Dutiful Daughter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My mother died a year ago. My sibs and I have been to services virtually every
week to say Kaddish and planned the headstone unveiling to coincide with what
would have been her 105 th birthday. With the family gathered and a service
conducted, we pulled off the covering and were horrified to find that her birthday
was wrongly engraved on the stone. I’d paid more than two thousand dollars
deposit (half the bill) to have a headstone for her that matched my father’s. It was
more than unsettling to have this happen with the whole family present,
especially because one of my brothers has been having major emotional issues.
I of course was scared I had screwed up but when I went home and dug out the
proof from the order I found that it was correct. I’d even had the rabbi check the
Hebrew. The stonemason must have made a mistake. How should I convey my
displeasure to the company and what kind of compensation should I ask for? If it
matters, I’m an attorney and my correspondence with them has all been on my
office email account.

Dutiful Daughter

 
Dear Dutiful Daughter:

I would leave a voicemail that sounds very distraught and let them
know you will be following up by email asking for mitigation and
remediation. Then do so. Be sure to stress how upsetting it was to the
assembled family and friends and how it disturbed a ritual and solemn
occasion with unnecessary pain and suffering. The last phrase has
vaguely threatening implications without specifically saying you’re
going to sue them. Then ask what the timeline is for correcting the
mistake, and whether they will replace the whole stone or correct the
defect (and how). But stress that it was to match your father’s and
that is why you chose that company. End by asking what they think is
an appropriate and fair discount. Be sure to attach a copy of the proof
to your email.

 
If they reply that they will replace the stone at no additional charge
beyond your deposit, you have gotten as good as you can get, pain
and suffering notwithstanding. If they say less, tell them you will
consider your options and reply after they have completed replacing
the stone. Then ask for half again less than what they offer. It’s
unlikely they will argue hard. Be sure to visit the grave yourself before
you pay another penny.

Middle Gal

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was in Human Resources for thirty years and was quite good at it. A
friend of a friend asked if I would help with a job search for her new
receptionist/scheduler, a part-time position in her physical therapy
clinic. I agreed to do it, in exchange for a few free sessions and an
exercise plan for my aches and pains. After she posted the position
she told me that one of the applicants was a young woman who had
been dating her son through and since high school (seven years),
whom she really loves and hopes will become her daughter-in-law.

 

She said we wanted a buffer in case the young woman was not the
right applicant, and to have an interview that would be professional
and objective. I felt a little sandbagged but agreed. Bottom line is that
the young woman presents herself very well, but does not have any of
the technical skills (electronic medical records, Excel, and more) that
the PT requires. In addition, when I called a friend who works where
she does, I heard some things that would give me pause even if she
were well qualified. There are several other, better qualified,
applicants. Do I just aim her their way or tell the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

Middle Gal

 
Dear Middle Gal:

I think you do what you agreed to do: help the PT identify the best
candidates, and do not include the future daughter-in-law in the mix.
If you have three candidates who are truly more qualified, your job is
easy and you can easily explain your rankings to the PT based on the
requisite experience and skills for the job. You could rank the future
DIL fourth and suggest that she interview her last, after the more
qualified candidates. That allows her the benefit of hearing for herself
what others bring to the table. Then, if she still wants to hire the
future DIL it is her decision and made for non-professional reasons.
Unless what you heard was so egregious that it endangers the health
or safety of the future family, I would back channel to your friend that
there were more qualified applicants and to please keep what she told
you confidential. Seven years is a long time for a mother to inspect a
future daughter-in-law. One conversation should not derail that, even
if she doesn’t get the job.

Flying Solo

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am newly retired and newly single at pretty much the same time. My husband
and I parted amicably, as such things go, because we realized we had very
different ideas about what we wanted to do with our newfound freedom. We
could have stayed together but honestly, after many sessions in counseling and
with one another, we realized that we were more excited about the idea of facing
life alone than together, with the proviso that if either of us really needed help, as
in facing a serious medical crisis, we would ask the other what would be
possible. So if we don’t find the new connections we hope to, there is some faint
hope of getting back together, though probably not legally, once we’ve paid for
the legalities of separation. My friends think I am nuts, especially the ones who
have been single for so long, and I think would love to find a nice guy like my
hubby. Once they know him intimately that might not be true, but for now they’re
talking about having my head examined. How can I explain that after forty years
of togetherness, I am ready to be responsible only for myself?

