Category Archives: Spirituality, Judaism, Big Life Questions

Coasting

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

It’s New Year’s 2013 and I am inundated with advice about resolutions
to make, most of which I need to listen to. Baseline information: I
could stand to lose twenty pounds. Thirty would be better. I have a
small savings account and a small retirement fund. But I tend to use
my credit card freely each month and when the time comes for big
non-monthly expenses like car or home insurance I have to take it out
of savings or as an advance. I don’t drink a lot but I also have been
known to have more than one and then drive myself home (if I’ve
been out with the girls after work). I have more “stuff” than I know
what to do with but still don’t know how to pass up a great sale or
bargain. I’m not a hoarder but my drawers and closets are full. Some
things, blush, still have tags on and are too small for me. I like my job
but haven’t thought about a career change in years. I go to synagogue
for the High Holidays but rarely in between unless there’s a B’nai
Mitzvah among my friends or family. I do have a loving partner and a
beautiful home that I love to use to entertain those I love. Can you
help me put the best foot forward in 2013?

Coasting

 
Dear Coasting:

You sound like you have a very clear sense of whom you are and how
you like to live. I’ll tell you what I see from here: someone comfortably
middle class, used to taking good care of her needs and extra good
care of her wants. You sound comfortably middle class, though that
could change in the future if you don’t pay more attention to your
retirement savings. Here’s some suggestions for how to start the year
off right:

 
– Clip all the resolution articles you see in the next week out of the
paper and put them in a file (including this one). Read them on the
first Sunday of each month with a good cup of coffee to remind
yourself that you do want to make changes, not in the big thrust of
your life but in all the margins.

 

– Dedicate January to cleaning your closets and drawers. Set some
very clear criteria, like tossing anything with stains. And by tossing I
mean to put in a donation bag labeled marginal. Also start a bag of
better things, especially work clothing. Most women’s shelters are
hungry for interview clothing. Keep a decent wardrobe in your current
size and one lower but make sure there’s room between the hangers.

 
– Do the same thing for your food pantry, your freezer, your bathroom
cupboards, your garage, and anywhere that you cannot see the walls
and floor. Call around to local non-profits to see whom you can donate
what to. Lots of people with much less than you can benefit.

 
– Set some weight loss criteria that you can keep to consistently.
Going meat free one day a week is good for the waistline and the
planet. Make sure you have a salad for lunch and for dinner. Try going
without carbs for one of those meals (i.e. no bread, potatoes, rice,
etc). Ditto for desserts and alcohol. Weigh yourself at least once a
week.

 
– Walk more. Start with a 10-minute walk each day and up the time
and/or distance at least weekly, though daily would be better. If you
can work your way up to an hour a day you will benefit your long-run
health in very solid ways.

 
-When you get your paycheck, put $50 extra into in the savings
account. Also start an annual expenses fund. The math is easy: add up
all the annual expenses and divide by12. Put that amount in each
month. That’ll force you to cut back on small expenses like daily lattes,
or whatever you spend money on without blinking. Use only your
checking account debit card, and lock your credit card away.

 
– Rewrite your resume. You may never choose to apply for a different
job, but this will give you perspective on your strengths and
weaknesses. Have a sit-down with your boss. Say you are happy with
your organization but want to challenge yourself to grow more. Ask
what will help both of you.

 
– Go to services more often. Or take a community ed class in
something you care about. Go to music recitals or talks at the library.
Start meditating or volunteer at a non-profit you care about. Push the
boundaries of your life beyond whatever you’ve been doing with your
time.

 

 

– Never drink and drive. You’ll live longer and so will the rest of us.

Not That Kind of Girl

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Here’s a question at the intersection of theology and etiquette. For
Purim I did what I have done for several years, dressed up as the
person no one ever imagines me to be, and that I never dress or act
even remotely like in my daily life. The costumes have varied, from an
Elvis impersonator to a drunken hooker. This year I vamped it up and
was intentionally flirty and playful. Even several weeks later some
people are acting like I meant it. How can I deflect both criticism and
come-ons. And specifically how can I make sure one very married man
stops making comments in front of other people that imply he knows
me a whole lot better than he does? It is embarrassing and
inappropriate, especially given that I am reasonably well respected
from my volunteer work at the temple.

Not That Kind of Girl

 
Dear Not That Kind of Girl:

One of the greatest rabbinical teachings about Purim is that we
unmask the selves we keep hidden. Intentionally or not you have
revealed something that others want to see in you, and that you
choose to keep hidden, or at least not display in a context outside of
masquerade at temple. Next year you might consider going in a
costume that’s not only less raucous but a little intimidating, or wear a
simple animal mask.

