Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I live in a state that just legalized gay marriage. While I am generally
a compassionate conservative Republican, this is an issue about which
I have changed my mind over time. I have neighbors that helped with
that. Two gay men moved in seven years ago and adopted two
children (a brother and sister) five years ago. They are great
neighbors and great dads. I see so much love in that household that it
makes me a better person. Some of my colleagues, with whom I have
never discussed these people, have taken to making very negative,
even crude jokes about the change in the law. Some of these people
are minorities who should know better, whose own ethnic and racial
groups have generations and centuries of slurs aimed at them. They
use comfortable slinging the F****t word around but would call down
the heavens in fury of someone used the N word. What can and should
I do?

Had It

Dear Had It:

You should speak up. Each and every time you hear someone malign a
group in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have an ethical
and social responsibility to say, Hey wait a minute. That’s disturbing
and offensive. That goes for the specific issue and the general. You
could turn the tables and say, How would you feel if someone called
you and your family a ____ ____ ____? (Fill in the blank with some
evil stereotypes, but avoid using clearly defamatory words). That’s a
low way to fight and can escalate quickly as well as backfire if you are
quoted badly, so it’s not where I would begin.
Review your company policies about a diverse workforce. See if there
is any language that clearly bans abusive language. After you express
your dislike, feel free to cite the policies chapter and verse. If the
sniggering and bad language continues, follow up with an email that
quotes the policies, including the exact language, with the statement,
If you cannot abide by these company policies I will need to discuss
your behavior with Human Resources. I would also talk to your
neighbors. They likely have even more direct experience with this
issue and probably have some simple comebacks and good advice.
Studies show that people who know gay people and friends and
relatives are far less likely to be and act homophobic. But I’d bet that
any gays at your work are cautious about opening their closet doors. I
hope that changes.