Category Archives: Relatives

Irma’s Daughter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 65. My mother is 96. We’ve always had a fractured relationship. It
goes beyond the typical mother daughter things. She’s disagreed and
disapproved with virtually everything I have done since becoming an
adult. Probably my coming out as a lesbian was the biggest, though
she has been equally sour and negative when I decided to become a
foster parent. My former partner of twenty years and she seemed to
get along, but my mother has rarely had a kind word for me. We talk
every Sunday. She almost always tries to pick a fight, even when I am
trying my hardest to be nice. She’s fading slowly, nothing diagnosable,
just aging. And yesterday I was realizing how much I really do care for
her, and imagining a world after she is gone. I want to tell her but I
also know her inability to hear sweet things will make it awkward.

Irma’s Daughter

 
Dear Daughter:

Tell her. Now. Call especially to do so, midweek to say, I love you and
really value how important you have been in my life. (Tip: Don’t
preface this speech with, I was thinking about your death.) There’s not
a parent alive who doesn’t want to hear that from a child. And not a
child alive who doesn’t want to hear that from a parent. That’s
especially true for families who’ve experienced dislocation in their
relationships, something that often occurs when a child comes out,
even if the parents eventually reconcile to the news.

 
You don’t say how often you visit your mother. Perhaps it’s time, even
if a long weekend is better on both of your psyches. That’s in part to
see how she’s doing with her day-to- day activities, and also to give
both of you time to say whatever you want to one another. That may
include rehashing some of the old things, and also for you to reaffirm
your loving message. You may have to occasionally bite your tongue if
she reverts to old behaviors. But when she is gone you will be happy
you made her feel good as often as you could, as long as you are also
honest. It’s amazing how we all mellow with age. And important to feel
good about your relationship if she were to die today.

Too Cynical

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is a big softhearted sweetie. He has a niece who is a
troubled child. Her sisters are each successful in various ways, from
marriage to professionally. She’s the family screw up, by comparison
and by deed, specifically by running away with a skanky drug-dealing
boyfriend after dropping out of junior college. Now she’s suicidal, or so
she says. He wants to invite her to live with us (1500 miles from
home) but because the house is full up with our sons (elder home after
a divorce, and younger until college starts again), he also wants to
give her our bedroom and have us live on the futon in the family room.
The sleeping arrangements would be for a month. The “visit” would be
indefinite, or “until she gets her life together.” I am all for helping her
but I also work 60 hours a week and need my sleep and he’s out 8-5,
so there will be no supervision or guidance to help her find and keep
on a path. Am I:

Too Cynical

 
Dear Cynical:

Helping a troubled family member is noble. But setting up a situation
that’s doomed to failure won’t teach her anything and will almost
certainly lead to hassles between you are your husband. The bedroom
issue is pretty simple: either delay the start of her visit a few weeks or
even until your younger son goes back to school or ask him to sleep on
the futon for a few weeks.

 
The deeper help issues need a clear plan that you all agree to. Ideally
she would be enrolled in the local community college and maintain a
minimum GPA to continue to stay with you. She can take core courses
or something vocational but she has to be enrolled or working. The
problem with working is that jobs are hard to come by and she can
languish while looking. Also very clear household rules about no drugs,
and alcohol only under your supervision. It’s hard to legislate whom
people befriend, and she may find similar ilk in your neighborhood. But
you can set rules about who is allowed in your home as a guest and
bar new local skanks from visiting.

 

She must also be in counseling, either individually or group, with your right
to participate in the process in case she drifts too close to the boundary lines of
bad behavior. Make it very clear these are conditions of your hospitality,
renewable every three months, and that if she violates them that you
will not hesitate to ship her home. As for how long is too long, see how
you feel after three months of decent sleep and a tough houseguest.