 
Memories will fade faster if you make less of a fuss than more. Simply
deflect any comments with sweet smiles and simple messages, like
That was Purim, this is me. Or You’re married, so am I. Or Next year I
am going to come as a Navy Seal. Are you sure you want to tackle
that? Most people will smile and back away. But if the persistent
admirer does not, be sure there are other friends present and say
You’re embarrassing yourself more than me, and implying something
that’s not now and never would be true. I know you don’t want your
reputation as an honest man to suffer because of a masked
misunderstanding. That should shut him up.

Tense

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a freelancer struggling with writer’s block. In a tough trade and
economy I’ve managed to make a decent living writing everything
from articles for magazines and newspapers to writing and editing
corporate newsletters. Generally I am easily inspired, do efficient
research, and get my work done quickly. But lately I get stalled
whenever I face an empty screen. The topic almost doesn’t matter. I
am experiencing panic and that just makes me more panicky and then
I’m in a bad spiral. You get the picture. How can I free up my frozen
creativity and start pumping a reliable income stream back into my
bank account?

Tense

 
Dear Tense:

We’ve all seen the movie where the artist rips another sheet out of the
typewriter, wads it up, and throws it across the room into a pile of
crumpled sheets. In a touch screen era it is an archaic image, but still
relevant and potent. The reality is that almost everyone experiences
the same frustrating blocks at some point in their career. They feel
stale and scared. It may look less dramatic and be more easily
obscured by other forms of interaction or productivity. The good news
is that what cures blocked imagination and creativity in one filed is
transferrable to others. And that once things start to move in your
brain they will move even faster. Think about how frustrating it is when
you’ve forgotten a word or name and cannot remember it no matter
how much you try. And then the ease with which it comes rushing in
when you stop trying.

 

The moral: unclench your brain. Here’s some tips from the experts.
There’ve been many studies of creativity lately so you can google and
get the technical back-up to why these ideas work, and maybe even
write articles about them. Stop obsessing about the negativity and blockage:
take a break. Take a walk. Take a shower. Take a nap. Start singing.
Change your writing habits and venue. Start cooking. Play a game.
Talk to friends (not whining about the problem but to increase the
boundaries of your awareness). Talk to colleagues; share ideas on
other subjects. Alll of this will get the grey matter moving again. So
push until you aren’t making any progress and then give yourself a
break. You’ll have better results later or tomorrow.

Really Trying

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For the last year I have tried to be a better Jew. For me that means
going to services at least once a month, and I have even occasionally
gone to the drop-in Torah study that my congregation offers. I’ve
taken a few classes in Jewish art and history and been reading many
more Jewish-themed novels. While I don’t feel a big change in how I
live my “regular” life (I still watch football on Saturdays, for example),
I do feel a stronger sense that there is a G-d and that I can have a
more active relationship with Him (sorry, I’m old-fashioned about
that). Can you suggest something else I can do, especially in
preparation for the High Holidays, that will help me up my game even
more during the Holidays and beyond. But please don’t ask me to give
up being a fan. I love G-d for life ever after but don’t want to have to
choose between G-d and the Gators in this one!

Really Trying

 
Dear Trying:

In this world, as opposed to the world to come, there are many who
face that choice every Saturday. Facing down the fervent excitement
of a game for the calm regularity of services of is a potent choice.
There was a joke circulating the internet about the fan who thought
that watching a taped-delay of broadcasted services made up for being
at a game. I’m not a rabbi but I’m pretty sure that’s a no-no.
While I cannot make your Shabbat choices any easier, here’s some
things to consider between now and Rosh HaShonah. We’re in Elul, the
month that precedes the High Holidays. Elul signals the moment when
summer light begins to change. When you still want to sit outside late
into the evening, but have to acknowledge that there’s just not quite
enough light to read your book as there was just a few weeks ago. It’s
the harbinger of shorter days. But it also invites us to look at our inner
light in preparation for the High Holidays.

