Category Archives: Illness

Not So Close

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the protocol on calling in chits for medical emergencies? A year
ago I had serious surgery. One of my closest friends was supposed to
spend the night in the hospital with me but at the last moment was
felled by projectile vomiting. Another, less close, friend stepped in
even though it was a terrible time for her to lose a night’s sleep. Since
then we have become even less close. Now she needs rotator cuff
surgery and won’t be able to shower or take care of herself for at least
a week. She sent me an email asking if she could stay in my guest
room. FOR A WEEEK! I certainly don’t mind having her for a night or
two but honestly I come from the Ben Franklin school that fish and
guests should be tossed after three days. What’s the right answer?

Not So Close

 
Dear Not So Close:

You do owe her some hospitality and nurturing. But a week is a long
time to have anyone stay with you, let alone someone with whom you
are not so close. I’d come clean and say that you’re happy to have her
stay there for two nights, and happy to help her find another friend to
take a second shift, or to stay with her at her house after that. While
that compromise may feel right to you, be very clear that it may not
feel so good to her. You risk that she feels rejected and that the
friendship is irretrievably ruptured.

 
Another option would be to say yes, and hope she longs for her home
before the time is up. Or to plead work deadlines, other guests, or
some excuse that’s less blatant than the Ben Franklin one, which I do
NOT recommend using as your opening line. Offer to help her come up
with a care crew, perhaps in her own home “where you’ll feel more
comfortable…” Again, any answer other than yes is a risk that only you
can assess.

Quality of Life Matters

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just saw in incredibly painful movie about a woman slowly dying of
strokes. It was a beautifully done French movie, and she had a loving
husband to take care of her. But by halfway through this very slow
drama she is lying around in wet diapers, moaning incoherently in
pain, trying to track a nursery rhyme. I know everyone says they don’t
want to live—die– like that, but it seems that most people do. Is there
anything I can do to escape a fate like this, which is my worst
nightmare? I think I could deal with pain better than the indignity of
losing my sense of self. But why should we have to balance out the
various bad ways to spend our last few years. BTW I am single and
lack the loving caretaker the dying woman in the movie had. That’s
part of why I am scared.

Quality of Life Matters

 
Dear Quality of Life Matters:

This is serious stuff. Everyone faces death and no one has found an
easy way to cope with it. At the risk of sounding grim, most people’s
last days, weeks, months, or even years before dying are less
pleasant, pain-free, and autonomous than their peak years. The
number of ways to become debilitated are many and though their
variations are unique to each person, they almost always involve more
medical treatments/people and less of a sense of dignity than any of
us would wish for ourselves or loved ones. Having a loving spouse or
child and a healthy bank account can make the process better, but
very few people are spared by drifting off painlessly one night in their
sleep.

 
You can investigate the idea of death with dignity. Some states allow
assisted suicide in cases of terminal diagnoses. Many other people
have taken steps to ensure their own demise. Here’s the catch-22:
when you are healthy you are unlikely to take those steps. A sound
mind in a sound body wants to live. So it turns out does an unsound
mind in an unsound body. And once you’ve shifted into the latter
state, you have less access to means and opportunity, even if your
motives remain the same. This is a very difficult subject for
individuals and families. If you start conversations with family you’ll
find out very quickly who thinks death with dignity is a viable option
and who is horrified that you’re even interested in learning about it.
That alone will be instructive.

Second Rounder

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 56 and have just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second
time. The first time I did a lumpectomy. Now I am planning to have a
double mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. For the last
fifteen years my whole identity has been wrapped up in being a cancer
survivor. Of the fifteen people in my support group from the 90’s I am
only one of three still walking around. I have been looked up to in the
community as a success story, have given talks about cancer at the
synagogue, and have prided myself on how healthy I am and live. Now
it feels like my whole world is crashing down. Obviously I am most
upset about the cancer, but it also calls up a lot of what I thought
about the rest of my life, from work to my savings account. Also, I am
single and know I’m going to need a lot of help to get through this.

Second Rounder

 
Dear Second Rounder:

Yes your identity is going to be different. But you are still you, just
with a medical problem. This is not going to be a quick process. Round
two will have lots of stages and each of them will require a lot of help.
Find two friends to serve as your care team coordinators. Give them
the names of any people you think would be willing to help you with
everything from bringing meals to schlepping you to medical
appointments. At places like helpinghands.com they will be able to
sign up chore. Think about everyone from folks at your synagogue to
co-workers and book club or gym friends. Also ask neighbors if they
would be on call for physical help in case you slip or fall.