Dutiful daughter (to a point)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was married for six years to a philanderer. I think he was faithful for
the first year, but given how often he cheated on me later, it’s hard to
believe. He was also my employer so I was financially dependant on
him. Now I am finalizing a divorce. He dragged it out for more than
two years while we were separated. On a trip to visit my parents in
Hawaii, I was (no joke, no matter how clichéd it sounds) seated next
to the man I now live with. We have more in common than I can begin
to list and feels like the answer to all my prayers during the years of
misery. My parents refuse to understand that there was any reason for
the divorce. They have not told the rest of the family. I am supposed
to visit them again in four months and need some advice about
whether I should go or tell my parents I am not coming until they are
honest about me. Or, if I do go, what should I say to relatives before
or during the visit (because my almost fiancé will be with me)?

Dutiful daughter (to a point)

 
Dear Dutiful:

Your duty to your parents is real. But your duty to yourself is also real,
and in this case trumps that to your parents. I think a trip is a good
idea, you and your honey to them. But there’s some things that need
to happen before then. You need to have a candid (and probably more
than one) conversation with your folks that goes roughly: I am
divorced. I gave too big a piece of my life to a man who did not honor
me. I know you do not believe in divorce but I do, and I am far too
young to sacrifice my lives and the lives of my future children to a man
without integrity. I deserve to be happy and so do they. If you want a
real and honest relationship with me and the man I hope will be my
future husband, please be honest with the relatives before I come to
visit. Because if you do not, I will do it in person.

 
They wont be happy about it. But they will eventually recognize that
the revelation is inevitable. When you do show up with your fiancé
(which would certainly legitimize things for them, but should not be
the reason you get engaged), be sure you all take time for “get to
know the in-laws” time. The long distance will be an impediment, but
strong bonds will form once they see how good he is for and to you.

Momma Bear

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a single mom whose outstandingly great daughter is graduating
this week. I have relatives coming from around the country to
celebrate. My problem: a house full of redheads is too many
opinionated folks under one roof. We call my mother’s sisters The
Generals because they all think they’re in charge of everyone and
everything. Each of them thinks she knows knows best, whether it’s a
potato salad recipe or seating arrangements at the high school. They
can put on a polite face for about an hour before they explode. Living
with them is like being in a brewing hurricane. One wrong word can
lead to years of bickering and backbiting. How can I get through this
without having it ruined for Sophia and me?

Momma Bear

 
Dear Momma Bear:

You need to pin extra stars to your collar and out-general the
generals. As you pick each one up at the airport (or greet them in the
driveway), you need to have The Talk. The Talk goes something like
this: I know you like to be in charge. While I often agree with your
opinions, I also know that not everyone does. So listen up! I’m going
to say it once now and hopefully not have to say it again. This is not
the week for fighting and bickering. This week is not about you, and
not about any of the rest of the family trying to be more right than the
others. This week is about Sophia!

 
You should continue by saying you don’t want to be distracted trying
to play traffic cop, referee, or range boss. You want to be able to enjoy
your daughter’s success and share the warmth presence of family. Tell
them firmly that if they’re even so much as snippy to one another that
you’ll ask them to leave. Ask them to park their egos at the door. If
they want to compete, they should vie to be the nicest, sweetest,
kindest, and most loving guests that they can be. Perhaps you’ll
inspire them to channel their natural competitiveness into a new
direction. If not, don’t back down. Grown-ups, even hot-tempered
ones, should learn to set a good example.

Needs Some Quiet

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My father-in- law has moved to town and thinks he can drop by whenever he
likes. Not only that, instead of playing with my three active and demanding
children, he’s taken to parking himself in the kitchen with me, talking over my
music and talk radio, which in addition to a 20-minute walk are my only respites
in my safety zone of the kitchen when I chop and prepare meals. I have so very
very little alone time, quiet time, or time when I can control what’s coming towards me!! How can I politely let him know my boundaries? BTW, my husband
travels for work at least a week a month, so I know this will be worse when he’s
out of town.

