Category Archives: Sickness & Health

No More ZZZZZZs

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was always a good sleeper. When my friends went through
menopause and one by one started to have terrible insomnia, I felt
privileged to be getting my zzzz’s on a regular basis. As I have
approached retirement my sleep has gotten less stable. I can’t tell if it
is work stress (How long to stay?, Who will do my job as well?) life
stress (What about money?, What will I do with myself?), or an actual
health problem. I am uninterested in pills to solve the problem, but
now I am alternating between insomnia and weird, even sometimes
violent, dreams. What a girl to do?

No More ZZZZZZs

 
Dear No More ZZZZs:

Nothing beats waking up refreshed after a good night’s sleep unless
it’s a night with a good dream to boot. A terminal diagnosis
notwithstanding, not much is worse than dragging your sorry tail
around all tired and draggy. Too many nights like that can affect
physical as well as mental health. Go to your doc for a check-up to be
sure there’s no big medical reason for your condition. Meet with your
financial advisor about what you need for a safe retirement. Tune up
your hobbies.

 
As frustrating as it may seem on a bad night, stay in bed and
meditate/cogitate on every aspect of the dream you can remember
(this may wake you up a little but will engage both right and left
brains). If it’s time for insight you will get some. If you do, repeat
those often enough so you do not forget in the morning. If whatever
you’re supposed to learn is not ripe yet, you will eventually end up
going back to sleep. Either way you push the knowings a little closer to
the light. Ps coffee and naps to follow later are okay for a day or so.

Intervention?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother

I have a friend close to the breaking point with stress. I and other
close friends are very, very worried about her. We keep trying to make
suggestions that she just waves off. She says therapy is the only place
she feels safe (even from our “help”), that she is totally overwhelmed,
and that “nothing will ever change.” Yesterday she arrived late before
a football game and almost took my head off because I asked a simple
question, demanded a drink, and was clearly miserable. Her husband
seems clueless about how bad things are. I don’t think she is suicidal.
Just bleak and unlike her normal solid self. What can we do?

Intervention?

 
Dear Intervention –

This situation requires careful handling. An email will allow her the
distance to listen better. Give it a try. Here’s my draft. (Fill in the
blanks with details pertinent to the situation):

Dear _____:
When you came over for the game the other day you were strung so
tight I got even more worried about you. I’ve been thinking about how
stressed you are. All I ask is that you read this email to the end and
consider my idea. We never have to discuss it. You never have to tell
me either to &%^&%^ off or that it was helpful. But please give it
time to settle. I tried to think about your point of view as well as that
of your friends.

 
I love you and I am worried about you. I think that is true about many
of the people who care about you, though none of us have found a
way of expressing it that you are in a place to hear. You’ve said
everyone has an opinion and you cannot cope with hearing them. I’m
sure you have enough on your hands. But that doesn’t mean the input
was wrong, or that you are right to block it out. None of us outside
may have a full handle on your life, but if the collective is all saying
“change something,” please listen with at least one ear open.

 
Here is what I am suggesting. Send an email to the closest people
whom you love and value. It should go roughly like this: I know you
are trying to help me cope. I am trying too but there’s lots you don’t
see on the day to day and might not understand or agree with my
interpretation of what I should do. But I value you enough to want to
hear what you have to say and to at least consider it. Please send me
a reply with no more than three observations/ideas for change. I
promise to read it and take your email (and those of a handful of other
trusted folks) to my counselor and discuss them with her. She’s the
one place I can deal with my life in complete safety. It’s too hard to be
vulnerable every time someone like you wants to tell me what to do. It
makes me annoyed and I sometimes just shut down. But if you love
me, please do this once and then please stop telling me what to do in
ways and times I cannot cope.

 

The price for getting to say exactly
what you think is to do one of these for me: [insert list of time
consuming chores]. I promise to take what you say seriously and to
discuss the collective input from my counselor. But I want you to stop
being “helpful” after you do because that is just one more stress and I
am pretty stressed out as it is. If you can do that, reply. If not, please
be considerate of what I am going through.

