Category Archives: Holidays

Loving Eldest

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My parents’ 50th wedding anniversary is this coming June. I want to do
something special and sentimental for them as a gift. My rich siblings
are going to send them on a cruise but I’m the underachieving English
major. Any ideas on what will wow them that money can’t buy?

Loving Eldest

 
Dear Loving Eldest:

I’m a sucker for sentiment, as are most folks who’ve been happily
married for fifty years. I think a memory book would be a lovely gift.
Think somewhere between a scrapbook and an online album. You can
decide later what media format works for you and your parents. My
choice would be to offer both a digital and a hard-copy formal for folks
who contribute, and for you to assemble an actual coffee table album
for them to browse through and have an online collection for folks near
and far. You could use FaceBook, or spotify.com, or others, where
people can submit pictures, text, even audio files. Browse the web and
see what works for your level of techno competence.

 
Don’t underestimate the logistical challenges. Start now by making
lists and a calendar. Think through the steps you’d need to complete
for content by early May, because you’ll need time to put it all
together. Identify those nearest and dearest to your folks. That can
include old friends, former colleagues, people from everywhere they
participate. Think synagogue, sports teams, bridge group, political or
volunteer organizations, etc. The biggest risk you face is that someone
will inadvertently spill the secret, so whenever (as in each and every
time) you contact folks make sure you have the words SSSSHHHHHH
– IT’S A SURPRISE!!! at the top and bottom of the request and
conversation.

 

Then offer various ways that people can contact you with
stories (maybe on your voicemail or by email), photos, or other
mementos of various aspects of your parents’ life and connection with
them. You can organize it chronologically or other creative ways. But
the most important thing is to make sure your parents know they are
well loved by people in every sector of their life. I suspect that this will
last longer in their hearts than a vacation.

Gifted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My son went through high school without a single date. He’s a good
kid, and surprisingly comfortable with adults. He’s a geek but not a
nerd, and never seemed to need much human contact with his peers.
Now in his second year of college he’s been dating the same girl for
more than a year. She’s lovely, and they’re both 4.0 pre-meds, but of
course I want him to have more experiences in life than just dating
one girl. But he seems so happy with her and, I am pretty sure, with
no longer being the only virgin he knows. We have no problem with
her visiting him but her parents, who live two hours away, are very (I
think overly) protective. We’ve never met them but she talks about
them in the kind of careful way that I have seen some of my students
use when there’s dysfunction in the family. They sent us a lovely
fruit/cheese /nut gift basket for the holidays, something that never
even occurred to me to send to them, seeing as we’ve never met. How
should I respond?

Gifted

 
Dear Gifted:

Two different issues. As for your sons slow-starting social life, he
seems to be making up for lost time very nicely. Although relationships
between college kids may seem serious, if they’re both aimed towards
professional careers the chances that they’ll stay together are pretty
slim. As long as he keeps up his grades and seems happy I would
counsel you to let life take its course.

 
As for the gift basket, send a polite note: Dear Mr/Mrs [Name]: Our
family enjoyed every bite of the delicious fruit, nut, and cheese gift
box you sent us. How kind and thoughtful! We&'ve enjoyed getting to
know [daughter name]. She is a lovely person through and through.
I&'m guessing that the apple does not fall far from the tree. I’m sure
we’ll meet some day if they continue to date. That shows you are
polite and supportive of the relationship, without pressuring anyone to
do anything different. As for their presumed dysfunction, it’s not your
problem to solve.

Eye Witness

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

We had a great Seder at my sister-in- law’s, at least everyone else
thought so at the time. Contrary to the usual fears, even expectations,
everyone got along, perhaps because we’d instituted a “no discussion
of politics in any form” rule and asked everyone of voting age to
pledge to uphold it. The last election year Seder caused a family rift
between democrats and Republicans that took more than a year to
resolve, to no one’s satisfaction.