 
Draft an email to send everyone that says something like this: After
fifteen years, my worst fear has happened: cancer has reentered my
life. If you’re reading this it’s because I trust you and am inviting you
to be my helper in the process of ejecting it from the rest of my life. If
you’re willing to bring me the occasional dinner, help me with house or
yard chores, or even come with me to chemo/radiation appointments,
please go to [website] and sign up. You’ll get emails alerting you when
I need help. I’ll be very appreciative for anything you can do, no
matter how small. I plan on making it through this and living a happy
and healthy long time. I look forward to celebrating with you on the
other side. Thanks!

Wanna Help

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother just found out she has breast cancer. Actually, I just found
out. She’s known for more than a month. Now it is post-biopsy and
she’s decided to have a mastectomy followed by chemo. Naturally I
want to be there for her and my father, and said I wanted to come. My
parents have a very close, almost exclusive, relationship. Both my
sister and I grew up feeling more tolerated than loved. But this is a
time when it’s important to be there to support them. I want to help
with everything from errands to relieving my father in the hospital,
cooking healthy food for them, and being on point to make sure there
are no mistakes in hospital care. When I asked when was the best
time to come both my parents said “Later. Much later.” They simply
refuse to let either my sister or me be there for the surgery. Not only
do I think they are very wrong but selfishly so. I am also hurt. I tried
to say so but cannot make a dent in their wall of resistance. Do I keep
trying or give up?

Wanna Help

 
Dear Wanna Help:

You can’t make them want to have you there any more than you can
make someone love you, be that a parent, a partner, or a friend. And
yes I am sure it hurts. You would almost certainly be useful to them in
ways too numerous to count. But you’re going to have to accede to
their wishes in the short-run because this is going to be a much longer
process than they or you might imagine. You’ll need to have built up a
core supply of patience and goodwill rather and a feeling that you
intruded after they told you not to come. I know that’s not what you
want you want to hear but it’s true.

 
Write them an email saying you respect their wishes even if you don’t
agree with them. Give them all the advice you want to tell them, what
you think they need to hear, neatly organized under categories like
hospital care, nutrition tips, etc. Assume that they will neither read nor
appreciate this even if they do. But you’ll feel better getting it all off
your chest and out of your head. Call the night before to wish her luck.
Make sure your father has his cell with him and on to let you know
when she gets out of surgery and how it went, what they found, etc.
Plan to visit after her chemo or radiation begins. When you do, cook
lots of healthy food and put some simple meals in the freezer. She
may not eat them but your father will. Remember that sometimes
being a good daughter means doing less not more. Hard but true.

Scared

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I like my doctor but she&'s hard to get into. For the last month or so I
have been having what my aunt Sophie used to call “spells” –
lightheadedness to the point of trembling just comes over me. It
responds quickly when I eat. Yes I have been dieting though not to
starvation or silliness. When I called for an appointment I was told she
was full up for three weeks and then taking a month off. I don&'t want
to wait almost two months, especially since my Google research
suggests I may have diabetes. I have thought about going to the health
food store and doing some self-care, but I am concerned I might screw
up the blood test I am sure she will order when I do get in to see her.
Any ideas about getting to the front of the line?

Scared

 
Dear Scared:

The internet is a great place to acquire a lot of facts (accurate or not)
very quickly. Also a wonderful place to get enough information to be
terrifying and possibly dangerous. Which is not to say you might not
have diabetes. Or that you might not choose to include some herbal
supplements in an eventual treatment protocol. But it’s an insufficient
basis of information for now. And yes, taking some things could help
you but could skew test results.

 
Call and leave a message like the below and follow it with an email.
Explain what you told me and then ask that she order the appropriate
blood tests to determine whether you do or do not have incipient
diabetes. And ask that she find the time before she leaves for vacation
to scan the results to determine if it is medically safe for you to wait
for her return or if it makes sense for you to see a different doctor
sooner. This plan should get her attention (read fear of complaint) and
should get you both the necessay information in the most efficient
way. One thing to know if you do get a diagnosis of a serious disease
like diabetes is that you will need to make some lifestyle changes to
change the direction and momentum of threes changes to your health.