 
Then see what people say. Read each email and talk them over in your
safe space. I know you are always in defensive mode when you talk to
us because you are afraid we are going to give more  “helpful
suggestions.” Please don’t write this email off as just one of them. It is
the tip of the iceberg for the anxiety that your collective friends feel
about and for you.

 
So for a promise to do [X from list], here’s my two cents: I am asking
you to [then insert you single most important suggestion].
I promise not to give you more input if you promise to follow through
in counseling. That’ll be hard for me too :-). But you told me that
nothing would change. That is a very bad recipe for your future. I love
you and I am your friend. You can talk about anything with me and I
will listen. I don’t want you holding anything in because that’s more
stress for you. I want to be a safety zone. But know how concerned I
and other friends are. Please consider asking them, reading what they
say, and then considering some changes with the support of your
counselor. I love you. Subject closed – Hugs.

The Good Kid

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother is dying. My sister is crazy and greedy. My brother can’t
hold onto a job with a belt. She doesn’t have more than two years and
if she doesn’t stop smoking and drinking probably more like one. She’s
not rich but does have some assets and a modest house. But she also
has special needs now, for in-home care and assistance, chauffeuring
to appointments, and housekeeping. Only I of the sibs provide any of
these services, and I am also the only one among them that has a job,
a spouse, and a child. Both of my sibs have approached my mother for
loans. They have come with sob stories about emergencies, about
needing help with broken cars, overdue rent, and—the boldest—for a
down payment on a “great deal of a house,” this last from a woman
who hasn’t held the same job for more than a year in her life or stayed
with a partner more than two. My mother feels sorry for them and tells
me that I have such a good life. I’m worried they will bleed her dry
and that after she goes they will keep coming to me with their fake
and outrageous demands. How can I interject some reason into this
process?

The Good Kid

 
Dear Good Kid:

You can get your mother to consult an estate attorney. Someone
competent and articulate who can explain both her current finances
and needs and the options she has for helping her children now and
after she goes. You should not be expected to either fill her shoes in
administering her estate or trying to solve the life issues of your
siblings. Nor should you be expected to sacrifice your share of the
estate to their needs.

 
If I ran your show I would have the attorney identify a budget for her
monthly needs, an emergency fund for each of you to draw from
before her death, with the used amount be charged against that sib’s
share of the estate after your mother dies. I’d recommend each
“emergency loan” come with a note and have at least a minimum
monthly repayment amount. That’s primarily to encourage the insight
that money isn’t free, and also to begin to convey the notion that it
isn’t infinite. The monthly for each of the sibs (not you) should be put
into a trust, administered by the attorney, that will provide a monthly
sum towards living expenses, with a fund for emergency expenses.
Decisions about those emergencies should be at the discretion of the
executor.

Worried

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother is 85. She’s in reasonable health and certainly as stubborn
as any of her children. We all live in town but I am the primary
caretaker. I go over each night to feed her and put her to bed. The
other sibs are less reliable and get simpler responsibilities. Here’s the
problem: she’s decided she doesn’t want to leave her home. Period.
For a while she had been taking classes at the local senior center. Now
we can’t even get her to go out for pizza and a movie. Her answer: “I
have Netflix.” I’m worried she is going to cocoon herself into a coffin
much too prematurely. She’s intelligent, funny, and reasonably
healthy. But she’s turning into an isolated misanthrope, if you don’t
count the neighbor caretaker who drops in during the day. Do you
have any winning arguments to keep her relating to people other than
her kids?

Worried

 
Dear Worried:

Many elders like to stay in environments that they know and feel safe
in. It’s not just fear of falling, though that’s a legitimate concern. It’s
knowing one’s routine, feeling secure, and not wanting to bother with
the potential for catching an illness from others or having to hear lots
of kvetching about health issues. What you are seeing as misanthropy
could be self-protection. But I agree it is too soon to become a 24/7
lifestyle.