 

 

Elul is a bridge between the old year and the new one. It’s a time of
assessment, reflection, preparation, consolidation, and appreciation.
It’s the time when you can give yourself a good pat on the back for
whatever good you’ve done since the High Holidays last year. Sigh,
but it is also a time when you should acknowledge the ways that
you’ve fallen short, when reality’s gotten the better of you. When you
admit that you’ve succumbed to the ferocious demands of the
mundane, or even made choices that are bad for you, whether that’s
to much chocolate cake or too much football. That even if you’ve
accomplished a lot in the world you may have missed the chance to
communicate as often, and as deeply, with spiritual energy. Elul is a
time when the gates of heaven are said to be open, and when access
to the divine is possible, not just more easily than in other times, but
in a profoundly personal way. Almost in the way you’d sit with your
best friend and talk about the deepest longings of your heart. It’s a
time when G-d, or as I prefer HaShem, can be that best friend.
Elul is your chance to prepare for the process of t’shuvah, return, a
concept that underlies the High Holidays. T’shuvah is too often talked
about in a way that implies we’ve screwed up. That’s there’s a big
lack, a sense of shame about not having done what we’ve said we
wanted to, that we haven’t lived up to our potential. I don’t see it like
that. I see Elul as a chance to free yourself from what binds you to the
past. A chance to free yourself from old habits, from worn out or
leftover images of yourself. From belief systems you’ve clung to for too
long. It is also about returning to a purer, sense of your self without
self-judgment.

 
Give yourself some time each day to really feel that. To really let in
the idea that you’re a holy being, even if most weeks you choose to
watch football instead of reading Torah. Try to do that for three
minutes every day and you’ll become more aware as you make those
choices. You might still choose football, but you will also be choosing
G-d. Even if the idea that you are holy may slip away from you like a
half-remembered dream when you grab for the remote, grasp it a little
each day so that you can truly embrace the new year to come. I
promise there’ll be lots more football in the months to come.

Missing My Buddy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently said something very hurtful to my best friend. I was trying
to help her solve a problem, but got overly invested in how her
problem affected our friendship and how similar it was to a former
relationship of my own. Now she’s angry and not speaking to me. I
know some of that is because of what I said, and some of that is
because she’s really upset about what she needs to do to fix the
problem. How can I get back to where we have been?

Missing My Buddy

 
Dear Missing:

The good news for you is that we are in the time of deep forgiveness,
of ourselves and others. The bad news is that apologizing and dealing
with deep hurt feelings is rarely pleasant. But once you are through
the worst of the anger and recriminations you will likely have a strong
friendship than you had before. It’s always had to say I screwed up,
but much much harder when you don’t understand why or how you did
it. To your credit, you have given it thought and are prepared to have
an open heart.

 
T’shuvah,literally “return,” is the core of the principles of the High
Holidays. It is about examining where we not lived up to our highest
standards and ideals. By practicing t’shuvah in your daily life, not just
in the synagogue or your prayers, you are really putting the deepest
mitzvot into practice. Judaism is an ethical religion that is community
based. Community includes friends and family. Being honest and open,
being willing to admit your failings is a great start. I would be shocked
if your friend does not appreciate a humble approach and apology. You
can start with a phone message or email, and invite her to a meal,
your treat, to talk things out. Restaurants are good because negative
behavior is less likely. It’s also okay to hug or cry in public, so if you
get emotional people will be forgiving. Explain where you were coming
from, and say you still have opinions she might not agree with. But
say all your actions are coming our of love and concern, and that
above all you value and cherish the friendship.

Lumbar Lady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m bothered, still, by something that happened on Yom Kippur. I’d
gotten to synagogue late on Rosh Hashanah and ended up sitting in a
metal folding chair with my bad back. I spent two days flat on it after.
So I planned ahead and got there for Kol Nidre as early as I could to
get a seat in a pew, and even saw one solo one in a padded row. As I
slid my lumbar cushion down a woman glared at me and said I wanted
that. I pointed to my back and said it was a medical necessity. She
glared and moved away but I could feel daggers aimed at me all
through services. Is this just a guilty conscience I can pray away or
should I do more? She’s a real loudmouth and I don’t want to be on
her list of evildoers who need to be punished.

Lumbar Lady

 
Dear Lumbar Lady:

High Holiday services are supposed to bring out the best in people but
sometimes we all fall short of the mark. While your reasons for
needing the seat are legit, the interaction doesn’t seem to have been
effective. She might have had just as great a need but been silent;
hat could account for the glares. Or she may have just wanted a
squishy seat near friends. If, BTW, your shul doesn’t have any alter-
abled seats reserved, suggest it in the future.

 
Get her address form the directory and send her a lovely card with a
sincere hand-written note. Explain that you may not have
communicated your appreciation for her graciousness well enough
given the pre-service tumult. Assure her that you had strong medical
reasons for needing the seat and that you’ve taken steps to ensure
that the shul has more alter-abled seats available next year, during
the nights when numbers swell. Thank her again. Then pop it in the
mail and out of your head. Let it go with the bread you cast upon the
waters. When you see her next, smile from a polite distance.

