Category Archives: Aging

Worried

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother is 85. She’s in reasonable health and certainly as stubborn
as any of her children. We all live in town but I am the primary
caretaker. I go over each night to feed her and put her to bed. The
other sibs are less reliable and get simpler responsibilities. Here’s the
problem: she’s decided she doesn’t want to leave her home. Period.
For a while she had been taking classes at the local senior center. Now
we can’t even get her to go out for pizza and a movie. Her answer: “I
have Netflix.” I’m worried she is going to cocoon herself into a coffin
much too prematurely. She’s intelligent, funny, and reasonably
healthy. But she’s turning into an isolated misanthrope, if you don’t
count the neighbor caretaker who drops in during the day. Do you
have any winning arguments to keep her relating to people other than
her kids?

Worried

 
Dear Worried:

Many elders like to stay in environments that they know and feel safe
in. It’s not just fear of falling, though that’s a legitimate concern. It’s
knowing one’s routine, feeling secure, and not wanting to bother with
the potential for catching an illness from others or having to hear lots
of kvetching about health issues. What you are seeing as misanthropy
could be self-protection. But I agree it is too soon to become a 24/7
lifestyle.

 
Have a meeting with your mom one on one, and then together with
your sibs. Simply tell her: We need you to do this for us. Prior to that
talk to the neighbor, and to the senior center. Be sure you understand
what they offer in terms of classes and drop in events and what the
neighbor can handle re timing . It’s legit for your mother to prefer
sitting in her own living room to a room with other folks just sitting
around. But identify lectures, movies, or classes that she might enjoy
and offer to pay the neighbor to take her there and help get her
introduced to other people. Once she starts to make friends and look
forward to seeing them, she’ll be more interested in going out more
often. And if not, make sure to stock batteries for the remote.

Golden Years

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I convince my family (three generations of them), that I am
fit to keep living alone? I have a few minor ailments, but I am as
active as I was in my 60s. I am 84 now. I work out every day as well
as walking my dog twice a day. I eat healthy organic food that I cook
for myself, and have a social life that would put a thirty-year old to
shame. I regularly attend ballet, opera, and theatre. I volunteer for
reading programs for pre-schoolers, hold babies at the hospital
nursery, and help out at the animal shelter connecting strays with
their new forever parents. I have enough resources to be happy, pay
my own bills, clean my own house, and except for one hospital stay a
few years ago with a slipped disc, I have not had any medical issues
that should make people think I am doddering or incapacitated in any
way. At my recent birthday party my children and their adult children
gathered around like they were doing an intervention with a heroin
addict. All they could talk about was downsizing and moving to an
assisted living center “before it’s too late.” How can I convince them
it’s nowhere close to late? In fact, it’s way too early!

Golden Years

 
Dear Golden Years:

You’re describing a life than many younger people would envy. Your
children and grandchildren are projecting their own fears onto you. It’s
not that those fears aren’t legit. For many folks in your age range,
they might be appropriate and valid. But you are a happy exception,
and they should be able to see that and treat you that way.
If you were applying for long-term care insurance, you’d have to
specific when you could no longer independently perform any of the
six aspects of daily living: bathing, dressing, eating, continence,
toileting, and transfers. Those’re the criteria for getting help, which
could be help in your home, not necessarily moving to a facility. I
would engage the services of the local Jewish Federation social worker.

 

 

Ask for a meeting with her and plead your case. Then invite the family
over for a sit-down, and together agree on criteria for a future
reassessment. Let the social worker plead your case from a
professional perspective. But then agree to a series of actions you can
take as a precursor to future downsizing, like clearing and purging
your possessions. You should also begin to document all your finances
and bills, and put together instructions lest you have a medical
emergency and someone needs to step in.
I hope you live long and healthily and die decades from now in your
bed with a smile on your face, surrounded by your generations of
family.

Alone Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am lonely. My wife of forty years died two years ago and I realize
that my life has become increasingly isolated. My children live far away
and my grandchildren see me only on the holidays. My local friends
and bridge partners are not able to drive very far or at all, and I fear
that I am becoming housebound. I have enough money to support
myself, but I am getting sad about not having people to be with.

