Category Archives: Sickness & Health

Going Nuts

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband mumbles. He’s generally a quiet guy and has always been
a little on the edge of the Aspersers spectrum socially. He doesn’t have
a lot of buddies or even casual friends and doesn’t relate well to male
group bonding activities like sports. But over time we have cultivated
people who seem to get him so I am not totally isolated and when he
is on he is funny and wittily observant. I’ve survived his years of
depression and now things have been good for a long while. But he’s
in his 60s, and I’ve noticed that he’s starting to mumble virtually all
the time. He doesn’t look at me when he talks, and his sentences trail
off into nothingness that when I am half a house away I cannot
discern. I spend a lot of time tracking him down yelling What What
What??!!?? Or asking him to repeat just the part of his sentence just
past what I heard last. Then he starts over from the beginning and
talks slower and lower as he gets towards the end. Same mumbles.
Short of hitting him with a frying pan, what can I do?

Going Nuts

 
Dear Going Nuts:

Start with a full physical including a hearing test. Some of what you’re
describing could be easily fixed if it turns out he’s going deaf and just
needs an assist that may impact outgoing as well as incoming words.
But the long-run psychological aspects suggest that he will also need
some behavioral retraining to cope with his interactions with you.
Having the support of a doctor may give them more oomph, and will
all at least allow you to preface your requests with, “like the doctor
said…”

 
Sit down with him and explain the gravity of the situation. If you’re
comfortable with the threat, say the interventions you’re proposing are
in lieu of a divorce. Then tell him that unless you are face to face with
him and agree in language to his face, you are not, will not, and have
not agreed to any idea he has proposed or suggestion he has made. A
question requires direct face-to- face interaction and he is not to
assume a Yes without you saying so directly to his face. Then add, If
there’s anything you want to tell me, please speak up or speak directly
to me, or assume I’m just going to ignore the mumbling like any other
background noise. If he’s motivated, he’ll speak up. If not, get some
earphones or earplugs and enjoy good music or peace and quiet as
you choose.

Not So Close

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the protocol on calling in chits for medical emergencies? A year
ago I had serious surgery. One of my closest friends was supposed to
spend the night in the hospital with me but at the last moment was
felled by projectile vomiting. Another, less close, friend stepped in
even though it was a terrible time for her to lose a night’s sleep. Since
then we have become even less close. Now she needs rotator cuff
surgery and won’t be able to shower or take care of herself for at least
a week. She sent me an email asking if she could stay in my guest
room. FOR A WEEEK! I certainly don’t mind having her for a night or
two but honestly I come from the Ben Franklin school that fish and
guests should be tossed after three days. What’s the right answer?

Not So Close

 
Dear Not So Close:

You do owe her some hospitality and nurturing. But a week is a long
time to have anyone stay with you, let alone someone with whom you
are not so close. I’d come clean and say that you’re happy to have her
stay there for two nights, and happy to help her find another friend to
take a second shift, or to stay with her at her house after that. While
that compromise may feel right to you, be very clear that it may not
feel so good to her. You risk that she feels rejected and that the
friendship is irretrievably ruptured.

 
Another option would be to say yes, and hope she longs for her home
before the time is up. Or to plead work deadlines, other guests, or
some excuse that’s less blatant than the Ben Franklin one, which I do
NOT recommend using as your opening line. Offer to help her come up
with a care crew, perhaps in her own home “where you’ll feel more
comfortable…” Again, any answer other than yes is a risk that only you
can assess.

Intervention Time?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend of thirty years who has driven herself downhill with
persistent use of marijuana and drugs. She has a range of physical
ailments that sound like amorphous aches and pains. She self-
medicates to relieve them, though it never sounds like it works very
well. She took Social Security at 62. Because she was self-employed
much of her life and strove to pay the lowest possible taxes, her SS
monthly, which is her only income, is paltry, three digits. She lives in
an isolated area and saves gas money by staying home with her dogs
most of the time. Now she’s saying she is “done,” “has nothing to live
for,” “is ready to go,” and so on. I asked her if she was suicidal and
she said no. But I am not sure I believe her and am worried. So are
other friends, though most of us are also worn out by the long-run
litany of her complaints.

Intervention Time?

