Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My Uncle Hal and my Great-Aunt Sarah haven’t spoken for six years.
It’s a war of shrill and nasty remarks more than live ammunition, but
noisy and distracting all the same. I am not sure they can even
remember what originally started it, but with so many mean things
said about each other to so many people, their feud has taken on a life
of its own. They are both so sure they are right that if you even
suggest there is a middle ground they act like you are a traitor. I am
getting married in two months. I do not see how I can’t invite both of
them, but the idea of how they could ruin the day gives me a stomach
ache. My fiancé thinks I am exaggerating and makes Hal and
Sarah jokes, so I have no help on that score. What should I do?

Afraid

 
Dear Afraid:

You could resolve the whole issue by ending the engagement, telling
your fiancé that his refusal to credit your knowledge of family history
makes him ineligible to join the meshpoche. But that’s probably more
draconian than you’re willing to be and means tossing out the good
because of the bad.

 
If you don’t want your wedding turned into their sideshow you are gong to have to
get their attention. Tell each of them that their acceptance card must include a
check for some hefty sum ($1,000?) made out to the other one. Based on their
behavior at the wedding, you will decide if their check gets awarded to their rival
or returned. Their appearance at the event is contingent on agreeing to your
terms, or else they can stay home and you’ll cheerfully explain their absence to
the rest of the family. Unless they decide to gang up on you, in which case
eloping sounds wise, you should be able to enjoy your wedding and get the last
laugh.