Alone Again

 
Dear Alone Again:

You are the perfect candidate for a group living environment. Too
many people think that this means a “nursing home” and warehousing
of seniors. Not true. In this day and age there are many vibrant senior
communities that provide a wide range of activities and possibilities for
connection. The ratio of men to women is in your favor, and while I’m
not trying to replace your departed wife, my guess is that there’s
many a widow who would happily cook you a Shabbat chicken.
Explore the facilities in your city. You will find places that
accommodate all levels of health and fitness, and some that provide
“step-down” units to facilitate a graceful transition if your health
declines. Look carefully at all the costs of these places, and work with
people whose judgment you trust (perhaps your lawyer or accountant)
to help you compare and evaluate them. Talk to your friends and see
when and where they are thinking about relocating. Perhaps your
foursome could find a place you all like. But even if you end up going
somewhere new, the professionals in the aging industry are very used
to helping people fit into their new environments and make new
connections. While you are making new friends you won’t be withering
on the vine at home. Don’t rush, but do act.

Chilled

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is an issue of vanity and visibility. I am in my mid-60’s, generally
fit, reasonably social, and active in a variety of communities from my
bridge club to my synagogue. I also see the same people regularly
where I shop and schmooze, where I work out, and in social settings
from my book club to a monthly movie group. Usually when I buy new
glasses I borrow a handful of options, field test them on my closest
friends, and go with a consensus choice. I do this not because I cannot
see well enough without the prescription but because I’ve been doing
it this way my whole life.

 

A month ago I was in the optical shop to
have readers repaired and a pair of new frames literally called to me
from the rack on the wall. They were cool, modern, and much larger
than my existing frames. Also, amazingly, they’re in style, which I
rarely am! Since I have worn them almost no one—in any of the
aforementioned places– has commented, except a few friends who
game me a thumbs down gesture, or said they preferred the old ones.
I find this rude and deflating, but it has tempered my joy. I’m
restraining my desire to send you two selfies to get your opinion. How
should I handle their feedback, or lack of it?

Chilled

 
Dear Chilled:

We’ve all been socialized to look to others for feedback on our looks,
whether it’s glasses to shoes. My rules of fashion are relatively simple:
you should feel happy in clean attire that fits your body size, and dress
appropriately to the context in which you are meeting people. No prom
dress at the gym is an easy answer. But your face is defined not only
by what you adorn it with, like earrings, scarves, and glasses, but by
your eyes, mouth, and personality. It may be that people are simply
not noticing your glasses because they don’t see them. They are
relating to YOU, not to your attire.

 
I would not ask people to comment. It puts them on the spot and will
make you doubt polite answers like “Um, yes, they’re fine.” As you
should. Let people get used to them and learn to like them. Or don’t
care. It’s your face. If you love your new glasses and are happy, don’t
let the grinches get you down.

Hands Full !!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a dead father, a sick mother, and a crazy sister. I promised my
father on his deathbed to take care of my mother, who drinks and
smokes too much and is now lying to her doctors after a severe
medical event that landed her in ICU. My sister lives two hours away.
She answers phone calls, emails, and texts randomly, sometimes up to
a month later. I left her multiple messages when Mom was admitted,
and kept her up to date on everything. I told her I’ve been staying
with Mom since her release, chauffeuring her to medical appointments,
cleaning her frig and shopping. Now my sister has decided I am
“controlling” and “interfering” and that I have no right telling the
doctors anything about my mothers behaviors because “she’s an adult
and she can say what she wants about what she puts in her body.” I
feel as though the docs need to know that she massively under-reports
usage, and when she says she’s “stopped,” she’s means since her
confinement. What do you say, about communication with all of them,
other than my dad, to whom I relate just fine?

Hands Full !!

 
Dear Hands Full:

Stressful times like this bring out the best and worst in everyone. In
families where communication is already strained, what bubbles to the
surface isn’t always pretty. Your biggest priority: continue to take good
care of your mother. You sound like a caring and well-intentioned
daughter she’s fortunate to have close by. Re the doctors, couch the
information the form of questions, such as: What are the risks and
consequences if my mother does smoke, drink, etc.? Do that within
her hearing so she can hear what the doc says, and then repeat the
answer as needed. You might ask if they could do blood tests to
determine residual levels of nicotine and alcohol, to see if they’re
impacting her health or interfering with her medications.

