Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I had a three year relationship-ish/friends- with-benefits/one- again-off-
again something with a friend of many years. We were both single at
the time, pretty clear that we didn’t want to settle down with one
another, but both enjoyed the comforts of expanding our relationship
with physical pleasures. There were times each of us thought about
escalating to the next level, but we were not in synch, and the truth is
that each of us was looking around while we were dating, which we
both knew though never overtly discussed. The intimacy has been
dialed down to zero for more than six months. After some time off
from seeing one another at all we’ve resumed occasional evenings of
hanging out. I’m clear I don’t want to turn back the clock. But last
night he was sitting inappropriately close, stroking my hands and feet,
and generally giving signals of do-you- wanna. Do I say something or
keep my mouth shut?
Single by Choice
Dear Single by Choice:
The fact that you made this unusual relationship last three years is a
testament to the friendship. Many dating relationships don’t last as
long, at least in part because the people don’t have enough in
common. And many friendships that try what you did don’t survive the
experiment. It’s hard to make it a successful relationship with each of
you having one foot out the door, but good that you’ve kept the core
of your relationship intact. If it took six months to get yourselves
emotionally clear, why entangle again? If the door is shut, you are
wise to keep it shut, especially if you are now single and looking to
date. That’s a message you should try and convey, though perhaps
better without it feeling like a rebuke and rejection.
When you’re together, avoid lots of hugging and touching. And next
time you have a heart-to- heart say you’re finally ready to start dating
again. Tell him how valuable your time together was to your psyche
(and your body). If he asks, what about us, look him in the eye and
say, We both know the answer. Ask if he’ll be able to hear about your
triumphs and foibles dating others. He may not say yes at first, but
he’ll come around.