Now What?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’ve been in a long-distance met-on- the-internet relationship for four
month. He bills himself as “very spiritual,” into “helping people build
their self-esteem.” He makes a living as a musician and author. He
complains about being short of money but hasn’t scrimped when we
get together. I’ve travelled to his place three times and he visited here
once. The rest has been lots of texting and phone. It got so good that
I said if he wanted to relocate, something he said he was thinking of
(which is why he said he was willing to date someone far away), that
he could stay with me until he got settled. I spoke too soon. Last night
he called, clearly drunk and very angry. I don’t know what set him off
but he spent thirty minutes telling me everything that was wrong
about me and my life, all the way down to how I should put my old cat
to sleep so I could come see him more often. I was so hurt.
Now What?

Dear Now What:
The question I’d be asking is now why? This guy sounds like a self-
important jerk, hardly someone worth spending a car ride to visit let
alone invite into your home as a live-in. For someone who claims to be
about self-esteem the only person whose ego seems to be important is
his own. I understand the common refrain that a good man is hard to
find. But in this case I think you’ve proven the rule, not the exception.
To do? Nothing for a few days. See if he calls, emails, or texts an
apology. It’s always tempting to make the first move when someone
does not. But anyone who drunkenly rants at another person at the
level you’re describing doesn&'t seem worthy of much of a second
chance. If he were local, sounded more viable, or you seemed much
more into him emotionally than you have described, I might counsel a
process of debriefing and trying again. But in this case, let well enough
alone and let him dry up and apologize. Then think very carefully
about why you’d go back for more. Low self-esteem can be a very
costly frame of mind.