 

Attempt a rational conversation with your sister. Explain your
reasoning and efforts. Tell her you’re willing to leave her messages
–phone and email – about your mother’s status, but not to be raked
over the coals for helping. Say you’re not willing to discuss or
negotiate your choices around being a good daughter. She can talk
directly to your mother or to the doctor if she likes. If she tries to
berate or castigate you, tell her that’s outside the boundary of your
communications agreement. Be sure to stress that you’ll update her
asap if anything changes. Be friendly and ask about her life, but hold
the line where it matters to you. If she persists, say you’ll call if
anything changes and end the convo. Rinse and repeat as needed.

Need It Tender

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have problems as a guest. I’m a widower who enjoys eating a home-
cooked meal with friends. I enjoy the companionship as well as the
cooking – if I can eat the cooking. I don&'t ever eat poultry. My friends
and family know that, and are generally willing to plan the menu
around me. When they invite me to dinner, especially for the holidays,
they usually make brisket. This is good, even fine, when they know
how to cook it. But many make it so tough that I cannot chew it, even
with my dentures. So there’s the problem of not being able to swallow,
and not wanting to spit it out. What can I say to my eager hostesses,
because I think they really do want to invite me?

Need It Tender

 
Dear Need It Tender:

The best time to communicate is when you get the invitation. Talk to
each hostess as you are called. Assume, btw, that they may speak
with one another. But that’s okay because you’re going to be giving
the same message to each of them. In those convos, your goal is to
communicate appreciation for their hospitality and for their continued
sensitivity to your food needs.

 
Explain that, as you are aging you have, in addition to food
sensitivities like chicken, increasing problems with chewing. You can
say that even your dentist despairs about getting you comfortable. Say
how much you enjoy dining with them and hope this new information
won’t make them less interested in sharing food and companionship
with you. Say you have experimented with brisket recipes and have
found one that always turns out tender as a baby’s bottom (not that
you’d eat a baby!). (Note: I can send you a friend’s mother’s recipe if
you want, that I have to admit is more fall-apart delicious even than
my own mother’s.) Offer to share the recipe with them, and then say
gently, Please when I come, just give me a tiny taste of the meat. If I
cannot chew it, I don’t want to embarrass either of us. At worst, you’ll
have all the fun parts of being social, and a lot of vegetarian meals
made of a collection of side dishes and dessert.

Dreading The Talk

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

During all the commentary in the recent Trayvon Martin murder trial,
we heard a lot of references to “The Talk,” between parents and young
black men about how to safely relate to authority figures in moments
of crisis. I have a different Talk to ask about: My mother is 74 and still
living in the family home I grew up in. My father died three years ago
and her life seems to have stood still. She is still able to do her own
shopping, though my kids are a little nervous about being driven by
their Nana. Many of her friends have decided to move into various
forms of group living, ranging from apartments with group
entertainment and on-call services like shoppers to full-service
assisted living with “step-down” units they they’ll eventually move into
when they are in the late terminal stages of life. My wife and I have
gently raised the subject of relocation but she seems to go deaf, or
waves us off with an “I’m not OLD. yet!” I’m concerned that if she
waits too long there won’t be a place available where she might
actually want to live, and that the effort to make it happen will feel
greater and greater over time. How can we get her to have a rational
conversation about this?

Dreading The Talk

 
Dear Dreading:

First of all, there’s nothing rational about any of this, except the
inescapable fact that most people don’t die at home. But you’re asking
your mother to talk about the subject that turns even the most clinical
of minds into an irrational muddle. Very few people are ready to make
the transition that you’re asking her to consider. You could line up all
the facts, and try to wow her with all the benefits of living in
community with other folks her age. But nothing, repeat nothing, will
make her happy about it at this stage of the process.
If you’re lucky, you will conduct your wooing to get her on board with
the idea that change is inevitable, so she might as well get ahead of
and in charge of the process. My cousin the medical social worker tells
me 95% of families who defer The Talk end of making similar decisions
in times of acute crisis, and are in fact at the mercy of the market
when they do.

