Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My father-in- law has moved to town and thinks he can drop by whenever he
likes. Not only that, instead of playing with my three active and demanding
children, he’s taken to parking himself in the kitchen with me, talking over my
music and talk radio, which in addition to a 20-minute walk are my only respites
in my safety zone of the kitchen when I chop and prepare meals. I have so very
very little alone time, quiet time, or time when I can control what’s coming towards me!! How can I politely let him know my boundaries? BTW, my husband
travels for work at least a week a month, so I know this will be worse when he’s
out of town.
Needs Some Quiet
Dear Needs Some Quiet:
If your father-in- law is mobile enough to live independently and get to your house
without a ride from you, he is still with it enough to have a sit-down with you
(reinforced separately and later by your husband if needed) that goes something
like this: Dear Pop. We’re so happy that you moved closer to us. It&'s great for you
and wonderful for the kids to have their grandfather around so much more. We all
love you and are looking forward to more family time. But we have a very
complicated household, what with Husband’s job and travel schedule, and the
various activities and school commitments of the kids. My life leaves me only
very narrow windows in which to manage the household, get all the cooking and
cleaning done, and schlep everyone hither and yon. Somewhere in all the busy-
ness I try for whatever small windows of time I can grab to keep myself functional
and sane. That means that no one, literally no one, is allowed in the kitchen with
me when I am there. It is my small little ocean of sanity, even when I am busy
trying to cook and clean for the family. Sometimes I need quiet and other times I
need my radio or music. It&'s what keeps me emotionally on track. Ditto for when I
take my 20-minute walk each day alone, as in No thanks I don&'t want company,
as much as I love you. I know you&'re trying to be part of the family, but the best
way to do that is to let me have my down time alone. Then give him a hug, and if
necessary set up a cue word or signal, so that if he crosses the line you can shoo
him out with a laugh. It will take time and repetition, like training a puppy, but
eventually it will work.