 

But here’s the problem: When I was helping move plates from
the table to the kitchen I caught my thirteen-year old niece
(who’d excused herself to “go to the bathroom”) smoking pot outside
the back door. I quickly called her in, said “Go wash up now!!!”
(to kill the smell) and went back to the table. She kept eyeing me to
try and get my attention, I think to get me to commit to keeping my
mouth shut. I have not yet spoken either to her or my brother about
the incident. He was certainly not a drug-free paragon in college,
but thirteen seems incredibly young to me to be experimenting with
drugs. To whom do I owe what when?

Eye Witness

 
Dear Eye Witness:

You owe your bother, the adult, full disclosure and information about
what you saw. Your niece’s expectation that you would cooperate in
some code of complicit silence is optimistically naïve and silly. Many
people of various ages have experimented with pot, or even more,
even those who claimed they did not inhale. But thirteen is much too
young to be making those kinds of decisions about experimentation.
Her body and brain are still evolving. This is a problem best identified
and headed off as efficiently as possible.

 
I’d suggest alerting your niece that you’re going to talk to your
brother. And then speaking to him immediately afterwards. Do both of
these conversations in person if possible. She’ll likely plead for you to
keep quiet “just this once” and protest that this was an isolated
incident. But anyone who needs to get loaded to get through a family
gathering is displaying not only poor judgment but potentially early
signs of accelerated use. When you talk to your brother you should say
you wanted to allow the holiday to be enjoyed without argument or
crisis. You should defer to his and your sister-in- law’s parenting
decisions after they talk to your niece. But under no circumstances
should you keep quiet any longer.

Only One Tuches

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please help me with a problem at the intersection of my social and
spiritual lives. I’m single, and without local family closer than a plane
ride. The people with whom I am often social throw a great Seder.
That’s true if your priorities are a familiar group of friends, a Martha-
Stewart class table setting and food, and the best chopped liver on the
planet. The Haggadah is beautiful but the reading of it often feels like
a race through the service to get to dinner. My other option is to
Pesach with people I know from services, where I was once a guest.
The Haggadah is an eclectic cut-and- paste Xerox; the people a random
mix of folks I like but don’t know well, plus invited strays. I might fall
into the latter category from their point of view. It’s a long and
intricate service but feels more like the Passovers of my childhood. It
is my favorite holiday. I have an invitation to the first, but need to ask
for a seat at the second. What’s the right protocol and messaging?

Only One Tuches

 
Dear Only One:

This is so much easier than having to choose between, say, feuding
relatives, or possessive in-laws. In those cases you’re almost always
going to have to alternate venues, or host your own. Neither of those
is without peril, and each will almost always result in hours of lost time
explaining your decision to hurt or PO-ed relations plus their
emissaries and advocates.  But either is far harder than what you’re
facing: a choice between better goods, not lesser evils.

 
You’re very close to knowing what to do. Part of the answer is
sequencing. Be sure you’ve secured a seat at the spiritual Seder
before you turn down your friend’s. If it is already full, there may be
other people who’d make a place for you at a longer Seder, especially
if you said, I’m looking for an old-fashioned religious Seder. I’m a
great cook and can bring xyz.  Also, many shuls have a matching
system for “strays.” This is a holiday about community, and it sounds
like a great time to expand your circle. Once you know where you’re
going, talk to your friend. Be sure to compliment her hostessing
sensibilities. But explain that at Pesach you are drawn more to the
ritual of the evening than to food and friends. Be clear that you always
enjoy sharing time with her and the others, but that your heart is
outranking your gut.
 
Readers: If I could spend one day with my own deceased mother, I
would spend it in the kitchen, cooking and talking. Her chopped liver is
my own number one. She died with a head full of recipes that were
never written down and probably were never made the same way
twice, but always tasted special. A holiday wish to any reader lucky
enough to be able to do so: Harvest your favorites plus every family
story you can coax out of your mother on every holiday or other
special time you can share in her kitchen. You’ll be very thankful you
did.

Hostess

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m hosting the annual family Thanksgiving. In addition to the usual
feuding about who brings what, which side of the family’s recipe is
best, and who gets the honors for various dishes, we have a more
substantive problem. Two of my sisters have stopped speaking to one
another since my nephew’s graduation last June. The stories that have
been told by both aggrieved parties vary so significantly from one
another, and have been so inconsistent, that frankly none of the rest
of us believes anything they say, though we’ve learned to listen
politely. All we know for sure is that we cannot have Thanksgiving
without either or both of them, and that all of us are dreading the day
more than looking forward to it. Do you have any suggestions about
how to enforce a truce, or even make a peace?

