Category Archives: Aging

Wanna Stay Me

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m 63. I have a wide array of friends ranging in age from early 40’s
through latter 70’s. In the ones closest to my own age, I am beginning
to see signs of mental decay worse than the younger ones and even
than some of the older ones. Not so much the occasional forgetfulness
about appointments or phone numbers that’s common to aging but
what seem like bigger chunks of their brains that are starting to be
less reliable. I don’t know whether to say something directly to them,
gently ask a family ember of they’ve observed anything similar, or do
nothing. I’m also wondering if it’s my own projected fears. Having
seem my own parents succumb to Alzheimer’s I am especially
sensitive to the issue. I always said I’d shoot myself before I put my
kids through what I had to experience, but that seems more like a
younger person’s hyperbole than a realistic life plan.
Wanna Stay Me

 
Dear Wanna Stay Me:
I suggest consulting folks who are experts on aging brains. I’m sure
there are local Alzeimers support groups as well as lots of information
online about early warning signals to pay attention to, as well as
things you can do to sharpen your own brain. As someone who’s
decided to learn Biblical Hebrew, I can attest to the value of stretching
your neural network with new information. Scientists who study
animals in new situations have observed what they call “dendritic
branching” in their brains, an image I translate as expansion of the
Tree of Life in our head.

 
As for your friends, to bring up the topic of memory loss over lunch or
tea. You can make it humorous, as in I found myself standing in the
middle of the kitchen and couldn’t remember why! Or I got two blocks
from my house and realized that without the errand list I’d left on the
kitchen table, I‘d just be wasting my time. Keep it light unless you
really sense someone has something to hide or a lot of shame about
the topic. Then get more serious and personal, though one-on- one. I                             would not engage relatives unless you have personally observed
something worrisome. You’ll just create a lot of anxiety and possibly
unneeded intervention. But if you think something is really wrong, yes
then speak up to a spouse of loving child, starting with Have you
noticed so-and- so “slipping” at all? Then listen and learn how to help.

Blindsided

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m in my fifties, but this problem started maybe a decade ago. I think
it is exacerbated by age, but also by the fact that I taught in adult
college students for ten years. Here’s my dilemma: At least twice a
week I encounter someone who says “Hi Carole. How are you?” It
happens in Costco, in restaurants, even in the bathroom at the
movies. I never know what to say, other than a painfully bland “Fine.
How about you?” Usually I have no idea who I am talking to. Also, I
get brain freeze from embarrassment and trying to quickly run the
index of former students, members of the temple, parents from my
children’s school teams, etc etc. Is there a polite was to say “I have no
idea who you are.”?????? Normally, I wouldn’t mind having a short
conversation about life. But since I have no idea who I’m talking to, I
tend to be self-protective about not wanting to say the wrong thing to
the wrong person. I’m tired of being so scared and guarded, and fear
the problem will only get worse with age.
Blindsided

 
Dear Blindsided:
Loss of facial memory recognition is a neurological disorder that can
afflict people of any age. But as most people over forty will tell you,
two of the clearest signs of aging are that your arms are too short to
hold newspapers (get thee to an optometrist!) and that you’ll have no
idea who is saying hello with increasing frequency. Many of us face the
same sense of awkward politeness. It’s often mixed with the naïve
optimism that our brains will kick in, or that the other person will drop
some useful clue that will inspire memory or insight. It rarely happens.
Worse, once the nanosecond of honest admission has passed, it is very
hard to recapture.

 
Here’s the good news: Most people, other than the most self-absorbed
or overly-sensitive, respond well to an honest statement like: I know I
know you and I know I like you, But I am getting old and cannot put a
name to your face. Try it a few times in front of the mirror to lose the                            guilty sense that you are lying outright to someone you should know.
Your sentence has the benefit of truth (you have no idea who you are
talking to) plus the social grease of acting as though it’s a positive
connection.

 

That said: keep your first, second, and tertiary security
systems on guard. Assume anything you say can and will be
misquoted. Stick to the weather and other non-controversial topics.
Keep these conversations short, exchange email addresses, and hope
you don’t actually have to follow through on anything. PS It’s for
occasions like this that a yahoo, gmail, or other non-personal address
comes in handy.

More than I want to know!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My father-in- law has lived with us since his wife died. His dementia
has gotten worse. He’s often nice to be around and my daughters are
very good at helping me with him. Even my husband, who normally
shrinks from anything emotionally challenging or that requires hands-
on help outside the garage, has been great. But in the last few weeks
(or maybe longer, it’s only been recently we have each broached the
subject with one another and all found it to be true), F-i- L has started
to say very inappropriate sexual bragging and history while we are
changing him. We don’t know if these are true or imaginary, but none
of us have any reaction other than Eeek, let me out of here!, especially
while we are helping him with his personal care.
More than I want to know!

 
Dear More than:
You need to meet as a family and to talk openly about him. You don’t
say how old your daughters are but that will matter. It will also matter
if what’s happening is “just” talking (regardless of whether it is
bragging or imagination) or whether there has been any form of
inappropriate touching. You and your husband will need to be very
very clear with your daughters about where the line is between what
they will be able to handle on their own and what’s a reason to leave
the room and ask for help. Compassion has limits.

 
It may be time for your F-i- L to reside elsewhere. That’s a big
sentence, and one that will seriously impact your family’s finances as
well as his quality of life. On the other hand, group homes exist with
qualified caring help exactly because there are limits to what family
can do, or should have to do. If he’ll respond to Shhhh, you are on the
stay at home side of the line, but only you can know when the time
will have come to relocate him. Start browsing now and talk to one
another candidly and with great caring. My guess is that you are not
alone, but that most people keep silent about this problem.

