Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a neighbor two doors down with whom I have a very close
relationship. One of our mutual friends once described it as “lurking
privileges,” which means in essence, If I am up early and need
something like half-and- half, I have the right to walk around the house
and look in a window or two and see if anyone sees us. We have
keys but don’t use them early or late. For reasons too arcane to
explain, we agreed not to text before 7 am after her mother moved in
with them (the usual aging symptoms plus plus). Yesterday the city
worked on the sewer lines outside our houses. I stayed away from
home a lot of the day. For the record, it is very hard to run zero water
(sink, shower, laundry, flushing, even washing one’s hands). The
caution was, If you do, the sewage may back up and then it is your
problem. Write the script: In a fit of partial lucidity, while my neighbor
was out, her mother remembered not to flush at her house, but found
the key and came over to mine to use the bathroom. When I got home
there was a backed-up mess in both bathrooms and the tub. Ugh Ugh
Ugh. I cleaned it up (we are talking hours not just one roll of towels).
Do I say anything or not?

Disgusted

 
Dear Disgusted:

For both the safety of your home and her mother, as well as the
integrity of the friendship, you have to say something. You can make
it short and clear, putting the burden on her not for any remediation
but for future planning. Start with: Your mother might not have
understood that what was true about flushing at your house was also
true at mine. I came home to a mess, which is all cleaned up now. It
was gross but there was no permanent damage, so let’s call that the
past. But for the future, I am concerned that if she remembers where
the key and comes in thinking that she’s in her own home and it’s
okay to do whatever she wants, there’s potential for bigger problems
down the line.

It’s like the old story of the frog not jumping out of the slowly warming
water. You friend’s mother’s decline may be accelerating and she may
be in denial about the level of daily care and supervision that is
needed. This is a simple wake-up call for you all. She should secure
your key and get her mother in for cognitive and behavioral
assessment. Better a little bathroom cleanup that a house fire or a
search party combing the neighborhood.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A long, long time ago (as in the 1990s) I played tennis with a neighbor. We were
not good friends when we started or when we stopped, but we had mutual friends
in common so as we played we became closer. The ability to be spontaneous,
travel together, and improve our game were good advantages. As our knees
began to give out we adjusted our game, but eventually, for not one big reason
but twenty small ones, we stopped trying to play together. Fast forward to now, or
actually a year ago. I joined a local table tennis club. I tend to play in the morning
with the other retirees and my game has improved a lot from playing four times a
week. I ran into my old tennis buddy at the store an went into my manic,
evangelical pitch about how great table tennis is for coordination, reflexes, brain
reflexes, etc. She decided to come and has now become a regular. My problem:
she’s too regular about wanting to play with me, and because she is not as good,
I am losing what was growing access to the better players, both singles and
doubles, because there is stratification of teaming, unspoken but consistent. I
want her to get better, but not at the cost of my own game. On the other hand, I
like having her there. How can I politely tell her I want to play the field?

Ping Pong

 
Dear Ping Pong:

Emphasize politely when you talk to her. Make a point of playing with her at least
part of most days you play. Tell her that you try to get there when the session
starts so you can warm up, and then get access to the better players before they
get busy with other better players. Tell her how pleased you are that she has
come to join. And how much better she will become if she plays with as many
different people as possible. Talk to her as someone who has come up through
the ranks, and who wants to keep ascending. Tell her The most important thing
you can do is to play with as many different people as possible. You’ll keep
learning much more than I could ever teach you.

See if you can cajole some of the folks you know best to commit to playing
singles with you so that you have a way off of the table with her. Ask the club
manager to help team her with other people “….so she gets to know more folks.”
Be kind and keep paying and playing it forward.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Last week I saw some nasty-looking graffiti near my mailbox. I
thought about covering it with black spray paint but ignored it. Denial
was not a good choice, it turns out. Today I woke up and someone had
maliciously unscrewed a bottle of “Not Tonight Deer” (a foul smelling
concoction that saves roses and other living things from becoming
deer food) all over my front porch. It’s hard to imagine a raccoon
committed enough to unscrew something I always keep tightly sealed.
I cleaned up but I am concerned. When I walked my block I saw one
to two other houses with similar genitalia type graffiti, but they are not
neighbors I know. This seems small to involve the police but I am a
single elderly female. Also I am on good terms with all my neighbors
and this is not a gang-oriented neighborhood, though there has been
more graffiti in the bus-stop etc areas.

