Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in a wonderful new relationship. It has been three months and I
don’t think I could be happier. He is sweet, funny, charming,
intelligent, and kind. We share similar values, hobbies, and politics. So
far my friends all like him, though his are far away (he just moved
here). The problem is that I have very strict orders from my doctor to
lose twenty pounds before an impending knee surgery this winter. I
am working with a dietician and changing how I eat. My new beau is a
foodie and we go to great restaurants. I am pretty good about what I
order for a main course, but he is always suggesting that we have
drinks, bread, appetizers, and desserts, and acts hurt when I demur or
don’t show the same enthusiasm about them. He is a big guy and
could lose some weight himself, but that’s between him and his
body/doc. I just need to stay on my program. How can I explain this
without ruining what could be a great thing?

Trimming

 
Dear Trimming:

Virtually every new relationship looks great in the first three months,
even six if you are lucky. Then the true issues begin to emerge. That’s
not to say they are fatal, just that they need to be addressed, and the
more difficult issue of how you communicate when things are less rosy
can quickly become the focus of how you relate, not just the kissing
and hugging and being happy.
You can start by reminding him when he wants you to order more than
you want to eat that you are trying very hard to follow your doctor’s
orders. You can try to allocate your calories/carbs/etc to allow a little
extra splurge for the times when you two are out, but he should be
willing to hear a No thanks when you order the same way you have
the right to respond Not tonight, dear. You get to decide what to do
with your body, and you should not be pressured (actively or
passively) into doing something else. There are legitimate health
reasons for your decisions, and if he is a keeper for the long run, he
will respect and support them. If not, you will have had a delightful
interlude, and have new criteria to add to your list when you start your
next relationship. I hope he is a mensch, and can be supportive and
encouraging, or at least not subversive to your efforts to get healthy.
Because if he’s not helping now, he probably won’t be a reliable person
post-surgery. Speak simply and clearly, and be consistent in your
behavior. Then hope he steps up. If not, think about new boundaries
for the relationship.