'t want to make worse but also cannot give her the
obedience and tears she seems to expect?

Worm Out

 
Dear Worn Out:

Assuming her body follows her will, time is short. I understand tax
season dominates most years, but you’ll have more of those later, and
your mother will only die once. Only you can know what will be okay
for your soul and heart. My usual question to folks with difficult
relationships facing a death is this: If she died today, would you be
okay? If not, you still have time to do something about it.

 
I recommend shooing away brow-wiping siblings for an afternoon. Say
you want some one-on- one time. Wait till she’s had food and a nap,
and then say something like: I know it hasn&'t always been easy
between us. But you’re my only mother. I’ve always respected that
you believed your opinions very strongly, even when I didn&'t agree
with them. I wish you could have felt the same about me but it was
clear that you didn&'t. But I recognize we won’t always have the luxury
of eye-to- eye contact, so I want you to know that I asked for this
alone time so we could be really honest with one another. My life has
turned out better than you thought it would. I am happy. But if there’s
anything you want to say to me about your life, my life, or our
relationship, I&'m listening.

 
Then really try to listen. Don’t be defensive or argumentative or feel
you need to justify your life. This is probably your mother’s last time to
tell you what she thinks you need to hear. You may be surprised if she
is milder or less judgmental than she was in life. But no matter what
she says find some way to respond to her that doesn&'t provoke an
argument. Find a way to communicate from your new happy and
confident self, so that you feel like you said what you needed to. End
with, I know in your way you tried to be a good mother. After all, she&'s
the one that&'s dying you. I don&'t think you should have to swallow your
truth but I am encouraging you not to upset her last few weeks with a
strident need to assert something that will have no impact on her
quality-of- life or your reality. It could come back to bite your
conscience or relationships with your sibs later. If you are really
happy, you will find a way to keep peace as she passes. You’ll feel
better if you do and worse if you don’t.

Hands Full !!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a dead father, a sick mother, and a crazy sister. I promised my
father on his deathbed to take care of my mother, who drinks and
smokes too much and is now lying to her doctors after a severe
medical event that landed her in ICU. My sister lives two hours away.
She answers phone calls, emails, and texts randomly, sometimes up to
a month later. I left her multiple messages when Mom was admitted,
and kept her up to date on everything. I told her I’ve been staying
with Mom since her release, chauffeuring her to medical appointments,
cleaning her frig and shopping. Now my sister has decided I am
“controlling” and “interfering” and that I have no right telling the
doctors anything about my mothers behaviors because “she’s an adult
and she can say what she wants about what she puts in her body.” I
feel as though the docs need to know that she massively under-reports
usage, and when she says she’s “stopped,” she’s means since her
confinement. What do you say, about communication with all of them,
other than my dad, to whom I relate just fine?

Hands Full !!

 
Dear Hands Full:

Stressful times like this bring out the best and worst in everyone. In
families where communication is already strained, what bubbles to the
surface isn’t always pretty. Your biggest priority: continue to take good
care of your mother. You sound like a caring and well-intentioned
daughter she’s fortunate to have close by. Re the doctors, couch the
information the form of questions, such as: What are the risks and
consequences if my mother does smoke, drink, etc.? Do that within
her hearing so she can hear what the doc says, and then repeat the
answer as needed. You might ask if they could do blood tests to
determine residual levels of nicotine and alcohol, to see if they’re
impacting her health or interfering with her medications.

 

Attempt a rational conversation with your sister. Explain your
reasoning and efforts. Tell her you’re willing to leave her messages
–phone and email – about your mother’s status, but not to be raked
over the coals for helping. Say you’re not willing to discuss or
negotiate your choices around being a good daughter. She can talk
directly to your mother or to the doctor if she likes. If she tries to
berate or castigate you, tell her that’s outside the boundary of your
communications agreement. Be sure to stress that you’ll update her
asap if anything changes. Be friendly and ask about her life, but hold
the line where it matters to you. If she persists, say you’ll call if
anything changes and end the convo. Rinse and repeat as needed.

