Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I have a dating question. I recently (five months ago) started doing
online dating. I know that many people my age (late 50s) have been
doing this for ages but I have been cautious, given all the horror
stories you hear about people misrepresenting themselves. But three
months ago I met someone I genuinely like. We have many interests
in common (though also many that are wildly different), and have a
super good time each time we connect. She lives about an hour away
so there’s a lot of driving, which as been fine in summer (but may be
less so in winter). It’s like a mini vacation to go and explore a different
community (a happening college town). She has a beautiful home, and
likes my insights and advice about decorating. It feels both
companionable and energizing, which is a great combination. But even
though I am very attracted to her, there is nothing physical going on.
We finally talked about it the other night (we text or talk most days).
She claims she is “post-sexual” and doesn’t expect to be intimate
again. This from a woman whom I know has a history of intimacy.
Plus, I met her on a dating site ?!? Am I barking at the wrong gal?
Wants More
Dear Wants More:
There are two options to your problem. The first is that she is just
saying that because she has been burned by lightening-fast romances
in the past and genuinely wants to get to know a whole lot better
before she gets physical. The “post sexual” may be a veil that she is
wearing for a period of time. There are, btw, genuine joys of letting
fires and anticipation build before a conflagration of consummation. I’d
counsel a wide range of friendly companionability, cheeky flirtation,
romantic little gestures, and true sincerity. Patience, at least for
another month or two. Then revisit your relationship conversation. At
worst you’ve made a great new friend.
Option B: Take her at her word and enjoy her as a friend without the
flirty and romantic gestures. Continue your search with online dating.
Start to seed your conversations with Ms. Post with little bits of info
about people whose profiles you have scanned or who have contacted
you. If she turns towards you, revert to option A. If nothing changes,
keep looking.