Flying Solo

 
Dear Flying Solo:

There’s an interesting knowledge gap in your question. You know far
more about your husband and your marriage than your friends,
regardless of what you’ve said over the decades, and the single ones
know much more about being single than you do. That’s a
conversation worth having, though perhaps not so quickly with a
“friend” who wants to supplant you in the marriage bed.

 
Being a senior single has its own perils and pleasures. Yes you are not
responsible for another person 24/7, which might be especially
onerous as medical complications increase. But like the great 30 Rock
scene where Alec Baldwin tells Tina Fey she might die choking in her
own home without anyone there to save her, the downsides of alone
are tangible and not always comic. If you are genuinely good buddies
you could suspend the “cleave only unto one another” part of the vows
and take some exploratory down time. But if you are both set on
freedom, then do all the legal niceties and do your best to keep it
amicable. I’ve seen it work, and seen it fail, but good intentions
matter. Tell your friends what you told me: It’s time. I’m happy. So is
he. Wish us well. And then go forth and do whatever it is you’ve been
longing to.

Not Cheap

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was recently invited to a 70th birthday party with for someone who
I’ve known casually from synagogue, volunteer work, local politics,
and mutual social. The invitation said “No cards, no gifts” so I wrote a
lovely card and was happy to attend a brunch at supper that turned
out to be more like a dinner. There were piles of political bumper
stickers and window signs to support various causes, which I took to
honor our mutual values. I saw many people I knew, and each one
came in bearing a gift. I was somewhat confused because I felt like I
had followed the rules. This is a community of like-minded souls but I
was surprised that I felt as badly as I did. Should I apologize
retroactively or just let it go?

Not Cheap

 
Dear Not Cheap:

When a host tells you what to do about gifts, I take them at their
word. There’s a big range in desires: some people make a list of
charities to contribute to while others request gifts from the registry
where they have identified what they want down to the brand, size,
and color. It’s completely at the discretion of the celebratee/host to
ask guests, and of the guest to do what they want and feel is right. I,
for example, loathe giving gift cards, while others think it is the perfect
solution.

 
In this case you should send an email and basically say, I saw a lot of
folks come in with gifts, which I understood was not what you wanted.
I felt badly, because I value our friendship, which has evolved from so
many different strands in our lives. Please let me know which of the
following places you would love me to make a donation to in your
name. Then include a list of organizations that you feel reflect your
mutual values, focusing on the ones that support the signs she had
provided for guests.

On Her Side

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A friend and I agreed to be diet buddies. I have about 20 maybe 30
pounds to lose. She has well over 100 and has a history of non-
compliance, but is now facing very serious health issues that she
swears have motivated her to change her ways. Since I figured I
would succeed faster than her on pretty much any program she would
choose, I allowed her to decide which of the multiple possibilities we
would pursue, as long as it included many servings of veggies and
fruits every day. We also agreed on alternate days to cook and share
entrees. Here’s the problem: No matter what she makes it always
includes more fat or some form of sweetener or something that is
antithetical to the program and success we agree. We agreed to do
this together for a month but honestly two weeks in I don’t find her a
reliable buddy. I want her to live and lose weight but I don’t know that
she’s capable of following rules. I want to keep her as a friend, but not
as a diet buddy. How can I tell her that?

On Her Side

 
Dear On Her Side:

This is a classic problem among people who claim to have similar goals
but do not. There’s also a simple solution. What you need to do is
invite her for tea, not at your house and not at her house. When you
get together ask her what her goals are for dieting. Then listen after
she answers be sure to listen and confirm that she’s being consistent
in her words if not in her actions. Then say very clearly, My goals of
the same but I want to not do the food trade because your
interpretation of the rules is looser than my timeline for weight loss.
Add in that you’re happy to continue an emotional support relationship
and also to listen to her tsoris about how hard it is to lose but make it
very clear that you want to follow rules.

 

 

In truth, a person with serious health issues and more than 100
pounds to lose needs to be under a doctor’s supervision, not choosing
her own program. Sure, unless people are under lock and key, it is
difficult to keep anyone from cheating. But generally speaking, a
doctor saying You are going to die unless you do X, Y, Z, it is far more
motivating than a friend.