Threatened?

 
Dear Threatened:

Whether this is directed personally at you or not, you should definitely
not count on denial to solve the problem. Talk to your neighbors and
see if any of them have had any problems. Walk your block to see
which, if any, other homes have been tagged. Usually an upswing in
graffiti means a shift in gang activity in your neighborhood. Sometimes
it is a passing thing; others it can mean they are settling in. Petty acts
of crime can be theft or vandalism, but in either case they are
considered criminal mischief and are always unsettling.

 
Call your local police and ask them to look at the graffiti. The specific
visuals may mean something more to them than to you. Ask them if it
is okay to cover it over with street-colored spray paint, so that the
“victim lives here” mark is removed. Ask what cues would have them
patrol the area more regularly. If you have neighbors with dogs that
might bark in the night, ask them to call for a patrol when they do. If
the acts continue, install motion sensor lights and perhaps a camera,
and an alarm system if you do not already have one. If all else fails,
get a dog. Folks with alarms and dogs are less likely to be hassled.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a neighbor with whom I am very close. We share pots of soup
and library books. We run errands for one another and housesit for
overnights (though for longer stints we hire help). She and her
husband recently adopted a foundling Lab who has an unfortunate and
insane hatred of cats. While they were traveling, the dog broke away
from the house sitter and killed a different neighbor’s cat. Everyone
was extremely distraught, including my friends, however they have
chosen to keep the dog. Recently I lost my own cat to a speeding car.
Fortunately my remaining one is elderly and stays inside or on my
porch. I realized that I&'ve become a little paranoid about having my
neighbor drop by when she has her dog with her, even if he is leashed
and on heavy-duty collar. In the past she would easily just pop in for
a cuppa coffee and a schmooze, or to drop off or pick up something.
What should I say and how?

Kitty Momma

 
Dear Kitty Momma:

Your “paranoia” is legit. Any dog who gets away with killing a cat is not
going to know IT’s NOT OKAY!! You obviously don&'t want to end your
friendship over this, but you do have the right to keep your pet safe.
Some cities have restrictions (from penning them up to killing them)
on animals that have killed or injured people. I don&'t know if that&'s
true for animals that have killed or injured other animals. You can
check the local ordinances, but unless you or the former kitty’s mother
moot.

 
I say invite the neighbor over for coffee and tell her you&'re very sorry
to have to have this conversation. Explain that she remains welcome
but the dog does not. You might say you’re sure accident that
happened with the house sitter would never happen with her or her
husband. But quickly add that you are traumatized by the loss of your
one cat and very protective of your other. Ask her to respect your
concerns and leave her dog at home when she comes to visit or pick
up/deliver. It may be more convenient for her to do everything while
she is walking the dog, but he’s not invited. Say if it’s a problem, that
you will do all the pick up and delivery. Then ask what training and
behavior modification the dog is receiving. It’s okay to let her know
this is serious to anyone who loves cats.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Long story short, I feel like my neighbor is exploiting me. She has two
cats, one of which almost died a few weeks ago. My guess is that he’ll
died of kidney failure within a few months but in the short run he’s
being kept alive on a variety of medications and saline injections every
other day. That’s where I come in. I’m a nurse (for humans, not for
cats) in my day job. I no longer do the hands-on nursing that involves
needles but of course I did so for years. My neighbor was given
instructions by her veterinarian about how to do it, but I agree with
her that the process requires at least three hands if the first two aren’t
well-trained and the cat isn’t very cooperative. She hold and I inject.
She’s been giving me food almost every time I come over. The deed
itself and the brief socializing don’t take more than five-ten minutes.
But I don’t have pets of my own for a reason, and when I discussed
this with a friend who works at a vet’s office she said they charge $15
each time for injections. Should I say something or just ride it out? PS
I have heard of cats lasting for years with these injections, but this
guy is almost 18.

Needled

 
Dear Needled:

It’s always nice to have someone cook for you. But being paid is nice
also. You don’t say how long this been going on. By me doing it for a
few weeks, even a month or so is neighborly. Doing it longer than that
feel very discretionary. But it’s also an act of kindness, to the neighbor
and to the cat. If it’s not a big deal, keep doing it. If you truly feel
exploited, you’re going to have to speak up. You can do it actively or
passively. Actively is more honest.

