Category Archives: Gifting

Angry Sis-in- Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister-in- law is a leech. She’s never once even reached for a check
when we go out. She inherited all there was from my husband’s
grandfather. His parents support her regularly with big gifts to
subsidize her alimony from her ex. We get nothing because we both
work, and because my husband is a man and supposed to support his
family. She called yesterday asking if he would co-sign the loan papers
for my nephew’s private school tuition. He’s “too sensitive” to go to
public school. She got laid off from her job as a teacher. She’s “too
used to summers off” to take a regular M-5, 9-5 job, even though any
idiot can tell that teachers are an endangered species. My husband is a
softie. I just want to say no. How do you rule?

Angry Sis-in- Law

 
Dear Angry:

There’s no point being angry. You married into a dysfunctional family,
and my guess is that unequal treatment around money is the tip of the
iceberg. There’s not much you can do about your parents-in- law.
Unless you divorce your husband you have lots more inequity to look
forward to. So this is a great opportunity to work on your marriage
and decide what limits you’re going to set for your sister-in- law. She
may be entitled and setting unreasonable expectations in her children
She may legitimately need more than she has. But you do not have to
subsidize you’re her family any more than you and your husband
agree to.

 
Have a family meeting. Agree on an annual budget for the sister-in-
law and her children. It can be $100, $1,000, $10,000, whatever you
want and can afford without bitterness in your own home. Then
communicate that to her, preferably through your husband. Explain
that though you both work you have a mortgage, retirement etc of
your own. Say you wish her well, do not begrudge the inheritance she
got that your husband did not (even if that’s a fib) but that you cannot
take on legal responsibility for her family’s lifestyle choices. Say you
have a budget for gifts and emergencies but not for school or other
major expenses. Suggest she consult a financial adviser, but that
cannot be your role. She’ll be angry. She’ll ask again. But eventually
she’ll get the message if you do not equivocate too much.

Want to Help

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just got a job in a very poor rural school district. I teach English as a
second language to all district students, grades 1-12. Ignoring for the
moment, please, any issues related to the politics of immigration, can
you help me figure out how to compensate for the fact that virtually
none of these students live in a home where they get support from an
English-speaking parent and most are even poorer than their English-
speaking schoolmates. I started an after-school homework club so I
can work individually with the most motivated of them, many of whom
are latch-key anyhow and have no safe place to spend time after
school. I don’t mind volunteering my time and energy, but I can’t
make up for an entire school system’s budgetary deficiencies. And
these kids are poor, poor, poor. They seem to have nothing but the
clothes they show up in.

Want to Help

 
Dear Want to Help:

A great technique one of my teaching friends uses is a Prize Box. It
works something like this. Kids who come to the after school
Homework Club can earn coupons by completing their homework, and
perhaps half of a coupon for showing up. When they earn five coupons
they can use them to trade for things from the Prize Box. What’s in the
box? Anything that’ll attract a kid’s attention.

 
You can find all sorts of things for free or very cheaply in your own
home and at garage sales. You can also solicit donations from your
friends and family. Try emotional bait like this: Wanted for my very
underprivileged students: Small objects for my classroom Prize Box.
Do you have any cool things you want to clean out of drawers clear
and out of your life? Good prizes are anything from cool rocks, to
action figures; books, books, books; beads, crafty items, or jewelry;
figurines, games, DVDs, or anything your kid loved and is still in
presentable conditions. If you have donations (sorry no tax break),
put them in a bag and email me. I’ll pick them up and say thank you.