 
Have a meeting with your mom one on one, and then together with
your sibs. Simply tell her: We need you to do this for us. Prior to that
talk to the neighbor, and to the senior center. Be sure you understand
what they offer in terms of classes and drop in events and what the
neighbor can handle re timing . It’s legit for your mother to prefer
sitting in her own living room to a room with other folks just sitting
around. But identify lectures, movies, or classes that she might enjoy
and offer to pay the neighbor to take her there and help get her
introduced to other people. Once she starts to make friends and look
forward to seeing them, she’ll be more interested in going out more
often. And if not, make sure to stock batteries for the remote.

Golden Years

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I convince my family (three generations of them), that I am
fit to keep living alone? I have a few minor ailments, but I am as
active as I was in my 60s. I am 84 now. I work out every day as well
as walking my dog twice a day. I eat healthy organic food that I cook
for myself, and have a social life that would put a thirty-year old to
shame. I regularly attend ballet, opera, and theatre. I volunteer for
reading programs for pre-schoolers, hold babies at the hospital
nursery, and help out at the animal shelter connecting strays with
their new forever parents. I have enough resources to be happy, pay
my own bills, clean my own house, and except for one hospital stay a
few years ago with a slipped disc, I have not had any medical issues
that should make people think I am doddering or incapacitated in any
way. At my recent birthday party my children and their adult children
gathered around like they were doing an intervention with a heroin
addict. All they could talk about was downsizing and moving to an
assisted living center “before it’s too late.” How can I convince them
it’s nowhere close to late? In fact, it’s way too early!

Golden Years

 
Dear Golden Years:

You’re describing a life than many younger people would envy. Your
children and grandchildren are projecting their own fears onto you. It’s
not that those fears aren’t legit. For many folks in your age range,
they might be appropriate and valid. But you are a happy exception,
and they should be able to see that and treat you that way.
If you were applying for long-term care insurance, you’d have to
specific when you could no longer independently perform any of the
six aspects of daily living: bathing, dressing, eating, continence,
toileting, and transfers. Those’re the criteria for getting help, which
could be help in your home, not necessarily moving to a facility. I
would engage the services of the local Jewish Federation social worker.

 

 

Ask for a meeting with her and plead your case. Then invite the family
over for a sit-down, and together agree on criteria for a future
reassessment. Let the social worker plead your case from a
professional perspective. But then agree to a series of actions you can
take as a precursor to future downsizing, like clearing and purging
your possessions. You should also begin to document all your finances
and bills, and put together instructions lest you have a medical
emergency and someone needs to step in.
I hope you live long and healthily and die decades from now in your
bed with a smile on your face, surrounded by your generations of
family.

Alone Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am lonely. My wife of forty years died two years ago and I realize
that my life has become increasingly isolated. My children live far away
and my grandchildren see me only on the holidays. My local friends
and bridge partners are not able to drive very far or at all, and I fear
that I am becoming housebound. I have enough money to support
myself, but I am getting sad about not having people to be with.

Alone Again

 
Dear Alone Again:

You are the perfect candidate for a group living environment. Too
many people think that this means a “nursing home” and warehousing
of seniors. Not true. In this day and age there are many vibrant senior
communities that provide a wide range of activities and possibilities for
connection. The ratio of men to women is in your favor, and while I’m
not trying to replace your departed wife, my guess is that there’s
many a widow who would happily cook you a Shabbat chicken.
Explore the facilities in your city. You will find places that
accommodate all levels of health and fitness, and some that provide
“step-down” units to facilitate a graceful transition if your health
declines. Look carefully at all the costs of these places, and work with
people whose judgment you trust (perhaps your lawyer or accountant)
to help you compare and evaluate them. Talk to your friends and see
when and where they are thinking about relocating. Perhaps your
foursome could find a place you all like. But even if you end up going
somewhere new, the professionals in the aging industry are very used
to helping people fit into their new environments and make new
connections. While you are making new friends you won’t be withering
on the vine at home. Don’t rush, but do act.

