Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I think my brother needs more help than he’s getting. He’s mid-40s
and lives with our mother. He’s gay but that’s not the problem. He
works in an elder care home; it’s a job, not a career, but it does
provide a steady income and benefits. Our mother provides room,
food, utilities, everything that comes with home. All David has to pay
for is his car and eating out (which he does a lot of) and to pay down
his debts, from college (which he finished late) and from a wild
lifestyle (which he claims is over, but the debt remains). Today he
showed up at my door ranting about our mother, and about how he
can’t take it anymore or move on with his life while he’s “stuck with
her.” Really what he wants is a vacation to Key West and some time to
blow off steam but doesn’t have money to pay for it (God only knows
why). I think he was off his meds, starting which helped him get
straightened out five years ago. I was worried that he might go crazy
around my mother, who has a bad heart. He’s in counseling but I don’t
think it’s working.
Sis
Dear Sis:
I assume you talked him down from the immediate crisis. Start by
talking to him again, when he’s not/less agitated. Have a list of issues
you want to discuss and work with him to set goals for each: paying
down his debt, saving for vacation, perhaps getting a new job, but also
planning how to move out and become an adult. (I’m assuming your
mother doesn’t need him in the home.) Being in a child-like state for
too long will inevitably lead to built-up rage. But what you’re
describing sounds over the line. Ask your mother if she feels safe and
if not, help get him out of her house sooner.
Ask if you can go to a counseling session with him, so there’s someone
else hearing what you want to say to him. If he says no, email or call
the counselor and express your concerns in detail. While s/he might
not agree to meet you on your own, my guess is that what you say will
get heard and will influence the treatment plan. No matter what, keep
in touch with your brother and take his emotional temperature
regularly.