Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

How can I know if someone is flirting with me or just flirty? When we
made plans for me to go over for dinner and a movie, she said, “Bring
your jammies in case it gets late.” She made a pitcher of drinks, put
on sexy music and said, “Dance with me!” She suggested going away
for a weekend to see a concert. She loaned me her copy of 50 Shades
of Gray, an erotic best seller. I am attracted to her but don’t want to
(a) make a fool of myself, (b) ruin a great new friendship, (c) have it
get serious, uncomfortable, or stop. On the other hand, if she’s
interested, I think there’s something here. What’s the etiquette? PS I
am a lesbian and she has said several times very clearly (in public
settings) that she is straight. I don’t want to embarrass myself by
coming on to her but if she were another lesbian I’d think I was
hearing very unambiguous messages.

Could be Had

 
Dear Could be Had:

The etiquette is not that different than in heterosexual situations. Both
parties have to be attracted to one another for something real to
happen. Both have to collaborate on setting the tone of a friendship
and/or relationship. Both have to want it to be friendly, fun, and
fulfilling for the connection to work. But the very clear I am straight
could also be an unambiguous policy statement to you, as in, Yes I like
to dance and play. That’s who I am; so don’t take it too personally.
You don’t say how long this has been going on. One evening of
drinking and flirting can be excused. A pattern is either someone
testing to see how you will respond, or a personality that may be
dangerous for your mental health. If you are into ambiguity and
suffering, you can play along and see what happens. If you want a
safer and happier life, socialize with people who share your
orientation.