Category Archives: Illness

Furious

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m married to a guy who’s ten years older, but he’s always been
extremely fit and active. He made a living as the head of facility
operations for a multi-site addiction recovery non-profit. Translation:
he was the internal handyman responsible for crawling into, under, or
on top of many buildings that were like apartment houses. He also
helped rehab our older home. He ended up with a bad back and bad
hips, both of which needed to be replaced, with back surgery pending
if the pain didn’t go away after the two hip surgeries. Surgery #1 went
fine and he recovered well, though was in increasing pain before
yesterday’s Surgery #2. An hour before the surgery, while they were
shaving and prepping him, the surgeon asked me in to consent to a
change in procedure: still a hip replacement, but a method that he’d
learned over the weekend at a conference, that is used by the other
top-flight ortho clinic in town. He admitted that my hubby would be his
first, but said that all the nurses were very skilled, as they assisted the
other docs regularly. Surgery #1 took one and a half hours. Three
hours into Surgery #2 I started asking questions. It wasn’t until hour
five! that I got any answers and they weren’t good. The surgeon had
broken my husband’s femur and had to send out for a different
replacement hip. Apparently this happens once in one hundred
surgeries. B U T…I think the odds are higher than that when it is the
surgeon’s first try. And I don’t think we were given nearly enough time
to make an informed decision. I feel angry and railroaded and now we
are facing much longer recuperation, lots more pain, and possibly a
much less robust recovery. What should I do or say, or not do and not
say?

Furious

 
Dear Furious:

I’m neither a doctor nor an attorney. And if you offered me 99 out of
100 odds I’d probably take them. But if you told me I was going to be
the first guinea pig for my surgeon to practice a new procedure I
would almost certainly refuse the honor. To me what’s key is the lack
of time for you to make an informed decision. When you buy a car or
refi a house you usually get three days to change your mind. A
decision that involves carving up body parts should certainly get more
than an hour’s notice.

 
What to do: Make it clear to the doc and the hospital that you are not
satisfied with the surgical outcome. Say that your immediate concern
is your husband’s health and comfort during recovery. But also stress
that you are nowhere close to done asking questions. First among
people to talk should be to the hospital administrator or director of
peer review. Ask what standard procedures are for informed consent
and also to review bad surgical outcomes. Insist the answers come in
writing. Take the answers to a malpractice attorney for a consult. Let
that conversation guide your next steps.

In Recovery

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m the single woman in her sixties who wrote you about preparing for
knee replacement surgery. I live alone, assuming you don’t count my
cat, who has been reluctant to do a lot of the heavy lifting during my
recuperation. My wide circle of loving friends has stepped up to help
me walk the slow road to recovery. I know every case is its own
unique world, but your advice was helpful to me, so I wanted to give
some tips to other readers, based on my experience.

 
Things that make recovery easier: Buy or borrow a good electrically
powered recliner. (Emphasis on electric to save stress on your back,
and twisting or leaning over hard to operate it.) In addition to a place
to sit, the recliner will become your haven especially in the wee hours
when you cannot sleep comfortably on your back in bed. Sleep
opportunistically every chance you get. Don’t be afraid to unplug the
phone and take naps, from catnaps to deep, long ones. If insurance
and/or Medicare will not cover it, invest in one of the continuous flow,
cold water pumps that when filled with ice and water will bathe your
aching knee in a velcroed wrap of soothing comfort. Ask your friends
to text or email rather than phone. Post or email group updates of
your condition. Be realistic and optimistic, but don’t candy coat the
tough stuff. Allow your friends to set up a food supply. Your appetite
will be diminished and your taste buds may be altered. A few servings
of homemade soup every other day, and simple foods like applesauce
and muffins will feel like gourmet fare. Stockpile chicken broth in your
freezer. Encourage visitors to bring a book and sit with you or in
another room, rather than draining your energy with chatter. Wear PJs
or a nightie when you are home to remind yourself you are a patient.
Know that everything will take twice as long as you expect it to, and
will tire you out more than you think it should. Set up all your physical
therapy appointments well before surgery and have a friend coordinate
transport for you. Don’t be shy about acknowledging your limitations.
Say Please and Thank you often, with true sincerity. This is a humbling
and humanizing experience. Be kind to everyone who helps you, and
do the same for others when you recover. We’re all going to need
more of this kind of community support.