Crying Too

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister just learned she has breast cancer. She hasn&'t told anyone
else because we are twins and our relationship is closer than either of
ours with anyone else, including our husbands. She arrived and
immediately burst into tears. When she could finally talk, she told me
how scared and confused she is. She felt the lump and had somehow
managed to keep the secret even from me. (For the record I knew
something was wrong but she kept denying it.) I know she needs to
make some pretty important decisions. I want to help her, but her
husband and I don’t get along very well. I think he’s jealous of our
closeness. Her kids love me fine. I&'m scared too. Where do we start?

Crying Too

 
Dear Crying:

Breast cancer is not a death sentence. But virtually everyone has the
same reflexive response to the word “cancer.” We immediately go to
fear and assume that we (or whomever is diagnosed) is entering a
dark tunnel with only one way out. That’s not only untrue, but for
breast cancer potentially much less true than for other types. Yes it
will be a long road with some difficult pit stops. There will be pain,
likely some or all of surgery, chemo, and/or radiation. There may also
be smaller problems like hair loss, exhaustion, and medical side effects
large and small. But they are not a death sentence. They are a wake-
up call for her and for you and for the rest of the family to band
together and fight like ****.

 
If you haven’t already had a big family meeting to re-organize reality,
make it happen ASAP. That means sitting down with everyone from
ghrandparents to kids to agree on a plan to support her through the
process. And by her I mean all of them. You should probably be her
medical best buddy, going to doctor appointments and chemo sessions
with her as often as you can. Her husband will have to be the primary
support for their children. There are various online sites that can help
organize care teams for everything from meals to household chores.
The most important thing you can do is to love her deeply and well
and say so very often in words and hugs and yes even tears.

Concerned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend with cancer. She has a large support team that’s
helping with everything from cooking to shlepping her to chemo. I do
my part but I also check in with her by phone. It’s natural to ask how
she’s feeling, but I can hear from her intake of her breath that she’s
tired of having people ask her that and tired of having to keep
repeating either the immediate news or safe platitudes. On the other
hand I don’t want her to think I don’t care, and I do want to know.
What’s the right etiquette to show my love and concern and also give
her some breathing room?

Concerned

 
Dear Concerned:

Your sensitivity and caring make you a very desirable friend. I suspect
everyone she knows is in the same position, wanting to help but not
wanting to be in the way. The reality is that if your friend is already in
chemo she’s probably been dealing with cancer for quite a while, at
least months. The initial shock of diagnosis, both tentative and
clarifying, plus whatever intermediate medical events have occurred,
and the enlisting of the support group, have all been major life events
and stressors. She’s probably been asked the How are you feeling?
question at least a gazillion times, all by people who care a lot and are
concerned. But there’s a narrowing of identity that goes with that
focus that she could very legitimately be tiring of, not to mention the
effects of the treatments themselves.

 
The simplest answer to your question is to ask her. Start with a candid
convo telling her exactly what you asked me. Say, I really care about
you but I want you to be here for you the way you want and need me
to. I always want to ask, but I’m sure you get tired of the same Q&A.
I’d like you to tell me what you most need, whether that’s a safety
zone to rant and scream, or someone to just come rub your shoulders.
Let her set the parameters for communication, and then abide by
them.

 
Also, if she does not utilize a web for helping, there are sites like
http://www.helpinghands.com, or http://www.caringbridge.com, and probably
others, that allow communication out (e.g Ellen’s surgery went great
but please leave comments here rather than calling the house) and in
(We love you. Go gal!), and also help support teams organize everything
from meals to schlepping by having signups public and coordinated.
We will all face similar needs as the years progress, so sadly there’s lots
of chances to get this right.

Flatlining

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How do I know if I am in a depression? I have been tired for so long, a
prolonged feeling of real depletion. I have seen every kind of doctor
imaginable, from alternative care providers to neurologists. Mostly, I
feel stuck. I get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go to bed.
My life is punctuated by the occasional movie or beer with friends, but
nothing seems to excite me. It’s not physical; I’ve seen my doctor and
had all the requisite blood work and tests. I’ve been in counseling
before and know the signs of depression. This isn’t deeply emotional at
that level. It’s just that my life feels too familiar. How can I find some
spice, even a distracting love affair?