 
Dear Intervention Time:

Everyone should have the right to decide when they want to leave this
world. But it would be a sad waste if your friend were in a depression
over things that could be fixed and didn’t at least try to set them right
before she chose to leave. Before you assemble an intervention team
you need to be clear on what you are asking her to change, and what
you are offering as a support system. If nothing shifts she will almost
certainly die sooner rather than later. But people don’t tend to make
big changes when they are in a long-run depression, so set your sights
at an achievable level.

 
I’d counsel that the friends meet as a group to debrief and to get clear
on what they perceive. They should make a list of questions to ask and
also what they’re willing to do to help. These could include anything
from outright financial assistance for counseling if she will go off drugs
to making dates for a walk and a meal on a regular basis. The one who
knows her best, which sounds like you, should talk to her one on one.
She’d likely perceive a group effort as shaming. If she responds
positively you can say there are others who care about her who would
like to make her life better. But if she resists efforts to help her change
you will likely lose her as she continues to decline. I know that’s not
what you want to hear, but it’s reality, and alone in the holidays will
make it worse. Help her through the next few weeks and maybe
January will brighten her outlook.

Caring (from a distance)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A few years ago I had a big fight with a friend with whom I’d been
close for a decade. The reasons don’t matter and we both decided to
let the friendship fade without any big confrontation or attempt to
reach closure about a black/white issue on which we disagreed and
each thought the other intractably wrong. We are polite when we see
one another but aren’t personal. I just heard that her father died last
week, after a long illness. I lost my father while we were friends, and
she was very helpful. Do I let it pass, call, send a note, or ??????

Caring (from a distance)

 
Dear Caring:

It’ll help heal the wounded friendship if you acknowledge her father&'s
death. The best way to do so is with a condolence card: the old-
fashioned, hand-written personal note that you send with a stamp. You
do not have to reference either the friendship or the fight, just her
father.

 
Here’s some language, but make it your own: I just heard about your
father’s death. These are always hard passages that we all go through.
I appreciated how much you helped me when I was grieving. I know
you were a good daughter and this will be a tough process even
though you knew it was coming. Here’s what I learned, the hard way:
Dealing with the death of someone close is never linear. You&'ll have
good days and bad ones. Days when you think it&'s all going to be fine,
and others when you&'ll be teary and sad. And when you think you&'ve
adjusted, you can get slammed in the head out of nowhere. Listen for
your father in dreams, and remember all the good times you shared.
It&'s also good to keep some pictures of him around and writing or
telling stories about him. Here&'s a big hug.

Quality of Life Matters

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just saw in incredibly painful movie about a woman slowly dying of
strokes. It was a beautifully done French movie, and she had a loving
husband to take care of her. But by halfway through this very slow
drama she is lying around in wet diapers, moaning incoherently in
pain, trying to track a nursery rhyme. I know everyone says they don’t
want to live—die– like that, but it seems that most people do. Is there
anything I can do to escape a fate like this, which is my worst
nightmare? I think I could deal with pain better than the indignity of
losing my sense of self. But why should we have to balance out the
various bad ways to spend our last few years. BTW I am single and
lack the loving caretaker the dying woman in the movie had. That’s
part of why I am scared.

Quality of Life Matters

 
Dear Quality of Life Matters:

This is serious stuff. Everyone faces death and no one has found an
easy way to cope with it. At the risk of sounding grim, most people’s
last days, weeks, months, or even years before dying are less
pleasant, pain-free, and autonomous than their peak years. The
number of ways to become debilitated are many and though their
variations are unique to each person, they almost always involve more
medical treatments/people and less of a sense of dignity than any of
us would wish for ourselves or loved ones. Having a loving spouse or
child and a healthy bank account can make the process better, but
very few people are spared by drifting off painlessly one night in their
sleep.

 
You can investigate the idea of death with dignity. Some states allow
assisted suicide in cases of terminal diagnoses. Many other people
have taken steps to ensure their own demise. Here’s the catch-22:
when you are healthy you are unlikely to take those steps. A sound
mind in a sound body wants to live. So it turns out does an unsound
mind in an unsound body. And once you’ve shifted into the latter
state, you have less access to means and opportunity, even if your
motives remain the same. This is a very difficult subject for
individuals and families. If you start conversations with family you’ll
find out very quickly who thinks death with dignity is a viable option
and who is horrified that you’re even interested in learning about it.
That alone will be instructive.