In Recovery

 
Dear In Recovery:

Thank you for the helpful specifics! I hope you are out walking soon
and dancing not long after that.

Hobbled

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am about to have my third rotator cuff surgery. The surgeon botched
the first try, a matter of a vivid dispute between my insurance
company and his malpractice lawyers. But I’m the one who had to
endure a second operation. It helped, but not enough, so now I am
undergoing a second corrective procedure. My problem is that some of
my friends, though they try to sound well-meaning about it, are
undercutting my mood, my self-confidence, and my general sense of
independence by making all sorts of remarks, like: “I hope you try
harder with the physical therapy this time.” “Gee this is taking so
much longer than my friend so-and- so.” “Are you sure you are really
pushing your limits with pain?” It makes me feel ashamed, vulnerable,
like I cannot ask them for help, like I want to just stay home and hide,
and generally emotionally and physically fragile. Needless to say the
docs are cautious around me, because the word gets around that you
are “the kind of patient who will get you sued!” How can I let people
know that I too long for the days when I can drive myself to the
market, get back into the yoga studio, and walk my own dog. At age
55 it is a scary foreshadowing of what old age could be. And there is
nothing about it that I like!

Hobbled

 
Dear Hobbled:

As the old saying goes, No way out but through. So you need to push
on, yes through the pain, but also through the emotional difficulties of
not being understood by either doctors or friends. Statistics will tell
docs what’s likely to happen. They’re based on the aggregate of
human experience. But you have only your own rotator cuff to work
with, and if it&'s not cooperating with the surgeon’s expectations, he’ll
have to adjust and cooperate with yours. That does for your friends as
well.

 
Shaming is a lousy teaching technique, for age 5, or 55, or 95. We all
deserve to be recognized for our efforts. And especially in times of
great stress and pressure, we should be supported not chastised. I’d
consider sending a group email to your friends (or writing it once and
sending it individually to people). In it you can explain how grueling
and stressful this whole process has been for you, how terrifying it is
to imagine not having full use of an arm for the rest of your life, and
how extensive, expensive, and exhausting it is to be coping with a
medical issue you had been hoping would be long resolved. Without
naming names, you can say that people who have tried to “encourage”
you with negative feedback have had the opposite impact, and that
what you most need is support and encouragement. Let folks know
that you are appreciative both for their physical help and their moral
support. And tell them that on the other side they’ll all be invited to a
fabulous party to celebrate healing and recovery. But in the meantime,
if they can’t get onboard with what you need, they should feel free to
demur when you ask for help. You’ll soon learn who your true friends
are.

 
PS You should consider doing counseling to deal with medical trauma.
Just having a place to scream and weep without judgment may be
exactly the safety zone you need.

Concerned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m trying to figure out how to help a friend who is in chronic pain. She
did a rehabilitative surgery and hasn’t bounced back like we all
thought she would. Previously she was outgoing, funny, always ready
to make plans, and generally seemed far younger than her age. Now
she shuffles along like a woman twenty years older, seems timid and
afraid of her own shadow, and has become, if not a shut-in, at least
very different from the lively and charming person I’ve known for
decades. I’ve watched her bounce between physical therapy,
acupuncture, hypnosis, new age therapies I can’t pronounce and don’t
believe in, and far too many pain meds. It’s not just missing my
friend. I’m worried about her life moving forward. How can I help her
realize that she’s spiraling down fast and hard?

Concerned

 
Dear Concerned:

I doubt your description would tell her anything that she doesn’t
already know and is probably far more concerned about that you could
possibly imagine. The phrase “old before her time” is terrifying if one is
the “her” in question. Anyone who’s survived a major surgery knows
how fragile and vulnerable they feel afterward, and in reality are. The
true definition of health should include not merely recovery from the
original malady but should acknowledge that until one lives without
second-guessing every action, and without fearing any and all possible
negative consequences, one is not truly free of the dis-ease process.