Weighted Down

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What do you do when you are given not just one but two first, and you like
neither of them? A good friend asked me to read a book with her that I have zero
interest in (it is non-fiction, about topics I don’t care about, and is a small-print
paperback unfit for my aging eyes). She also gave me a piece of pottery heavy
enough to serve as a boat anchor, that I am serious considering using as a
doorstop. She kept asking if I liked them, saying none of her other friends like her
gifts, so what was I to do? I was more honest about the book, and said how
much I liked the art. I’m in divesting mode, not acquiring mode. Now what?

Weighted Down

 
Dear Weighted Down:

It’s awkward to reject a gift outright, especially when the giver is sitting there
asking you directly. Demurring on the book was a wise choice, as time is
especially precious as we age. I would wait a few weeks, but before the next time
you see her, return the book and say you simply don’t have the time to devote to
it. Tell her that you’re willing to co-read a book and talk about it, but you want it to
be a book you both agree on.

 
Re the pottery, keep it displayed for a while when she is around so she sees that
you value it. Then you can “disappear” it quietly. If she notices you can say that a
dear friend was visiting and loved it on sight, and asked if you would give it to her
for her birthday. It is what we used to call a white lie, which is technically a lie, but
will protect your friend’s feelings. Before the next gift-giving occasional talk about
your desire to downsize, and say you’re asking friends to pledge experiences,
not gifts, as time goes on.

Hopeless and Helpless

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My 13-year old son has a very disruptive syndrome called POTS. You
can Google it but assume headaches, weakness, food issues, nausea,
exercise intolerance, temperature sensitivity (in both directions), heart
palpitations…the list is long It has disrupted his life for years but we
finally have a diagnosis. He is doing poorly at school, in part after
missing a few weeks after a bad fall. We tried a tutor (a retired high-
school teacher) but they did not get along. We are at our wit’s end and
are thinking of hiring a nanny. Money is not an issue, at least for the
next year or two till we get him stabilized and past what we fear might
be such low-self-esteem that he could become suicidal. Where do we
start? What do we need to in order to find the right person?

Hopeless and Helpless

 
Dear Hopeless:

You start by using a word other than nanny, because no 13-year old
male wants to be infantilized, regardless of his health needs. Tutor,
Buddy, Helper…find a word he can handle. Then summarize the
situation in a short document so that when you talk to people they
have answers to the questions anyone would want to about.
Re your son: What’s his personality like? What types of people does he
relate well/badly with? Does he have behavioral issues? If yes, what
sets him off/brings him back? How does he respond to authority? Does
he think he needs help? How does he relate to his condition? What is
his emotional state now? Is he in counseling? What is his medical
prognosis? Any idea if puberty makes it worse or better? Does he have
friends, peer group, girlfriend, etc? Does he have hobbies, interests,
focal points for engagement other than school? What subjects does he
need the most help in? Will he be in summer school?

 

Re the helper: What hours? Weekdays/weekends? What pay per hour?
Tutoring expectations and expertise? Subject area needs? Medical
training (even just first aid) and/or knowledge re timing/interventions?
Or just as simple as eat/drink now? Location? Car required? Mileage?
Additional useful skills?

 
I like the idea of a team approach. Have someone (perhaps you but
not necessarily) be a team lead and get your son engaged in the
process. You don’t want him to think he’s having an actual nanny.
Rather a cluster of supports, some slightly older role
models/tutors/college-aged, and also others to engage him in new
activities that will support self esteem (perhaps art or music?) and
even organize activities he can bring a buddy or two along on so he
feels less “different.” This a long-run challenge. I’m glad you have the
resources to help him.

Outraged

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Next month I am supposed to have a reunion with my best friend from high
school. We recently reconnected on the internet and I was really looking forward
to seeing him again. He planned to stop over for a weekend on a business trip.
My wife and I invited him to stay with us. We had planned lots of fun activities
and some hang-out time. Now I find out he’s planning on staying in a motel. He
told me it was because of allergies to our pets, but when I spoke to his wife (also
an old friend), she said it was the first she’d heard of them. It turns out that he’s
planning on bringing his girlfriend along. Am I a prude because I don’t want to
pretend it’s all okay? Should I tell his wife? They’ve been together for 25 years
and she’s put up with a lot, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t know about this.
Now I feel like I am lying to her.

