Category Archives: Finances & Giving

Single Homeowner

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Please don’t laugh. My contractor and I are turning to you the way the
two self-declared mothers turned to King Solomon. Whatever you say,
we will do. That’s true even if neither of us agrees with your advice,
because we can’t agree with one another. Here’s the scoop: Three
plus months ago I started a backyard remodel project. New retaining
walls and replacement decking. I told Ludwig (my contractor) my
budget. Along the way he suggested and I agreed to add-ons and
changes (primarily invisible and structural) and I decided on upgraded
materials (composite decking and natural stone). In addition, I started
adding a long list of “honey do” items to the list: everything from
putting in new toilets and upgrading electrical outlets to digging in
plants and fixing an outdoor water feature. He’s close to done and
refusing to accept more money from me. I feel about this guy the way
you would about your favorite brother. I don’t want him working for
free, which it sounds like he does for many other people. I want to be
able to call him again when I need him. But mostly I respect and
appreciate him and want to show it with money. I think I owe him
close to $1,500.

Single Homeowner

 
Dear Homeowner:

I’m no Solomon but I do have a simple solution. Buy him a hefty gift
card from your local version of Home Depot. I’m talking $500 or
something large and beguiling that no man who makes a living with
tools could resist. Every contractor I know has a garage full of toys
and a secret lust list for more of them. That ensures he will be repaid
for at least part of his time.

 
Put the gift card in a note card that says roughly, Ludwig: I cannot
repay all the wonderful things you have done for me. But I want to try.
Enclosed is a gift card for tools. Go play!! Also include a check for
$1,000. I cannot compel you to cash it now, but even if you do not, I
want you to keep it for lean times between jobs. That way I’ll know
you’re always going to be happy and healthy when I call you again,
which you know I will do when my honey-do list gets long enough
again. He may protest, and you cannot compel him to cash the check
now. But one day he will. That’s when you should call for him to do
more work for you again, unless you have a homeowner crisis sooner.
Guys like him are more valuable than gold. Congrats on finding him.

Not Doing It Myself

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Do you have any good rules for working with contractors? I just saw a
friend pay thousands to a “general contractor” during a kitchen
remodel when she did virtually all the work herself making decisions
and scheduling the various cabinet, counter, tile etc specialists. I have
strong opinions about what I want and am not shy about expressing
them, but I also know that single women are sometimes taken
advantage of by car salesmen and contractors. I have a budget and I
have done my research. It’s just a matter of whose hands do the
actual work. I also have the brains to know that they won’t be mine.

Not Doing It Myself

 
Dear Not Doing:

The more complicated the remodel, the more specialists you are going
to have deal with. The reason people use a general contractor is to
coordinate them, not just who does what when but to make sure that
all the pieces fir in the right places in the right way. A general
contractor is paid to make sure that happens. You can try to play that
role, but if you do you increase the risk that fingers pointed after
something goes wrong will be pointed at you.

 
My suggestions: Avoid using the person you think took too much from
your friend. Interview people who come re commended by other
friends. Sit down with them after you take the following steps. Talk on
the phone and describe your project. Send an email describing
everything from your time frame to your preferences in materials. Give
them links to websites, pictures of what you like, and identify specific
things unique to your project they would need to know. Then who they
use for specific subcontracting tasks, and for a bid for each phase of
the work. Note that a bid and an estimate are very, very different. A
bid means the contractor is obligated to perform the work for that
price. An estimate is a finger pointing in the direction of costs, which
can go much higher. Also have them identify any mark-up percentage
they add to the subs’ work, and identify their own fees.

 
Virtually every construction or remodel project ends up costing more
than originally estimated. It also ends up taking longer. The best
advice is this: work with a contractor you like and trust, preferably one
that comes with references from people you know, and whose projects
you can look at with your own eyes. Then be around as much as
possible while the work is done and have regular communication with
the contractor. It’s a fine dance between being involved and being a
pest. The old sign in the auto shop says it best: Fast, right, cheap –
pick any two.