 

Things you can do for her: Be patient and kind. Be positive not
negative or impatient. Ask her what she needs to be comfortable and
to feel safe. Listen to her answers and take them seriously; do not
discount them because you want her to be more well than she is. Help
her not isolate. Invite her for short excursions, whether it’s offering a
trip to Costco to stock up on paper goods, or to go out for a cuppa tea
or a movie. Ask her if she wants to talk about her healing and
vulnerability, either with you or a professional counselor. Encourage
getting off pain meds that can become a source of addiction. They can
be soul-numbing and personality-altering. Stay patient and kind and
keep reassuring her that time will improve almost everything, and that
she’s close to rounding the corner on the worst of it.

Quicksand

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve had a pretty tough year. I had health challenges that left me
debilitated, lost a beloved parent and a beloved dog, and had the
company where I’ve worked for twenty years skate perilously close to
the edge of bankruptcy. I’m feeling fragile and shaken and not very
secure in any sector of my life How can I use what’s left of the High
Holidays to set a firmer footing to go forward?

Quicksand

 
Dear Quicksand:

Much of the discussion about Yom Kippur is about interpersonal
relations: asking for and offering forgiveness for slights real and
imagined. It’s a chance to clear the air and enter the New Year with an
emotional sense of solidity. It won’t cure your work or health
problems, but it should make you feel as though your friendships are
intact. So do that and know you have friends.

 
Another way to think about atonement is internal. Think back a year
and see what gives you a pang, a sense of regret, even a caught
breath, a feeling that if you had a chance you would take what golfers
call a “mulligan” and kids call a “do-over.” Yom Kippur is a chance to
forgive yourself and move on. You might wish you’d done things
differently. Next year you should take every chance to do exactly that
in similar situations. But for now, clear your soul.

 
Go back and clean up whatever messes accrued in your wake. That
may mean conversations with bosses or co-workers, children or
partner. Then change how you talk to yourself about whatever
happened. And also how you talk to other people, from your doctor to
your next beloved pet. Nothing lasts forever, even grief and sadness.
A lot has to do with your attitude. Resolve to write a new, better, and
different story for the next year.

Gimpy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m having knee replacement surgery next month and I’m trying to get
all my ducks in a row. I am single, though in a new dating situation.
My new honey has offered to do a lot of helping, including bathing and
dressing in the first week, the time everyone assures me that I need
to prepare for help in the home 24/7. Some of my friends (and I note
these are the same ones who are least available to help schlepp me to
PT) are suggesting I go into a rehab place for the first week, BUT I
DON’T WANT TO!!! What should I do? Oh yeah, I’m also told I won’t be
able to drive for four-six weeks but I do have friends and neighbors.

Gimpy

 
Dear Gimpy:

First of all, talk to your doc. See what the general prognosis is for
people in your demographic regarding how long it takes to heal and
hoe long you should expect to need 24/7 care. Simply not wanting to
go to rehab is not quite enough of a reason. If it is medically
necessary, bite your tongue and go.

 
If it is an option, see what the alternative looks like. Set up a
spreadsheet for the maximum duration of your dependency. Set up
the grid day by day, and with sectors for morning, afternoon, and
evening, with specific slots for shlepping to and from physical therapy.
Talk to your new honey realistically. Not much kills romance faster
than changing dressings on wounds and hours of kvetching and pain.
Then start filling in the grid. Ask your self the tough questions, like
Who’s going to sleep here every night? With me or where? Who’s
going to do the cooking, cleaning, housework, and shopping? Who
among my friends is retired and available during day times to drive me
to appointments? How often can I bother them? Ask also at your local
Jewish Federation or the synagogue to see if there are care
committees or volunteers. You may have to pay someone to be with
you, or perhaps to have a neighbor on call after the first week or two.

 

 

So if money isn’t an issue and you can rent help, think about whose
life is amenable to interruption that you would trust.
This is one of those times when a non-working spouse would be grand.
But in the absence of one, see how close you can get before you make
any firm decisions. If everyone does pitch in, throw a thank you party
for them later, when you are up and about. And then help repay the
favor when you are asked to help others.

