Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
Next month I am supposed to have a reunion with my best friend from high
school. We recently reconnected on the internet and I was really looking forward
to seeing him again. He planned to stop over for a weekend on a business trip.
My wife and I invited him to stay with us. We had planned lots of fun activities
and some hang-out time. Now I find out he’s planning on staying in a motel. He
told me it was because of allergies to our pets, but when I spoke to his wife (also
an old friend), she said it was the first she’d heard of them. It turns out that he’s
planning on bringing his girlfriend along. Am I a prude because I don’t want to
pretend it’s all okay? Should I tell his wife? They’ve been together for 25 years
and she’s put up with a lot, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t know about this.
Now I feel like I am lying to her.
What angers you the most: your best friend knocked off his pedestal, being used
as a shill in this adulterous sideshow, or that the weekend is blown?
You’re only part of this if you want to be. But get clear on what’s appropriate.
Your job is to tell the truth. And so is his. The good news is that you get to tell
him that. While it is marginally possible that his wife already knows about the
girlfriend, it is your friend’s responsibility to tell her, not yours. You can hold his
feet to the fire and tell him that, and do so without a shred of equivocation. I’d be
very clear about what your own values are, and that you’re not going to
compromise them because his morals are a lot more elastic. But I wouldn’t email
or voicemail a message like that to his home.
Communicate your views with only a few tablespoons of self-righteousness,
though my guess is that it will sound loud to him. But you don’t have to pull any
punches. And you don’t have to host his affair.