No More Fudge!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year my brother sends everyone in the family the same gift: a
box of bourbon-flavored fudge. It started when he moved to Kentucky.
The first year I thought it was a Southern food joke. But it’s become
annoying. I don’t like or eat the fudge. All my friends have had it re-
gifted to them. I’ve been forbidden to bring it to potlucks and gift
exchanges. It’s not that I need a different or better gift. But I hate
wasted money. If he really did want to send me some food there’s a
long list of things I would prefer, from fruit and cheese baskets to
something more esoteric. I’ve also taken up food preserving and
making everything from homebrew to kim chi, and would rather trade
specialty items than subsidize stores. Do I keep quiet or speak up?

No More Fudge!!

 
Dear No More:

Nothing beats honesty. People want their gifts appreciated, not
dreaded. Google to find out what he’s paying and then send him a
simple email. In it explain that you love him and love exchanging gifts.
But you’ve decided to be clear about what you do and don’t want to
share. Tell him that for the next few years you are proposing a
different gift exchange: everything from home-canned beer or
preserves to something re-gifted. Explain that you’d considered re-
gifting his last batch of fudge back to him, but that it seemed
unappreciative.

 
You can say that your family has changed its values around gifting,
given the life of plenty that you are living. Say you love him and want
to honor him so your gift to him is from your hands and heart, and
comes with only one condition: no more bourbon fudge. Say that if he
wants to gift you, you’re happy to have him donate to any of a list of
named charities, or send food from a similar list. But say you are
fudged out and ask him to respect that. The rest of the family can say
the same or eat fudge.

Patron of the Arts

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend I do cultural things with. We are both seniors living on
affixed income, and we choose our events carefully, always looking for
discounts and bargains. Our special favorite is a first Wild Wednesday
two-fer that the local performing arts center offers for the resident
companies. These companies are primarily local performers but they
do sometimes import talented professional from big cities as a draw,
usually for their holiday galas or end-of- season show. We had tickers
for a performance a week ago that they did not cancel. But they
should have because the weather conditions were so bad that the
police department urged people not to leave their homes because of
downed trees and power lines and intensely dangerous driving
conditions. Obviously I did not go out, but the company refused to
give a refund (as other events the same night gave other friends) or to
honor the two-fer for their next show. They offered the me the chance
to pay full price for the next show, or a tax-deductible letter from my
first purchase. I am still fuming. Do I have any form of redress?

Patron of the Arts

 
Dear Patron:

You have to decide if you care more about getting your refund or two-
fer transferred to the next show that being, and being perceived as, a
pain in the patootie. My vote is with you: if the police say stay home,
they should have cancelled the show. But because they did not, they
figured that p***ed-off patrons were a better bet than losing money.
That said, pick up the phone and leave them a voicemail, and then
follow up with an email.

 
Here’s how I’d say it: I had two tickets for the [date] performance of
your [performance title] event. My friend and I were very psyched to
see it. We purchased the tickets on a Wild Wednesday. We are both
seniors living on fixed incomes. You know what happened with
weather. I assume you also know the Police Department advised
people “not to leave their homes unless it was an emergency.”; I love
the arts, but not at risk of my life. Friends who were to attend a
[alternate venue event] were given a refund. I was offered the chance
to brave the weather, to pay double to attend your next event, or
think of my ticket price as a donation. I would have preferred a
refund, but had to settle for the tax letter. I do not know why the two-
fer price would not be honored at your next event. It seems
discriminatory to the potential attendees you are trying to attract with
the two-fers. I am formally requesting either a full refund or that the
same seats be honored at the two-fer price in May. Please feel free to
contact me directly.. If you don’t get satisfaction, tell them you’re a
senior with lots of time on your hands and ready to use social media to
share your dissatisfaction.

Got An Empty Yard

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a large and underutilized garden space in my backyard and a
large front yard that gets lots of sun. I have heard about the “grow
food not lawns” movement, and would like to figure out a way to offer
some space to a family or group that might benefit from the produce,
and maybe even who live in an apartment and might want to feel dirt
on their hands. Any ideas about how to locate such a family and what
kind of agreement to make with them?