 
You don’t say what time of day you do this or how it impacts your
schedule. A passive way of interrupting the pattern is simply to alert
your neighbor that you will be less available, and then follow through.
A more active way is to have an actual conversation that says, This is
more than I thought I was saying yes to. I appreciate that you’ve been
thanking me with food, but your cat seems like he’s going to need this
for a long while. Do you think you can learn to give the shots under
my supervision, and then have a different neighbor hold the cat for
you, at least a couple times a week? Unless she’s deaf, dumb, and
blind, she’ll get the message, readjust her expectations, or offer to pay
you in money not food.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

The house next door has been a rental for the 30 years I have lived
here. Many of the tenants have been fine. Some have been horrid,
where horrid means noisy and messy, and with barking dogs. One had
a brother just out of prison who sold drugs and ran his car on the lawn
blaring nasty rap music. So I care a lot about who lives there. The
current owner has made good choices from my point of view but they
all went badly for her, and entailed a lot of expensive repairs. She is
getting older and even senile and I fear she may sell to a property
management company with whom I have no dialogue. Now a friend
might want to rent it after the current tenant moves out and the latest
set of repairs are done. In my ideal world the next tenant would be a
quiet graduate student or writer who is self-sufficient, as opposed to
someone with whom I will have to navigate my friendship. But the
worst so far outweighs that problem, so I am mostly looking or advice
on good fences and neighbors.

Boundary Girl

 
Dear Boundary Girl:

Any time one has to recalibrate a relationship, whether it is at the end
of a romantic dyad, when a friend gets into a new romance and you
lose access or don’t like his/her partner, when you divorce but want to
remain friends with your in-laws, etc it’s a good time to remember that
it’s okay to have a relationship conversation even if you are not trying
to forestall a breakup –- which is when most folks re-examine their
patterns of communicating and relating.

 
The time to do so is well before your friend moves in next door,
preferably before she decides. Go out for lunch and talk candidly about
the benefits, and dangers, of living so closely. If you normally see one
another weekly, or monthly, be clear if you want to keep that the
same or not. Do you want a friendly wave and hello, as you would with
a stranger, or do you want your friend to be able to show up any time
knocking on your door? Do you want her to have key/code access or
only when you invite her? If you want to use one another for pet or
house care during vacations or quick getaways, are those roles clear
and equitable. Will you have any concerns about being social with her
friends? That’s a quick laundry list. Every friendship will have its own
history and nuance. But without the talk, you could lose the friendship,
or watch it decay. Even with boundaries that seem clear, assume they
will change and erode. But better to plan for problems than trip over
them.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My neighbor and I do errands for one another all the time. As in, “I’m
going to Costco. Do you need anything?” Or “Can you take library
books back for me. I owe $5 in fines.” The kind of things that are easy
for each of us based on routing and most of the time involve small
sums of money, generally below $30. We generally keep a running
tab, or leave one another the receipt with the owed portion circled
when we leave the goods on our respective porches. It’s informal but
most of the time we get it right or it feels roughly even. But lately she
has been forgetting to pay me, and while $10 once doesn’t feel like a
lot, when it happens more often it does add up. We also share food, as
in “I made a pot of soup” or a casserole, chicken etc. I think she thinks
she’s a better cook, but we both say the right things so I can’t be too
much of a shlubb. How can we get on track?

Owed

 
Dear Owed:

My simplest advice would be to have everything be COD. One goes to
the market and gets paid upon delivery, which could be in person
instead of just dropping it off. It’s a little more time consuming
because of the How are you? social niceties. But it does reinforce the I
did you a favor part of the exchange, which should make up for any
cooking differential real, or perceived.

 
God invented paper and pencil for a reason. Or their 21 st century
equivalent: the text message. As in I just got back from Costco and
left me the things you asked for on your porch. You owe me $xx.yy.
To be answered by a return message confirming when payment is
made. Good neighbors are a great blessing. Sit down over a cuppa
coffee and talk it out, agree on a plan, and stick to it.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband’s father died three years ago and we bought some rural
property. Since then we built an outhouse, then a house, various
outbuildings, and fence-line improvements. As we were contemplating
a larger project we discovered, to our great horror, that all the extra
improvements we had done (other the house) were on the wrong side
of a property line. Our first response was terror at all the legal hassles
and costs, and at the seller for misrepresentation, anger at ourselves
for not having had it surveyed before buying, and an irrational desire
to just sell the place and start over again somewhere else. Do you
have any rational ideas for how to proceed? One note: because there
was a big “maybe some developer will buy up all this property for an
outlet mall” rumor a few years ago we think he neighbors on whose
side of the line we did our work may not sell. But their parcel is too
small to build a house upon on based on current zoning.