Hostess

 

Dear Hostess:

The hardest part of this situation is getting each of them to stop
reciting their litany of hurt long and sincerely enough to hear anything
that’s said to them. It’s easier to put it in writing, and best to precede
and follow up with verbal reinforcement. The phone call: I’m inviting
you for Thanksgiving, but there are conditions I want you to agree to
before you decide to come. Check your email tomorrow. The overnight
before phase two is deliberate. Put your sister off base a little. The
email: I know you and [other sister] are feuding. But I’m inviting you
both for the holiday, and telling you both the same thing: It’s not okay
to fight in my house. If you cannot commit to being polite and on good
behavior, you certainly have the option not to come. If you come and
poke a fight, about anything, I will promptly ask you to leave. No
second chances or do-overs. I love you both, and wish you’d make up,
but that’s between you. I’m not taking any side except my own. The
day before Thanksgiving, call and get a verbal commitment of good
behavior, and remind each sister you will not be shy about ejecting an
offender.

 

As for recipe allocation, as hostess you decide and assign. Tell any
complainer that they’re welcome to hostess next year and make any
decision they want to. But you’re being consistent: your house, your
rules. Also alert the other siblings of the house rules. Tell them if they
want to play peacemaker to do it any other day.

Choosing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

The holidays are upon us again. It seems like it happens earlier and
earlier every year. I’m not a Grinch and not a cheapskate. But I feel
like one every time I lift a twenty-pound newspaper full of sale ads, or
when I list everyone (family, friends, work colleagues, newspaper boy)
who might expect a gift from me or who might give me one. Do you
have any good ideas on how to communicate my reluctance to spend
scarce resources on consumables at a time when so many people are
suffering from income inequity and real financial distress? Thankfully I
am not among them but I feel much more of a responsibility to help
the needy than to gift the entitled. I and everyone I know are among
the 99%. How can I raise consciousness above credit card balances?

Choosing

 
Dear Choosing:

It’s not too early to start communicating your preference for non-
gifting. Whenever you’re in a conversation about the holidays, tell
people that you’re not doing any traditional gifting this year. Any.
Explain that the politics of the day have made you realize that you
want to use the holidays to share ideas more than stuff. Ask anyone
whom you might think might gift you to do the same, or risk feeling
that they’ve spent their money on the wrong person.

 
Put your energy into list making, with a cover letter. The cover letter
should explain your philosophy of the season. You can wrap it in a nice
card, and accompany it with anything from a gourmet chocolate bar to
a little fine tea, something that costs less than $5 per person. The lists
can be: lists of charities to which you’ve donated the money you would
otherwise have spent on gifts; or great books you’ve read and/or
movies or music you’ve encountered during the year that touched you
in some way; or names of organizations in your community that need
volunteers. Say you hope they’ll understand your choice and perhaps
even emulate it in the future. End by inviting them to participate in a
one-day action helping a specific local charity. They may not
understand or participate. But you’ll be walking your talk.

Not Thankful!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m happily single between relationships. I alternate between two
friend’s families for big holidays. This Thanksgiving neither family was
in town so I went to a different friend’s house. She makes a tradition
of taking in strays. I was cautious because some of those strays have
turned out to be people I have actively disliked. Note: I have a
reputation for being able to tolerate almost anyone. The person I was
seated next to kept up a low volume stream of sarcastic insults about
virtually everything that was being discussed. Painfully it included her
uninformed but vocal and critical opinions during the “what are you
thankful for” part of the meals. I want to ask my friend what she sees
in this person. Is there a tactful way to ask why she invited such a
B****? Also she just invited me to another party and I simply don’t
want to go if this woman’s going to be there.

Not Thankful!