Had It!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I recently returned from a one-week cruise with a friend of a friend. I
didn’t know her well before the trip. I know her too well now. She’s a
former counselor, aged 72 who survived breast cancer a few years
ago. Apparently she’s also courting dementia, which our mutual friend
seems to have known, but didn’t warn me about when I told her I was
considering the cruise. We got a super deal and I had to decide fast.
I’m 62 but everyone thought I was travelling with my mother. She
couldn’t manage the 100’ from our stateroom to the dining room. Plus
she moves the speed of molasses and clung to me like glue, so I saw
about a third of what I might have on my own. I was irritated but lived
through it. We’re back and frankly I don’t want to have to see her
except in broad social settings. But yesterday she called and said she
wanted “to process” the trip. Do I have to?
Had It!

 
Dear Had It:
In addition to a lack of sightseeing, you’re also suffering from a lack of
compassion. I think your friend did you a bad turn by not giving you
the truth about what condition your travelling companion was in. But
you deserve some of the blame for what sounds like was an
opportunistic attempt to get a good travel deal without thinking about
consequences. Next time do your due diligence on your companion
much more carefully.

 
As for the processing, I think you have to hear her out. Do it in a
public place, over tea, not a longer meal. Whatever she has to say
about the experience, listen to her. Clearly she needs to explain to you
her side of whatever happened. When you say irritated, she may have
heard or felt rudeness. I suspect she knows she’s losing it and is
appropriately ashamed and sensitive, even if she’s in denial. Most
importantly for you is that it’s over, and you don’t need to spend more
time with her than tea. Hear her out, and say you’re sorry for anything                            you did wrong. If pushed, or if she asks to go on another trip, you can
say, We just don’t travel at the same speed. Smile and live through it.

Scared for Her

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I have a friend aged 72 whose husband of thirty years walked out on
her six months ago. He said “I lived through the breast cancer, but
now she’s starting to forget things. I just can’t do it.” Ignoring for the
moment what a royal s.h.i.t. he is for leaving, I need some help
figuring out how to help her. She’s terrified because her own mother
died with dementia, so she is completely resistant to talking about it.
I’ve spent the last few months really scrutinizing her behavior and the
ex is right. She’s starting to forget simple things, has reported driving
around without remembering where she’s going, and is paralyzed with
indecision about relatively small matters. I understand that she’s also
grieving the marriage, but she has only one daughter who lives far
away and doesn’t seem inclined to want to help, at least at this stage.
Scared for Her

 
Dear Scared:
First of all, you need to get your friend to do a complete medical
workup. I’m not an expert but I think this means both an MRI and a
neuropsych exam. You want to find out what’s going on with her
mechanics of her body, and then see how that’s impacting her
behavior. I’m sure she’s scared, and will resist, but there’s no choice
or substitute for information, which you might be able to sell her as
“baseline.’ If you’re accepting responsibility for helping her on a day-
to-day level, she owes you a commitment to the facts. Offer to go with
her, and to sit in the doctor’s office with her if she’ll let you. You also
need to deal with who has her medical power of attorney in case
there’s an accident or crisis. Communicate with the daughter once you
know what you’re dealing with.

 
The other thing you can do to help your friend (and yourself) is to
educate yourselves by learning and utilizing good daily coping
mechanisms. They can range from brain exercises like crossword
puzzles or quizzing one another on trivia, history, or any topic of
mutual interest. Insist that she write down on a piece of paper where’s
she’s going, the phone number of the destination, and your cell
number whenever she drives. If she takes meds, set up a schedule
and alarms. Talk to her doctor, and troll the internet for memory tips.
She’s very lucky to have you.

Sidelined

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m a short, overweight 60-year old. I’m also a very active woman. I hike, bike,
ski, garden, travel, and am generally the one whom others rely upon to take care
of them when disaster strikes. Last week I feel and broke my knee in seven
places. Think Humpty Dumpty of the leg. The first doctor I went to, the preferred
provider, told me it would be two surgeries over a three-month period, and that if
I was lucky I would get back “most of my uses” and if not I could lose 15% of the
muscle functionality in my leg. Needless to say I was distraught. I went to a
doctor, not on my plan, based on the strong recommendations of two friends.
Two months later I am off pain meds, out of my sickbed and into a wheelchair,
and seem to be on the road to recovery, one surgery and $20,000 later. It turns
out the first doctor was a general surgeon, the second a knee specialist.
Perseverance and not panicking made a big difference. Tell your readers.
Sidelined

 
Dear Sidelined:
There’s several key messages implicit in your letter. First of all, choose
the right doctor. Nothing medical is trivial, especially with the
possibility of complications or accidents while you’re in the hospital.
But for whatever ails you, do an instant and comprehensive search for
whomever in your locale is the person with the most experience. If
s/he’s not on your plan, find out what the extra is going to be, and
then bite the bullet. A lifetime of diminished function is far too great a
cost to pay. You’ll make up the money somewhere, and if not, you’ll do
it in quality of life.

 
Once you’re talking to the right doc, make it clear what you need from
him/her. Say, this is what I expect to have on the other side of this
accident. Instead of being treated like an old fireplug, you convince the
doctor of the functionality that is necessary for you to get your life
back. You should also educate yourself about the alternatives re meds,
so you don’t end up with unnecessary side effects. Ask as many
questions as you can, before and after surgery. And arrange to have
someone in your rooms at all times, to monitor what’s being done to
you. Having the in-house support system for the first few days can
make all the difference. When you’re drugged and punky, there’s be
someone cogent to listen and repeat things for you, or remind you to
ask again.