Second Rounder

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m 56 and have just been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second
time. The first time I did a lumpectomy. Now I am planning to have a
double mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. For the last
fifteen years my whole identity has been wrapped up in being a cancer
survivor. Of the fifteen people in my support group from the 90’s I am
only one of three still walking around. I have been looked up to in the
community as a success story, have given talks about cancer at the
synagogue, and have prided myself on how healthy I am and live. Now
it feels like my whole world is crashing down. Obviously I am most
upset about the cancer, but it also calls up a lot of what I thought
about the rest of my life, from work to my savings account. Also, I am
single and know I’m going to need a lot of help to get through this.

Second Rounder

 
Dear Second Rounder:

Yes your identity is going to be different. But you are still you, just
with a medical problem. This is not going to be a quick process. Round
two will have lots of stages and each of them will require a lot of help.
Find two friends to serve as your care team coordinators. Give them
the names of any people you think would be willing to help you with
everything from bringing meals to schlepping you to medical
appointments. At places like helpinghands.com they will be able to
sign up chore. Think about everyone from folks at your synagogue to
co-workers and book club or gym friends. Also ask neighbors if they
would be on call for physical help in case you slip or fall.

 
Draft an email to send everyone that says something like this: After
fifteen years, my worst fear has happened: cancer has reentered my
life. If you’re reading this it’s because I trust you and am inviting you
to be my helper in the process of ejecting it from the rest of my life. If
you’re willing to bring me the occasional dinner, help me with house or
yard chores, or even come with me to chemo/radiation appointments,
please go to [website] and sign up. You’ll get emails alerting you when
I need help. I’ll be very appreciative for anything you can do, no
matter how small. I plan on making it through this and living a happy
and healthy long time. I look forward to celebrating with you on the
other side. Thanks!

Wanna Help

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother just found out she has breast cancer. Actually, I just found
out. She’s known for more than a month. Now it is post-biopsy and
she’s decided to have a mastectomy followed by chemo. Naturally I
want to be there for her and my father, and said I wanted to come. My
parents have a very close, almost exclusive, relationship. Both my
sister and I grew up feeling more tolerated than loved. But this is a
time when it’s important to be there to support them. I want to help
with everything from errands to relieving my father in the hospital,
cooking healthy food for them, and being on point to make sure there
are no mistakes in hospital care. When I asked when was the best
time to come both my parents said “Later. Much later.” They simply
refuse to let either my sister or me be there for the surgery. Not only
do I think they are very wrong but selfishly so. I am also hurt. I tried
to say so but cannot make a dent in their wall of resistance. Do I keep
trying or give up?

Wanna Help

 
Dear Wanna Help:

You can’t make them want to have you there any more than you can
make someone love you, be that a parent, a partner, or a friend. And
yes I am sure it hurts. You would almost certainly be useful to them in
ways too numerous to count. But you’re going to have to accede to
their wishes in the short-run because this is going to be a much longer
process than they or you might imagine. You’ll need to have built up a
core supply of patience and goodwill rather and a feeling that you
intruded after they told you not to come. I know that’s not what you
want you want to hear but it’s true.

 
Write them an email saying you respect their wishes even if you don’t
agree with them. Give them all the advice you want to tell them, what
you think they need to hear, neatly organized under categories like
hospital care, nutrition tips, etc. Assume that they will neither read nor
appreciate this even if they do. But you’ll feel better getting it all off
your chest and out of your head. Call the night before to wish her luck.
Make sure your father has his cell with him and on to let you know
when she gets out of surgery and how it went, what they found, etc.
Plan to visit after her chemo or radiation begins. When you do, cook
lots of healthy food and put some simple meals in the freezer. She
may not eat them but your father will. Remember that sometimes
being a good daughter means doing less not more. Hard but true.

Future Donor

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in my 70s and reasonably well off. I don’t have family whom I feel
a need to subsidize with my assets after my demise. I’m not a Grinch,
but the meshpochah are well enough. I’ve begun thinking about death
more lately, after a brush with cancer. I am in remission and according
to my doctor I could have a long life. But I could also die a lot sooner
and all the money I have saved could be doing the needy some good. I
want to put my money where my mouth and votes have been going
for the last fifty years. I know that once I raise this issue with
everyone from my synagogue to non-profits that I will have to fend off
the planned giving managers. Do you have any pointers about how to
open the door without inviting a stampede?

