Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m ready to start dating after six years. I have had two long-term
relationships (one cohabitation and one marriage). It seems I didn’t
learn my lessons from the first one because the issues that drove #2
and me apart were very similar to the first time around. I took the
time to do my emotional homework, and to develop a strong set of
criteria for what I want in a prospective mate. I’ve made what one of
my friends refers to as The List. But I am a little confused about how
closely I should cling to it, especially because I have dated almost not
at all during this time. Should I practice lots of dating to get my feet
wet again, or does that just set me up for Mr. Wrong #3?
One Toe Near the Water
Dear One Toe:
I agree that everyone should have a List. For readers who haven’t
made one, here’s some basic variables to be sure you’re clear about
before you seriously commit to dating someone more than a couple of
times: communications styles (both good and after a fight), emotional
accessibility, lifestyle compatibility, values, intellect, financial equity,
humor, spirituality, sensuality, and just generally liking one another.
One very good indicator of whether a potential relationship has good
long-run potential is visceral: Do you feel like yourself, natural and at
ease, when you’re together? At a gut level, are you comfortable being
you, or do you feel like you’re always trying to impress, that you’re
reflexively critical of the person sitting across the table from you? If
you’re more often squelching a response than speaking easily, or don’t
feel heard when you say something, recognize the bad danger signals.
Here are two simplest rules of dating I can offer. Rule number one:
Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you. That can
include eliminating people who’re still in love with their ex’s or who
lust for someone else. Rule number two: Don’t be with someone just
because s/he wants to be with you. There’s nothing as unattractive as
desperation, on either side of the dating equation. You’ve waited a
long time to do this right. Grant yourself the luxury of choice, rather
than being charmed or overwhelmed by someone else’s needs. See
where your list and theirs intersect. There’s good folks out there to
meet, but many to be sifted through to find the right connection. Good
luck getting toes two through ten wet.