Fed Up

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been a member of my congregation for ten years. I’ve always
paid dues, gone to services for yartzeits and High Holidays, and
attending things like the congregational Seder. Recently I was
recruited to work on a committee, and was both honored and
enthused. Now, six months in, I feel like a blindfold has been ripped
off my eyes and it is difficult to give cheerfully and without cynicism.
The chair of the committee organizes everything around her own
schedule, wastes half the time apologizing for being late and
unprepared, and much of the meeting time is spent figuring out how to
juggle the politics of big donors and their needs for public recognition.
That doesn’t begin to cover my annoyance and frustration. Do you
think it is possible to change a system that isn’t corrupt in a money
way but that feels morally bankrupt to me? If so, how?

Fed Up

 
Dear Fed Up:

My guess is that there are at least some other folks on the committee
who feel as you do. Anyone who has worked with a disorganized and
self-important person in charge of their life and time, whether it is at
work or as a volunteer, has faced similar discontent and frustration.
Sadly, plain speech is usually not well received and often gets one
discounted, shunned, or fired.

 
Here’s some suggestions that may seem like more work that you want,
but have the advantage of making it clear what is being done and not.
Volunteer to be the minute taker for the next six months. That allows
you to frame what has been said. End each set of minutes with a list of
action items, who&'s responsible for doing what by the next meeting,
and an agenda/date/and time that it will occur. If the meeting start
time comes and the chair is not there, ask the other attendees if they
are willing to start with the agenda. Those that say Yes are possible
allies. Offer to head a subcommittee for a topic you care deeply about.
Be willing to ask during a meeting what the criteria are for honors, if
they are clear to the rest of the congregation or just tacitly
understood, and if they are up for review or change. Have tea with the
likely allies and listen to their views. If necessary, ask how often the
chair rotates, but only if you are willing to wait out the transition and
put on that hat.

Almost Gone

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve always been a very secular Jew. I’ve gone to temple on the High
Holidays but cannot say with deep conviction what I believe in. I am
dying of cancer (probably a month or two to go). I’ve always assumed
I would be cremated but my wife is asking me to allow her to bury me.
I think of my body as a suit that used to fit me but is now ready for
the rag bin. But I don’t know what to do.

Almost Gone

 
Dear Almost Gone:

Some people have deeply held views about death and dying. Many
others are ambivalent or confused. You’re asking about an issue we’re
all going to face. If we don’t address it directly, we leave the decision
in the hands of others.

 
If you’re truly not tied to the idea of cremation, then you should
accede to your wife. Why? Because she’ll have to face the mourning
and grieving without you there. Knowing someone will die is not the
same as having them gone. Having a place to go to, and a place to put
a stone on the marker, is comforting. It gives a physical resonance to
the passage of a loved one. The same can be true of a yartzeit
plaque/light at your temple. Grief is never easy. You cannot predict
what rituals will best serve her. If she has a grave to go to and tend,
and a place to go and to talk to you, to tell you about the feelings and
process of her life, she may weather the difficult passage that’s
looming more easily. My vote is to say Yes, and, if you are physically
able, to help her choose the plot where your old suit will spend its last
days.

10 Commandmens for 2021

Dear Readers:

This column includes my 10 Commandments for 2021.
Also, I’m happy to report I am on the road to recovery. Thanks
for your good wishes and prayers. From your lips to G-d’s ears……

 

Commandment # 1. Clean your desk.

It may sound simple but it will force you to get a handle on where
you&'ve been lately. Fruitcake stupor or too much shopping, December
takes its toll. Rather than feeling like you&'ve been dumped onto
concrete, take some control of your re-entry. Buried under the seasons
greetings and the cookie crumbs are important things you need to
remember, things you once thought you wanted to do, things that
other people expect you to do. Get yourself off to a rolling start. Clean
through email, assemble files, make stacks, and make lists. Get out
your calendar and set priorities for the next few weeks, even if they
seem routine. Once you’re back in the saddle, you&'ll already start to
feel better and have some energy.

 
Commandment # 2. Update your resume.

Think about how other people will see you as you look for a new job:
your resume is the two-dimensional window they look through. It&'s a
reminder of what you’ve done in your current job, what you&'re good at
that you, your current and any prospective new employer should
value. Update your accomplishments, list new skills and current
references who&'ll sing your praises. Your updated resume will boost
your confidence for the here and now as well as for the future
possible. It&'ll help you be ready to apply for internal promotions as well
as identify areas in which you should seek additional experience or
training.

