Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m part of large extended social network. It encompasses people from
all walk of life, religions, and ages. One of the leading members was a
former investment advisor, among the pioneers of socially responsible
investing. She moved from our community bout ten years ago when
she retired and then got sick from a debilitating chronic respiratory
disease, which eventually killed her a week ago. I was never that close
with her, did not invest money with her, and cannot recall even one
occasion when we were social together. But many of my second tier
friends were her ex’s, friends, clients, etc and I know she was
extremely helpful to them, not so much with money but when they
were in chemo or other forms of need. I was invited to her memorial
service, where people planned to share memories and stories. I
realized I had nothing personal to say, and the only story I could recall
was second-hand and ironically not very complimentary. I chose not to
attend, because it felt like I was just doing it for social reasons. Now I
hear my absence is being judged by those who participated. Should I
let it slide on by or say something?

Absentee

 
Dear Absentee:

There’s a great story about the rabbi who takes the town gossip to a
rooftop on a windy day and has her shake a pillow above the town,
then instructing her to gather all the feathers back again, and when
she says, dumbfounded, that it is not possible, instructs her that the
situation is equivalent when she spreads malicious gossip about
others. What was easy to create is not possible to undo. That’s why
there are so many proscriptions against lashon hara, evil speech, as
in, gossip. So, no matter how you respond, be sure not to condemn
others (the living or the deceased) if or while you defend yourself.
The easiest thing is to tell those close to you that you hadn’t been
close to the dead woman so chose to have the event be for those who
were. Say that you liked her from afar, knew many people loved her,
and that she was a pillar of the community. Say that you’re available
for them to talk to about her if they wish. Trust them to repeat that if
they hear anything negative about you. Bury the story with her.