Reasonable or Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the obligation of friends to help one another when there’s a
major medical event like cancer or surgery? I’m part of a social circle
that has helped its members as we have experienced health
vicissitudes. The person who needs help appoints a coach/coordinator
who either communicates through email or a website where friends
can sign up to bring meals, be a companion, help with household
chores, etc. Here’s the problem: the friend who needs help is refusing
to go into rehab for the two weeks when she will need almost 24/7
care (after a knee replacement). The irony is that Medicare would
probably pay but she refuses to leave her cat alone. She’s single and
has no relatives to come stay with her. Can we pressure into doing
what is appropriate and necessary by refusing to help until after the
first two weeks? Or are we being churlish?

Reasonable or Not?

 
Dear Reasonable/Not:

There are two separate issues going on. One is medical necessity, and
the doctors will probably make the “how helpful, when?” question
moot because the medical system will almost certainly insist that she
be in 24/7 care for some period of time, likely two weeks, after
surgery. She, of course, has the option to rent that care from in-home
providers, but most people who undergo serious surgery lose a little of
their stubbornness after they are operated on, are in pain, and require
help performing the simplest of tasks, for much longer than they can
anticipate or any of us would choose.

 
Become or communicate closely with the coach as well as the social
circle. Get an accurate sense of who’s willing to step us how often and
for how long. Then map that against the 24/7 needed care. Make it
clear that the friend circle cannot substitute for the rehab center where
she will need to go, at least for a little while. Tell her everyone wishes
her well and is happy to help out once she’s back in the house, but if
she wants 24/7 care up front, it is the Medicare/rehab route or paying
out of pocket, assuming she can convince the medical folks it is viable.
She won’t be happy. But she still needs you.

Lucky Lady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband loves fixing things. Whether its putting a grab bar in the
shower or cleaning the gutters he is always puttering around fixing
things. He is also a little cheap, so hates it when I suggest hiring
anyone to do anything for the house, even mowing the lawn. The
garden is my domain and I get to decide if I need help. But if it
requires any tool beyond clippers and a hose, he gets to weigh in. H
just had a very minor heart attack. I know this is a great wake up call
for us both about what we eat and how we exercise. But it also made
me realize how completely dependant I have become upon him for
even the smallest thing. If the lights went out, I don’t think I’ve even
had to find the fuse box in this house. How can I get him to educate
me without making him feel any weaker and less of man than he is
feeling now?

Lucky Lady

 
Dear Lucky Lady:

Rather than making him feel useless, I hope my idea empowers him.
He’s going to have to spend some of his time recuperating by sitting
more and doing less. What could be more useful than having him
convert some of the knowledge in his head into a House Handbook for
you? You can frame it as a gift, as a knowledge transfer, or as a to do
list for him when he is more active. But have him go room by room
through the house, either mentally and writing it in a file on the
computer, or by walking around talking to you while you take notes
(that he can later review and edit). In each room, and outside, have
him identify regular chores: e.g., clean sink trap, change filter, replace
ant traps, order supplies, check levels, etc. Tell him that for anything
he identifies that needs to be done to also specify how often and any
tips and tricks that make the task more likely to be successful. Those
can be anything from time of day to time of year. Imagine you were
writing the same regarding, say, care of a rose bush. Get him to share
his knowledge with that level of specificity.

 
Take what he does and convert it into a three ring binder, with each
room on its own page. Then take the same info and cross reference it
with a calendar, so that next January 1 you would be able to fully
complete an annual care cycle for your domain. Set some times to
review this with your husband regularly. Do this in each room at least
once, not just sitting in the kitchen nodding as he speaks. At least
once a year, update the binder. Keep a list of folks to call (e.g.
plumber, electrician) and numbers you might need in a crisis (e.g city
public works, your insurance agent). Also add in copies of warrantees,
service contracts, and dates that you purchased everything from your
frig to your hot water heater. Think like a Boy Scout and Be Prepared.

Buddy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend who had major surgery three months ago.
Once she was allowed to get back on her feet her doctor told
her to exercise daily, starting with walking. Told means
instructed, encouraged, advised, and threatened that if she
did not, she might not realize the benefits of the procedure.
She has settled in to a habit of walking a half a mile every
day. I may be biased about how much is enough, because I
am trying to walk 10,000 steps each day (about five miles)
and happy if I do half. How can I be supportive of her and at
the same time get her moving for more than fifteen minutes
at a slow pace? She asks regularly for my praise.