Future Donor

 
Dear Donor:

This is a great time to talk to your attorney. That’s the only way your
wishes can be legally protected. You can call, ask, get information, and
indicate your wishes. But a legal document is your best protection that
they’ll be observed. Though even then, unless someone cares enough
to monitor and enforce, you have to assume you’re giving a gift to an
organization you trust.

 
Choosing wisely is an important first step. In a preliminary call to
every group you’d consider giving money to, ask for a meeting with a
planned giving rep. Ask what minimum makes it worth their time to
talk to you regarding possible conditions attached to bequests. Explain
you’re thinking of a donation in the $10-50K range. (I just made up
those numbers; adjust as needed.) Say you have specific opinions
about uses – e.g. direct assistance to those in need, a library fund,
social justice policy, whatever matters to you. Explain you still need
your money now, but that you’re happy to share once you’re gone.
Ask what guarantees they will give that your wishes will be honored
and a bequest will not disappear into a general use fund. Ask if they
have specific language for you to put into your will. Then narrow the
targets to make the money used most effectively. Kudos to you for
putting your assets where your heart is.

See It Coming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My father’s on his third wife. My mother died twenty years ago.
Number two was a brief mistake who didn’t make him happy and died
of cancer two years after they married. Number Three is a hardnosed,
possessive, mean and very controlling B-word. It’s not just that we
don’t like one another. More she has separated my father from me and
my children. He spends all the holidays with her children and
grandchildren. Getting them to be with us is like pulling teeth That’s
the last fifteen years of my life.

 

Now at 91 he has a very intense debilitating disease. They are either in denial
or ignorant of how bad this will be. But I’m in health care and know he isn’t
coming back from this one . He’s about to go from hospital to long-term care.
Evil Wife has been scouting places for him to “recuperate” that are not just
on the other side of the metro area but another half hour into the burbs.
So far it would be three plus hours travel time per visit. I lost it. I told
him that this is much more serious than he or she are willing to
understand and that if he wants a relationship with his daughter and
natural grandchildren before he dies, he has to move to a place that’s
closer to me and not let the B keep running his life. Now they’re both
angry at me.

See It Coming

 
Dear See It Coming:

Your years of anger and frustration clearly boiled over at the worst
possible moment. No one wants to be told they’re going to die, that
they’re not going to make it back to their home, or that his wife of
decades is a B. She may not like you but they clearly have a strong
relationship, and you have to accept that he’s increasingly dependent
on her even if you don’t like it. But she should accept that you have a
right to be in his life.

 
If this were a just world you’d have another relative who’d meditate
and help your father/his wife accept a placement closer to you. You
should certainly plead your case again in less ominous and threatening
sounding ways. But if you lose this argument, the only thing you can
do is to organize your life around at least a weekly visit. If these are
your last years, or even months, with your father, make them as
pleasant as you can. Tell him what a good dad he has been and how
much you love him. You can be as honest as you want with the
grieving widow later, though some compassion would be appropriate.

Scared

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I like my doctor but she&'s hard to get into. For the last month or so I
have been having what my aunt Sophie used to call “spells” –
lightheadedness to the point of trembling just comes over me. It
responds quickly when I eat. Yes I have been dieting though not to
starvation or silliness. When I called for an appointment I was told she
was full up for three weeks and then taking a month off. I don&'t want
to wait almost two months, especially since my Google research
suggests I may have diabetes. I have thought about going to the health
food store and doing some self-care, but I am concerned I might screw
up the blood test I am sure she will order when I do get in to see her.
Any ideas about getting to the front of the line?

Scared

 
Dear Scared:

The internet is a great place to acquire a lot of facts (accurate or not)
very quickly. Also a wonderful place to get enough information to be
terrifying and possibly dangerous. Which is not to say you might not
have diabetes. Or that you might not choose to include some herbal
supplements in an eventual treatment protocol. But it’s an insufficient
basis of information for now. And yes, taking some things could help
you but could skew test results.

