Category Archives: Habits

Two Years To Go

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m morbidly obese. I have lost seventy pounds but still have well over
one hundred still to go. I have been on what some people might
consider a strict diet (basics are mostly fruits and vegetables, no
wheat, dairy, or sugar, with lots more details) but for me it has
become a way of life. I could lighten up on the strictness but I am so
empowered and energized by how I feel and do not want to lose the
momentum. My husband, who should also lose at least a hundred
pounds, keeps asking me to eat out. I wouldn’t mind occasionally
going to a restaurant where I could get what I want to eat. But he
likes greasy Chinese, and once I’m there it’s impossible to find brown
rice, let alone organic vegetables. Each time I relent and go I regret it
immediately and suffer the next day. Each time he promises he’ll
never ask again. But a week later he begs and whines until I give in.

Two Years To Go

 
Dear Two Years To Go:

You cannot change the past, except how you are already doing it:
being on program and sticking to it as well as you can. The fact that
you have been so successful already should be very reinforcing. I’m
sorry your husband cannot get on board and be supportive. That’s
disappointing but not terribly surprising. Many people do not like
seeing their own issues reflected by their loved ones. And misery
(which extreme obesity can be) does tend to love company. Also,
while your commitment is impressive, admirably so, the duration of
the process is probably intimidating him. There’s nowhere to hide from
your process and your progress. Eventually even he is going to have to
start dealing with his own demons.

 
What to do: Hold him to his word. Like any serial fibber, he means
what he says when he says it, just not the next time has to be held
accountable for what he promised. Get him to put it in writing. When
he starts asking about going out for dinner, hand him his written vow
and ask him to read it out loud. Then offer up a list of places you
would be willing to go: places where you can get salads, healthy sides,
carb-free or gluten-free food, or whatever other specific guidelines you
choose to obey. He’ll grumble but eventually he’ll give in. Congrats
and good luck getting to goal.

Flatlining

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How do I know if I am in a depression? I have been tired for so long, a
prolonged feeling of real depletion. I have seen every kind of doctor
imaginable, from alternative care providers to neurologists. Mostly, I
feel stuck. I get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go to bed.
My life is punctuated by the occasional movie or beer with friends, but
nothing seems to excite me. It’s not physical; I’ve seen my doctor and
had all the requisite blood work and tests. I’ve been in counseling
before and know the signs of depression. This isn’t deeply emotional at
that level. It’s just that my life feels too familiar. How can I find some
spice, even a distracting love affair?

Flatlining

 
Dear Flatlining:

Falling in love rarely happens when people are as low as you describe
yourself. Or, if it does, it could easily be a wrong choice that might
distract you in the short run and complicate your life for a long, long
time. Better to pick yourself up and get some zip going on your own,
and then present in the world as a fuller human being.

 
Take some time to think about when you last felt excited, when you
weren’t tired and lackluster. Think about what you were doing, what
hobbies interested you, who you were hanging with, what was
different about your life. Shake things up. Make a commitment to try
new things, whether that’s taking an art class or getting a friend to go
dancing with you. Focus on getting out of the house more and
worrying less. Reach out to friends you trust and ask them to include
you when they do fun things. Look at your job and see if there’s a
project you can volunteer for that would challenge you. Find an
organization whose values you care about and volunteer some time.
Don’t, by the way, discount another round of counseling. But don’t
limit yourself to it. You need more than talk; you need more play.

On the Brink

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My doctor is threatening me with death. Not tomorrow but twenty
years sooner than I would prefer to live. If I will live for thirty years, I
don’t want to do it in a wheelchair or without my feet. I’m diabetic and
have been coasting on oral meds. But my blood sugar numbers are
going up and I have very consistent high inflammation rates. A friend
did a very stringent diet to reduce inflammation. For six months. It
looked hard but she claimed it was worth the deprivations. I’m scared
of anything so tough but also scared of what’ll happen if I do nothing.
I want a lifestyle that lets me be social with friends, like having a drink
and going for a hike.
On the Brink

 
Dear On the Brink:
The usual disclaimers. I give lifestyle, not medical, advice. But
speaking for all people who’ve every received a “do it or else” speech
from a doctor, my response is pretty much the same as yours: Eeek.
Damn. Can I have more time? Eeek,eeek, eeek! Anger, sadness, eeek
and a search for information or options that satisfy several criteria.