Got An Empty Yard

 

 

Dear Empty Yard:

You have a full range of options. One is to hire a professional
landscaper and have that person put in a full garden for you, replete
with raised beds, berry bushes, and fruit trees. Then you could tend it
or find others to help you, in exchange for a share of the fruits and
veggies. Another is to locate a family through a sustainability network,
a local foods network, or a non-profit that assists families in need. You
can post a description of what is available, and what you want in
exchange. For example: Local homeowner with XxY square feet of
sunny garden space wants to help a family in a cooperative gardening
project. Please email me at name@youremailaddress.com if you are
interested in helping plant and maintain a garden space in exchange
for 2/3 of the produce. Homeowner will bear all costs of planting and
watering, in exchange for help with weeding and pre- and post-season
chores.

 
I would suggest some boundaries between the shared garden space
and your private backyard space. I’d keep access to the backyard
limited to times when you are at home and can supervise what is
going on. I’d also keep the yard locked, in part because you don’t want
your home to become vulnerable if less scrupulous people hear about
the access. You may make good new friends from this venture. And
you may find that a non-profit group wants to sponsor this activity, so
there’s a rotating cast of visitors. Your neighbors may be enthusiastic
and follow your model, or cautiously concerned. I’d alert them to your
plans to forestall criticism. Note: Check your community statutes to be
sure this plan is legal. There are a surprising number of regulations
about what you can do with your property.

Confused

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have dry rot under an addition to my house. No one can see past the
edge so until they start to fix it they won’t know what it’ll take. I have
a roofing problem that started the dry rot. I need a new deck because
they have to tear out lots of the twenty-year old one to fix the dry rot.
I’ve gotten recommendations for contractors, ranging from work-alone
guys to big companies. No one can give me an actual bid because no
one can see how far the dry rot goes. But I am trying to identify
criteria to choose from among a handful of reputable guys, none of
who will give me a firm bid. I’m a single woman who feels ripped off
every time I but a new car, and this decision is making me feel equally
insecure. I tried getting my brother in law involved, but he doesn’t
want to be blamed if anything goes wrong later. How can I compare
apples to cantaloupes?

Confused

 

 

Dear Confused:

Instead of looking at this problem as one big number, try breaking it
down into component parts. Then compare both diagnosis and
prescription for each of them. The dry rot will be the most mysterious
because, as you say, no contractor has x-ray vision. Even sliding a
camera underneath and taking some pictures won’t give the same info
as hands on wood, so no one will know how extensive it will be to fix.
So since you’re going to make a decision based on other factors, that’s
where there is some trust involved. As well as knowing their hourly
rate for that kind of work.
The roof and deck problems are easier to quantify. Get clear on what
type and grade of wood would be used, or if a composite is better for
your locale. Specify if framing is included. If there are any mystery
variables like retaining or privacy walls, get clarity on whether those
are included. Ask if they use nails or screws, and if the boards will be
dry, green, and sealed/stained. Ask if they add on a percentage for
materials or just submit expenses. Ask what their hourly rate varies by
type of work. Those questions will get you started. I generally end
with, Is there any other intelligent question I should ask you? The
more willing a contractor is to engage and address problems before
they start work, the better communication you are likely to have once
work begins. Ask for references from people for whom they completed
similar work. Then trust your brain and your gut, and hope they say
the same thing.

Not Anteed Up

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I love my husband. He’s a great provider and a good father. He works
very long hours in a stressful sales job, and pulls in mid six-figures
including bonuses. We are finally living in our dream house and have
three beautiful children (2, 5, 8). The problem is that I do a lot of solo
parenting because of his crazy work schedule. And (the big AND), that
in addition to working late and entertaining clients after, he has a
weekly Friday nigh poker game that he says he needs to unwind. I
knew he bet on sports when we married but I think his gambling has
crossed some kind of line. His moods seem very variable. He’s
generous about telling me to hire housekeeping and kindercare help,
and understands I need yoga classes to stay sane. But this isn’t how I
thought things would be.