 
Call and leave a message like the below and follow it with an email.
Explain what you told me and then ask that she order the appropriate
blood tests to determine whether you do or do not have incipient
diabetes. And ask that she find the time before she leaves for vacation
to scan the results to determine if it is medically safe for you to wait
for her return or if it makes sense for you to see a different doctor
sooner. This plan should get her attention (read fear of complaint) and
should get you both the necessay information in the most efficient
way. One thing to know if you do get a diagnosis of a serious disease
like diabetes is that you will need to make some lifestyle changes to
change the direction and momentum of threes changes to your health.

Crying Too

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister just learned she has breast cancer. She hasn&'t told anyone
else because we are twins and our relationship is closer than either of
ours with anyone else, including our husbands. She arrived and
immediately burst into tears. When she could finally talk, she told me
how scared and confused she is. She felt the lump and had somehow
managed to keep the secret even from me. (For the record I knew
something was wrong but she kept denying it.) I know she needs to
make some pretty important decisions. I want to help her, but her
husband and I don’t get along very well. I think he’s jealous of our
closeness. Her kids love me fine. I&'m scared too. Where do we start?

Crying Too

 
Dear Crying:

Breast cancer is not a death sentence. But virtually everyone has the
same reflexive response to the word “cancer.” We immediately go to
fear and assume that we (or whomever is diagnosed) is entering a
dark tunnel with only one way out. That’s not only untrue, but for
breast cancer potentially much less true than for other types. Yes it
will be a long road with some difficult pit stops. There will be pain,
likely some or all of surgery, chemo, and/or radiation. There may also
be smaller problems like hair loss, exhaustion, and medical side effects
large and small. But they are not a death sentence. They are a wake-
up call for her and for you and for the rest of the family to band
together and fight like ****.

 
If you haven’t already had a big family meeting to re-organize reality,
make it happen ASAP. That means sitting down with everyone from
ghrandparents to kids to agree on a plan to support her through the
process. And by her I mean all of them. You should probably be her
medical best buddy, going to doctor appointments and chemo sessions
with her as often as you can. Her husband will have to be the primary
support for their children. There are various online sites that can help
organize care teams for everything from meals to household chores.
The most important thing you can do is to love her deeply and well
and say so very often in words and hugs and yes even tears.

Frustrated

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I convince my 55-year- old husband it’s time for a hearing
aide? He has damage from his time in the service, exacerbated by
years of machine work. He misses all of what I say at normal volume,
and half at semi-shout. When I yell loud enough for him to hear he
screams back “Why are you yelling at me?!” It’s become a problem for
us socially, especially at the bridge table or dinner parties. If a hearing
test said he was within normal levels I would be shocked, but would
drop the idea. But how can I get him to agree to be tested? I don’t
want to be isolated with him. He’s also cranky because half the time
he doesn’t know what’s happening.

Frustrated

 
Dear Frustrated:

It’s sadly normal in many relationships for one partner to tune out a
little at the sound of his/her significant other’s voice. That frequently
happens over time and is cause for concern about communication and
respect in the relationship. But your description goes past these
parameters. He needs to face reality, and likely won’t be happy about
doing so.

 
It would help if there were a best friend that had credibility. If not,
you’re going to have to tackle this yourself. Either way, any
intervention will likely make him feel a little cornered and defensive.
Don’t discount, btw, the added hurdle of his fears of aging. That will
add to the difficulty of what you’re asking. But you need tell him his
diminished hearing has begun to cause problems in the relationship
and for the two of you socially. Say you’d like him to consult his
medical doctor and ask to have a hearing test ordered. Tell him what
you told me: if he passes with flying colors you will drop the request of
a device. If not, you’ll help him find the most unobtrusive and effective
one he can find. Be sure to say all the I love you’s at the beginning
and end of the discussion. But make sure he sets a date for the test
and go along with him for it. Maybe offer to get tested too.

Surviving Son

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My father killed himself last week. My parents divorced when I was
five (twenty years ago) and we moved 1,000 miles away. I saw my
Dad only occasionally thereafter, though we did stay in touch with the
rest of the family. I never found out all the reasons behind the divorce,
but I know it centered around his mental instability. My mother and I
have decided to go the funeral, out of respect for our other relatives. I
need help knowing what to say when people come up to me with
condolences. The truth is that I don’t really feel much of anything, and
I am going primarily to be supportive of my mother. I’m confused and
embarrassed by my lack of feeling. I think I should be experiencing
more than I am. Even my mother seems distraught, though it could be
that he killed himself rather than the fact that he’s dead. Can you help
me get through the trip and home to peace?