 
Commandment # 3. Do a reality check of your career.

Survey your work life. Be honest and realistic. See what&'s fulfilling and
what&'s lacking. Make two lists: on the left side of the page write
everything you like about your current situation; on the right side
identify what you want different by next December. Step two: see
where your commitment and motivation intersect. On the right list,
highlight the words that are most important to accomplish. On the left
list, circle what you’d be willing to sacrifice some of in order to make
those changes happen. You don&'t need to start on all of them
tomorrow. But getting your brain wrapped around the trade-offs will
help make them real. Open your mind first; your body will follow.

 

Commandment # 4. Set some specific goals.

Your goals may be around those pesky 20 pounds and a new job.
Don’t be shy. Name them and plant them in the center of your psychic
bulls-eye. Believing you&'re worth the upgrade is the first step to
achieving it. Visualize yourself in the new situation. Imagine yourself
vibrant and strong. Then start every day with a mantra. Repeat
several times to yourself: I deserve to [your personal goals here].
[Note: it helps do to this quietly so people don&'t think you’re a
muttering loon, but it really does help to say them out loud. It&'s been
documented that speaking the words has an actual impact on the
value you give them and the motivation they give you.] Action follows
intention. Decide where you want to go and you&'ll start taking steps to
get there.

 

Commandment #5. Take good care of your body.

Feeling sick, tired, or just plain uncomfortable in your body is lousy.
And an unreliable and insufficient platform for accomplishing change.
Meet with your doctor. Get a full blood panel. Review any and all
medications, pending elective interventions, and possible danger
spots. Set up a program of healthy eating and exercise that’s
appropriate for your health and age. Enlist a friend as an exercise
buddy. Keep a journal of what you eat, when you eat it, and how you
feel before and after. Pay attention to how your clothes fit. Pat yourself
on the back when you make progress. Kick yourself in the butt when
you slack off. If you want to be around a long time, you’re going to
need this fragile human vessel.

 

Commandment #6. Do for others.

Not much in life beats feeling like you&'ve helped. Acts of kindness and
usefulness enhance any day. They&'ll make you feel good as well as
productive. If you have a chance to help someone, from a neighbor to
a co-worker, take it. That can mean anything from running an errand
to using your brain. Don&'t worry about getting credit for what you do,
or the time it takes from your own life. You&'ll be more efficient with
those commitments later. The same goes for assisting people who
might help you in your life change search. But do it because it feels
good and is the right thing, not just in hopes of a future reward.
Volunteer early and often. Network with a smile. It&'ll help your
reputation and how you&'re perceived and valued.

 

Commandment #7. Let others do for you.

You don&'t always have to be the hero. When you&'re offered helping
hands, take them, assuming they&'re competent and caring about your
welfare. As good as helping makes you feel, it feels as good to others.
There are times when you simply cannot get everything done that you
need to if you try to do it on your own. If it’s a choice between trying
to do it all on your own or graciously saying yes, don&'t waste more
than a few minutes wondering if it&'s okay to ask for help. There&'s no
shame in cashing in some reciprocal buddy chits and in building a
team of reliable folks for mutual crisis support, whether that’s for
times of illness or vacation pet sitting. Ask for help when you need it,
and take it when it&'s offered. Say thank you often, graciously, and
maybe even with chocolate.

 

Commandment # 8. Balance work and life.

Work effectively when you&'re at your job. But also think about what
makes you happy, what you want from life, what you like about how
you&'ve done it so far and what you want to change. This doesn&'t have
to be a heavy exercise in deep psychology. But it&'s healthy to balance
out stress and the daily grind with some intentionally non-productive
time. Give your energy sincerely and with focus wherever you are. If
you’re at work, then work. If you&'re off-duty, then allow yourself the
freedom of mind to be with the ones you&'re with. Without people who
care about you, money and success can feel emptier than you expect.
Nourish your heart as well as your wallet.

 
Commandment # 9. Make time for taking care of you.

You give at work, give to family, and give to friends. Give yourself the
best gift of all, the gift of time. For at least 30 minutes a day, let
yourself do whatever you most want in that moment, without guilt.
Pick up your book or pet the cat. Let your blood pressure drop and
remember how to relax. Make time to walk, to breath fresh air, to look
at the moon, to watch grass grow. Use your body as more than
transport from Point A to Point B. Taking good care of your physical
self will boost your resilience, your immune system, and give you a
greater sense of happiness. The glow will show and people will be
more drawn to you. People, btw, include bosses and interviewers, as
well as friends and family.

