Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Five months ago my wife and I agreed to divorce. Since then she has
been looking for jobs in another area and I have moved to the guest
room. It was originally her idea but she will not discuss anything
specific.. I know she wants to move on with her life, as do I. I want to
keep the house, which she does not. She wants to keep her big 401K.
But while I have quietly consulted a lawyer to know where I stand, I
don’t know how get the conversation with her moving. I cannot live in
this limbo forever.


Dear Waiting:

You need to have a conversation that starts with How do you think
we’re going to move forward with this process? Then you need to let
her answer. Being quiet at first is the hard part. The second hard part
is pushing her to speak if she doesn’t answer.

I’m sure that from her point of view it is also somewhat uncomfortable
living together in limbo. But she’s planning on leaving you and the
area, so short-run changes do not benefit her very much. She’s likely
counting on your passivity to help her wait things out. But divorces are
not instantaneous. They require planning, discussion, and compromise
if you are lucky, and litigation if you are not. A visit to a lawyer on
your own is a good first step to understand the general lay of the land.


But until you get together in a room with your wife and two lawyers or
one mediator plus your documented assets and start talking about
what you want as opposed to guessing, you are making your life
harder than it needs to be. Five months is way past time to make
things real. Stop waiting for her to act and get them moving.