Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of five years. We met freshman
year, dated all through college, and the first year of relocation and
jobs. We lived together for the last two. I got a big promotion and he
was in a dead end job. I watched him become increasingly depressed,
angry, jealous, and controlling. Long story short I saw signs of serious
instability and possessiveness that scared me. I tried to put a happy
face on things for a long time, and then tried to get him into
counseling but he refused. I told him we were done after moving out
everything I cared about while he was at work. He got really angry but
my father (a retired police officer) was waiting in the car for me so
nothing bad happened. But he leaves me drunken messages begging
and threatening. He doesn’t know where I live but he knows where I
work and we have socialized with my colleagues in the past. I have
told him again and again to please get help but he just laughs. What
else can I do?

Done

 
Dear Done:

In the spirit of the High Holidays, you should forgive him his
transgressions. But most importantly, you should focus on taking care
of yourself because you are not going to fix him. If you really think
there&'s potential for violence get a restraining order. Sadly it won&'t
protect you much except legally, but will serve notice that you are
very serious about this decision. Back it up by having your father
deliver him a copy.

If you have not already done so, do all of the following: Change your
phone number(s). Unfriend him on any social networks. Post
something that your remaining friends can see that says you are quits
and please not to discuss any details of your new life with him,
especially your address and phone. Tell the old landlord about the
restraining order and that he should not relay info about you. Make
sure your ex is removed as an “in case of emergency call” person on
anything you&'ve signed in the last five years. Hopefully you haven’t
cosigned for any loans. If so, talk to the bank about untangling. Add
some extra locks to your new door, at your own expense if necessary.
Avoid places where he might confront you.

Sadly he will likely obsess until he if finds someone new. But since you
are not able to give him more than compassion and the space to heal,
put your energy and focus into protecting yourself.