Buddy

 
Dear Buddy:

Leave the threats to her doctor. Most people respond better
to encouragement than to chastisement. Tell her how proud
you are of her for starting a regular exercise program. Ask
her if her doctor set any specific goals for her, either in
terms of how long she should walk in both distance and
time. Id she claims ignorance, encourage her to contact him
via phone to ask for goals given how long she has been
post-surgical. The idea of goals is not just, What do I do
today? but also What should I be able to do in two months?
Tell her the semi-true story of a former co-worker (I had
one and I will happily lend her to you for this purpose), who,
upon learning that you were using walking for exercise,
handed you a pile of books and insisted that you read them.

 

The single most important lesson you remember is this:
Each day do a little more. Walk one minute further or past
two more houses. Every day stretch it a little. If you can get
her do that, and perhaps walk with her on a regular basis,
she’ll meet her doctor’s goals and her own.

Healthy and Want To Stay That Way

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s contagion etiquette during flu season? I’m talking about people
who show up at parties, bridge games, or sporting events dripping and
sniffling, and then get offended when others who are healthier ask
them to wear a mask, wash their hands, or go home. To be very clear,
I am not a wing nut fanatic about Ebola, though I think we (as in we
The West) should be doing much much more to combat its spread in
Africa. I am talking about simpler diseases like the common cold, or
the flu, which can be the cause of a lost sick week and much more
harmful to those with chronic conditions and the elderly. I know people
can be contagious without being asymptomatic, but am I being too
cautious when I hear people say “I’m not contagious” and don’t want
to believe them. Who should go home, them or me?

Healthy and Want To Stay That Way

 
Dear Healthy:

Short of walking around in a HAZMAT suit, you have no guarantee that
you won’t be infected in the grocery line, at the hairdresser, at work,
or in synagogue. Years I have been a High Holiday greeter I have
almost invariably gotten sick. But those are contact realities that we’re
all exposed to with the frequency that a life of engagement with others
imposes. You could choose to live in at home in a bubble but you’d be
a pretty miserable recluse and likely tire of it quickly.

 
Get used to speaking up when you invite people to your house and
when you accept invitations to other people’s realities. Talk to the
organizers of every place from your health club to your Human
Resources Department. Ask what their sick policy is in terms of
informing people before they show up or asking them to leave if they
are clearly symptomatic. Ebola or not, everyone is more aware of
contagion in fall/winter than in summer. People with children,
traditional germ carriers, may accept a level of contact illness that
comes from undeveloped immune systems sharing every “it” that goes
around. But adults who know better have an obligation to set the bar
higher. If you are willing accept the ire of those who will insist they
know their own bodies better than your caution suggests they do, go
ahead and sing your “Put on a mask!” song loudly. Otherwise stay
home and stay well. PS get your flu shot!

Intervention?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother

I have a friend close to the breaking point with stress. I and other
close friends are very, very worried about her. We keep trying to make
suggestions that she just waves off. She says therapy is the only place
she feels safe (even from our “help”), that she is totally overwhelmed,
and that “nothing will ever change.” Yesterday she arrived late before
a football game and almost took my head off because I asked a simple
question, demanded a drink, and was clearly miserable. Her husband
seems clueless about how bad things are. I don’t think she is suicidal.
Just bleak and unlike her normal solid self. What can we do?

Intervention?

 
Dear Intervention –

This situation requires careful handling. An email will allow her the
distance to listen better. Give it a try. Here’s my draft. (Fill in the
blanks with details pertinent to the situation):

Dear _____:
When you came over for the game the other day you were strung so
tight I got even more worried about you. I’ve been thinking about how
stressed you are. All I ask is that you read this email to the end and
consider my idea. We never have to discuss it. You never have to tell
me either to &%^&%^ off or that it was helpful. But please give it
time to settle. I tried to think about your point of view as well as that
of your friends.