 
I recommend a progressive series of discussions. Encourage her to talk
to her own friends that have moved already. Ask her to elicit from
them candid opinions about what they love and hate about their new
homes. Have her focus on the touch-feely side of things. You can do
the research on cost, waiting list, etc on your own. Start a file with
information both factual and anecdotal. Once she realizes that life on
the other side is in fact life, not just sitting around tapping her feet
waiting for the grim reaper, she’ll begin to get more engaged. Ask her
to tell you what she likes best and least from what she’s hearing. Get
in the habit (you or your wife) of regular lunches out with her, and
then build in field trips to likely places for the tours and marketing
pitches. Too many will be a huge turn-off, so build the list carefully
based on what she seems to respond positively to in her friends’
experiences and what you know will match her lifestyle and finances.
There’s no way around The Talk. Just pray she stays healthy enough
to make a good decision.

Scared for Her

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My single friend turned fifty last December and started
acting like she’s got one year to live, though as far as I
know her health is fine. She cut her hair and wears it brassy
blonde and spiky. She walks around in clothes a teenager
with new breasts might be proud of. The very scary part:
She’s started visiting sex clubs for “fun and recreation.”
Having never been to one, I have to assume what she’s told
me is true. I’m not a prude; I understand consensual adults
can do as they please. But in the context of her other
changes I’m worried about her. She’s currently “dating”
three separate guys, one of whom is 15 years younger,
another married, and a third part of a swinging couple she
“play with.” Do I say something or keep my mouth shut?

Scared for Her

 
Dear Scared for Her:

This falls into the ask don’t tell category of advice. If you
just come out and say You’re acting like a sex-starved
teenaged and I am scared for you, she’ll feel judged and
likely ignore everything you say. Even a question, couched
as, What the hell is going on? will get the same response. So
tread lightly and with an abundance of caring, knowing that
if you don’t like her answers you’re likely to back away from
the friendship a little  or a lot.

 
Meet her in a place you’d feel comfortable talking about
personal matters. Say you’ve known her for __ years and
have noticed a sharp change in her behavior and looks since
her birthday. You can observe that from where you sit it
looks like a mid-life crisis but you don’t know what’s going
on for her. Start and end with I care but I’m concerned, not
about the change in her looks (which you should compliment
even if it is insincere) but in her dating behaviors. In
addition to issues of safety, you want to make sure she’s
given it all appropriate thought. Can she enlighten you?
Then listen and prepare to end with, That’s interesting. I’ll
try and look from your perspective. It sounds like there’s
very little she can say that’ll change your mind. But if you
back off at least she’ll understand why.

Going Nuts

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband mumbles. He’s generally a quiet guy and has always been
a little on the edge of the Aspersers spectrum socially. He doesn’t have
a lot of buddies or even casual friends and doesn’t relate well to male
group bonding activities like sports. But over time we have cultivated
people who seem to get him so I am not totally isolated and when he
is on he is funny and wittily observant. I’ve survived his years of
depression and now things have been good for a long while. But he’s
in his 60s, and I’ve noticed that he’s starting to mumble virtually all
the time. He doesn’t look at me when he talks, and his sentences trail
off into nothingness that when I am half a house away I cannot
discern. I spend a lot of time tracking him down yelling What What
What??!!?? Or asking him to repeat just the part of his sentence just
past what I heard last. Then he starts over from the beginning and
talks slower and lower as he gets towards the end. Same mumbles.
Short of hitting him with a frying pan, what can I do?

Going Nuts

 
Dear Going Nuts:

Start with a full physical including a hearing test. Some of what you’re
describing could be easily fixed if it turns out he’s going deaf and just
needs an assist that may impact outgoing as well as incoming words.
But the long-run psychological aspects suggest that he will also need
some behavioral retraining to cope with his interactions with you.
Having the support of a doctor may give them more oomph, and will
all at least allow you to preface your requests with, “like the doctor
said…”

 
Sit down with him and explain the gravity of the situation. If you’re
comfortable with the threat, say the interventions you’re proposing are
in lieu of a divorce. Then tell him that unless you are face to face with
him and agree in language to his face, you are not, will not, and have
not agreed to any idea he has proposed or suggestion he has made. A
question requires direct face-to- face interaction and he is not to
assume a Yes without you saying so directly to his face. Then add, If
there’s anything you want to tell me, please speak up or speak directly
to me, or assume I’m just going to ignore the mumbling like any other
background noise. If he’s motivated, he’ll speak up. If not, get some
earphones or earplugs and enjoy good music or peace and quiet as
you choose.