Outraged

 
Dear Outraged:

What angers you the most: your best friend knocked off his pedestal, being used
as a shill in this adulterous sideshow, or that the weekend is blown?
You’re only part of this if you want to be. But get clear on what’s appropriate.
Your job is to tell the truth. And so is his. The good news is that you get to tell
him that. While it is marginally possible that his wife already knows about the
girlfriend, it is your friend’s responsibility to tell her, not yours. You can hold his
feet to the fire and tell him that, and do so without a shred of equivocation. I’d be
very clear about what your own values are, and that you’re not going to
compromise them because his morals are a lot more elastic. But I wouldn’t email
or voicemail a message like that to his home.

 
Communicate your views with only a few tablespoons of self-righteousness,
though my guess is that it will sound loud to him. But you don’t have to pull any
punches. And you don’t have to host his affair.

Tip Toe

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I care a lot about my friends. Perhaps that’s because all my blood
relatives are dead or live far away. So my fiends are the biggest part
of my life for social engagements and emotional comfort. When one of
us is sick, the others rally round. Lately I’ve seen “slippage” in a friend
that is part of a weekly bridge game. She seems to have trouble telling
a story (even one we’ve all heard before) and makes more mistakes
on a regular basis than we are used to. Her physical health seems fine
but there is a feeling of hesitation, like she is working very hard to
maintain the organization of her life and it is taking a lot more out of
her than she has on reserve. She was once a very accomplished
pianist but has stopped playing. There are more symptoms, though I
do not know if other people are seeing them and I don’t want to gossip
about her. Is there a delicate way to start a conversation about what I
am afraid is a serious decline in her mental health?

Tip Toe

 
Dear Tip Toe:

You can approach this overtly or covertly. Overtly would be to say,
gently, [Name], you seem more absent-minded lately. Is everything
ok or is something bothering you that you want to talk to someone
about? I don’t want to be an alarmist, but if this is health related,
better look into it sooner than later. More covertly would be to claim
you are having the symptoms that you attributing to her. Then the
convo goes more like, I’m concerned because I feel more absent
minded lately. I’m going to do some research, online and with the
relevant support groups. Will you please be my partner and ally in this
educational process? I want us sharp for a long long time!

 
If you have any connection with a younger relative of hers, you could
ask if they are seeing any signs of slippage. The family has a strong
vested interest in catching things early. But if you talk to any third
person, be it family or friend, know that it will inevitably get back to
her. So start with her to create a safe space, and then see what she
says. No matter what, it behooves all of us to know symptoms of not
only aging, which includes the proverbial senior moments, but of more
serious conditions. Aging has blessings and curses, but most f the time
they outweigh the alternatives.

Peeved

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was asked to give input for the first annual review of a new rabbi in
our synagogue. Generally I like him, but like any newcomer to a
community that has long history, he has fallen into some bad habits,
and clearly has been influenced by a political clique that sees him as a
fast-track to accomplish ideas that much of the more mainstream
congregation has resisted for a long time. I was interviewed by a
member of that group (who is on the Board) and was not as discreet in
delivering my point of view as I suppose I should have been. Now I am
hearing myself misquoted by people who were not in the room, or on
the Board, even though I was assured the process was completely
confidential. Should I attempt to set things right or just let it blow
over?

Peeved

 
Dear Peeved:

Politics and gossip go hand in hand like so many other ills. Both are
difficult to control or suppress, and like the feathers once released
from a pillow, can spread far and wide with no one to contradict the
rumors or speak your truth except you. That said, the more you
inflame a controversy or story, the more energy you give it. My
recommendation is to be very focused in your response and your
reprisal.

 
I would send an email to the Board chair, cc the person who
interviewed you. In it you should say roughly this: Dear Chair: I was
interviewed as part of Rabbi X’s performance review by Person Y. I
was told my remarks would be confidential. Perhaps I was naïve to
think that meant not merely from the Rabbi but from others as well.
Since the interview I have heard myself misquoted by people who are
not even on the Board, let alone in the interview. Please instruct
Person Y to set the record straight and stop gossiping about me. You
cannot control what will happen next. But you can be sure Person Y
will not like it.

