Category Archives: Spirituality, Judaism, Big Life Questions

Believer Again

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Over the past several years I have become more and more involved
with Judaism. I’ve been actively and successfully engaged in the world
of commerce for decades. The people I work with are rationalists,
math and money thinkers. If I say I’m taking a Wednesday off for a
Jewish holiday or that I attend Torah study, they eyeball me like a guy
in a turban at an airport. How can I communicate that this is personal,
important, and that their skepticism or snide humor is both rude and
invasive. Or do I just call in sick?
Believer Again

 
Dear Believer:
In addition to being rude and intrusive, their behavior is also illegal.
More subtle harassment than laying a hand in the wrong place, it’s
hard to prove and to prevent if it comes in the guise of humor or
playfulness. A lot depends on your self-esteem and willingness to step
forward rather than retreat. Though calling in sick is always a decent
back-up plan, Judaism encourages integrity not lying. While your rank
in the organization might matter subliminally, I’ll bet a box of Bibles
your company has personnel policies that protect you from having to
listen to anti-religious nonsense. Some well-placed words in the ear of
your biggest tormentor will inevitably get repeated and folks will back
off. Ironically it doesn’t matter if that person is the supervisor or
secretary. This is one area where you are legally protected and where
you have someone with bigger clout to back you up.

 
Meet first with anyone who’s been rude. One on one. Simply. Stop by
their desk or office and say the equivalent of: Something you said last
week’s been bothering me. I don’t know what you grew up believing or
what your religious or spiritual practices are now. But my religion is
important to me on many levels. When you’re dismissive or think
you’re being funny, you’re really demeaning yourself more than me.
But I don’t like walking around with bad feelings towards a colleague
that I otherwise like and respect. So if you feel the need to be “playful”
tell me I’m having a bad hair day, but please steer clear of religion. If
you don’t I’m going to have to talk to the HR folks. Then have faith.

Packrat

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Because of some work that’s been done at my house I had to clean out
the attic (think mice chewing on twenty years of stashed “valuables”).
It’s made me realize how much my husband and I have collected over
time. I’m not just talking the normal detritus of a four-person family
(kids grown and flown). But the fact that every cupboard, closet,
drawer, and inch of the garage is so full I cannot find anything I am
looking for. Do you have any advice for a repentant collector of stuff?
Packrat

 
Dear Packrat:
Just like neatniks or slobs, there’s two categories of people: packrats
and tossers. Packrats tend to keep three sizes of clothes in their
closets (their current size, one fatter, and one slimmer). Tossers get
rid of anything they haven’t worn in a year. That’s just one category of
household things, but you get the idea. Packrats keep out of
sentiment. Think your mother’s favorite casserole (don’t mind the
crack). They think in terms of replacement cost, and have trouble
driving by a garage sale. Tossers have problems opening a drawer and
think it’s time to have a garage sale of their own.

 
My advice: clean the attic (and store what remains in unchewable
plastic tubs). Then start on the kind of purge you should do annually in
your cupboards before Pesach and what we politely call spring cleaning
for the rest of your home and garage, Pretend you’re moving. Get rid
of things! Repeat: get rid of lots and lots of things. Recycle, donate,
Craigslist, or just toss. Decide if you really use something or are just
afraid you might need it someday. Given your nature, be ruthless,
though you may find that it becomes fin and addictive. Allow yourself
one “last box” which you can fill with all the weird odds and ends you
cannot figure out where to put, or can’t bear to part with. One
godmotheree says she carted the same last box through moves in
three states before depositing it on the doorstep of a local charity. I’d
be surprised if you don’t feel like you went on a successful diet by the
time you are done. And if you remain a packrat, you can start
shopping and collecting to fill some of the now clear and open space
you’ll make.

Jewish and Proud

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
It’s the classic holiday problem. I’m the only Jew where I work, and
everyone talks about Christmas all the time. They don’t even have the
sensitivity to talk about the holiday season. It is Christmas Christmas
Christmas all day long. Some days it feels like all they do is talk about
presents to be made or bought, shopping to be done, meals to be
planned. No one acknowledges Hanukah at all, except one person who
made a sarcastic remark about “What a bummer it is you don’t get to
have Christmas.” Add to that the greeting that every checkout clerk at
every store gives me, the “Merry Christmas” that the guy at the gas
station, post office, even the kid who delivers the papers gives. I am
sick of it. I’m not a grinch, but I want some acknowledgement of
cultural diversity.
Jewish and Proud

 
Dear Jewish and Proud:
Anyone who is not part of the prevailing culture faces exactly this kind
of issue regularly, but December’s the worst. Jews also get a harder
rap at Easter (think about the old “Christ Killers” and pogroms). But
Muslims, Buddhists, and followers of virtually every other non-
Christian faith are also either excluded, or like Jews, cast in the
Grinch-like, Scrooge-like buzz-killer role of holiday wet blanket. No one
deserves to have their holiday undercut by politically correct
grumbling. At the same time, all of us non-Christians deserve
acknowledgement that we count for more than our contribution to
capitalism’s greatest annual spree of consumption.