 
Commandment # 10. Choose happiness.

Remember that the more often you choose to be happy, the more
likely you will be. Make yourself a priority this year by lightening up.
Play more often. Sing in the shower or the car. Let yourself indulge in
people and experiences. Play can mean time with yourself or any
significant other, one on one, or with groups from your sports team to
your choir. It can mean learning something new or practicing
something old. It can even mean shopping. Whatever makes you feel
like you&'re having fun, give yourself a little more of it each week.
You&'ve earned it.

Recuperating

Dear Readers:

I recently had back problems and disk surgery. I have learned many
lessons that I wanted to share. These are tips about harvesting
physical and spiritual lessons from physical adversity, and about
navigating daily life.

Recuperating

 
Dear Recuperating:

One of my Torah teachers tried hard to teach me that the most important part of
loving and having faith in G-d was to be able to say Thank You for lessons
learned through hardship with as much sincerity as one says Thanks for those
learned through joy. It’s a rare person who embraces that teaching easily.
In addition to the spiritual insights, here’s some very practical tips for coping with
debilitating body issues: An early side effect of chronic pain is loss of energy.
You might be more tired during the day, have trouble with the daily chores, and
care less about what remains undone. There’s simply less of you to go around
because your body is fighting pain. You’ll start taking over-the counter-
medications but go to your doctor soon to get a handle on what’s appropriate and
safe. There’s a great website (and maybe others) called http://www.drugs.com that’ll
help you know what not to mix together. That’s fine for 2 a.m. info, but ask your
doctor for the right diagnostic tests to find out if what you have will pass on its
own or needs more serious interventions.

 

Buy the right accommodation tools. For backs, here’s my minimum set: a long-
handled grabber that’ll save you from reaching too high or bending too low. Ditto
for a long-handled dustpan and broom combo, great for when the cat food dish
slips from the grabber and makes a mess on the kitchen floor. Ask about the right
positions to sit and lie down in. You can make things much better or worse with
wrong choices. A recliner is better than a soft sofa. Buy some really large gel ice
bags, placed in a reachable place in your freezer. Have water bottles with sippy
tops everywhere you might lie down. Ditto reading glasses, books, tissues, and a
pen/paper for writing notes to yourself.

 

Take an inventory of family and friends who’re available to help. Don’t burn them
out too early, because you may need them if you have surgery later. A household
full of family may also impose too many requests on you, so make it clear what
you cannot do. Living alone poses other challenges; see if you can find a reliable
teenager you can pay to do heavy cleaning and lifting If you cannot drive, line up
folks to take you to doctor appointments. Admit this going to last a while and plan
accordingly. Eventually life gets better.

Teacher and Student

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband is retired but I am still working as a teacher. There is a fascinating,
once-only art class from a fabulous teacher I met this summer that I want to take
at the university craft center. Problems: it’s on a weeknight, from 6:30-9:30.
Parking on campus is bad; I am afraid about walking alone at night; and I have
no friend who wants to take the class with me. I asked my husband if he would
consider being my chauffeur, dropping me outside the door and picking me up at
class end, suggesting that he could take a different class or putter (or even nap)
inside the university library while I get to enjoy my Paint Like Van Gogh intensive.
He is underwhelmed but agreed to abide by your say-so. What is your verdict?

Teacher and Student

 
Dear Teacher and Student:

I’ll confess my biases up front: You’re working; he’s retired. You&'re a woman
concerned about safety; he’s the man who could eliminate the problem. You
want to do something more with your evening than stare at a screen; he could
expand his horizons, or at least his locale. So my vote is with your very wise
suggestion. The alternative, which I hope is not a severe budget constraint, is to
take a cab/Uber, or pay a local high-school kid with homework to do exactly what
you are asking your husband to do. The very idea that he might be judged by
neighbors might inspire him to say yes to your plan.
The greater challenge, at least based on most folks I know of a similar age, is
staying awake and functional past 9:00 PM. You might ask the teacher if it is truly
a once-in- a-lifetime event, or is s/he might repeat this summer, in daylight hours.
Happy painting.