Chilled

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is an issue of vanity and visibility. I am in my mid-60’s, generally
fit, reasonably social, and active in a variety of communities from my
bridge club to my synagogue. I also see the same people regularly
where I shop and schmooze, where I work out, and in social settings
from my book club to a monthly movie group. Usually when I buy new
glasses I borrow a handful of options, field test them on my closest
friends, and go with a consensus choice. I do this not because I cannot
see well enough without the prescription but because I’ve been doing
it this way my whole life.

 

A month ago I was in the optical shop to
have readers repaired and a pair of new frames literally called to me
from the rack on the wall. They were cool, modern, and much larger
than my existing frames. Also, amazingly, they’re in style, which I
rarely am! Since I have worn them almost no one—in any of the
aforementioned places– has commented, except a few friends who
game me a thumbs down gesture, or said they preferred the old ones.
I find this rude and deflating, but it has tempered my joy. I’m
restraining my desire to send you two selfies to get your opinion. How
should I handle their feedback, or lack of it?

Chilled

 
Dear Chilled:

We’ve all been socialized to look to others for feedback on our looks,
whether it’s glasses to shoes. My rules of fashion are relatively simple:
you should feel happy in clean attire that fits your body size, and dress
appropriately to the context in which you are meeting people. No prom
dress at the gym is an easy answer. But your face is defined not only
by what you adorn it with, like earrings, scarves, and glasses, but by
your eyes, mouth, and personality. It may be that people are simply
not noticing your glasses because they don’t see them. They are
relating to YOU, not to your attire.

 
I would not ask people to comment. It puts them on the spot and will
make you doubt polite answers like “Um, yes, they’re fine.” As you
should. Let people get used to them and learn to like them. Or don’t
care. It’s your face. If you love your new glasses and are happy, don’t
let the grinches get you down.

In Shock

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Last week the sister-in- law of a good friend/neighbor woke up (in
L.A.), did her morning rituals, went to work, and while seated at her
desk in the shop she and her husband owned, was struck by a truck
doing 90 miles an hour that plowed into their new building, seriously
injuring her and three others. She ended the day in ICU, in an induced
coma after brain surgery, with many stunned and horrified loved ones
praying for a non-tragic outcome, one that seemed painfully remote.

 

When she awoke that morning, she had no idea it was the last day of
the life she had known. They’ve been told by the neurologist, “Sarah’s
brain has been badly wounded. Even if she pulls through, she won’t
really be Sarah any more, and she’ll need lots and lots of love and
support. If it were my wife, I’d pull the plug and if it were me, I’d want
her to do the same.” What do they/you pray for? And how do I support
my friend, who is about to have her cantankerous, controlling, 93-year
old Catholic mother-in- law who is on the downhill slide move into her
small guest room? The woman’s only activity other than eating and
sleeping is watching game shows (with the volume turned waaay up).
Her favorite is The Bible Quiz Show. It’s all a bit overwhelming. Sorry
for the mishmash of deep and practical but this has us all up-ended.

In Shock

 
Dear In Shock:

The world is a scary and unpredictable place. You’re describing five
different problems: the dying woman’s husband’s decision about his
wife; her mother’s grief; her brother’s decision to bring his mother
home; his wife’s acceptance of her mother-in- law; your support for
your friend. Here goes:

The husband is the only one who can legally make the decision about
his wife. He should consult with his rabbi/priest as well as with medical
ethicists. Although many folks would trust the neurologist’s judgment,
this is a minefield of emotions and medical issues. I am sorry for his
predicament. Yes to prayer, but no I cannot tell you or anyone else
what they should pray for in such a circumstance. And no one will ever
be sure that the outcome they think they want or happens is the best
one for their loved one or themselves. It’s a tragedy, pure and simple.
No parent expects to survive a child. That’s doubly true for a person
with her own medical issues, who may not fully be able to understand
what’s occurred. No rational person could. The loss of a child is an
extreme trauma, as is a move to another state. Frequently elders need
much more support after either trauma, let alone both in rapid
succession. The mother will need a lot of love and help. But your friend
and her husband do have some rights about air pollution in their
home. They should be kind and caring, provide lots of tenderness and
care at the outset, but should not establish living arrangements that’ll
break up the marriage. They should at least look at assisted living or
group homes as an option, or consider building a mother-in- law suite,
after the initial after-effects of death and relocation wear off. Chicken
soup first, then problem-solving.

