Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
We’re in peak Bar Mitzvah season. My son has attended about thirty of
them in the last two years. Each has required a nice gift and dress up
clothes, which for a growing-too- fast-too- believe almost teenager has
been an expensive proposition. In addition, there seems to be a very
unsubtle competition among the parents about who can put on the
biggest and most impressive shindig with the loudest and biggest
band, most expensive caterer, most creative cake, etc. We’re just
beginning to recover from recession-imposed traumas, including a
year’s lay-off for my wife. We have a year to save for his Bar Mitzvah,
but the list of what I’d rather spend the money on is very long. I don’t
want to embarrass my son by making him feel like the poor relation,
like I did when I was growing up, but I can’t live up to local standards
with a clear mind or bank account.

Not Cheap, Just Careful

 
Dear Careful:
Parents owe their children many important things: a safe and loving
home; physical safety and health; instruction about good values,
boundaries, and discipline; and generally instilling the idea that they
have the right to grow up to be good, happy, caring people whose job
is to make the world a better and happier place. They do not owe their
children fancy Bar Mitzvahs, big bands, overdone cakes or parties. This
is one of those great “teaching moments” that your son may or may
not get the first time around. But you have lots of time to plan and if
you make the planning a family activity it could be a bonding rather
than a divisive event.

 
Work with your son to plan a party that suits his interests. Explain that
you want him to have as much fun as he can, but it’s going to look
different than some of the others. Find a location that can
accommodate all the folks he wants to invite, and whom you may feel
owe him gifts. But instead of trying to match other families, make it
something so different and so special that folks thinks you are a trend-
setter. Also, put some chunk of the funds you save into a fund for your
son’s first car/insurance. That should teach him some goal orientation
and support the financial planning lesson.