 
Dear Not Thankful:

I think you ask the question without the B word, and you also explain
why. Everyone’s entitled to be the hostess to whomever they choose.
But for the guests at an event where the motley crew is not predicable
there’s always the risk of encountering people you do not enjoy. It’s
possible this person felt that you were anti-social, but I confess that
being trapped at a dinner table doesn’t bring out the best in me either.
When you talk to your friend, don’t start out with your critique. You’re
trying to avoid having both feet down your throat. Ask what she most
likes about Ms. X, how she knows her, and how often they get
together socially. Then ask if she could hear the stream of
commentary, or if any of the other guests have said anything. End
with something like, I always like coming to your home, but I’m going
to ask you if she’s going to be at any sit-down event before I say yes.
I prefer to be around people who are kind and caring, people like you.
The ending should soothe rough edges, but know that if they’re
friends, whatever you say will be repeated in some form.

Trapped

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I’m being guilt-tripped, and emotionally manipulated by my in-laws.
Both of my parents are dead and my husband is the only one of his
sibs who moved more than three hours away from the mespochah.
They have a truly lovely summer house that we’ve visited every year
for fifteen years. This eats up one of my two weeks vacation. If you
add in visits to see them for holidays and medical crises (father-in- law
has Alzheimers and chronic conditions), I haven’t had a “real” vacation
in a very long time. Now they’re saying, “This could be the last year”
we can all be together there because they’re going to sell it. I’d fall for
this line if I hadn’t already fallen for it already for four years. Is there a
graceful way to decline, other than saying I want to spend my free
time with other folks, or at least not with them?
Trapped

 
Dear Trapped:
Every family is organized around some collective dysfunction. Your
husband’s is no exception. The elders have had years to practice guilt-
tripping. The subliminal message is This may be the last time your
Father/in-law will recognize you, so come spend time with us while
he’s as good as he still is. That’s harder to resist than a summer
house.

 
Like most good marketeers, your in-laws have identified a winning
sales technique. They’ve tested it, gotten good results, and decided to
keep singing the tune until it no longer works. Only you can decide if
that’s this year or next. I’d bet a plane flight that even if you say No,
you’ll get the same pitch for the next holiday or special occasions. Your
only polite answer is, I’m running low on vacation time. I need to save
it for a crisis, if [F-i- L name] has another episode. I want to be able to
come when you need us, so we’re putting health ahead of pleasure.
Most folks are squeamish about invoking illness when there isn’t one
so you may buy yourself a year. But no longer. For what it’s worth,
you won’t get more chances once he’s gone.

Not Cheap, Just Careful

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
We’re in peak Bar Mitzvah season. My son has attended about thirty of
them in the last two years. Each has required a nice gift and dress up
clothes, which for a growing-too- fast-too- believe almost teenager has
been an expensive proposition. In addition, there seems to be a very
unsubtle competition among the parents about who can put on the
biggest and most impressive shindig with the loudest and biggest
band, most expensive caterer, most creative cake, etc. We’re just
beginning to recover from recession-imposed traumas, including a
year’s lay-off for my wife. We have a year to save for his Bar Mitzvah,
but the list of what I’d rather spend the money on is very long. I don’t
want to embarrass my son by making him feel like the poor relation,
like I did when I was growing up, but I can’t live up to local standards
with a clear mind or bank account.

Not Cheap, Just Careful

 
Dear Careful:
Parents owe their children many important things: a safe and loving
home; physical safety and health; instruction about good values,
boundaries, and discipline; and generally instilling the idea that they
have the right to grow up to be good, happy, caring people whose job
is to make the world a better and happier place. They do not owe their
children fancy Bar Mitzvahs, big bands, overdone cakes or parties. This
is one of those great “teaching moments” that your son may or may
not get the first time around. But you have lots of time to plan and if
you make the planning a family activity it could be a bonding rather
than a divisive event.

 
Work with your son to plan a party that suits his interests. Explain that
you want him to have as much fun as he can, but it’s going to look
different than some of the others. Find a location that can
accommodate all the folks he wants to invite, and whom you may feel
owe him gifts. But instead of trying to match other families, make it
something so different and so special that folks thinks you are a trend-
setter. Also, put some chunk of the funds you save into a fund for your
son’s first car/insurance. That should teach him some goal orientation
and support the financial planning lesson.