 

Those criteria are: palatability (literally, I’ll put this food in my mouth
and swallow); manageability (I can adapt to the time needs of this
regimen); and sustainability (I’ll stick with it long enough for it to do
some good. The bad news: you’re going to have to do something. The
good news: working with your doctor you’ll find a program that meets
your criteria, whether it’s what your friend did or something different.
Any change will likely feel like one.

 

Lay out all options, from most radical to most minimal. Lay out the goals and                    ground rules. You have several chances every day to do right or to screw up.                  Every time you lift a fork, you’re making a choice about how long you want to                live and under what conditions. Be sensible, be committed. Practice the
simplest decisions: smaller portions, more exercise, no fad diets. It will
take at least six months, probably a year. Mostly, make the decision that you’re worth it, and that if you do it right, you can hike and toast your success with friends though and after your transition. Good luck.

Also Have High Blood Sugar

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I was married for twelve years to someone with whom I was
increasingly less in love. He became diabetic. Not the kind who takes
good care of himself, but the kind who would eat two bagels with
cream cheese plus a couple of Danish for breakfast. The idea of
caretaking someone who wasn’t taking care of himself made me crazy.
I have a sweet tooth too, but not like that. One day ten years ago I
heard myself imagining what to do with his life insurance money. I
knew I had to get a divorce. Today I saw him in the market. His
basket held two pounds of butter, cookies, bread, and lots of
processed foods. He told me casually about his heart and kidney
problems. I told him good luck and fled. I went home and got on the
scale, and am freaked out about my own health. I’m 30 pounds
overweight. I don’t want to become him.
Also Have High Blood Sugar

 
Dear High Blood Sugar:
Looking in the mirror of your past is a great wake up call. So listen to
what you’re being told. Immediately take an inventory of your life.
Look at your daily schedule, when you move your body, and what you
put in your mouth. Be careful to examine every aspect of your life,
from the mindless way you eat cookies at the office to what you buy in
the market. Pay attention to simple things like choosing the stairs
instead of an elevator. Don’t be in a rush. Take a week or two to really
observe and log your behavior. You don’t need to rush to change, but
pay very close attention.

 
Get your doctor to give you a checkup and support. Then decide what
changes you are willing to stick to. Don’t try to fix it all at once. But
decide on two things, one food and one exercise that you will do daily
for a month. If you screw up, do better the next day. Keep a log. If
you can commit to a plan like weight watchers, do it. But set your
baseline and watch yourself transform.

Shortie

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I am 59 and have just been diagnosed with osteopenia (the precursor
of osteoporosis). I used to be almost 5’3”. Now I am 5’11/2. Eeek I am
shrinking! I hate gyms but know that I have to do exercises to halt the
process. I am scared and feel motivated but also know that I am not
very disciplined. I know I can’t get taller, but when I saw a picture of
myself recently I looked like a short child sitting at an office
conference table with all the grown-ups. Everyone else’s head was a
foot higher off the table. How can I grow?
Shortie

 
Dear Shortie:
There’s an app for that! It’s called weight-bearing exercise. It’s
something you can do at home or at a gym. My best recommendation
is to see if there’s course designed specifically to counteract
osteoporosis at a local community college or parks/rec program. Most
communities have services specifically for seniors and this is a pretty
popular topic and problem. Start there and see if you can learn, and
sustain, a program with weights at home. There are also likely DVDs
that you could work out with, but better to learn the correct
movements in a class first so you don’t inadvertently do some damage
and not be able to follow through on your program. If you do fail to
exercise, then a gym or a personal trainer are very viable next steps.

 
The other thing you can do, to quote my dear departed mother is to
Stand up straight, Pull your shoulders back, and Look up not down.
You could also hire a posture coach, someone who might say the same
thing but also help you know how to do them. I’m not talking
schoolmistress with a ruler rapping your knuckles, but maybe a dance
teacher to act as a tutor. As one short middle-aged Jewish woman to
another, I’m proud of Elena Kagan for standing tall and representing
the rest of us as bright and competent, if short.