Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been married for fifteen years. I didn’t marry my husband out of
passion, though we’ve had an okay sex life on and off. He is a
wonderful gentle man who loves me and takes very good care of me.
Unlike my ex, he has a stable job, bought us a house for a wedding
gift. He is caring, helpful, handy, and we share a rich emotional and
spiritual life. My best friend is in the throes of a torrid new
relationship. She occasionally talks about things other than her new
flame, but it’s certainly foremost in her mind. Hubby overheard us
talking (apparently the vents carry conversation form the living room
to the basement) and now is eager to try resuscitating our flagging
intimacy. It’s lukewarm at best, tepid in truth. Do I do my wifely duties
or offer him a cold shower?
Dear Not Hot:
You don’t give your age but if you are fifteen years into a second
marriage I am going to assume you have crested 40. So the first place
to go is not the adult store but to your doctor. Get a full blood workup:
get your hormone levels checked, and see if s/he has other
suggestions. Many adults experience a decline in their sexual appetite
for lots of reasons. And it’s certainly easier to be all hot and bothered i
a torrid new affair than in a companionable marriage. Don’t acquiesce
to living tepid too soon. Intimacy enhances communication as well as
physical well being.
Assuming your medical work checks out, start with an intimate
conversation with your husband. Ask him what he likes, what he
doesn’t, and what he wants more or less of in your intimate life.
“More!” is not enough of an answer, though it might be the average
guy’s quick response. It may take time (or even possibly a counselor),
for you both to become disclosing and honest. You might even be
embarrassed, but it’s an important conversation. I’ll pass on the
specifics of the bedroom, but I’d recommend date nights, romantic
evenings, kissing and making out on the sofa (no sex allowed), and
generally letting romance and some sexual tension to build up. I’ll bet your temperature gets much hotter than you expect.
PS: Keep talking because the mind is the most erogenous zone.