 
I love you and I am worried about you. I think that is true about many
of the people who care about you, though none of us have found a
way of expressing it that you are in a place to hear. You’ve said
everyone has an opinion and you cannot cope with hearing them. I’m
sure you have enough on your hands. But that doesn’t mean the input
was wrong, or that you are right to block it out. None of us outside
may have a full handle on your life, but if the collective is all saying
“change something,” please listen with at least one ear open.

 
Here is what I am suggesting. Send an email to the closest people
whom you love and value. It should go roughly like this: I know you
are trying to help me cope. I am trying too but there’s lots you don’t
see on the day to day and might not understand or agree with my
interpretation of what I should do. But I value you enough to want to
hear what you have to say and to at least consider it. Please send me
a reply with no more than three observations/ideas for change. I
promise to read it and take your email (and those of a handful of other
trusted folks) to my counselor and discuss them with her. She’s the
one place I can deal with my life in complete safety. It’s too hard to be
vulnerable every time someone like you wants to tell me what to do. It
makes me annoyed and I sometimes just shut down. But if you love
me, please do this once and then please stop telling me what to do in
ways and times I cannot cope.

 

The price for getting to say exactly
what you think is to do one of these for me: [insert list of time
consuming chores]. I promise to take what you say seriously and to
discuss the collective input from my counselor. But I want you to stop
being “helpful” after you do because that is just one more stress and I
am pretty stressed out as it is. If you can do that, reply. If not, please
be considerate of what I am going through.

 
Then see what people say. Read each email and talk them over in your
safe space. I know you are always in defensive mode when you talk to
us because you are afraid we are going to give more  “helpful
suggestions.” Please don’t write this email off as just one of them. It is
the tip of the iceberg for the anxiety that your collective friends feel
about and for you.

 
So for a promise to do [X from list], here’s my two cents: I am asking
you to [then insert you single most important suggestion].
I promise not to give you more input if you promise to follow through
in counseling. That’ll be hard for me too :-). But you told me that
nothing would change. That is a very bad recipe for your future. I love
you and I am your friend. You can talk about anything with me and I
will listen. I don’t want you holding anything in because that’s more
stress for you. I want to be a safety zone. But know how concerned I
and other friends are. Please consider asking them, reading what they
say, and then considering some changes with the support of your
counselor. I love you. Subject closed – Hugs.

In Shock

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Last week the sister-in- law of a good friend/neighbor woke up (in
L.A.), did her morning rituals, went to work, and while seated at her
desk in the shop she and her husband owned, was struck by a truck
doing 90 miles an hour that plowed into their new building, seriously
injuring her and three others. She ended the day in ICU, in an induced
coma after brain surgery, with many stunned and horrified loved ones
praying for a non-tragic outcome, one that seemed painfully remote.

 

When she awoke that morning, she had no idea it was the last day of
the life she had known. They’ve been told by the neurologist, “Sarah’s
brain has been badly wounded. Even if she pulls through, she won’t
really be Sarah any more, and she’ll need lots and lots of love and
support. If it were my wife, I’d pull the plug and if it were me, I’d want
her to do the same.” What do they/you pray for? And how do I support
my friend, who is about to have her cantankerous, controlling, 93-year
old Catholic mother-in- law who is on the downhill slide move into her
small guest room? The woman’s only activity other than eating and
sleeping is watching game shows (with the volume turned waaay up).
Her favorite is The Bible Quiz Show. It’s all a bit overwhelming. Sorry
for the mishmash of deep and practical but this has us all up-ended.

In Shock

 
Dear In Shock:

The world is a scary and unpredictable place. You’re describing five
different problems: the dying woman’s husband’s decision about his
wife; her mother’s grief; her brother’s decision to bring his mother
home; his wife’s acceptance of her mother-in- law; your support for
your friend. Here goes:

The husband is the only one who can legally make the decision about
his wife. He should consult with his rabbi/priest as well as with medical
ethicists. Although many folks would trust the neurologist’s judgment,
this is a minefield of emotions and medical issues. I am sorry for his
predicament. Yes to prayer, but no I cannot tell you or anyone else
what they should pray for in such a circumstance. And no one will ever
be sure that the outcome they think they want or happens is the best
one for their loved one or themselves. It’s a tragedy, pure and simple.
No parent expects to survive a child. That’s doubly true for a person
with her own medical issues, who may not fully be able to understand
what’s occurred. No rational person could. The loss of a child is an
extreme trauma, as is a move to another state. Frequently elders need
much more support after either trauma, let alone both in rapid
succession. The mother will need a lot of love and help. But your friend
and her husband do have some rights about air pollution in their
home. They should be kind and caring, provide lots of tenderness and
care at the outset, but should not establish living arrangements that’ll
break up the marriage. They should at least look at assisted living or
group homes as an option, or consider building a mother-in- law suite,
after the initial after-effects of death and relocation wear off. Chicken
soup first, then problem-solving.