Tired of Gossip

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I know you get this question, or a variation of it, every year. But
please remind your readers about the etiquette of family events like
Seders. Every year I end up embroiled in the post-Seder round robin
conversations between various siblings, nieces, aunts, cousins, etc
critiquing the quality of so-and- so’s cooking, the inappropriateness of
someone’s attire, who said what to whom about what, etc etc etc for
every possible way that one human being can criticize or kvetch about
another. And this in a family that generally gets along and likes one
another
Tired of Gossip

 
Dear Tired of Gossip:
The irony of turning a holiday that’s about liberating ourselves from
slavery into enslaving ourselves to criticism is beyond sad. We’re
supposed to be about celebrating the end of 400 years of brick-making
and servitude. Not turning up the heat on those near and dear to us.
I’m reminded of the scene in Avalon, a movie set in Baltimore in the
mid-19th century, about two brothers who feud on a Thanksgiving.
One drives off in a huff while the other screams at him, waving a
drumstick, and they don’t talk for fifty years. (At least that’s how I
remember it.) Imagine 50 years without a sibling. You might smile for
a second, but it would be a terrible loss.

 
So here’re the rules for all family events, from Passover through
Chanukah: Thou shalt not criticize others. That includes their cooking,
their clothing, their children, their homes, their cars, their choice of
vacations, or their choice of souvenirs for the meshpochah. Thou shalt
not say anything that can be misinterpreted by someone with a grudge
against someone else. When asked about anyone’s cooking, say, It
isn’t as good as I remember my mother’s but a very interesting new
way of doing that dish. When asked about someone’s atrocious new
sofa or dress say, It’s not my taste but it suits her and seems to be
making her very happy. Express joy for the satisfaction of others. Do
not appear to take any pleasure in the misfortunes, shame, failures, or
other life traumas of anyone in your circle. That’s actually a pretty
good way to improve your adherence to lashon hara, the mitzvah that
proscribes gossip. It’s also a good way to get people to like you more,
relatives or not. Kindness breeds kindness, not rancor.

Jewish and Proud

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
It’s the classic holiday problem. I’m the only Jew where I work, and
everyone talks about Christmas all the time. They don’t even have the
sensitivity to talk about the holiday season. It is Christmas Christmas
Christmas all day long. Some days it feels like all they do is talk about
presents to be made or bought, shopping to be done, meals to be
planned. No one acknowledges Hanukah at all, except one person who
made a sarcastic remark about “What a bummer it is you don’t get to
have Christmas.” Add to that the greeting that every checkout clerk at
every store gives me, the “Merry Christmas” that the guy at the gas
station, post office, even the kid who delivers the papers gives. I am
sick of it. I’m not a grinch, but I want some acknowledgement of
cultural diversity.
Jewish and Proud

 
Dear Jewish and Proud:
Anyone who is not part of the prevailing culture faces exactly this kind
of issue regularly, but December’s the worst. Jews also get a harder
rap at Easter (think about the old “Christ Killers” and pogroms). But
Muslims, Buddhists, and followers of virtually every other non-
Christian faith are also either excluded, or like Jews, cast in the
Grinch-like, Scrooge-like buzz-killer role of holiday wet blanket. No one
deserves to have their holiday undercut by politically correct
grumbling. At the same time, all of us non-Christians deserve
acknowledgement that we count for more than our contribution to
capitalism’s greatest annual spree of consumption.

 
The best ambassador for goodwill is someone who genuinely seems to
want others to be happy. My advice is to paste on a happy face and
say, Thanks, I’m Jewish, but I hope you have a wonderful holiday
season. If you want to go further, you can print up little cards that say
Happy Hanukah, Kwanza, Merry Christmas (and whatever others) on
one side, and Ten Things You Can Do To Make This A Better Planet on
the other. Then list your own ideas for helping the world, like: Give
charity generously; Consume less and share more; Recycle and re-
use; etc. Either first or last on every list should be Pray and act for
peace and justice.