On the Edge

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Life’s been hard lately. My work life is 24/7 stress. My husband is
unemployed, and it’s starting to affect our marriage. The kids are out
of school and looking for jobs. My headaches won’t quit; I have chronic
insomnia; my eyeballs twitch so much it amazes me that other people
can’t see them flutter. Yesterday I went in to the office early to catch
up on overdue deadlines. As I strolled through the lobby I heard a tin
of mints hit the floor and realized that in my flurry I’d carried my purse
upside down, and that I’d left a trail of personal effects–including my
wallet!!– for three blocks from the parking garage. Insert an hour of
frantic but futile searching, credit card canceling, and copious tears.
When I finally thought to check my home phone I found a message
from the amazing wonderful honest and thoughtful man who’d found
my wallet. We met but he refused to accept any reward. I was
pathetically grateful and appreciative but he still said no. I had to tell
my husband why I’d cancelled our cards and I still feel shaky about it
all. Advice please.

On the Edge
Dear on the Edge:

You’ve carried far too much for far too long. In your litany of life
stressors I am not hearing any signals about ways you take good care
of you. Examples of sectors you might look at for relief include
nutrition, exercise, hobbies, meditation, prayer, and/or simple down
time for reading or even vegging out to TV. There’s a host of other
things that healthy people do for entertainment that also bring them
pleasure. But right now I am classifying you not only as unhealthy but
so stressed out that your own health and emotional well being should
be on the list of major concerns in your life.
Talk to your unemployed family about what they can do to manage the
household so that it is not a drain on your energies. Explain you need
at least an hour a day that is not spoken for by work, home, or family.
If your health plan or employee assistance program covers counseling,
consider a few appointments simply to have a safety zone to talk to
someone in. Crying copious tears to a virtual stranger, even a good
and honest man, is an indicator that you have one foot over the edge.
Carrying your purse upside down is a silly thing to do, but as an
indicator of stress and chaos it is painfully revealing of the worse
possibilities you might create if you do not set up some kind of
intervention. One last: If you have some vacation time in the till at
work, call in sick for a few days. You’d be amazed at what even a week
off can do to help even things out. The deadlines will keep or be taken
care of. PS – Donate the reward to your favorite charity.

Momma Hen

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am so proud of my son I can barely stand not talking about him. He
went from not dating in high school to being engaged to a fabulous
gal. He survived an almost-fatal care accident and got his engineering
degree and now a great job with the state transportation department.
He has almost $50K saved for a down payment on a house. He and his
honey are renting in a town that is a tourist destination, so prices are
high. They have scoped out a house with a fabulous view, adjacent to
a park that is owned by a 92-year- old woman who appears healthy
enough to live independently, garden, and walk her dogs. It is their
dream house and I have encouraged him to talk to her about her long-
term plans. He thinks that is rude and intrusive but we agreed to listen
to what you say. Is it inappropriate for him to introduce himself?

Momma Hen

 
Dear Momma Hen:

Most seniors have a healthy respect for mortality, which can sometimes lead to
avoiding any discussion of aging, lifestyle changes, living independently, etc. But
at 92 one cannot live in complete denial of the fact that changes are almost
inevitable within the foreseeable few years. As a medical social worker once said
to me: 95% of families make big decisions in times of crisis. Perhaps this wise
and strong older woman is not among them.

 
I&'d suggest that your son and his fiancée leave her a note on her door saying
they are neighbors who would love to have tea with her, and ask if they may visit
soon; then suggest a date/time (with a phone number for her to call if that’s not
convenient). They should arrive with a plate of cookies and say very simply that
they are in love with her home, and hoping to buy a place like hers within the
next few years. They can ask if she has family who intends to live there after her,
and, if not, if they could explore a way for them to be in first position to buy it after
she decides she can no longer maintain the property. They may get a swift kick
out the door, but if they are lucky, she will appreciate their attempt to
communicate and follow up with at least a tour and at best a plan for the future. If
they get a no, they can start to look around, and in the meantime keep saving.

Obligated/Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
For the last five years I have been becoming more active in my
congregation. I am going to services more often and volunteering to
usher, going to classes, Torah study, and generally making more
friends and becoming part of the community. A month ago I was asked
to join a committee, the one that deals with aspects of the worship
service. I was flattered and accepted. Even though this is an area in
which I am not learned I am very interested and thought it would give
me more personal exposure to the rabbis. I also represent a lay point
of view that many people on the committee do not. Now it appears
that the person who asked me, who is also the chair, assume I will
vote with her on every issue. Sometimes I agree with her but I am not
a complacent shill. I am a smart, freethinking person. Is there a tactful
way to tell her that when I think she’s right I will agree but when I
think she’s wrong I will not. She is someone I would like as a friend,
but not at any cost.
Obligated/Not?