 
You can support your friend in several ways. Let her vent, cry, and
take quiet time as often as she needs to until the shock of all these
horrors and changes become a problem that needs to be solved
instead of a horror show she cannot stop. Encourage her to have very
practical conversations with her husband about all the on-going
logistics in L.A., from funeral to putting his mother’s house on the
market. Make sure he consults with his married-in- laws about the
relocation in case there is a different option that does not involve a
move. Assuming mother really is coming, help her get the house
ready. Prepare the guest room before she comes, by cleaning and
painting it. Make it warm and welcoming, even if that’s not her gut
response to the change. Help her use the occasion to do a household
purge and reorganization, taking advantage of the shift. That may
mean rolling up your sleeves and grabbing a paintbrush, running
things to thrift stores or recycling, or just lots of brainstorming and
listening. Make sure she knows you are there for her, and that you will
offer her a place to come hang out and kvetch later if she needs it.
Virtually everyone in “the sandwich generation” (people with aging
parents and children) has experienced this kind of dislocation. She is
neither the first nor the last. There’s probably support groups and
helpful hints all around her, once she gets past the shock of losing a
sister-in- law and housing a mother-in- law.

Confused

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How do I know whether or not to have a biopsy? I have a strange
growth on my tongue. My dentist referred me to an oral surgeon who
said it was not a big deal. I was worried, so went to a second oral
surgeon who said it was 95% likely nothing, but that if I wanted a
biopsy to relive my worrying I could have one. Nothing about anyone
carving up my tongue sounds good, from a point of view of costs,
pain, and health. But neither does oral cancer. From everyone in my
life who has ever dealt with cancer I am hearing, Do the biopsy NOW!!
From others I am told, wait and see, just poking at can make it change
for the worse. How can I make this decision? I am generally healthy,
and when I go to the internet the images they show of the diagnostic
words I have been given are horrific and ugly. I have basically a little
zit, not anything that looks at all like the pictures. But I don’t want oral
cancer.

Confused

 
Dear Confused:

I’m not a doctor, dentist, oral surgeon, or omniscient. I’m also just as
risk averse as you are regarding medical procedures, and just as likely
to fret about the unknown. But no one, not even the oral surgeon
willing to do the biopsy, can guarantee you what will happen, and that
includes whether or not the zit on your tongue won’t get worse the day
after the cells are declared benign. There are probably things going on
right now in your body that are at least as dangerous as the zit. We
can’t ever know it all, and very few of us can predict whether we’ll die
by cancer or being hit by a truck. We’re not immortal. It’s how we live
that matters, and that includes taking responsibility for health choices.

 

If money, pain, inconvenience, or unintended consequences did not
exist, I’d say get the biopsy. If any or all of those matter more to you
than not knowing, I’d say watch and wait for a month or two and see
what happens. That’s doubly or triply true if you can meet with your
medical doctor and show him/her the zit. Depending on what your doc
says, consider going on an upgraded and healthy regimen for a while,
maybe even a diet, fast, or cleanse that’ll clear old toxicity out of your
system. If the zit lingers and you’re still fretting, get it checked out for
peace of mind. Sorry, only you can make this decision and your friends
should support the choice you make.