Flatlining

 
Dear Flatlining:

Falling in love rarely happens when people are as low as you describe
yourself. Or, if it does, it could easily be a wrong choice that might
distract you in the short run and complicate your life for a long, long
time. Better to pick yourself up and get some zip going on your own,
and then present in the world as a fuller human being.

 
Take some time to think about when you last felt excited, when you
weren’t tired and lackluster. Think about what you were doing, what
hobbies interested you, who you were hanging with, what was
different about your life. Shake things up. Make a commitment to try
new things, whether that’s taking an art class or getting a friend to go
dancing with you. Focus on getting out of the house more and
worrying less. Reach out to friends you trust and ask them to include
you when they do fun things. Look at your job and see if there’s a
project you can volunteer for that would challenge you. Find an
organization whose values you care about and volunteer some time.
Don’t, by the way, discount another round of counseling. But don’t
limit yourself to it. You need more than talk; you need more play.

Recuperating

Dear Readers:

I recently had back problems and disk surgery. I have learned many
lessons that I wanted to share. These are tips about harvesting
physical and spiritual lessons from physical adversity, and about
navigating daily life.

Recuperating

 
Dear Recuperating:

One of my Torah teachers tried hard to teach me that the most important part of
loving and having faith in G-d was to be able to say Thank You for lessons
learned through hardship with as much sincerity as one says Thanks for those
learned through joy. It’s a rare person who embraces that teaching easily.
In addition to the spiritual insights, here’s some very practical tips for coping with
debilitating body issues: An early side effect of chronic pain is loss of energy.
You might be more tired during the day, have trouble with the daily chores, and
care less about what remains undone. There’s simply less of you to go around
because your body is fighting pain. You’ll start taking over-the counter-
medications but go to your doctor soon to get a handle on what’s appropriate and
safe. There’s a great website (and maybe others) called http://www.drugs.com that’ll
help you know what not to mix together. That’s fine for 2 a.m. info, but ask your
doctor for the right diagnostic tests to find out if what you have will pass on its
own or needs more serious interventions.

 

Buy the right accommodation tools. For backs, here’s my minimum set: a long-
handled grabber that’ll save you from reaching too high or bending too low. Ditto
for a long-handled dustpan and broom combo, great for when the cat food dish
slips from the grabber and makes a mess on the kitchen floor. Ask about the right
positions to sit and lie down in. You can make things much better or worse with
wrong choices. A recliner is better than a soft sofa. Buy some really large gel ice
bags, placed in a reachable place in your freezer. Have water bottles with sippy
tops everywhere you might lie down. Ditto reading glasses, books, tissues, and a
pen/paper for writing notes to yourself.

 

Take an inventory of family and friends who’re available to help. Don’t burn them
out too early, because you may need them if you have surgery later. A household
full of family may also impose too many requests on you, so make it clear what
you cannot do. Living alone poses other challenges; see if you can find a reliable
teenager you can pay to do heavy cleaning and lifting If you cannot drive, line up
folks to take you to doctor appointments. Admit this going to last a while and plan
accordingly. Eventually life gets better.

Helpful Harriet

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please help me know how to help a friend who has just been
diagnosed with cancer. She’s been told she has cancer in both breasts,
in one of which she had cancer and a lumpectomy fifteen years ago.
When I responded with “So you’ll do a double mastectomy?” she
nearly took off my head, though her primary care doctor told her the
same thing three days later. She’s much more interested in talking
about problems with a colleague at work, or her reconstructive surgery
than in dealing with any of the more imminent medical imperatives.
How can I get her to face reality and stop living in denial?

Helpful Harriet

 
Dear Helpful:

You can be the best help by being her friend, not her doctor, medical
social worker, or other professional engaged in planning her care.
Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief start with denial for a reason.
Because it’s the most human response to tragedy or even lesser bad
news: to put up our arms, cover our eyes, and stick our head in the
ground. We’ve all done it, and if you have not then your life has been
exceptionally more lucky than most of humanity. For your sake I hope
it continues, but the odds are long.

 
The best way to help is to let her talk, to listen and murmur consistent
support, and keep saying, Tell me how I can help. The realities of her
situation will catch up with her much faster than anyone else could
make her see. The medical industry will process her body and you will
need to be there for her emotions and to help her navigate the simpler
realities of her day-to- day: transportation to/from appointments, the
logistics of food and household, communication about her condition.
Between now and then, just let her ramble and be in denial as long as
she needs to. Life will set its own inexorable limits. FYI, so you’re
ready, the next four stages are anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance. Some people get stuck for longer or shorter periods, but
cancer has its own trajectory. Be ready to help her with this difficult
journey.