Between a Fence and a Hard Place

 
Dear Between:

The simplest, assuming you can afford it, would be to buy some or all
of the adjoining property. How you offer and get an answer without
revealing the potential for them to sue you is a tricky tightrope to
walk. My first instinct is a simple approach saying, We know your
property is too small to build on and we’d like to expand ours. Wanna
sell? If you get a yes you are just haggling over price. Your baseline
offer could include the legal costs you might otherwise incur.

 
If they decline or identify the boundary issue on their own, you should
look into relocating the improvements and returning the land to how it
was. Or even offering to give or sell the improvements to them. If they
are spiteful or litigious you might still incur legal costs or even fines.
But consultation with a land-use/real- estate lawyer should net you a
lot of useful information. One question you should definitely ask is
whether the people you bought the property from have any obligation
to have done the survey or verified the property line before they sold
it, or if in fact you screwed yourselves by insufficient research.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently got a great new neighbor. He’s a college kid who is strong
and needs money, so he has been helping me with various house and
yard chores (a bargain for $10 an hour!). It has been really great for
me. I have a humongous yard project that I’d planned to use him for
and he was prepping the terrain. The problem is my best friend. She
has a key to the house and until this week I would have said I trusted
her implicitly. But she showed up while he was working on a 100-
degree day wearing only shorts. She planted herself in a chaise with
some iced tea, ostensibly to wait for me. But when I came home I felt
like I was watching the first few minutes of a bad porn movie. She was
clearly ogling him behind her sunglasses and assessing his physical
charms and leering. I quickly hustled her into the house and
reprimanded her. She laughed and called me an old prude, but left
shortly thereafter. When I went outside the neighbor was gone. I
need him. Do I ignore it or apologize?

Neighbor Lady

 
Dear Neighbor Lady:

You find or call him ASAP to talk about the project schedule and ask him
when he’s willing to come discuss the next steps and implementation
of the project. Tell him you’ll pay for planning time just like heavy
lifting time. Then, once he’s settled in with a cool drink, apologize if
your friend’s actions the other were in any way inappropriate. Tell him
you value him for his helpful thinking as well as his muscles and you
wouldn’t want him to get gun-shy about helping you because of her
The reality is that most college guys are either blind or indifferent to
older women ogling them or might even be flattered. He might prove
the rare exception but I suspect you are more upset than he was or
would be if he knew. After the quick apology stick to talking about
work. And make sure your friend knows she’s not to repeat her
performance as Mrs. Robinson.

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I live in an area that has a history of weather related disasters. I have
an emergency kit and have taken classes about preparedness and post
impact scenarios. Because I do not travel much I am often the person
that neighbors turn to for home and pet care. I’ve realized I don’t want
to, nor am I able to, be the only responsible person if disaster strikes
while they’re gone. But I am uncomfortable just saying No when
asked.

Helpful Harriet

 
Dear Helpful:
It’s entirely legit for you to set standards about whom you will help
and how, and to make sure those understand both the limits of your
availability and also your responsibility. Just like the saying, good
fences make good neighbors, in this case, good communication makes
for good relationships.

 
Gather the information you have acquired in your classes into a very
simple packet. Include things that you think everyone should know
and have done like basic preparedness kit and simple first aid
instructions. Then make a While You’re Away checklist that includes
things they should do before they leave such as dealing with open gas
or water lines, having the paper delivery held, writing watering or pet
care instructions, setting window and door locks.

Finally, have a What Harriet Does (and Doesn’t) Do that’s explicit about
the limits of your care. The last line of this should be for their signature
and a date, and just above it should be a sentence or two that reads something
like:  Harriet’s doing me a favor and I am trusting her best judgment about
the care of my home and possessions. In case of disaster or serious
problems, she’s to do her best to contact me ASAP, but is not
responsible for loss or damage to my property. If anyone balks, blame
it on your lawyer or Jewish Fairy Godmother. But you shouldn’t get
into a hassle for helping.