Feeling Dumped

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had a friend with whom I used to speak every day. I was
coaching her in her new job (where I used to work), through
a very painful break-up, finding a new place to live, and
various life crises of a more minor nature. We were new
friends and delighted in telling each other about the
triumphs and pratfalls of our days. We would often meet for
a quick meal, and our relatively new relationship had all the
hallmarks of a potentially great new friendship.

Then she met a guy and it’s like she has vanished from the face
of  the earth. I’ve gotten tired of sending, What’s up? Emails or
voicemails. It’s been four months. I know they are moving in
together and her life is busy, but I have heard most of this
second-hand, or in brief, rushed, calls. Should I tell her how
hurt I am, write her off as a shallow user, or wait things out
to see if she comes back?

Feeling Dumped

Dear Feeling Dumped:

Virtually everyone who starts a new relationship goes
through at least a min-version of this process. In my day we
would say of your friend “She fell in a well.” Most people re-
emerge and reestablish their friendships, but it is rare for
the friendships not to be affected by the huge detour into
the land of love, lovemaking, and then either breaking up or
nesting. The five stages of new relationships as they affect
friends are roughly this: exultation about finding someone
new, repetitive story telling about the new person’s virtues
and charms, vanishing for a period of one to six months,
slow reemergence to the real world, apologetic re-
establishment of friendships.

Send her a quick email that says roughly: I’m so happy for
you! I hope your new flame makes you feel as happy as you
deserve. Can’t wait till we can all connect and I can see for
myself. Keep me posted on your joy and let me know when
is good even for a quick lunch. Hugs. Sooner or later she will
reply. Meet her and see how you feel then. Do not just write
her off. Good friends are too hard to find.