Not Anteed Up

 
Dear Not Anteed Up:

You’re describing a situation that’d sound familiar to many mothers
married to successful professionals. Certainly such dilemmas with net
positive bank accounts are better than those in the red. But yours has
the potential to go across the line without some intervention.
Gambling, like any other addition, is not self-limiting. Your husband is
trying to buy your complicity with a blank check to do what you need.
Money can be spent only once. If he loses it at poker tables or a bad
game, you’ll have bigger problems than how to pay for yoga classes.

 

If you’re hoping for a solution that doesn’t include a discussion about
gambling with your husband, you’re out of luck. You can prepare for it,
but you cannot avoid it forever. Just like there are support groups for
the families of alcoholics, there are support groups to cope with
gambling. Go online and look for local networks and meetings. Go and
ask how to have this conversation. If you have a rabbi or other
confidential counselor, do the same. Be cautious about confiding in
relatives if you hope to have control over the timing of the
conversation. Think about everything from direct deposit of his
paycheck and bonuses to who controls the checkbook. Hardworking
hubbies should have an allowance for their fun. But it shouldn’t be in
ways that could cost them the roof over their family’s head or the love
and respect of their wife and children. This is scary and you’ll want to
delay. Start by educating yourself and enlist help along the way.

Everything Changing Fast

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My wife and I bought a house in a college town five years ago. The
market never goes down, but is also not going up as quickly as the
rest of the world. We are in the beginning of a reasonably friendly and
mutually desired divorce. In order for the process to finish we need to
figure out the value of all our assets, from our retirement savings to
our 70’s rock records. She’s moving away but I have to decide if I
want to keep the house or not. It needs lots of fixing up but we’ve
been here five years without having done it, so it’s livable. I could do a
lot but have no idea what my finances will be in the new reality. Catch
22. Chicken and egg. Insert all the platitudes you want, but the
bottom line is that I don’t know what to decide. I do want the divorce
to happen. Too many decisions to make at the same time. How can I
rank my priorities, including whether or not to keep or sell the house?

Everything Changing Fast

 
Dear Changing Fast:

When life gets reorganized very quickly it sometimes makes sense to
keep your center stable. I’m not a financial expert, but if you can
afford the current payments by yourself (assuming they’d stay the
same if you don’t sell or refi) then my vote is to keep the house for
one year. That’ll give you time to get all the circumstances of the
divorce finalized, understand what your needs are for living alone, and
get used to being a single guy again. After you have lived for six
months by yourself you will have a while lot more information than
you do now.
If you like living alone, don’t feel the house is too big, and feel like the
DIY projects give you a hobby and enhanced living space, then you’ll
probably decide to keep the place. If the market has shifted a lot,
there may be advantages to staying, refiing, or selling. And though I’m
not a financial advisor, it seems likely interest rates will stay low, even
if they’re no longer at rock bottom. Make the divorce simple by not
tossing the house into the mix. A side note: very few divorces are
friendly. If you can keep yours that way, more power to you.

Contest Mama

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Among the joys of coordinating fundraising our non-profit is dealing
with raffles. My team is a great set of hustlers. They canvassed the
local business community for prizes for our annual dance and raffle
and got forty, count them, forty prizes. They range in value from a cup
of coffee daily for a week to a three-day weekend at a vacation cabin.
The bad news is that we now have only fifteen days to run the raffle.
Our goal is to raise awareness of the organization and raising
attendance at the upcoming fundraiser: a summer formal ball we hold
under the full moon. One good thing: because one of our board
members owns the local FM station, we get lots of free airtime. How
can I use the donations well?