Referee

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
My mother, sister, and I are planning a vacation in the Caribbean
together, despite the disaster that occurred two years ago when we
tried to have fun and set a new record for bad family time. It was six
days of hell, dominated by too much drinking followed by endless
fighting between my mother and sister, mostly over events from our
childhood that I cannot believe they still bear grudges over. It took
three months for them to get over the last trip, and lots of intervention
from me. I’ve tried talking to each of them to prepare them to be kind
and playful instead of backbiting and ready for a scrap. Each has
promised “to be on my best behavior,” “to avoid bringing up the past,”
and to avoid escalating any minor arguments that may occur into
World War III. But I’ve not only seen this show before, I’m the
peacemaker who’s expected to pick up the pieces and patch
everything together, while they’re allowed to squabble like angry two-
year olds. I’m tired of being the responsible adult. I do love them and
would like to have a good trip, because my mother is 75 and not
getting any younger. Can you make it possible?
Referee

 
Dear Referee:
There are several triggers in your letter. Alcohol exacerbates many negative
behaviors, and certainly lowers inhibitions about saying things that are better left
unsaid. A history of fighting, with a parallel history of relying on someone else to
make everything copacetic after the fighting, means that neither of the problem
children has to take full responsibility for her behavior. Frankly, I think you’re
either heroic or slightly nuts to volunteer for this exercise, but maybe you need a
vacation more than you fear a repeat of the prior trip.

 
Draw up a list of agreements for them each to sign. No email or voice. In writing.
It should include a list of topics they will not discuss under any circumstances
(and a code word, something blatant like “Snowshoe!!” or “Cactus!!” that you’ll be
authorized to invoke if they stray into the forbidden. Also a commitment to limit
themselves to a reasonable number of drinks, and a specific list of steps they will
agree to take if anything escalates. Have a one on one with each of them. Ask              them to sign the document. Tell each of them the same thing: If you violate this
agreement, I am not going to bail you out. I am going to grab my bag and my suit
and head for the pool. You two will have to work this out and I am not going to
save you. If necessary I’ll rent a different room and not spend time with you. If
you cannot keep this a good time, please do not leave home. They may not
believe you, and it will be up to you to make it stick, perhaps by leaving the room
once or twice. But if you do walk out on them during a fight, they’ll let the
message loud and clear.

Horrified Hostess

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I usually hold a Seder but because I had the flu had to cancel instead.
A week later I had the usuals over for supper. I had intentionally
invited one of my friends, but not her “ex” of six months. I say ‘”ex”
because even though they “broke up” six months ago, they’re still
living together in an upper/lower floor duplex (they used it for his
dying mother for years, then as a home office for her). I invited her,
because he left her for a younger woman (now broken off). She,
without consulting me, invited him “because we’re family.” I’ve known
them for thirty years but am so disgusted by him that I can’t stand
seeing him let alone entertaining him. He spent much of the appetizer
course talking about a trip to NYC with his now ex-quickie. I didn’t
throw him out, but took him into kitchen and read him the riot act.
Now she’s angry with me for being rude. We agreed to trust what you
said.
Horrified Hostess

 
Dear Horrified:
While I’m empathetic with your horror, unless you specifically told
your friend, I am not inviting your ex, she can be excused for
assuming that a pattern of thirty years was still in effect. She sounds
like a loving sap, and I hope you’ve advised her to get a good divorce
attorney, or she’s going to give away a lot that she might not
otherwise have to.

 
As for the decider, I vote with you. Since I don’t know what your riot
act sounds like, I’ll qualify that if you could be heard outside the
kitchen you might lose some points on style. But as for content, you’re
right: he sounds like an arrogant boor. His story was not only
inappropriate, it was rude and hurtful. I would make it clear to her for
the future that when you invite her, it means just her, and she’s to
check with you before she decides to bring him along, or decline to
come. As for him, I suspect your riot act convinced him he’s not on
you’re a-list, but if you feel rude enough yourself to drive in the last
nail, you can tell him now that he’s not invited any more. I’d probably
counsel against it, because your friend will get defensive about him all
over again, but it drives the point home.