 
Dear Not Obligated:
Your only obligation is to your conscience and your congregation. You
should sit down with the woman that invited you to the committee.
Ask her to tell you anything she wants you to know about committee
history, personalities, old feuds, issues of import, areas of he personal
concern. Tell her you want as much of an education as she’s able and
willing to share. Say you respect that her views are her own and you
will treat whatever she says with confidentiality. But say you sensed
many undercurrents in the meeting and want her insights.
Listen carefully and respect her privacy. End the convo by saying you
want to think about everything she told you.

 

A few days later call her back. Tell her that you’ve decided that you need to                  establish your own identity on the committee. Say that if she’s canvassing votes                  on a specific issue that she’s welcome to try and persuade you before a
meeting about why she’s right. Assure her that you’ll give her the same, but no            greater, courtesy than you would others. Explain that
you’ll be most help if people see you as fair and open-minded.
Reassure her of your respect, if not your unflinching loyalty. She won’t
be satisfied, but if that’s the best she’s going to get, better to let her
know it now. If she still wants to be friends, you’ll get that message
too.

Visiting Non-Dignitary

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been asked to give the keynote address at my son’s graduation
from a small liberal arts college. I’m not shy about public speaking,
though of course wouldn’t mind any tips. But I’m just a software
designer who got lucky by inventing a game app that went viral. It
made me money and got me a certain amount of notoriety. But I don’t
know what to say to a group of graduating seniors that won’t make me
sound like a pompous idiot. Can you please at least get me started.
Visiting Non-Dignitary

 
Dear Visiting:
This answer is for you, but it’s true for anyone who’s giving a talk in
any forum other than an accounting power-point. But even then, the
intro and style could benefit from the below.

 
Form first: Be sincere, brief, and honest. Virtually any audience can
tell when a speaker is bull-sh**ing about things they know nothing
about, so unless you are a very accomplished liar, you should talk
about what you know and how you learned it. Speak in simple clear
sentences. Make the talk punchy, as I suspect your gaming app was.
Let them see you, the you behind the words, so they have a sense
that the content is real Make a point of telling the truth as you know
and feel it. In lieu of that, tell them what you think will make their
lives happier.

 
Content 1: As it turns out, I’ve been thinking about exactly these
issues. Not because I’m speaking at any graduations, but because I
just passed a milestone birthday and as I get older and wiser I wish I’d
known back then what I learned the hard, slow, and sometimes painful
way. Experience is hard to transfer, and hard-earned wisdom can often
sound like banal platitudes. But you have a chance to say something
one of these kids might remember when they need it most. Or in a
best case scenario, help several of them live better and easier lives.

 

Content 2: If I were going to give your talk I’d say some or all of the
below:
Choose to be happy. Life is too short to be miserable or to make things
more complicated than you need to. You can’t control everything and
the truth is you shouldn’t want to. We live in a world of marvelous
surprises. It’s good to have goals, and to plan to make them real. But
don’t go through life wearing blinders and with mono-vision or you’ll
miss a lot of what the universe has to offer. Leave room and time for
good things to happen that you might not have the imagination and
creativity to predict or ask for.

 

Invest in good friends and loving family. They’ll be there for you in the
long run. Ad you’ll get to be there for them. Some of what you’ll
remember with the deepest sense of appreciation when you get older
aren’t the easy happy times. They may be the crises when you had to
make tough decisions, and when you had an opportunity to step up,
help out, and give much more than you may think you are able.

 

Remember to enjoy yourself. Have fun and adventures. But also to
save some of your money for things you won’t be able to predict you’ll
need it for. Make and spend your money wisely. Do what you enjoy
and have passion for as a vocation if you can. If not, do it for fun.

 

Take better care of your body and your health than your youth may
make you think you need to. All those candy bars add up. It turns out
that your mother is right: eating right and exercise will keep you able
to enjoy life longer and more happily.

 

Learn, read, study, pursue knowledge in every form. That can mean
anything from learning a new language or a sport, playing bridge or a
new computer game. Keep your mind facile and active and it’ll be
there when you need it.

 

Take better care of your parents than you probably do. They won’t be
there forever and you’re gonna miss them when they’re not. Make the
time for the extra phone call or visit. Share your lives with them (Okay
not everything, because they’ll =forget they were just as reckless or
stupid). But tell them often that you love them and appreciate all
they’ve done for you.

 

Above all, be honest and kind. Take care before you speak ill of others.
Help people who ask you, even if it takes you out of your way. Become
the person other people ask for advice. Tell them what you feel, even                                   if it’s awkward. Don’t let disagreements linger too long lest they erode
your relationships.

 

Choose a life that makes this place we call home a better and more
loving environment for others and you’ll make a good life for yourself.
And try to laugh often and deeply along the way,