 
The best ambassador for goodwill is someone who genuinely seems to
want others to be happy. My advice is to paste on a happy face and
say, Thanks, I’m Jewish, but I hope you have a wonderful holiday
season. If you want to go further, you can print up little cards that say
Happy Hanukah, Kwanza, Merry Christmas (and whatever others) on
one side, and Ten Things You Can Do To Make This A Better Planet on
the other. Then list your own ideas for helping the world, like: Give
charity generously; Consume less and share more; Recycle and re-
use; etc. Either first or last on every list should be Pray and act for
peace and justice.

Still Serviceable

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been the rabbi in my congregation for almost twenty years, both
as junior then senior, proceeded by five years as cantor. The past
junior rabbi has been very good complement to my skills, but he has
just resigned. Before him were a series of disasters, exacerbated by
scandal. So now we’re going to have to go through another search.
Oy.

 

I want to retire within the next four years, and would love to go
back to my cantorial duties with light rabbinical commitments. I think I
could be a hybrid of senior rabbi/ cantor if the new hire works out for
the long run, mentoring the right choice into the senior position for
when I eventually want to do nothing. But the congregation is paying
off a large building fund debt and I know there will be issues related to
the renegotiation of any contract. Can a Jewish Fairy Godmother help
a rabbi with cope with the problems of this world?
Still Serviceable

 
Dear Still Serviceable:
You’re in great negotiating position. Your congregation must love you
or you wouldn’t have been there such a long time. They may have
cash issues, but affording a complete absence of rabbinical staff is a
much higher price than putting you on a long-term contract. I don’t
mean to exploit their dependency, but now’s the perfect time to talk
about what role they see for you in the long run and what they’ll pay
for the continuity of your presence.

 
One argument is: Once you know what you’ll be paying me, you’ll
better be able to budget for the new person. And timing is on your
side, because they need stability. I’d ask for a three-tiered renewal
contract. Tier one would be for your remaining years as senior rabbi.
Tier two would be for a reduced FTE, with full cantorial duties and light
rabbinical work (specified down to your role at High Holiday services,
how many Shabbat eve and morning services per month, etc). Tier
three would be for your sunset years, similar to tier two but with less
work, and concomitantly less money. You are best off negotiating both                                  a multi-year contract and one with a buyout clause for each tier. If
they want you, they’ll come to the table in good faith.

Semi-pro

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m an amateur artist who’s ready to start being more professional.
I’ve produced a really beautiful painting this month, just in time to
enter it into the local mayor’s art show. I paid to have it really nicely
framed, and, because the competition only accepts digital images, to
have a really nice picture taken of it. The gallery would take 45% of
the painting sells. So far, not even counting my time, I am several
hundred dollars in debt. But mostly I want to get in. There are about
100 entries and maybe 75 selected. The gallery makes money if things
sell. One friend said people only buy high-priced art because they
think it’s worth more; another said price low and who cares if you
don’t make money. What do you think?
Semi-pro

 
Dear Semi-pro:
I think the phrase “starving artist” comes from the fact that buying
objects of beauty is a luxury purchase. In the world of mass-produced
cheap art, buying an original painting is going to happen primarily
because someone falls in love with it, not strictly because of the price.
That said, what’s your goal: to get into the show, sell the piece, and/or
get people to see what you do?

 
Since this is your maiden voyage, set the price where you would with
no/low overhead bite by a gallery, as long as that covers all your out-
of-pocket costs and their take. Rationalize by saying you had fun
making the art, and if you get in, there’s potential upside to being
acknowledged and seen. If it sells, slowly increase your prices the next
time. Or experiment and go much higher, to see if perceived value
changes because of cost. Most importantly: have fun with every part
of the process. Art is an expression of joy and gratitude. If it becomes
anything else, take a break.