 
You can support your friend in several ways. Let her vent, cry, and
take quiet time as often as she needs to until the shock of all these
horrors and changes become a problem that needs to be solved
instead of a horror show she cannot stop. Encourage her to have very
practical conversations with her husband about all the on-going
logistics in L.A., from funeral to putting his mother’s house on the
market. Make sure he consults with his married-in- laws about the
relocation in case there is a different option that does not involve a
move. Assuming mother really is coming, help her get the house
ready. Prepare the guest room before she comes, by cleaning and
painting it. Make it warm and welcoming, even if that’s not her gut
response to the change. Help her use the occasion to do a household
purge and reorganization, taking advantage of the shift. That may
mean rolling up your sleeves and grabbing a paintbrush, running
things to thrift stores or recycling, or just lots of brainstorming and
listening. Make sure she knows you are there for her, and that you will
offer her a place to come hang out and kvetch later if she needs it.
Virtually everyone in “the sandwich generation” (people with aging
parents and children) has experienced this kind of dislocation. She is
neither the first nor the last. There’s probably support groups and
helpful hints all around her, once she gets past the shock of losing a
sister-in- law and housing a mother-in- law.

Confused

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How do I know whether or not to have a biopsy? I have a strange
growth on my tongue. My dentist referred me to an oral surgeon who
said it was not a big deal. I was worried, so went to a second oral
surgeon who said it was 95% likely nothing, but that if I wanted a
biopsy to relive my worrying I could have one. Nothing about anyone
carving up my tongue sounds good, from a point of view of costs,
pain, and health. But neither does oral cancer. From everyone in my
life who has ever dealt with cancer I am hearing, Do the biopsy NOW!!
From others I am told, wait and see, just poking at can make it change
for the worse. How can I make this decision? I am generally healthy,
and when I go to the internet the images they show of the diagnostic
words I have been given are horrific and ugly. I have basically a little
zit, not anything that looks at all like the pictures. But I don’t want oral
cancer.

Confused

 
Dear Confused:

I’m not a doctor, dentist, oral surgeon, or omniscient. I’m also just as
risk averse as you are regarding medical procedures, and just as likely
to fret about the unknown. But no one, not even the oral surgeon
willing to do the biopsy, can guarantee you what will happen, and that
includes whether or not the zit on your tongue won’t get worse the day
after the cells are declared benign. There are probably things going on
right now in your body that are at least as dangerous as the zit. We
can’t ever know it all, and very few of us can predict whether we’ll die
by cancer or being hit by a truck. We’re not immortal. It’s how we live
that matters, and that includes taking responsibility for health choices.

 

If money, pain, inconvenience, or unintended consequences did not
exist, I’d say get the biopsy. If any or all of those matter more to you
than not knowing, I’d say watch and wait for a month or two and see
what happens. That’s doubly or triply true if you can meet with your
medical doctor and show him/her the zit. Depending on what your doc
says, consider going on an upgraded and healthy regimen for a while,
maybe even a diet, fast, or cleanse that’ll clear old toxicity out of your
system. If the zit lingers and you’re still fretting, get it checked out for
peace of mind. Sorry, only you can make this decision and your friends
should support the choice you make.

Worm Out

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. It feels like
she&'s been the rock in the road of my life. She never believed me
when I told her about abuse issues in our family. She ran off every
boyfriend I ever had. She refused to help me pay for college. She cut
me off for a decade when I converted to Judaism. More, more, more….
She was just diagnosed with metastasized cancer and is refusing
treatment, putting herself on a hunger strike, and trying to die as
quickly as possible. My other siblings had an equally difficult
relationship with her. But now that she is dying they are bending over
backwards to hold her hand, wipe her brow, and act like she’s the
queen of the universe. I’m a 55-year old CPA in a new happy
relationship and drowning in tax returns. I understand that she&'s dying
but don’t want to be a hypocrite or give her more chances to ruin my
life. Do you have any advice for how to deal with an end-of- life
situation that I don&'t want to make worse but also cannot give her the
obedience and tears she seems to expect?