Fuming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My younger daughter came to me with a problem but then disagreed
with my advice. W agreed to put it before you and abide by what you
suggest. Jessica is married for two year to her boyfriend of six. They’re
both in there twenties. His sister, same age, is a loser plain and
simple. She hasn’t managed to hold onto even a part time job as a
barista and hasn’t paid the rent on an apartment for two years/ She
does occasional houseitting when her parents or their friends travel,
but mostly crashes with friends and with my daughter and her
husband, who have a new baby. We’ve started referring to the sister-
in-law as aunty sticky fingers. She doesn’t steal things per se but she
seems have no concept of private property. The finals straw for me
was when she took unworn Hanukah gifts that were still in their stores
bags for a party and came home two days later without some of them,
which she “thinks are at a friend’s.” These were special gifts I had
ordered for my daughter and they were attractive and expensive.
That’s illustrative. Your column isn’t long enough to list hr
transgressions. She pays no rent, does no baby-sitting, and doesn’t
even clean up her own dishes. My son in law is a sweet guy, and a
little bit of a shlub. So he’s not going to step in on his own. I know I
can’t take back her key, but if I ran the world, I would. What say you?

Fuming

 
Dear Fuming:

I believe in private property. I believe in responsibility, accountability,
and boundaries. It’s time to put them all into effect. Actually past
time, but now’s better than later. Have your daughter try to inventory
what’s missing. Then have her sit down with her husband to agree on
a plan. He may be a schlubb but she is his wife and the mother of his
child. He’ll agree with a little pressure.

 
Step one would be to meet with the sister-in- law and say, Please
retrieve these items from whatever friend’s home where you may have
left them. They’re mine and I care about respecting me and my things,
including my home. It’s unlikely she will be able to do so, but the very
process of asking (and likely re-asking, re-asking, and re-asking) will
begin to penetrate her sense of entitlement. If you’re lucky some
things may return. Next, tell her that your drop-in motel is changing
its policies. Say she is welcome to stay at your home up to two
evenings a week, with pre-arranged scheduling. Tell her staying there
includes responsibility for helping with household chores. I wouldn’t
trust a baby in her care, so not having her baby-sit may be a blessing.
Either put a lock on your closet and don’t give her a key, or tell her
she is not allowed to borrow anything. As in zero, nothing, nada, zilch.
If she acts like an adult, and nothing vanishes you may choose to
continue this for a while, If not, retrieve her key and tell her that she’s
welcome to come for family dinners and special occasions, but that the
welcome mat has been withdrawn until she grows up. She can try to
pull this **** on her own parents.

New Mommy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a new baby and two aggressively competitive new
grandmothers who cannot seem to accept the fact that my husband
and I are competent capable and caring parents. I really do appreciate
their thoughtfulness, good wishes, and help, but not whenever the
whim strikes them to appear at our door. One lives within walking
distance, and the other a short hop away. I feel like a pawn in a one-
ups-womanship contest. I have friends with new babies who have no
local relatives and they think I’m nuts for ever saying No, thanks or
Not now. But honestly these two are wearing me out faster than my
baby, who at least sleeps and gives me moments of quiet.

New Mommy

 
Dear New Mommy:

The greatest laments most new parents have is lack of personal time,
and lack of help. If you are getting time to shower, wash your hair,
and take care of your home you are a lucky new mommy indeed.
I recommend sitting down with, at the same time. Put the baby on
your husband’s lap, and sit with a weekly calendar. Identify times you
know you need help (perhaps a shift each morning and afternoon).
Have them volunteer for the times that work best for their schedule.
Then say very clearly, Please do not come to help unless it is one of
those times or I have called to say, Yikes, Help, I need you. When can
you come? I appreciate your willingness but my honey and I want
quality time with our baby and no one else around. I guarantee there’ll
be years and years of chances to help over time. Get their sign-in. If
someone shows up unannounced, just shake your head through the
door and do a shushing, sleeping baby pantomime.

Horrified

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a nephew whom I dearly love and see maybe once a month for
a play date, and at family events. He’s bright, inquisitive, and yes a
little hyper-active, though I tend to attribute that to the types of
activities he and I enjoy together: sports, activity parks, exercising the
dog, etc. For the record I do not have children of my own, though I
have been an elementary school teacher for fifteen years and see lots
of kids his age. I have also seen a national epidemic of drugging our
children as a behavioral management technique. I do not approve of
this and was horrified when my sister told me that they had decided to
put David on meds. I’ll spare you all the research but it boils down to
this: it’s not good for children to be medicated so young, causes
developmental issues, rebound actions when the meds are withdrawn
or changed, and starts a whole cycle of intractable problems. My first
response to my sister was “Wow. That’s a lot to take in.” Should I tell
her what I really think or not.