Descendent

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Recently I went to a Yon HaShoah service for the first time. My family
has a complicated history. My great-grandmother was hidden during
WW2 with a Catholic family by her parents. All her living relatives
perished and for most of her life she did not tell anyone, including her
Catholic husband, that she was really Jewish. After his death, she
gathered her children (among them my grandmother), and told them
that she would not ask them to change how they lived their lives, but
to honor her own family, she would ask them to tell their own children,
when they felt the children were mature enough to handle it, about
their heritage to honor the memory of her departed and to keep
knowledge alive. I know in a world of increasing globalization,
intermarriage, and more complex identities that my story isn’t all that
unique. But I grew up not knowing much about the Holocaust and I am
not much of a history buff. Can you recommend some books that can
educate me please? I started with the movie Shindler’s List and that
was eye opening in a horrible scary way.

Descendent

 
Dear Descendent:

I have a ritual that I do every year for Yom HaShoah to honor the
many relatives on both sides of my family who were murdered. I think
it is a great place for you to begin, but be forewarned, for a very slim
book it carries a huge punch. Go to a bookseller or library and find a
chronicle of the Holocaust called The Seventh Well by Fred Wander, a
French Jew who was in 25 different work camps. That and Night, by
the social justice advocate Elie Weisel, are my two favorites for
intimate portrayals of day to day life in concentration camps. Another,
far more cerebral but very much about the 20 th century post-war
diaspora, is called The Lost, by Daniel Mendelsohn, a Yale humanities
professor, who tracks down survivors of a small Polish town that a
deceased great-uncle was from.

 

 

There is a wealth of Holocaust literature, movies, art, and memoir. It
is very easy to feel overwhelmed, because the scale of murder and
suffering was so great. In addition to educating yourself, be sure to
think about other people you know who might not have the same
family history but might be as ignorant and innocent as you might
have been without what you learned about your family. We must all be
vigilant to avoid allowing the rise of contemporary anti-Semitism, in
Europe but also right here in America, to create conditions where
being targeted simply because of one’s religion can be seen as
anything other than repugnant.

Had It

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband just had his third surgery to repair a hip operation gone
badly. This has been a year of intense trauma for the whole family,
and he is going somewhat nuts and getting very depressed with
enforced inactivity. He feels old and useless and is grumpy most of the
time. The doctors have said he needs to walk five minutes but no more
every waking hour. He is not to lift or carry heavy things, climb on
ladders, ride his bike, and on and on and on. I have to go back to work
but am terrified to leave him alone. Last time when he was not fully
recovered he actually climbed a ladder to get something off a high
shelf. When I went ballistic, he said “I forgot.” Forgot!!! His hip has
destroyed our life. Who can forget? How can I enforce caution?

Had It

 
Dear Had It:

Short of an armed guard, you will be unable to control his activities
when you are not around. You can threaten him with installing motion
sensor cameras and a baby monitor. You can lock up the ladders and
paper the place with dire warnings. You can spend each night having
him review what he did each day other than his walking. But honestly
not much can compel a person to take better care of themselves than
self-interest.

 
It’s always hard to think long run when you think you are more fit than
your body really is. But a positive approach would be to plan fun
outing for “after you are recovered,” a phrase that should resound
through your house like “Next year in Jerusalem” does at the end of a
Seder. Every day. Morning and night, promise him a better future.

Hellllpppppp

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two friends who used to be very close. One (A) is like a sister to
me, and the other (B) I have bonded with more recently, starting in
the middle-school period for their sons, who grew up like brothers, in a
semi-competitive but loving way. A moved away from being down the
block from B, to get her son into a “better” school. A moved back to
the original house for high school and they were neighbors again, but
less close. The boys are now both college grads, having ended up both
in the honors college of a nearby university, and been roommates
most of the four years. A’s son moved away for grad school; B’s son is
looking for work in the same city as his girlfriend, which, believe it or
not, is in the same town as the one A bought a few hours away,
because she is moving again, this time probably for good. A said no,
because she is letting the daughter of a family friend stay there for
free while she recovers from losing a job and fiancée, and wants to go
there herself on weekends so she and her husband can get it ready for
their relocation. The house is huge and the lower floor is a rentable
two-bedroom apartment that B’s son would pay for. Appreciate that I
hear these stories from both of them and if I did not I would never
believe it was the same story. Both expect me to validate their point of
view and I am unsure what to say. There’s more details but that’s
enough for the outline.