Worm Out

 
Dear Worn Out:

Assuming her body follows her will, time is short. I understand tax
season dominates most years, but you’ll have more of those later, and
your mother will only die once. Only you can know what will be okay
for your soul and heart. My usual question to folks with difficult
relationships facing a death is this: If she died today, would you be
okay? If not, you still have time to do something about it.

 
I recommend shooing away brow-wiping siblings for an afternoon. Say
you want some one-on- one time. Wait till she’s had food and a nap,
and then say something like: I know it hasn&'t always been easy
between us. But you’re my only mother. I’ve always respected that
you believed your opinions very strongly, even when I didn&'t agree
with them. I wish you could have felt the same about me but it was
clear that you didn&'t. But I recognize we won’t always have the luxury
of eye-to- eye contact, so I want you to know that I asked for this
alone time so we could be really honest with one another. My life has
turned out better than you thought it would. I am happy. But if there’s
anything you want to say to me about your life, my life, or our
relationship, I&'m listening.

 
Then really try to listen. Don’t be defensive or argumentative or feel
you need to justify your life. This is probably your mother’s last time to
tell you what she thinks you need to hear. You may be surprised if she
is milder or less judgmental than she was in life. But no matter what
she says find some way to respond to her that doesn&'t provoke an
argument. Find a way to communicate from your new happy and
confident self, so that you feel like you said what you needed to. End
with, I know in your way you tried to be a good mother. After all, she&'s
the one that&'s dying you. I don&'t think you should have to swallow your
truth but I am encouraging you not to upset her last few weeks with a
strident need to assert something that will have no impact on her
quality-of- life or your reality. It could come back to bite your
conscience or relationships with your sibs later. If you are really
happy, you will find a way to keep peace as she passes. You’ll feel
better if you do and worse if you don’t.

Hands Full !!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a dead father, a sick mother, and a crazy sister. I promised my
father on his deathbed to take care of my mother, who drinks and
smokes too much and is now lying to her doctors after a severe
medical event that landed her in ICU. My sister lives two hours away.
She answers phone calls, emails, and texts randomly, sometimes up to
a month later. I left her multiple messages when Mom was admitted,
and kept her up to date on everything. I told her I’ve been staying
with Mom since her release, chauffeuring her to medical appointments,
cleaning her frig and shopping. Now my sister has decided I am
“controlling” and “interfering” and that I have no right telling the
doctors anything about my mothers behaviors because “she’s an adult
and she can say what she wants about what she puts in her body.” I
feel as though the docs need to know that she massively under-reports
usage, and when she says she’s “stopped,” she’s means since her
confinement. What do you say, about communication with all of them,
other than my dad, to whom I relate just fine?

Hands Full !!

 
Dear Hands Full:

Stressful times like this bring out the best and worst in everyone. In
families where communication is already strained, what bubbles to the
surface isn’t always pretty. Your biggest priority: continue to take good
care of your mother. You sound like a caring and well-intentioned
daughter she’s fortunate to have close by. Re the doctors, couch the
information the form of questions, such as: What are the risks and
consequences if my mother does smoke, drink, etc.? Do that within
her hearing so she can hear what the doc says, and then repeat the
answer as needed. You might ask if they could do blood tests to
determine residual levels of nicotine and alcohol, to see if they’re
impacting her health or interfering with her medications.

 

Attempt a rational conversation with your sister. Explain your
reasoning and efforts. Tell her you’re willing to leave her messages
–phone and email – about your mother’s status, but not to be raked
over the coals for helping. Say you’re not willing to discuss or
negotiate your choices around being a good daughter. She can talk
directly to your mother or to the doctor if she likes. If she tries to
berate or castigate you, tell her that’s outside the boundary of your
communications agreement. Be sure to stress that you’ll update her
asap if anything changes. Be friendly and ask about her life, but hold
the line where it matters to you. If she persists, say you’ll call if
anything changes and end the convo. Rinse and repeat as needed.