Worm Out

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. It feels like
she&'s been the rock in the road of my life. She never believed me
when I told her about abuse issues in our family. She ran off every
boyfriend I ever had. She refused to help me pay for college. She cut
me off for a decade when I converted to Judaism. More, more, more….
She was just diagnosed with metastasized cancer and is refusing
treatment, putting herself on a hunger strike, and trying to die as
quickly as possible. My other siblings had an equally difficult
relationship with her. But now that she is dying they are bending over
backwards to hold her hand, wipe her brow, and act like she’s the
queen of the universe. I’m a 55-year old CPA in a new happy
relationship and drowning in tax returns. I understand that she&'s dying
but don’t want to be a hypocrite or give her more chances to ruin my
life. Do you have any advice for how to deal with an end-of- life
situation that I don&'t want to make worse but also cannot give her the
obedience and tears she seems to expect?

Worm Out

 
Dear Worn Out:

Assuming her body follows her will, time is short. I understand tax
season dominates most years, but you’ll have more of those later, and
your mother will only die once. Only you can know what will be okay
for your soul and heart. My usual question to folks with difficult
relationships facing a death is this: If she died today, would you be
okay? If not, you still have time to do something about it.

 
I recommend shooing away brow-wiping siblings for an afternoon. Say
you want some one-on- one time. Wait till she’s had food and a nap,
and then say something like: I know it hasn&'t always been easy
between us. But you’re my only mother. I’ve always respected that
you believed your opinions very strongly, even when I didn&'t agree
with them. I wish you could have felt the same about me but it was
clear that you didn&'t. But I recognize we won’t always have the luxury
of eye-to- eye contact, so I want you to know that I asked for this
alone time so we could be really honest with one another. My life has
turned out better than you thought it would. I am happy. But if there’s
anything you want to say to me about your life, my life, or our
relationship, I&'m listening.

 
Then really try to listen. Don’t be defensive or argumentative or feel
you need to justify your life. This is probably your mother’s last time to
tell you what she thinks you need to hear. You may be surprised if she
is milder or less judgmental than she was in life. But no matter what
she says find some way to respond to her that doesn&'t provoke an
argument. Find a way to communicate from your new happy and
confident self, so that you feel like you said what you needed to. End
with, I know in your way you tried to be a good mother. After all, she&'s
the one that&'s dying you. I don&'t think you should have to swallow your
truth but I am encouraging you not to upset her last few weeks with a
strident need to assert something that will have no impact on her
quality-of- life or your reality. It could come back to bite your
conscience or relationships with your sibs later. If you are really
happy, you will find a way to keep peace as she passes. You’ll feel
better if you do and worse if you don’t.

Gotta Get Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. My doctor educated me
about all the alternatives and, because I never ever ever want to go
through this again I have chosen to have a double mastectomy. My
decision is also confirmed and supported by the second consult. I know
I am looking at a long recovery, especially because there will be
chemo and/or radiation on the other side of surgery. I’m divorced,
without children or close family nearly, but I do have a robust network
of friends and acquaintances, from everywhere from synagogue to
(don’t laugh) bowling league. Though I am self-reliant, I know I will
need help. How can I ask people to do for me?

Gotta Get Ready

 
Dear Gotta Get Ready:

Now’s your chance to learn about improving your relationships with
people in your wider circle. Also to practice humiltiy and learn how to
let others do for you. Your broader community will soon become part
of your local extended family, by choice and necessity. If you chose to
hire a nursing aide, you would end up spending gazillions more (a
rough cost estimate) and you would also miss a great chance to get
closer to folks. It may feel hard to go through a truly traumatic event
with those who’re now only acquaintances. But when you ask for help,
with a meal, or a ride to doctor’s appointment, or even to come help
do your laundry, I’ll be shocked if they don’t step up and say Yes.
Virtually everyone you know has a friend or relative in a similar
situation far away. It’s a collective “pay it forward” for us all.

 
You need your best friend to act as stage manager for you. She might
be happy with a pen and a clipboard, but in the last several years
several good websites have evolved to help care teams share
information and chores. They’re also a way for you to post medical
updates for your fiends without having to repeat the same news (good
or bad) over and over. Have her investigate the web to choose one.
Your synagogue may have a system to help also. Call and ask whom
you should speak to. You should probably talk to folks directly and
then say she will coordinate while you focus on getting ready for
surgery and then well. After you are fully recovered, throw a great
party for everyone who helped. They’ll feel good and so will you. Last,
pray for healing and make the process as easy on yourself as you can.
It’s good for you to let others do for you.