Not Giving Any More

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
This is very awkward. There’s a woman in my widest circle of friends
(this includes my congregation, artistic circle, book group, etc.) who is
dying of cancer. She’s doing it very publicly and as far as I can tell
willing to exploit the sentimentality, sympathy, and wallet of anyone
she knows and everyone they know. Many people like her and think
she’s a sensitive saint. Frankly I have found her petty and self-serving,
and while I wouldn’t wish cancer or death on anyone, the public
spectacle is annoying me and making me resistant to going to any of
the fund-raising events that are being given in her honor. How can I
tactfully decline to participate in her circus?
Not Giving Any More

 
Dear Not Giving:
You&'re entitled to your opinion of this woman. But I’d suggest that not
sharing it, with anyone, is the right course of action. Whatever she did
to you, or whatever she to engender such feelings in you, is at vast
contrast with how others feel, or say they do. Once a community has
bonded around an image of someone, especially someone who is dying
very publicly, it doesn’t change. If you utter so much as a peep
against her you’ll become the target of everyone else’s latent feelings
of being put upon, as well as the righteous anger of those who love
and care about her, and who’ll wish it were you instead. So button up
your mouth and stop any unkind thoughts from passing your lips. You
may even be right, but why upset anyone by saying so. And if you’re
wrong, save yourself the shame.

 
What you can do is recommend that a fund be started for her at a local
bank. It’s pretty traditional for similar circumstances. It allows people
to deposit (anonymously) for her medical expenses. If there isn’t
already one, start one and encourage others to give. If there’s already
a fund, give so you can say you did (I’m sure you can afford $50).
When you’re invited to an event, you can reply, I can’t go but I gave to the                            So-and- So Fund. I hope she heals quickly or goes easily. If
anyone attempts to engage you more in more conversation you can
legitimately say, I can’t talk about it any more. It’s too upsetting.

Protective Momma

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
One of my closest friends gave my son a card and a book for his
graduation. We’ve included her in family events for ten years and I
think of her as a sister. Now, as a very cheap sister. She does hire him
for yard work and helped with his college essays. But my son is hurt,
especially when he compares her gift to the many $25, $50, even
$100 gift cards he got from many people much less close. Do I say
something or shut up?
Protective Momma

 
Dear Momma:
She may in fact be cheap. Or she may feel that she’s already done a
lot for your son. Or it may be that this is what she can afford now. It’s
always hard to see into people’s heads and hearts. Better to know
your own and to use this as a teaching moment for your son. Money’s
nice but perhaps the book will be something meaningful down the
road.

 
You do have the option of being less close or less inclusive. But I
would caution about saying anything directly. What will be tempting is
to say, [Son’s name] got $xyz in gifts. Try to let this go if you don’t
have any other running beefs in the friendship. If you do, and have
been sitting on other slights or resentments, you can use this as an
opening to a conversation about your friendship. But tread lightly until
you listen to her as well. She clearly sees this differently than you.
Also, be sure your son writes (or calls) a thank you to her and anyone
who gave him a gift. This is a good opportunity to learn how not to
have expectations and to practice good manners.

Dutiful But Disgusted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My mother-in- law is a hoarder. Not a collector, but the kind of person they do TV
specials about. I just spent four days there with my husband. Four days, count
them; 3,500 miles; and $4K I could have used for my own home. We cleaned
halfway through her small bungalow. To give you a sense of how disgusting this
was, the first thing we did was to dedicate a “rat bag” for desiccated carcasses. It
went downhill from there. We wore gloves, masks, and looked like the HAZMAT
crew from a bad sci fi movie. We pay the taxes for her each year. The house also
needs about $2K of electrical and plumbing work immediately. I suspect she’ll
start relying on us every time something goes wrong. I am also afraid to give her
money lest she hit the garage sales again, buying “valuable antiques”. I know I’m
never spending another four days tossing and scrubbing again, but I feel fatalistic
about the likelihood she’ll recreate the chaos. How responsible are we to rescue
her from herself?
Dutiful But Disgusted

 
Dear Dutiful:
You have two different issues: How much do you want to invest in this
clearly declining situation for how long? Also what, if any, guarantees
can you require in exchange for your financial support that minimize or
slow, if not prevent, the slide into future chaos.

 

A lot depends on how your husband feels about being responsible for her,                        and also what lines of communication are open between you and her (after the
cleansing). My first recommendation might be social services to see
what help’s around, but in these budgetary days I am not optimistic.
You didn’t mention a synagogue or friends, but getting local help
should be an important priority. Keep asking questions till you locate
helpful allies, even if you have to rent them.