No Saint

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I know the High Holidays are coming very soon and I want to get more
out of them than parading around in a new fall outfit. This year, as I
crest fifty, I’ve been doing a lot more soul searching about what
matters to me for the latter part of my life. I’ve heard the t’shuvah
word each year at the holidays but never understood what it means in
a way that was meaningful. I’m not a “sinner” in theold-fashioned
sense, but I guess I do lie and break some commandments. Can you
give me T’shuvah 101?
No Saint

 
Dear No Saint:
T’shuvah is too often talked about in a way that implies we’ve screwed
up. That’s there’s a big lack, or shame about not having done what
we’ve said we wanted to, that we haven’t lived up to our potential. The
prayers during services cover a lot of that ground. Here’s another
perspective. Think of t’shuvah as a chance to free yourself from old
habits, from belief systems you’ve clung to for too long, from ways of
seeing and being that, if you can move past them, will allow you to be
closer to God. T’shuvah is about returning to God but it is also about
returning to a more elemental, a purer, sense of your self. A sense of
yourself without self-judgment and without the fear of judgment by
others.

 
T’shuvah is a return to the divine spark in you that makes you holy.
Give yourself time each day to really feel that. To really let in the idea
that you’re a holy being. That being holy is more than just going to
High Holiday services, more than giving tzedakah or helping old ladies
across the street. It’s really remembering, believing in, breathing the
breath of life into, in a truly elemental way, that you are indeed holy.
Try to do that for three minutes every day. Even if it’s hard to grab
hold of, or may slip away from you like a half-remembered dream,
grasp it, know it, so that you can truly be open to the rituals of
t’shuvah. If you do, you’ll find a sense of renewal during the holidays
that will carry you into a profound sense of change and affirmation.
You might even keep more of the commandments with a sense of joy,
without feeling like they’re a burden.

Curious but Cautious

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I started doing Torah study in a community group at the synagogue
two years ago. I find it fascinating, even though I don’t know Hebrew.
A lot of the discussion is about the moral and ethical lessons in the
Bible. There are some people in the group (both professors and self-
taught) who clearly know a lot more scholarship than the lay people in
the group. I got an email last week that also went to everyone who’s
been attending the class. It asked which of us wanted to volunteer to
give a dvar (a 10-15 minute Friday night talk) that explains the Torah
portion to be read on Shabbat. I’m not afraid of speaking in public
(thank you Toastmasters) but I’m not sure what I have to say. I’m
also embarrassed that I don’t know Hebrew. Should I accept or not?
Curious but Cautious

 
Dear Cautious:
You’re already ahead of much of the American public, who’d rather die
than speak in public. While you have the “hard” part down you should
remember to practice the way you would for any other talk, because
you’re likely to be more nervous about this than some casual luncheon
talk topic.

 
As for content, sign up for a parshah where the most story speaks to
you. You might find one where the moral lesson is something from
your own experience. The good news is that the beginning chapters
are tall on story and drama, while the later ones are more complicated
and full of laws and details. Give yourself enough time to study and
prepare, but I’d counsel Genesis or Exodus to cut your teeth.
Concerning content, take the middle path: a mix of what comes from
your own heart and brain, perhaps inspired by any of the many
teachers you can easily find on the internet. I think you’ll find the
whole process a very great teaching for you, one that opens you and
makes you much more transparent and valued in your community of
prayer. Good luck

Ready To Out Myself, But How

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I work in a very secular environment. It is filled with rationalists and
professed atheists, people who are skeptical of organized religion in
every way, shape, and form. While I often agree with them politically
(who wouldn’t seeing the impacts of the organized religious right on
politics?!?!), I am increasingly an observant Jew. That’s not to say I
wear tzitzit and say prayers all day long. But I do go to services far
more often than I did twenty years ago (then was only on the High
Holidays and some years went to a seder). I also have been attending
Torah study (which to me sounds much better than “Bible study”
which they openly sneer at). I go to a Jewish book club; they say all
the books I talk about are depressing. I recently started doing dvars
(Friday night commentary on the Saturday Torah portion). I want to
start being more Shabbat observant. But they are very used to me
being 24/7 on email and phone. Ironically, our labor attorney is Jewish
and former president of the temple. (But they pay her, not me.) It
feels weird to be out as a lesbian but closeted as a Jew.
Ready To Out Myself, But How

 

Dear RTOMBH:

Slowly, deliberately, consistently, persistently, with dignity, and
because it is your human and legal right to do so.