Need It Tender

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have problems as a guest. I’m a widower who enjoys eating a home-
cooked meal with friends. I enjoy the companionship as well as the
cooking – if I can eat the cooking. I don&'t ever eat poultry. My friends
and family know that, and are generally willing to plan the menu
around me. When they invite me to dinner, especially for the holidays,
they usually make brisket. This is good, even fine, when they know
how to cook it. But many make it so tough that I cannot chew it, even
with my dentures. So there’s the problem of not being able to swallow,
and not wanting to spit it out. What can I say to my eager hostesses,
because I think they really do want to invite me?

Need It Tender

 
Dear Need It Tender:

The best time to communicate is when you get the invitation. Talk to
each hostess as you are called. Assume, btw, that they may speak
with one another. But that’s okay because you’re going to be giving
the same message to each of them. In those convos, your goal is to
communicate appreciation for their hospitality and for their continued
sensitivity to your food needs.

 
Explain that, as you are aging you have, in addition to food
sensitivities like chicken, increasing problems with chewing. You can
say that even your dentist despairs about getting you comfortable. Say
how much you enjoy dining with them and hope this new information
won’t make them less interested in sharing food and companionship
with you. Say you have experimented with brisket recipes and have
found one that always turns out tender as a baby’s bottom (not that
you’d eat a baby!). (Note: I can send you a friend’s mother’s recipe if
you want, that I have to admit is more fall-apart delicious even than
my own mother’s.) Offer to share the recipe with them, and then say
gently, Please when I come, just give me a tiny taste of the meat. If I
cannot chew it, I don’t want to embarrass either of us. At worst, you’ll
have all the fun parts of being social, and a lot of vegetarian meals
made of a collection of side dishes and dessert.

Dreading The Talk

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

During all the commentary in the recent Trayvon Martin murder trial,
we heard a lot of references to “The Talk,” between parents and young
black men about how to safely relate to authority figures in moments
of crisis. I have a different Talk to ask about: My mother is 74 and still
living in the family home I grew up in. My father died three years ago
and her life seems to have stood still. She is still able to do her own
shopping, though my kids are a little nervous about being driven by
their Nana. Many of her friends have decided to move into various
forms of group living, ranging from apartments with group
entertainment and on-call services like shoppers to full-service
assisted living with “step-down” units they they’ll eventually move into
when they are in the late terminal stages of life. My wife and I have
gently raised the subject of relocation but she seems to go deaf, or
waves us off with an “I’m not OLD. yet!” I’m concerned that if she
waits too long there won’t be a place available where she might
actually want to live, and that the effort to make it happen will feel
greater and greater over time. How can we get her to have a rational
conversation about this?

Dreading The Talk

 
Dear Dreading:

First of all, there’s nothing rational about any of this, except the
inescapable fact that most people don’t die at home. But you’re asking
your mother to talk about the subject that turns even the most clinical
of minds into an irrational muddle. Very few people are ready to make
the transition that you’re asking her to consider. You could line up all
the facts, and try to wow her with all the benefits of living in
community with other folks her age. But nothing, repeat nothing, will
make her happy about it at this stage of the process.
If you’re lucky, you will conduct your wooing to get her on board with
the idea that change is inevitable, so she might as well get ahead of
and in charge of the process. My cousin the medical social worker tells
me 95% of families who defer The Talk end of making similar decisions
in times of acute crisis, and are in fact at the mercy of the market
when they do.

 
I recommend a progressive series of discussions. Encourage her to talk
to her own friends that have moved already. Ask her to elicit from
them candid opinions about what they love and hate about their new
homes. Have her focus on the touch-feely side of things. You can do
the research on cost, waiting list, etc on your own. Start a file with
information both factual and anecdotal. Once she realizes that life on
the other side is in fact life, not just sitting around tapping her feet
waiting for the grim reaper, she’ll begin to get more engaged. Ask her
to tell you what she likes best and least from what she’s hearing. Get
in the habit (you or your wife) of regular lunches out with her, and
then build in field trips to likely places for the tours and marketing
pitches. Too many will be a huge turn-off, so build the list carefully
based on what she seems to respond positively to in her friends’
experiences and what you know will match her lifestyle and finances.
There’s no way around The Talk. Just pray she stays healthy enough
to make a good decision.