Needs Some Quiet

 
Dear Needs Some Quiet:

If your father-in- law is mobile enough to live independently and get to your house
without a ride from you, he is still with it enough to have a sit-down with you
(reinforced separately and later by your husband if needed) that goes something
like this: Dear Pop. We’re so happy that you moved closer to us. It&'s great for you
and wonderful for the kids to have their grandfather around so much more. We all
love you and are looking forward to more family time. But we have a very
complicated household, what with Husband’s job and travel schedule, and the
various activities and school commitments of the kids. My life leaves me only
very narrow windows in which to manage the household, get all the cooking and
cleaning done, and schlep everyone hither and yon. Somewhere in all the busy-
ness I try for whatever small windows of time I can grab to keep myself functional
and sane. That means that no one, literally no one, is allowed in the kitchen with
me when I am there. It is my small little ocean of sanity, even when I am busy
trying to cook and clean for the family. Sometimes I need quiet and other times I
need my radio or music. It&'s what keeps me emotionally on track. Ditto for when I
take my 20-minute walk each day alone, as in No thanks I don&'t want company,
as much as I love you. I know you&'re trying to be part of the family, but the best
way to do that is to let me have my down time alone. Then give him a hug, and if
necessary set up a cue word or signal, so that if he crosses the line you can shoo
him out with a laugh. It will take time and repetition, like training a puppy, but
eventually it will work.

Angry Sis-in- Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister-in- law is a leech. She’s never once even reached for a check
when we go out. She inherited all there was from my husband’s
grandfather. His parents support her regularly with big gifts to
subsidize her alimony from her ex. We get nothing because we both
work, and because my husband is a man and supposed to support his
family. She called yesterday asking if he would co-sign the loan papers
for my nephew’s private school tuition. He’s “too sensitive” to go to
public school. She got laid off from her job as a teacher. She’s “too
used to summers off” to take a regular M-5, 9-5 job, even though any
idiot can tell that teachers are an endangered species. My husband is a
softie. I just want to say no. How do you rule?

Angry Sis-in- Law

 
Dear Angry:

There’s no point being angry. You married into a dysfunctional family,
and my guess is that unequal treatment around money is the tip of the
iceberg. There’s not much you can do about your parents-in- law.
Unless you divorce your husband you have lots more inequity to look
forward to. So this is a great opportunity to work on your marriage
and decide what limits you’re going to set for your sister-in- law. She
may be entitled and setting unreasonable expectations in her children
She may legitimately need more than she has. But you do not have to
subsidize you’re her family any more than you and your husband
agree to.

 
Have a family meeting. Agree on an annual budget for the sister-in-
law and her children. It can be $100, $1,000, $10,000, whatever you
want and can afford without bitterness in your own home. Then
communicate that to her, preferably through your husband. Explain
that though you both work you have a mortgage, retirement etc of
your own. Say you wish her well, do not begrudge the inheritance she
got that your husband did not (even if that’s a fib) but that you cannot
take on legal responsibility for her family’s lifestyle choices. Say you
have a budget for gifts and emergencies but not for school or other
major expenses. Suggest she consult a financial adviser, but that
cannot be your role. She’ll be angry. She’ll ask again. But eventually
she’ll get the message if you do not equivocate too much.

Worried

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My sister- and brother-in- law just left after a ten-day visit with their
children (8 and 10). We had a good time locally, on day trips, and a
few nights at the beach). But I have a bloody mouth from biting my
tongue about the dysfunctionality I observes both in their relationship
and parenting. I also saw how the children withdrew when their
parents were “bantering.” What the adults see as “playful” criticism, or
“teasing,” the children respond to like a cat-o- nine-tails. They curl into
themselves and start to mumble. In a teenager I’d say this is age-
related, but these kids should be happily engaging. I didn’t say
anything because they were on vacation. We’ll be staying with them
for a cousin’s Bar Mitzvah this fall. Is it better to say something when
we’re on their turf? I’m a therapist btw, so this is not a snarky
buttinski relative but a legitimately concerned professional. Plus I love
the kids.
Worried

 
Dear Worried:
Trained professional of not, there are few good places to tell a relative
something they won’t want to hear. Ditto for how you choose to
deliver your insights, which you should note will always be heard as
buttinski regardless of how true they may be. I understand your
concern for your nephew/niece, but you’ll have as much of a chance of
helping them directly as indirectly. Model good adult behavior when
you are around them. Also be warm and accessible, and give them
signals that you are a safety zone for them to talk to and feed heard.