Intervention Time?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend of thirty years who has driven herself downhill with
persistent use of marijuana and drugs. She has a range of physical
ailments that sound like amorphous aches and pains. She self-
medicates to relieve them, though it never sounds like it works very
well. She took Social Security at 62. Because she was self-employed
much of her life and strove to pay the lowest possible taxes, her SS
monthly, which is her only income, is paltry, three digits. She lives in
an isolated area and saves gas money by staying home with her dogs
most of the time. Now she’s saying she is “done,” “has nothing to live
for,” “is ready to go,” and so on. I asked her if she was suicidal and
she said no. But I am not sure I believe her and am worried. So are
other friends, though most of us are also worn out by the long-run
litany of her complaints.

Intervention Time?

 
Dear Intervention Time:

Everyone should have the right to decide when they want to leave this
world. But it would be a sad waste if your friend were in a depression
over things that could be fixed and didn’t at least try to set them right
before she chose to leave. Before you assemble an intervention team
you need to be clear on what you are asking her to change, and what
you are offering as a support system. If nothing shifts she will almost
certainly die sooner rather than later. But people don’t tend to make
big changes when they are in a long-run depression, so set your sights
at an achievable level.

 
I’d counsel that the friends meet as a group to debrief and to get clear
on what they perceive. They should make a list of questions to ask and
also what they’re willing to do to help. These could include anything
from outright financial assistance for counseling if she will go off drugs
to making dates for a walk and a meal on a regular basis. The one who
knows her best, which sounds like you, should talk to her one on one.
She’d likely perceive a group effort as shaming. If she responds
positively you can say there are others who care about her who would
like to make her life better. But if she resists efforts to help her change
you will likely lose her as she continues to decline. I know that’s not
what you want to hear, but it’s reality, and alone in the holidays will
make it worse. Help her through the next few weeks and maybe
January will brighten her outlook.

Quality of Life Matters

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just saw in incredibly painful movie about a woman slowly dying of
strokes. It was a beautifully done French movie, and she had a loving
husband to take care of her. But by halfway through this very slow
drama she is lying around in wet diapers, moaning incoherently in
pain, trying to track a nursery rhyme. I know everyone says they don’t
want to live—die– like that, but it seems that most people do. Is there
anything I can do to escape a fate like this, which is my worst
nightmare? I think I could deal with pain better than the indignity of
losing my sense of self. But why should we have to balance out the
various bad ways to spend our last few years. BTW I am single and
lack the loving caretaker the dying woman in the movie had. That’s
part of why I am scared.

Quality of Life Matters

 
Dear Quality of Life Matters:

This is serious stuff. Everyone faces death and no one has found an
easy way to cope with it. At the risk of sounding grim, most people’s
last days, weeks, months, or even years before dying are less
pleasant, pain-free, and autonomous than their peak years. The
number of ways to become debilitated are many and though their
variations are unique to each person, they almost always involve more
medical treatments/people and less of a sense of dignity than any of
us would wish for ourselves or loved ones. Having a loving spouse or
child and a healthy bank account can make the process better, but
very few people are spared by drifting off painlessly one night in their
sleep.

 
You can investigate the idea of death with dignity. Some states allow
assisted suicide in cases of terminal diagnoses. Many other people
have taken steps to ensure their own demise. Here’s the catch-22:
when you are healthy you are unlikely to take those steps. A sound
mind in a sound body wants to live. So it turns out does an unsound
mind in an unsound body. And once you’ve shifted into the latter
state, you have less access to means and opportunity, even if your
motives remain the same. This is a very difficult subject for
individuals and families. If you start conversations with family you’ll
find out very quickly who thinks death with dignity is a viable option
and who is horrified that you’re even interested in learning about it.
That alone will be instructive.

See It Coming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My father’s on his third wife. My mother died twenty years ago.
Number two was a brief mistake who didn’t make him happy and died
of cancer two years after they married. Number Three is a hardnosed,
possessive, mean and very controlling B-word. It’s not just that we
don’t like one another. More she has separated my father from me and
my children. He spends all the holidays with her children and
grandchildren. Getting them to be with us is like pulling teeth That’s
the last fifteen years of my life.