Horrified

 
Dear Horrified:

When I was young, so many decades ago, school days had morning
and afternoon recess, art classes, music classes, and physical
education as part of the school day. We spent our non-school, non-
homework time, playing with neighborhood children in large groups:
riding bikes, playing hide and seek, dodge ball, hopscotch, marbles,
etc We played a lot and burned of lots of energy, which it sounds like
your nephew needs to do.

 
Ultimately parents have the right to decide what medications their
child takes. I’ll give your sister the benefit of the doubt and assume
that she has consulted with her pediatrician. You risk a major family
rupture by flat-out disagreeing with her or telling her she is doing
something harmful to her son. I’d start with, Are you open to a
discussion or more information? Assuming you can get a yes , tell her
you’d like some time to google with her, and also to discuss exploring
some options like counseling or behavioral interventions as a first step,
because the side-effects are hard to reverse. Hope she says yes and
observe how things go. Speak up again if you see anything troubling.

Yikes !!!!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every time my parents come to visit something goes kaflooey. It’s like
we are a cursed family. I have broken out in severe attacks of eczema.
My husband had a car accident. Our daughter needed an emergency
appendectomy. The water heater died. The cat died. That’s not all but
I want you to keep reading. The holidays are approaching and honestly
I’d prefer a quiet weekend at home with the doors locked and the
phone unplugged than another catastrophic visit. I love my family, but
my kids are beginning to think that their grandparents travel in some
sort of bad supernatural vortex. Can you explain this seemingly
doomed confluence of people and vents or make a suggestion about
how to avoid yet another calamity?

Yikes !!!!!

 
Dear Yikes!:

Yes, statistically you are describing an unusually high frequency of
annoying, even serious, events. Calling them “calamities” is relative.
I’d pick all of them over, say, a life-threatening diagnosis. And
sometimes bad things happen to good people at exactly the wrong
time. You’ve convinced me that there’s lots of stress in your
immediate family when it’s time to get together with your parents. I
confess to curiosity about whether these same types of things occur
when your husband’s family visits. Also how your parents feel when
they come to visit. Do they think they’re seeing life as normal in your
household? Do they act as though they’re part of the stress, politely
ignore what’s happening, or jump in to help and resolve?

 
Assuming you want to have your folks continue to visit, I’d
recommend finding a way to bond over these disastrous visits, turning
them into great family stories, of the Do you remember the time
when… variety. Once you all start laughing, the stress will abate and
I’m betting the number of disasters will drop precipitously. That sure
beats having your children grow up thinking they come from some
accursed line. The alternative: meet them in some resort, but try to
avoid hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and earthquakes.

Mom

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two daughters who have never been very close, but never
before fought like now. There’s a constant underlying competition
between them, over everything from house size to family vacations.
Each is married to a working stiff, not a professional, so we’re talking a
pretty narrow range of discussions. But lately, since the younger has
gotten pregnant, it seems that every time we are together as a family
there is bickering, and every time I am with one or the other I hear
nothing but complaints about her sib. Should I continue to let it fester
and ignore it, or try to reconcile them? My husband, btw, in the way of
men, seems oblivious and thinks I am being a worrywart.

Mom

 
Dear Mom:

It’s in the nature of mothers to worry about how families get along and
in the nature of fathers to assume all is bliss until the dissonance gets
loud enough that they’re dragged in. I’d suggest a two-pronged
approach. One is to have a one-on- one with each of them saying
basically, I’m tired of the kvetching, back-biting, and jealousy and
competition. I love both of you equally, and want you to be happy.
Everyone’s life is full of joys and tsoris, and it’s the role of family to be
there to celebrate the good times and help out in the bad ones. If you
can’t count on your parents and your sister, who’s there for you?

 

Hope they respond appropriately. If not, offer to take them shopping
together for a day, somewhere like an outlet mall where they’ll
anticipate your smiling credit card. In actuality your goal will be to sit
them down in the food court and say, Here’s the scoop: I love you and
I love you and I want you both to act like you care about one another,
not just when I’m treating you but when no one else is around. If you
can’t do it because it’s right, do it for me. Because if you don’t you
won’t like the mother I’m going to become. Then pray it works.