You have the option of just outing yourself in one fell swoop, but the
shock value will almost inevitably lead to some form of professional
discounting, especially among skeptics of all religions. It will make
Judaism seem more like a cult than what it really is: an ancient faith
with lots of value and teachings about living an ethical daily life. Start
by throwing some more common Yiddishisms or Jewish concepts into
your daily or weekly conversations. Not too often at first, and with a
light touch. But a well-placed metaphor gets people listening. Talk
more often about “meditating” and once they’re used to that casually
say “pray” and “services” and gauge responses.
Once you get comfortable (I’m talking months not days), tell a Torah
story or two. Take off for the major holidays. Eat matzo for Passover.
Be out and proud, not in an “in your face” way and not with any need
to antagonize their atheism or agnosticism. But in a way that shows
this is a good transition for you. Introduce the idea of Shabbats off-line
(no email or phone) slowly by simply not responding. When the
inevitable questions come, tell the truth. Not in an adversarial way,
but from the depth of how you feel and the strength of what you’re
receiving. And because no one should be on-line or on-call for work
24/7.

Ready for Takeoff

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Okay the parties and bowl games are over. Vacation time is past and

gone, and I finally got up the gumption to get on the scale, balance

my checkbook, and take an evening to look back at the wreckage I’ve

created of all of last year’s resolutions. Okay maybe not all. I did make

progress at work and got a small promotion, though no raise given the

economy. My relationship is intact, though a little stale, which is how a

lot of my life feels: not too bad, not exciting, but familiar and

comfortable. I’d like some motivation and inspiration for the new year,

hell for the new decade that’s gonna pack a bigger punch than the

usual lose weight, exercise more, and plan a vacation for me and my

sweetie. Any good ideas?

Ready for Takeoff

 

Dear Ready:

The best idea I’ve encountered recently is to take life in month-size

bites. This is a plan you can grab hold of now and plan, but you should

also cut yourself a little slack and allow for spontaneity, not necessarily

within a given month but between them. Here’s how it works: You

identify things that you’re willing to do every day for a month that will

influence your life. These can be things you’ll commit to doing a few

minutes a day or something more profound, but things you’ll truly

commit to.

 

Sit down with a pen and paper. Identify what you’d like to have

different in your life. Then take some time to think about associated

behaviors that might influence that change. Here’s a few quickies to

get the gist of it: Lose weight – the usuals like eat less and exercise

more. De-stress – meditate and breathe deeply. Take a few minutes

and make your list now, before you keep reading. I promise some

ideas to round out yours, but what you come up with will help give you

perspective and scale relative to ideas from me and other readers.

(Really, try this first.)

 

Okay. Here’s some you might not have considered that will help your

Imagination:

 

Walk daily: Start with something short, say10 minutes. But

every day of the month, add a little more – perhaps one more

minutes or ten more steps, but add to the time you spend

Outdoors.

 

Eat something different: You can decide to count calories, or

follow a diet, or simply eat smaller portions as your primary

organizing principle for food. But no matter what, try new foods

each day and expand your taste buds and palette.

 

Buy less: Where less is nothing you can avoid spending money

on right then. Obviously the mortgage, monthly bills, and food

are on the list. But every time you find yourself reaching for a

discretionary purchase, say you’ll wait till next month. If you still

remember, you’ll find it later.

 

Read daily: Not just the newspaper or a magazine, but a real

holdable printed book (or, eeek, a Kindle). You can go for fiction

or non-, or even poetry (which truly does sound better aloud).

But allow your world to expand with new imagery.

 

Do very little: It can mean classic eyes closed sit ting quietly

meditation, or it can mean staring at a piece of art or listening to

music, but do it without trying to multi-task. Just be still.

 

Journal: Buy yourself a blank book, and commit some time each

day to talk to yourself. It can be morning or evening, but get

used to allowing your own thoughts to have some space to flex

and speak. You’ll be surprised what you have to teach yourself.

 

Choose a book by a spiritual teacher you respect and read a little

each day: It can be Jewish (Lawrence Kushner or Shefa Gold are

great) or one of the easy to find 365 day inspirational books you

can find in January. Open your heart and soul.

 

Change your wardrobe: Buy a new silk scarf or a new hat,

something to make you feel new and perky. Change your look

and how other people see you. Decide what you want your new

persona to be and how you want to inhabit it.

 

Do tzedakah: That can be formally doing volunteer work, helping

your neighbors, or even giving to panhandlers. But do something

that takes you out of your life and into the lives of others.

 

Practice gratitude: Appreciate something about your life in a

formal and spoken way. Say thanks in your heart and share your

insight and appreciation with someone you love.

 

If you do any or all of these, or any or all of your own, or a month,

you’ll find some of them become habits. By next year this time you’ll

be happier and more optimistic.