 

Now at 91 he has a very intense debilitating disease. They are either in denial
or ignorant of how bad this will be. But I’m in health care and know he isn’t
coming back from this one . He’s about to go from hospital to long-term care.
Evil Wife has been scouting places for him to “recuperate” that are not just
on the other side of the metro area but another half hour into the burbs.
So far it would be three plus hours travel time per visit. I lost it. I told
him that this is much more serious than he or she are willing to
understand and that if he wants a relationship with his daughter and
natural grandchildren before he dies, he has to move to a place that’s
closer to me and not let the B keep running his life. Now they’re both
angry at me.

See It Coming

 
Dear See It Coming:

Your years of anger and frustration clearly boiled over at the worst
possible moment. No one wants to be told they’re going to die, that
they’re not going to make it back to their home, or that his wife of
decades is a B. She may not like you but they clearly have a strong
relationship, and you have to accept that he’s increasingly dependent
on her even if you don’t like it. But she should accept that you have a
right to be in his life.

 
If this were a just world you’d have another relative who’d meditate
and help your father/his wife accept a placement closer to you. You
should certainly plead your case again in less ominous and threatening
sounding ways. But if you lose this argument, the only thing you can
do is to organize your life around at least a weekly visit. If these are
your last years, or even months, with your father, make them as
pleasant as you can. Tell him what a good dad he has been and how
much you love him. You can be as honest as you want with the
grieving widow later, though some compassion would be appropriate.

Frustrated

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I convince my 55-year- old husband it’s time for a hearing
aide? He has damage from his time in the service, exacerbated by
years of machine work. He misses all of what I say at normal volume,
and half at semi-shout. When I yell loud enough for him to hear he
screams back “Why are you yelling at me?!” It’s become a problem for
us socially, especially at the bridge table or dinner parties. If a hearing
test said he was within normal levels I would be shocked, but would
drop the idea. But how can I get him to agree to be tested? I don’t
want to be isolated with him. He’s also cranky because half the time
he doesn’t know what’s happening.

Frustrated

 
Dear Frustrated:

It’s sadly normal in many relationships for one partner to tune out a
little at the sound of his/her significant other’s voice. That frequently
happens over time and is cause for concern about communication and
respect in the relationship. But your description goes past these
parameters. He needs to face reality, and likely won’t be happy about
doing so.

 
It would help if there were a best friend that had credibility. If not,
you’re going to have to tackle this yourself. Either way, any
intervention will likely make him feel a little cornered and defensive.
Don’t discount, btw, the added hurdle of his fears of aging. That will
add to the difficulty of what you’re asking. But you need tell him his
diminished hearing has begun to cause problems in the relationship
and for the two of you socially. Say you’d like him to consult his
medical doctor and ask to have a hearing test ordered. Tell him what
you told me: if he passes with flying colors you will drop the request of
a device. If not, you’ll help him find the most unobtrusive and effective
one he can find. Be sure to say all the I love you’s at the beginning
and end of the discussion. But make sure he sets a date for the test
and go along with him for it. Maybe offer to get tested too.

Caring Daughter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How best to communicate with three siblings when I am the primary
caregiver/contact for my Mom who lives in a memory-care residence
near my home? Their negative comments and obstructionist behavior
are causing me great stress, as well as confusion at the care center, so
I would prefer to have as little contact with them as possible, though I
understand she’s their mother too and they have concerns and the
right to communicate with her. When Mom’s doing well, I never
receive thanks or get positive feedback from siblings, who call rarely
are visit almost never. Recently, she had negative reaction to a new
medication for the first time; they were accusatory, incessant with
their questions and did not use this situation to communicate love for
her or to display any sense of shared responsibility. Though I was out
of town during most of this episode, I was in constant touch with
Mom’s residence and professional staff. They responded appropriately
by modifying or removing meds and she improved considerably.

 

Before moving near me, Mom and Dad lived near a different sibling,
but it soon became clear they needed more care than this residence
could provide. This sibling only communicated with us about parents
when there was crisis though she would make demands of us, both
financial and timewise. She failed to provide Mom with aides trained in
dementia care though two siblings recommended an appropriate
agency. Both parents had multiple hospitalizations. After Dad passed
we all agreed Mom would do better in a residence near me, but since
the move, they object to virtually everything and refuse to follow the
residence’s rules on having only one contact per family. Their emails to
me are only to demand information and suggest unrealistic solutions
they do not want to subsidize. Help! I would like to focus on Mom and
preserve my own health, rather than try to manage dysfunctional,
bitter siblings who seem to be counting the minutes till they’ll inherit.