 

As for the adults, say something when you say good-bye at the Bar
Mitzvah. A parting salvo like, There’s something I’ve been wanting to
talk about, but didn’t want to do it on your vacation or at a family
occasion. I’ll send you an email next week and then maybe we can find
a time to talk. To whom you say this is an interesting problem. You
and your husband could double-team them, he to his sib and you to
sib’s partner. Be sure you have your messages clear before you start.

 

An email to both of them from both of you that says roughly: We see
signs in [names of children] that concern us. We think that what you
see as playful teasing may be harming their self-esteem, and possibly
their relationships with you and others. We’ll call you in the hope that
you’ll hear us out. Be prepared for a rough reception and lots of
denial. But don’t back away from starting this dialogue.

Tired of Peacemaking

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My son is graduating high school next week. My mother and brother
live in town and my sister lives two hours away. My brother and sister
haven’t spoken in two years. That’s almost an improvement from when
they did talk, because it was always conducted at several decibels
above normal peaking volume and accompanied by loud cursing,
insults, and snide remarks. None of the rest of us is anything but
disgusted by their behavior but no one has been able to convince them
that they should just act like grownups, not ten-year olds. My sister
has said she wants to come, but she’s said that before and not shown
up. How can I prevent them from turning my son’s graduation into
their circus?
Tired of Peacemaking

 
Dear Tired/Peacemaker:
Clearly they’re more attached to the dysfunction than they are to the
idea of happiness and family harmony. Clearly also both of them value
you, and clearly both of them have some sense of family or they
wouldn’t want to be with your nuclear family. But you do have some
leverage. Have the same conversation with each of them. It goes
something like this:
You’re my sibling and I love you, even though you’re not always the
easiest person to be around. I’ve tried to talk to you about this issue
before and you haven’t listened. Listen up because I am deadly
serious: If you screw up my son’s graduation I will shun you for one
year. I will not speak to you, I will not text or email you, I will not
invite you to family events or say yes to any invitation o extend. I
expect you to be civil, polite, and act like an adult. You can talk about
the weather and you can talk about my son, praising and
congratulating, and you can compliment the food. You may not discuss
anything else. And if you raise your voice above conversational level.
If you violate any of these terms I will insist that you leave.

 

Get your mother to back you up. Then stick to your plan.

Referee

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My mother, sister, and I are planning a vacation in the Caribbean
together, despite the disaster that occurred two years ago when we
tried to have fun and set a new record for bad family time. It was six
days of hell, dominated by too much drinking followed by endless
fighting between my mother and sister, mostly over events from our
childhood that I cannot believe they still bear grudges over. It took
three months for them to get over the last trip, and lots of intervention
from me. I’ve tried talking to each of them to prepare them to be kind
and playful instead of backbiting and ready for a scrap. Each has
promised “to be on my best behavior,” “to avoid bringing up the past,”
and to avoid escalating any minor arguments that may occur into
World War III. But I’ve not only seen this show before, I’m the
peacemaker who’s expected to pick up the pieces and patch
everything together, while they’re allowed to squabble like angry two-
year olds. I’m tired of being the responsible adult. I do love them and
would like to have a good trip, because my mother is 75 and not
getting any younger. Can you make it possible?
Referee

 
Dear Referee:
There are several triggers in your letter. Alcohol exacerbates many negative
behaviors, and certainly lowers inhibitions about saying things that are better left
unsaid. A history of fighting, with a parallel history of relying on someone else to
make everything copacetic after the fighting, means that neither of the problem
children has to take full responsibility for her behavior. Frankly, I think you’re
either heroic or slightly nuts to volunteer for this exercise, but maybe you need a
vacation more than you fear a repeat of the prior trip.