Surviving Son

 
Dear Surviving Son:

I can understand that your confusion. Your lack of feeling comes in
part because you didn’t have any real relationship with your father.
That’s understandable for someone who spent most of his life far
away, without any real contact, or sharing a home or experiences
together. Even though it’s understandable, consider seeing a grief
counselor to explore your confused feelings. Losing a parent is big
stuff and not to be gotten through as though it were just a bad
weekend.

 
As for the embarrassment and taking care of your mother, focus on
the latter. When people say things to you they will be trying to comfort
you and to express their own grief. Come up with some simple
platitudes you can say sincerely (It’s a difficult time; He’ll be missed;
Thanks for your concern.) Stick close to your mother and help her
through the time. She had the deeper relationship with him and with
you. She’s the one who’ll need a strong shoulder to lean on.

Concerned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend with cancer. She has a large support team that’s
helping with everything from cooking to shlepping her to chemo. I do
my part but I also check in with her by phone. It’s natural to ask how
she’s feeling, but I can hear from her intake of her breath that she’s
tired of having people ask her that and tired of having to keep
repeating either the immediate news or safe platitudes. On the other
hand I don’t want her to think I don’t care, and I do want to know.
What’s the right etiquette to show my love and concern and also give
her some breathing room?

Concerned

 
Dear Concerned:

Your sensitivity and caring make you a very desirable friend. I suspect
everyone she knows is in the same position, wanting to help but not
wanting to be in the way. The reality is that if your friend is already in
chemo she’s probably been dealing with cancer for quite a while, at
least months. The initial shock of diagnosis, both tentative and
clarifying, plus whatever intermediate medical events have occurred,
and the enlisting of the support group, have all been major life events
and stressors. She’s probably been asked the How are you feeling?
question at least a gazillion times, all by people who care a lot and are
concerned. But there’s a narrowing of identity that goes with that
focus that she could very legitimately be tiring of, not to mention the
effects of the treatments themselves.

 
The simplest answer to your question is to ask her. Start with a candid
convo telling her exactly what you asked me. Say, I really care about
you but I want you to be here for you the way you want and need me
to. I always want to ask, but I’m sure you get tired of the same Q&A.
I’d like you to tell me what you most need, whether that’s a safety
zone to rant and scream, or someone to just come rub your shoulders.
Let her set the parameters for communication, and then abide by
them.

 
Also, if she does not utilize a web for helping, there are sites like
http://www.helpinghands.com, or http://www.caringbridge.com, and probably
others, that allow communication out (e.g Ellen’s surgery went great
but please leave comments here rather than calling the house) and in
(We love you. Go gal!), and also help support teams organize everything
from meals to schlepping by having signups public and coordinated.
We will all face similar needs as the years progress, so sadly there’s lots
of chances to get this right.

Flatlining

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How do I know if I am in a depression? I have been tired for so long, a
prolonged feeling of real depletion. I have seen every kind of doctor
imaginable, from alternative care providers to neurologists. Mostly, I
feel stuck. I get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, and go to bed.
My life is punctuated by the occasional movie or beer with friends, but
nothing seems to excite me. It’s not physical; I’ve seen my doctor and
had all the requisite blood work and tests. I’ve been in counseling
before and know the signs of depression. This isn’t deeply emotional at
that level. It’s just that my life feels too familiar. How can I find some
spice, even a distracting love affair?

Flatlining

 
Dear Flatlining:

Falling in love rarely happens when people are as low as you describe
yourself. Or, if it does, it could easily be a wrong choice that might
distract you in the short run and complicate your life for a long, long
time. Better to pick yourself up and get some zip going on your own,
and then present in the world as a fuller human being.

 
Take some time to think about when you last felt excited, when you
weren’t tired and lackluster. Think about what you were doing, what
hobbies interested you, who you were hanging with, what was
different about your life. Shake things up. Make a commitment to try
new things, whether that’s taking an art class or getting a friend to go
dancing with you. Focus on getting out of the house more and
worrying less. Reach out to friends you trust and ask them to include
you when they do fun things. Look at your job and see if there’s a
project you can volunteer for that would challenge you. Find an
organization whose values you care about and volunteer some time.
Don’t, by the way, discount another round of counseling. But don’t
limit yourself to it. You need more than talk; you need more play.