Caring Daughter

 
Dear Caring Daughter:

Virtually every family with aging parents, especially those with significant
cognitive impairments or severe health conditions, faces very similar problems.
The levels of inequity are great among siblings when one is given (and accepts)
the outsized burden of being the primary parental caretaker, even if the parent is
living in a facility other than the child’s home. It’s even worse when one of the
sibs is not only the custodial parent in proximity but by having the parent in
his/her home. Generally speaking, the sib who is doing the heavy lifting should
be supported not chastised or hounded. The assisted living center is wise to
have a one-contact- per-family policy. Hopefully that contact person has the
medical power of attorney and, if at all possible, is local.

 
Whether it happens in person or by conference call/skype, you sibs need to have
a regular pow-wow to agree on priorities, finances (who pays for what related to
your mother, not inheritance), and standards of care and responsibility. That
includes regular care and crisis prep. I would initiate it with an email to all of the
them suggesting it, that would go something like this: Dear Sibs: You know we’ve
had ongoing issues taking care of our folks, first when they lived near SibA and
now that Mom is near me. I’d like to have a conference where we go over all the
regular issues such as medications, schedule of doctors/PT/etc. who care for her
and related issues like her schedule of visits to providers (summary of all that
attached), and our visits and calls to her. It’s pretty much a half-time job
managing everything, and while I appreciate that you love her and get
concerned, having to manage you and your expectations and interventions
doubles the work. Let me be really clear about this: If one of you wants to step up
and be the primary caretaker, at the level of support I have been providing or
better, say so now! If not, let&'s agree on who does what when and how, and then
leave me to do it without confusing her living center about our priorities. I’ve been
warned that the staff is overwhelmed; we don’t want her to need to move
because we don&'t follow protocol. I’m happy to continue in this role as first-up, but
not if you make it impossible to do. Please, please, please be respectful and
helpful. You could also call or visit more. She might not remember each time, but
it puts her in a much better mood for at least a little while.

 

If you have this kind of convo regularly, you can keep them from making you crazy. If it doesn&'t shut them up, tell SibC s/he is next up for caretaking. Either it gets you out of the line of fire or makes SibC an ally you can assign as a secondary communicator to the
sibs.

Hobbled

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Here was my yesterday: I got a cast on my leg for an Achilles tendon
injury. I hurt myself by exercising too hard to lose the weight my
doctor said I need to lose in order to cure my diabetes, or at least
keep off insulin. After I got the cast I went to the shoe repair guy to
retrofit a sandal to balance out my legs. The result, for which I am
grateful, made me remember my deceased father, who lived his last
decade with one hip. I went to the medical supply house for cast
accessories so I can shower. I picked up my monthly prescriptions. I
went to the health food store for a tincture to support healing. By the
time I got home I was ready for a good stiff drink and not at all in the
mood for my baked skinless chicken and salad dinner. I’m in my early
60’s. Is this what old age is going to be like? If so, where’s the Kool-
Aid?
Hobbled

 
Dear Hobbled:
You may be hobbled but yesterday you did lots of running around
doing things to support your healing. Mobility, whether it’s driving to
the health food store or hoisting your sheathed leg into the shower, is
an incredible gift. If the day you describe is truly enough for you to
seriously contemplate checking out, you’ve lived a pampered life for
60+ years! Yes getting older involves aches and pains and the reaping
the consequences of the excesses of your past. Yes it includes lots of
medical hassles and probably some of them are much worse than your
yesterday.

 
Recently I attended a party where the icebreaker question was: If your now self
could tell your younger self any one thing, what would it be? One great answer
was: Take better care of your body! Age 62 isn’t old, or doesn’t have to feel old.
You have decades left and they can be healthier than whatever landed you in
your current state. Work with your doctor to develop a healthy food and exercise
program and stay on it. Think slow and steady. Yes you’ll eat lots of salads, and
you may walk on flats not hills, but if you do take good care of yourself you’ll be a vibrant 82-year old and bless the day you got your wake-up call form your
Achilles tendon and the cast.