Hellllpppppp

 
Dear Hellppp:

I actually got out a pencil and paper and tried to keep track of the
characters in this little drama until I realized the issue has less to do
with anyone’s relationship but A’s with B and B’s with A and both with
you. So here’s my advice to all of you, which will be yours to
implement by saying to both of them: Stop talking about one another
and start talking to one another. I refuse to carry tales between you,
but if you ask my opinion I will start telling you the truth and stop
nodding so you think I agree with you.

 

 

I can understand A’s reluctance to fill a house full of twenty-
somethings if she is planning on living there. But if she visits only on
weekends, I would assert that she is responsible for setting all the
ground rules, including telling all the kids that when she is there, they
need to find different crash pads. Coming down from that draconian
stance, she should treat B’s son and the distressed family friend pretty
equally, especially if B’s son is like a brother to her own son. The kids
can share the lower part, all for free for a month or so. After B’s son
gets a job he and the girlfriend can agree with A on rent or find a place
of their own. But the big lesson here is simple: don’t be the person in
the middle.

Tongue-Tied

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For almost twenty years I volunteered at a shelter for women who left
their abusive living situations. Most of the volunteers were good,
caring people and I enjoyed working with them. One, however, who
was by all evidence in a long-term abusive relationship herself,
managed to undercut the fragile gains that residents made while they
were in our care, by belittling their progress. Now I’ve learned she is
finally ready to make changes in her life, including changing jobs. She
has asked me for a letter of reference as a personal/volunteer
reference, but I am not comfortable giving her more than an average
endorsement. What should I say?

Tongue-Tied

 
Dear Tongue-Tied:

A lot depends on what she’s asking you to say. If, for example, you
were involved with finances, you could stick to that aspect of a
reference. But if she is asking you to speak about interpersonal
matters, you should be clear, if not completely honest. Say, I don’t
think I’m the best person to ask for this reference. Perhaps you should
try X, Y, or Z. My interactions with you were limited, and I make a
point of not writing letters of references for people unless I have been
their direct supervisor in a work situation.

 
For most folks, that level of No would be enough of a warning that she
might not want prospective employers to hear your answer to
whatever you might be asked. If she pushes, and challenges you, be
polite but clear, about your hesitations, and be prepared to back them
up with examples. You can end by saying, You may have changed your
style in the interim, but I’m still not comfortable being the person to
assert that. I wish you only good luck, but I cannot be part of the
process.

Earplugs?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help me with a problem with a relative and politics. We were
completely on opposite sides of most issues in the last election. This
caused unbearable friction in the family, most of whom are liberal
Democrats. But one cousin, the eldest son of the eldest son of my
grandparents, at whose home we tend to celebrate the big holidays,
because they are sill alive (!) and we love them both, is not just a
diehard conservative, but openly scornful of “fool and idiots” who have
social values different than his. We agreed on ground rules last year,
but as this new president (whom many of us consider a “fake
president”) has begun to attack institutions that nay of us hold dear
and even are employed by, the cousin has become emboldened again.
At Passover he took over the floor for long, pontificating rants that not
only were offensive but also disrupted the Seder. No one knew what to
do and we couldn’t just leave, though many of us wanted to. Finally my
grandfather said “Enough!” and he shut up, but honestly it’s enough
that there is talk in two generations about avoiding any gathering he
attends. Do you have a recipe for family unity?

Earplugs?

 
Dear Earplugs:

One rule can be: zero, absolutely zero, discussion of politics or the first
offender will be summarily ushered from the family gathering. You can
distribute a pledge form and ask every family member to sign it prior
to attending. Another might be to agree that it is okay to talk about
politics but not more than one sentence, or the person will be escorted
out. Another, which is not very democratic, would be to disregard the
one outlier person and say that since 90+% percent of the voting
members of the family agree on a point of view, no other opinion is
allowed to be heard. But that’s the kind of thinking that has brought
this country to our current political standstill, so I am not advocating
that solution.

 

 

Since autumn there has been a wave of listening classes that have
allowed split relationships, be they familiar or friendships, to heal by
learning how to talk about subjects they disagree on. It has worked in
places like Northern Ireland and South Africa, so I’m betting your
family could pull it off. Google to find some ground rules and see if you
can all get a lesson in living in a world that’s not a bubble. You are not
alone in this, and in many families it is akin to the US before the Civil
War, which is not healthy for any of us.