Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This question is at the intersection of my health and my
marriage. My husband and I have been together for 25
years and the pounds have crept onto both of us. Okay we
ate our way fat, but for a very long time we didn’t encounter
any major health issues, just vanity and wardrobe. Then he
was diagnosed diabetic and was told to lose weight. He did,
but he found even more pounds and is back where he
started plus 10. I now have a mandate from my doctor to
immediately drop 20 pounds. I’ve put myself on a very
specific food and exercise regimen, but my husband seems
determined to undercut it. He brings home ice cream and
cookies saying “We deserve treats.” and he keeps inviting
me to late evening concerts and events that seem to
undermine my commitment to early workouts. I’d like him to
be alive longer too, but right now I’m most concerned about
me. What should I do?

Urgent

 
Dear Urgent:

Every relationship develops its own communications style.
Sadly, passive aggressiveness has crept into yours, teamed
up with long-term denial. It’s a scary and potentially deadly
combo to leave in charge.
You’re overdue for a serious conversation with your hubby.
You need to agree that you won’t be each other’s food
police, but also that you will commit to standards for the
household that you will both honor. Those standards can
whatever you want, but he needs to honor your
commitment, even if he won’t agree to toe the same line for
himself. Why not give him a special place for his stash: a
corner the freezer where you never look (say, behind the ice
cube tray) for hi, and a corner cupboard very high up for his
cookies. Simply say, The only other thing I’m asking is that
you not offer it to me or eat it in front of me. I’ll let you
know when I think I’ve earned a treat. Then it’s up to you
set the alarm every morning to get to the gym. If you’re up
for an evening event, agree on a come home time or tell him
that if it means taking separate cars you’ll do it. This may
take the next three months or even six, but I promise he’ll
get more on board when he sees how happy you are with
success.