Contest Mama

 
Dear Contest Mama:

My gut says divide the prizes into two sections: some for the publicity
and others for the event. Rank them in value. Use the lesser half for
the publicity. Ask the radio station to announce the contest for a few
days first: entry free to all. I don’t know the per person cost of the
fundraiser dance, but consider having anyone who the radio contest
entered into a special drawing for a free pair of tickets to the dance.
Be sure each ad for the drawing and each pull of a name mentions the
name of the non-profit, its mission, info about the big event, plus your
website.

 
The radio contest can be answer a trivia question about your
community or organization, a simple pull the name out of a hat for
people who email in, or the __th caller after the announcer says dial,
with the prizes awarded one or two times a day starting now. Three
days before the event have a drawing for tickets, with participants
(other than call-in winners) having to enter on your website. Then give
the dance tix away with fanfare. The rest of the donations you can do
at a silent or live auction, or as a door prize pulling names out of a
hat.

 Word Spinner

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

About six months ago, I got downsized from my advertising
job of ten years. While I’ve been looking for something real,
I’ve subsisted on unemployment and odd writing and editing
jobs. I’ve stayed in touch with my old co-workers because I
genuinely like some of them and also because if the
company does rehire I want to be at the top of everyone’s
list. My problem: My old buddies act like I’m still there in
terms of asking for favors I always did for them: Can you
please edit my son’s scholarship application. I need to write
to a noisy neighbor. Please help me with a cover letter for a
job app (sssshhhhhh). You get the idea. I want to help but
even coupla hundred dollars I’d make make each month
from their calls would make a difference. How can I politely
ask them for money?

Word Spinner

 
Dear Word Spinner:

Ask politely and consistently. Explain it is a cold and
expensive world outside the safety of a Monday-Friday job.
Say you’ve been supplementing your dwindling
unemployment with writing jobs and that you cannot agree
to help everyone who asks for free any longer. You can say,
If were just you asking I could do the favor. But I get calls
weekly from people I care about, each wanting an hour or
two of work. I’ve decided that for old friends, especially old
colleagues with whom I’d like to work again, I’m going to
have a special discounted rate that’s half/two-thirds (?) of
what I charge the strangers who’ve responded to my
marketing efforts. That means what you’re asking might cost
you $25-75. That’s probably small to you but in the
aggregate makes a big difference to me.

 
Some may recoil at the idea that you are monetizing a
friendship. But for most people, $25-75 is a bargain to avoid
writing a difficult letter or being responsible for something as
important as college essay. For those who act offended, say
you’re happy to help out when you have a steady income
again, but for now the freelance money is the difference
between paying your bills on time each month and sliding
down the rabbit hole of debt. Anyone who cannot
understand that logic is no one you should help out for free,
either now or later.

Done?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year I celebrate birthdays with three friends. Theirs are
December, January, and February. Mine is May. The gifts that we
exchange have gotten more moderate over the years but they’re still
in the $20-25 range, and used to be in good taste. Theirs certainly are
because it is during the end of year art and holiday sales. But by the
time my birthday comes around people feel partied out, gifted out, and
ready for summer, not for brunch schmooze. Last week I got a movie
gift card and two re-gifts, or at least one (that the friend had
complained about receiving in January) and the other was also
suspect. These are ld friends but I have less and less in common with
them. I still enjoy them one on one, sorta, but we all sat there pretty
quietly and when I drove away my mood was more relief than joy.

Done?

 
Dear Done:

You’re describing relationships that have run their course. It’s always
hard to let go of friends, especially because as we age there’s always a
fear that we may not meet new ones to replace them. But if you have
less and less to talk about, and don’t feel well loved or respected, it’s
time to re-evaluate your relationship.

 
Call them one at a time and ask to meet for coffee. Explain you have
some questions you’d rather discuss in person. If any of them does not
say yes, don’t bother dialing back; that’s enough information. For the
ones that do, have the kind of conversation you would with someone
you have dated for a long time and aren’t sure you want to continue
seeing. Explain that brunch felt flat and you want to have a
relationship conversation. You risk, btw, that the first will immediately
dial the others, so choose the one you care about the most as your
test case. Ask what your friend feels sustains and nourishes the
friendship. Then wait for an answer. It is always hard to do that,
especially if there is awkward silence. If you actually get into a
dialogue, explain that from now on you prefer to get together one-on-
one, and rather than spending money on semi-obligatory gifts you
would rather go to a show, or a walk, or a museum, or share an
activity where you’ll both interact and be engaged. Repeat this
exercise with each of them and see who picks up the phone and invites
you to play, or whom you are moved to call. Time will resolve this
pretty effectively.