 
Draw up a list of agreements for them each to sign. No email or voice. In writing.
It should include a list of topics they will not discuss under any circumstances
(and a code word, something blatant like “Snowshoe!!” or “Cactus!!” that you’ll be
authorized to invoke if they stray into the forbidden. Also a commitment to limit
themselves to a reasonable number of drinks, and a specific list of steps they will
agree to take if anything escalates. Have a one on one with each of them. Ask              them to sign the document. Tell each of them the same thing: If you violate this
agreement, I am not going to bail you out. I am going to grab my bag and my suit
and head for the pool. You two will have to work this out and I am not going to
save you. If necessary I’ll rent a different room and not spend time with you. If
you cannot keep this a good time, please do not leave home. They may not
believe you, and it will be up to you to make it stick, perhaps by leaving the room
once or twice. But if you do walk out on them during a fight, they’ll let the
message loud and clear.

Grieving Son

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother just died. I am 45 and this is new territory for me. I live 2500 miles
from where I grew up. My mother raised me alone but she has always been
vibrantly happy and self-sufficient. I am btw a bachelor (previously married, no
children). My job is a very demanding, lots of people depend on me and this
huge and sudden interruption is causing chaos, as I am the only responsible
party to go take care of funeral and house. There was no warning. No indication
she was going to do anything except live another 30 years. One massive heart
attack and wham, gone. I am reeling and not sure how to get my bearings.
Grieving Son

 
Dear Grieving:
My condolences. I’ve been through this twice. It doesn’t get any easier or better
with repetition. What I learned: It is a very non-linear process. You’ll have good
days and bad ones. It’s okay to cry any time you need to. It’s okay to say My
mother just died. That’s true with any colleague or stranger, or to snag the exit
row on an airline. Make sure you are equipped with caffeine and chocolate. Don’t
kill any of your relatives (even if they seem to deserve it in a given moment).
Sleep when you can. Do only what you need to. Avoid people who trigger bad
responses in you. Go for as many walks as you can. (Note: some of this is good
advice even without losing a parent). Don’t worry about your office –they’ve
coped with worse and will do so again. Focus on taking good care of yourself and
whatever your family needs.

My favorite poem about death is by a guy named Billy Collins, former US Poet Laureate, called “The Dead”:

The dead are always looking down on us, they say,
while we are putting on our shoes or making a sandwich,
they are looking down through the glass bottom boats of heaven
as they row themselves slowly through eternity.

They watch the tops of our heads moving below on earth,
and when we lie down in a field or on a couch,
drugged perhaps by the hum of a long afternoon,
they think we are looking back at them,

which makes them lift their oars and fall silent
and wait, like parents, for us to close our eyes.

 

 

May the memory of each of your loved ones be a blessing.

Disgusted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I come from a big opinionated family. We had a Seder this year that
included some aunts and uncles who aren’t usually included. They
were visiting my folks and there was no alternative. To say it simply,
they’re conservative fat cats who believe in and stand for virtually
everything that our branch of the family opposes politically. They were
angry and bitter about the passage of the new health care bill, and
made several overt comments that went way beyond civil dialogue.
Frankly they were so racist and offensive that my mother had to take
me aside in the kitchen to calm me down and prevent me from saying
what I really thought. Now they’ve enrolled all of us onto a mailing list
for crap that verges on treason as far as I am concerned. Other than
unsubscribing myself, how do I respond?
Disgusted

 
Dear Disgusted:
Unsubscribe. And resist the impulse to return the rude gesture. Be
grateful you don’t have to see much of these relatives. Give money to
causes you care about that counter the arguments that you found so
despicable. Volunteer to work for them, learn their talking points, and
master the rhetorical skills you might want to employ if you’re ever in
a similar situation.

 
As for the relatives, if you choose to engage them in dialogue (by
email or phone), be prepared for them to last longer than you will
want to. Decide how much time and energy you want to devote to
countering, because you definitely won’t convert these folks. If you
conclude it’s hopeless, as I probably would, just send them a note
saying that you’ll happily see them at family functions in the future,
but that you have unsubscribed from their undesirable signups, and
simply won’t participate in any future discussion of politics with them
in the future. Last: vote and encourage your friends and colleagues to
do the same.