Scared Poopless

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please don’t yell at or lecture me. I haven’t been to a doctor in twenty
years. I’m 58, overweight, and I’ve been having some strange and
distressing intestinal symptoms for the last few months. No I have not
had the dreaded colonoscopy. Yes I have tried dietary changes and I
can tell that some things help (less wheat and processed foods). But I
am scared enough to think about confronting the unknown. I’ve
identified three possible gastro-intestinal specialists with good
reputations. Only one is a woman, whom I would prefer, but the other
two come very highly recommended. I want to interview each of them
before I decide which doctor to whom I’m going to entrust my life and
health. Can you give me criteria other than my gut to decide which
one is right for me?

Scared Poopless

 
Dear Scared:

Pick up the phone. Now, today. You can spin a wheel or toss coins to
decide which one to call first, but set an appointment with each of
them asap asap asap. Go to the first one you can get into. Try and set
appointments with the others for a week or so after. If you cannot get
in soon, ask to be put on the waiting list for cancellations. You’d be
amazed at how often the phone will ring with, Can you come in
today/tomorrow…? Here’s my thinking: The first doctor you see will
almost certainly schedule some form of diagnostic test(s). If you fall in
love you can cancel the other appointments. But if you get news you
hate or simply want to compare insights or styles, you’ll have a second
opinion set up and waiting. Most docs will use the test results from Dr.
#1, but #2 might order other diagnostics.

 
As for ignoring your body for decades, you’re not alone. But you’ve
now reached (or passed) the age when you need to change your bad
habits. Bodies are mechanical and chemical systems. Our souls may be
eternal but the mechanisms that support daily life are not. We wear
down and out like any other working tool and living being. Think about
your car or your pets. Would you have tried to drive a vehicle for
decades without an oil change or tune-up? Or leave a puppy without a
rabies shot or flea meds? You deserve at least at much attention.
You’re overdue. Dial today.

Wheezy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m alive, which a week ago I wasn’t sure I would be a week ago. I had a horrible
case of the flu, and yes I got the shot, even the heavy-duty one they give seniors.
I haven’t always gotten it but after this experience I will never again even think of
skipping. Even at 10% effectiveness against this strain, if it had been worse I
might have ended up in the hospital. But thanks to the good graces of my
neighbors and friends, I made it. They brought me gallons of chicken soup, ran to
the store to get me supplies and vitamins, and walked my dog, who slept with me
on the sofa for the better part of two weeks. Even when my fever was 102,
having him breathe next to me was such a comfort. The dog I can give biscuits,
but how do I thank them?

Wheezy

 
Dear Wheezy:

You do it with three things. First a personal note of thanks to each of them,
specifically noting what they have done for you and how much of a help it was.
Second a small bouquet of flowers. It doesn&'t have to be fancy but everyone
loves to see a vase of something fresh, especially in the winter months. And
third, a copy of printed set of How to Make the Flu More Bearable instructions.
Below is what I put in mine, as I too recently lost two weeks of my life, but
customize for what has worked for you.

 
My advice: Dear Friends – Having made it through the worst illness I’ve had
since the mid-90s, here’s some advice about what to keep on hand in case you
start to go down for the count: Good friends who will make you chicken soup!
Chicken stock that you can prepare and freeze is better than store-bought, but
keep both on hand. Vitamin C; take it till your body says you’ve saturated. Other
vitamins that work for you, from Oregon grape and other lung-relief tinctures to
oregano oil to gargle with, thyme to brew tea, muscle relaxing menthol plasters
(or vapo rub), and a heavy duty anti-cold/flu cough syrup to help you sleep. Take
your temp a few times a day, and rest/rest/rest and drink/drink/drink (water lol).
Good books and streaming can help, though the flu will command lots of staring.
Keep your phone turned off and sleep. Then take another nap. It will pass, but it’s
hard for the first week. Call your doc’s office if you start to wheeze seriously or
get dehydrated.

Not/Patient

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is a chatterbox. It&'s bad enough when we do something grueling like
buying a car and he needs to impress the sales guy with what a tough negotiator
he is, but it is particularly annoying when we drive two hours to see my specialist
at the University Hospital and he spends half the $600 appointment trying to
impress her with what he knows about my somewhat rare condition. My good
friend tries to take me but she can&'t the next visit and I know he will want to
reassert himself. How can I get him to shush so she can speak? It&'s the doc I
need to hear from.