Is 75% Enough?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My ex and I were together for twelve years. We’re lesbians but that
matters only in the sense that neither of us adopted the other’s bio-
child. The oldest, hers, just got into a very expensive private college
which she prefers to a state school. She got very little financial aid and
I am being blamed (!!!!) because my family and I set up a trust fund
for her education. There’s about $150K in it now, which is roughly
three-quarters of the tuition/room and board that would be required.
It’s on the other side of the country so there’s travel and incidentals to
pay for as well. Assume we’re about $75K short.

 

Her mother, who took me to court (and won ?!?!) to get access to the proceeds
of a vacation home that I owned before we got together is pleading poverty.
She’s a real-estate agent. I know the market is bad and the vacation cottage
may not sell for a while. Also that she doesn’t like to work, as
witnessed by the significant depletion in my own net worth during our
time together. I want Hannah to go to the college she wants to, but I
don’t feel that I should have to foot 100% of the bill. The clock is
ticking on saying yes. I know they’ll keep coming back to me for
everything and as much as I love Hannah she is brainwashed by her
bio-mom. I also don’t trust my ex not to skim funds for herself.

Is 75% Enough?

 
Dear 75%:

I think you have some solid ground to stand on regarding lifting more
than half the expenses, and some righteous leverage to put your ex’s
feet to the fire, assuming you don’t want to pay 100% of everything.
I’d counsel an email, to both of them, that goes roughly like this:

Dear Hannah/Ex: I’m glad you decided on Good School over State.
Here’s my understanding of costs. Four years will be about $200K. My
family has put about $150K into funds for Hannah’s education. I’m
happy to transfer that into a trust fund in her name, and to have that
fund administered by an attorney who will pay the school directly. In
addition I will put another $25K into the trust fund after the vacation
home sells. I’m happy to be able to help you go to college and hope
you succeed in your dreams. I think this contribution is a strong show
of love and support. I think Ex should be able to contribute the
remaining amount of tuition/expenses those out of her proceeds from
the sale of the vacation home. I love you lots – Mom
Nothing can keep your ex from trying to nickel and dime you to death.
But you can set some boundaries that have legal teeth.

Feeling Hosed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This may sound like small potatoes to you but it could end up costing
me several hundred dollars. I bought a house last year. About a month
later some people showed up to work on the sprinkler system, saying
they’d had the contract for the house for years. I asked them to not do
the work until I had called for bids. I ended up using a different
contractor who did the work and winterized it. Today I came home and
the original contractor’s crew was there doing work, work that I had
not requested. When I asked what they were doing they said they had
a work order for but could not produce. I asked them to leave, even
though they said they’d found a problem when they turned it on and
that they were trying to fix it. Sure enough, the system doesn’t work
properly now. Each contractor is blaming the other and refusing to
work for free to fix it. Am I stuck? And how do I choose between
them?

Feeling Hosed

 
Dear Hosed:

The contractor whose employees keep coming back uninvited seems a
little more suspect, though if you tested the system before you bought
and it worked, it may in fact be that they’re actually better at what
they do. I can understand the second contractor’s reluctance to take
responsibility for a job where other hands have disturbed how it was
left. So, yes you may in fact be stuck paying someone to fix your
water lines.

 
Ideally I’d call contractor number three and ask for an estimate to fix
your system. When you have a bid, ask each of the other two what
they would charge, in the latter cases, asking for a discount given the
history. Also ask for references from each of them, though sadly
anyone can pretend to be anyone on the phone or email so references
unless they come from someone you know and trust aren’t always that
valuable. Ultimately you’re going to have to make the choice to work
with whichever one you feel most comfortable with, unless your
neighbors can vouch for and recommend someone. The punch line is,
Get out your wallet.