 
In an ideal world you and your husband would identify an annual
mother-care budget. That can include tax money, repair money,
whatever you are willing and able to pay for. Giving that money to the
taxman or the technicians (directly with invoices, btw, not to the
acquisitive mother) has to be contingent on a walkthrough the place to
be sure it at a reasonable level of cleanliness. This can be done on                                Skype, by someone with a laptop, preferably someone you hire, with
no vested interest in the outcome. Not clean, no contribution. Clean,
you help. Not easy but the best you can do from across the country.
Your husband will have to return, even if you do not.

Big Sister

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I have a sister who is five years my junior. We were never very close
for reasons too numerous to explain. I married early (at 20); she
traveled extensively over the years. We are now closer than we’ve
ever been, at 66 and 61. I have been married living the good life for
many years. She is a clinical psychologist and I am sure that her
income is not nearly as high as mine. I would like to help her when
and if she need financial assistance. She has never asked me for help.
On a recent visit to my home, we walked and talked and had a good
visit. At breakfast I asked her about her yearly salary. She said it was
none of my business. I have never before asked anyone what their
salary is. I asked so I would be able to give her money from time to
time if I felt it was needed. She was upset. At that point I told her that
we could never be close. Was I wrong?
Big Sister

 
Dear Big Sister:
Your motivation wasn’t wrong but your execution seems to have been.
If you’ve never asked anyone else this question, there’s a reason. It’s
intrusive, sometimes more so among people who are close than
relatively new acquaintances or professional colleagues. It’d been
better to have asked in general, Do you ever feel tight for money?
Would you be able to accept money from me in those times? Or better
yet, to gift her without making it feel like charity in a way that might
make her feel shamed.
Best would be to treat her to things where you’d enjoy her company,
without making a big deal about it, or in a way she’d feel you were
lording your status over her. Invite her to join you at everything from
dinner and a concert to a vacation. Tell her that you enjoy her
company but don’t want to impose the costs on her. Say that if she
can make the time, you’d like to make up for the years you were not
as close. She may see through you. But time is getting shorter. Make
up and enjoy her while you’re both well enough to be together.

Dilemma of Riches

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently took a vacation to see relatives with my children. My
husband had work commitments and did not come. I was a little
concerned traveling in rural areas but we had the car checked out,
planned to travel in daylight, had snacks and water in a gas-filled tank,
every precaution you can imagine. Instead of a catastrophe, I have a
very different problem. I’m not complaining, but I am in a quandary.
On a remote highway in the west of the state, I noticed a troronado of
cash swirling in the wind off the side of the road. I pulled over,
grabbed everything I saw without noticing the denominations. I looked
around, saw no one, heard nothing, so decided to drive off. It turned
out to be 14 one-hundred dollar bills and no one around, except my
one- and three-year old….
Dilemma of Riches

 
Dear Riches
No city. No police. No one to turn it in to. Also not a place a woman
and kids want to go wandering around door-knocking saying, Hey do
you want a wad of free money? What a perfect test of moral elasticity.
Are you sure you didn’t see a psychologist with a clipboard lurking in
the bushes? First thing: Run an ad on the local craigslist lost and found
page: Did you lose a green rectangular object in the windstorm on
[date]? If so email x@ with a description. Note: do not use your own
email; set up a dummy account at yahoo or google. Not to stereotype,
but loose hundreds may be part of drug deal. Screen answers for
someone who’s willing to say, I lost money in the wind. Then say you’ll
have the local police come talk to them. If they answer again, go down
that road.
One question is, do you tell your spouse. Another is whether you keep
any or all of the cash. If your kids are too young to understand the
concept of money, you can call it litter pickup and pocket it all, if your
conscience would let you. I am betting not. My recommendation is that
you wait two weeks for the craigslist option to expire. Then give
enough to charity that you can tell the kids it is an object lesson in
honesty. Keep the rest to pay for a treat. Your call what the ratio is,
but I recommend at least 50% to charity, and 100% if you want to
feel extra special.