Not/Patient
Dear Not/Patient:

You have a two-hour car ride in which to plan for a successful visit. But nothing
will work as you wish without you reminding your husband, both in the car and at
the threshold of the doctor’s door, that you are paying for you to hear her not for
her to hear him. In a marriage with established patterns, this may surprise him,
so be ready for some pushback, but make your point as strongly as you can.
In the car review the current state of your condition, recent lab tests, how you
have progressed or backslid since the last visit, and ways that you have complied
with or had problems implementing your doctor’s instructions.

 

Ask hubby lots of questions and let him exercise his vocal cords. Then agree on a
list of questions you want to make sure are addressed: diagnosis, prognosis, activities,
prescriptions, proscriptions and mandates for daily life, etc. Ask him to frame the
questions while you take notes, and then read it back to him. Lastly, extract a
promise that he will let you interact directly with the doctor, with the assurance
that only after all the items on the list have been addressed, and you have asked
her if there’s anything else she needs to say to you, will he begin to speak. Yes
that will be hard, but if he values your health he will comply.

Dismissed!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve gone to the same doctor for almost ten years. I was attracted to
him because he practices a certain type of holistic medicine in addition
to having the usual MD rights and insurance access. He’s a little
moody but has helped me deal with some chronic health issues. Lately
I’ve had some persistent orthopedic issues. My physical therapist
recommended an MRI, which he agreed to order. When it came back
and showed both acute and degenerative spinal issues, I asked what
to do about it, and his answer was “Learn to live with pain.” Yikes. I
am only 58. That felt wrong. In addition, after his office failed for two
days to forward the MRI to the chiropractor that he’d insisted I go see,
he sent me a letter I can only describe as filled with male menopausal
rage asking me to stop calling his office or find another doctor. I was
dumb-founded. I’ve felt well served but now I feel angry. Should I try
to explain or should I walk?

Dismissed!

 
Dear Dismissed:

No one should entrust their health care to someone with whom they
do not have at least a civil relationship. Your doctor may or may not
have emotional issues, but he does not sound like he has either good
professional judgment or bedside manner. Surely there are other
holistic practitioners you can go to who practice whatever specialty
you think is good for you. Surely there are also other doctors you
could change to who have a better way of relating to patients and a
more efficient office staff.

 
Interview people whom you like, or people who have similar health
problems, about what doctors they see. If you are part of any local
email groups, use the group list-serve to identify your criteria and
identify other doctors. If you can interview them without committing,
then do so. If not, pick the one who seems closest to what you’re
looking for. Have your records transferred. Explain that you’re looking
for a doctor who is at least holistic friendly and who also practices
traditional medicine. You may not be able to prevent your old doctor
from writing unflattering chart notes. But you can dismiss the old
relationship as “no longer a good fit for your medical needs.” Give the
new doc at least six months to see if it’s a better relationship.

Traveler

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a very embarrassing problem that I need to resolve before I go on a three-
month trip. I recently inherited a large sum of money that will enable me to fulfill a
lifelong dream of travelling extensively in the Middle East. For me that means
more than just visiting Israel as a tourist, which I’ve done several times. I want to
volunteer in various peace schools because I committed to a non-violent solution,
as difficult as that may seem. But I’ve had a medical condition since birth that
surgery has not been able to correct. I sometimes need a bathroom immediately,
as in right away, now! I’ll be staying in places where a private bathroom is an
unheard-of luxury and I don&'t want to walk around with soiled clothes. I don&'t want to forgo the trip or to disclose too much to my hosts. Short of packing lots of
Depends, you have any good advice?

Traveler

 
Dear Traveler:

I have a simple solution that may or may not be feasible: rent a porta-
potty in each city or, failing that, get an old-fashioned chamber pot
and some lime or other smell-reducing substance you can sprinkle
over the contents until you can empty it into the communal toilet. It
may be a little embarrassing but easily enough explained by diet
changes and travel.

 
Short of that, you may need to change your plans for where you’d
planned to stay, even if that reduces your on-the- ground access to
local culture. That may be a hard choice, but short of a chamber pot or
medical miracle it may be your best option.