Not Laid!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had what I thought was a simple house remodel project. Eight years
ago when I got divorced I painted every wall and ceiling and got
carpeting, among other investments. I also tried to erase every shred
of my ex from the place. Having bright colors and clean surfaces was
great, but I made a mistake with the carpeting. Six years in it looked
lousy and this year I decided to bite the bullet and replace everything
except the guest room. Insert research, shopping, cost comparisons,
and incredibly precise planning about timing the installation.

 

Now that I live alone I am extra careful about lifting and carrying heavy things,
and planned the carpet install when my neighbor’s son would be home
to help move a lifetime of books and other heavy things from where to
there and back again. The evening before it was to happen I got a call:
the installer hurt his back. Push back one day. Fortunately my bed was
still in place. The next day the replacement installer picked up the
carpet and pad but never showed up. He later said he thought it was
for next day. Eventually a different replacement came and did part of
the work but I was told it would be another two days before someone
could come back and finish. I’ve paid for half. I want the work done.
What discount seems reasonable to you for my lost time and found
angst?

Not Laid!!

 
Dear Not Laid:

Has a remodel or house project ever gone right, where right is on
time, on budget, and to the satisfaction of the home-dweller? I’m
talking the history of time, not just your personal reality. I’d bet good
money that even when our ancestors lived in caves that there was lots
of kvetching and handwringing over drippy messes and drafty smoky
rooms. That’s neither excuse nor explanation for your shoddy service,
but it might help with perspective.

 
Focus on getting the work done correctly. Live with the chaos as well
as you can until the work is complete. When you are asked for the
remaining payment ask what discount has been applied for all the
aggravation. Whatever they offer you (unless it’s zero :-), ask for
double. Aim for 10% of the bid. Some of what happened was not in
the control of the company. But enough was their fault that you should
get some kind of break. BTW, if they balk, remind them that bad
reviews spread quickly in our modern age. Yelp, yelp!

Gifted

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m getting ready to retire and trying to budget. Before the holidays I
talked to all the folks in my extended family, many of whom are trying
to do the same – some from necessity and others from choice –about
not doing gifts in the traditional way. We talked about various options,
like limiting them to under $10, or re-gifting things we weren’t using,
recycling things we loved and knew others needed, donating to
charity, or anything other than spending hundred of dollars on
unwanted and unneeded more things.

 

It worked great.
Then, last week at synagogue, one of my newer friends, with whom I have
never exchanged anything, handed me a jewelry box. When I demurred she
insisted that I open it and inside was a pair of earring that have
nothing to do with my folksy style. I thanked her and put them on at
her insistence. But I am uncomfortable both with the gift and any
perceived sense of obligation.

Gifted

 
Dear Gifted:

You have a range of choices from full honesty and disclosure to polite
avoidance. Only you can decide what’s going to get you close to where
you want in this friendship, and whether this person gets different
rules than the folks you’ve known and loved for years. There seems
something askew to gift out of obligation rather than love. But you’ll
decide at least in part based on your knowledge of the friend. If she’s
the formal type and doesn’t see you wearing the earrings regularly in
public her feelings are going to be hurt no matter what. Ditto if you do
not gift her something, if not for the holidays then for, say, her
birthday.

 

But if you are genuinely trying to get off the merry-go- round
of gift buying and giving, you’re going to have to risk her disapproval.
My suggestion is to bring them with you, box and all, when you next
meet. Say you were very tempted to break your resolution for her,
since you are new friends. But that after much thought you have
decided to tell her what you should have said when she gave you the
gift: from now on you are not gifting blah blah blah. You can
acknowledge that her values are different than yours. And be sure to
praise the earrings. But say you would not feel comfortable keeping
them and that she should give them to someone who will be able to
enjoy them. You’ll know how the friendship is going by whether she
moves closer or further from you after the convo.