Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I ended a long-term relationship two years ago, about the same time
that I met a new friend who moved in down the block. She was on the
tail end of bitter divorce and custody fight. I supported her emotionally
through all the trials and tribulations of that process, as well as
through the detritus of a poorly chosen and ill-timed liaison that
started and ended badly and loudly. I think she has had bad
relationship karma, but it looks like it is turning around. She is
currently being pursued by two eligibles, either of whom I would be
happy to have dial my number. Suddenly she is not available to do as
we have been doing, which is to spontaneously grab a dinner and/or
movie, and be one another’s go-to person for someone to hang out
with. Do I weather this storm or say something? I’m feeling a little
As an evolutionary biologist would tell you, we’re hard-wired to mate.
That should not be to the exclusion of friend relationships but often,
especially at the beginning of dating cycles, that’s exactly what
happens. In my youth someone coined the term ‘she fell in a well” to
describe the inevitable three-six month absence we would experience
when a friend of our larger social circle had a new beau. Depending on
the quality and duration of the relationship, your friend may come
back with her tail between her legs, after rejecting (or being rejected
by) either or both of the would-be suitors. But there’s no guarantee.
I’d counsel caution rather than bitterness. Leave her a voice-mail that
says, I miss you and would love to spend time catching up. I know
your dance card is fuller than it was, but I miss the quality time we’ve
had. If we can’t be spontaneous, perhaps we can plan something specific.
Then see how she responds. Who knows, if she does end up
in a happy new relationship, maybe her new someone will have a
buddy who might appreciate you. Then you could be double dating
rather than hoping you had a friend to sit around with complaining
about ex’s and the lack of available people to date.