Gotta Get Ready

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer. My doctor educated me
about all the alternatives and, because I never ever ever want to go
through this again I have chosen to have a double mastectomy. My
decision is also confirmed and supported by the second consult. I know
I am looking at a long recovery, especially because there will be
chemo and/or radiation on the other side of surgery. I’m divorced,
without children or close family nearly, but I do have a robust network
of friends and acquaintances, from everywhere from synagogue to
(don’t laugh) bowling league. Though I am self-reliant, I know I will
need help. How can I ask people to do for me?

Gotta Get Ready

 
Dear Gotta Get Ready:

Now’s your chance to learn about improving your relationships with
people in your wider circle. Also to practice humiltiy and learn how to
let others do for you. Your broader community will soon become part
of your local extended family, by choice and necessity. If you chose to
hire a nursing aide, you would end up spending gazillions more (a
rough cost estimate) and you would also miss a great chance to get
closer to folks. It may feel hard to go through a truly traumatic event
with those who’re now only acquaintances. But when you ask for help,
with a meal, or a ride to doctor’s appointment, or even to come help
do your laundry, I’ll be shocked if they don’t step up and say Yes.
Virtually everyone you know has a friend or relative in a similar
situation far away. It’s a collective “pay it forward” for us all.

 
You need your best friend to act as stage manager for you. She might
be happy with a pen and a clipboard, but in the last several years
several good websites have evolved to help care teams share
information and chores. They’re also a way for you to post medical
updates for your fiends without having to repeat the same news (good
or bad) over and over. Have her investigate the web to choose one.
Your synagogue may have a system to help also. Call and ask whom
you should speak to. You should probably talk to folks directly and
then say she will coordinate while you focus on getting ready for
surgery and then well. After you are fully recovered, throw a great
party for everyone who helped. They’ll feel good and so will you. Last,
pray for healing and make the process as easy on yourself as you can.
It’s good for you to let others do for you.

Scared for Her

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My single friend turned fifty last December and started
acting like she’s got one year to live, though as far as I
know her health is fine. She cut her hair and wears it brassy
blonde and spiky. She walks around in clothes a teenager
with new breasts might be proud of. The very scary part:
She’s started visiting sex clubs for “fun and recreation.”
Having never been to one, I have to assume what she’s told
me is true. I’m not a prude; I understand consensual adults
can do as they please. But in the context of her other
changes I’m worried about her. She’s currently “dating”
three separate guys, one of whom is 15 years younger,
another married, and a third part of a swinging couple she
“play with.” Do I say something or keep my mouth shut?

Scared for Her

 
Dear Scared for Her:

This falls into the ask don’t tell category of advice. If you
just come out and say You’re acting like a sex-starved
teenaged and I am scared for you, she’ll feel judged and
likely ignore everything you say. Even a question, couched
as, What the hell is going on? will get the same response. So
tread lightly and with an abundance of caring, knowing that
if you don’t like her answers you’re likely to back away from
the friendship a little  or a lot.

 
Meet her in a place you’d feel comfortable talking about
personal matters. Say you’ve known her for __ years and
have noticed a sharp change in her behavior and looks since
her birthday. You can observe that from where you sit it
looks like a mid-life crisis but you don’t know what’s going
on for her. Start and end with I care but I’m concerned, not
about the change in her looks (which you should compliment
even if it is insincere) but in her dating behaviors. In
addition to issues of safety, you want to make sure she’s
given it all appropriate thought. Can she enlighten you?
Then listen and prepare to end with, That’s interesting. I’ll
try and look from your perspective. It sounds like there’s
very little she can say that’ll change your mind. But if you
back off at least she’ll understand why.