Category Archives: Finances & Giving

Loving Eldest

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My parents’ 50th wedding anniversary is this coming June. I want to do
something special and sentimental for them as a gift. My rich siblings
are going to send them on a cruise but I’m the underachieving English
major. Any ideas on what will wow them that money can’t buy?

Loving Eldest

 
Dear Loving Eldest:

I’m a sucker for sentiment, as are most folks who’ve been happily
married for fifty years. I think a memory book would be a lovely gift.
Think somewhere between a scrapbook and an online album. You can
decide later what media format works for you and your parents. My
choice would be to offer both a digital and a hard-copy formal for folks
who contribute, and for you to assemble an actual coffee table album
for them to browse through and have an online collection for folks near
and far. You could use FaceBook, or spotify.com, or others, where
people can submit pictures, text, even audio files. Browse the web and
see what works for your level of techno competence.

 
Don’t underestimate the logistical challenges. Start now by making
lists and a calendar. Think through the steps you’d need to complete
for content by early May, because you’ll need time to put it all
together. Identify those nearest and dearest to your folks. That can
include old friends, former colleagues, people from everywhere they
participate. Think synagogue, sports teams, bridge group, political or
volunteer organizations, etc. The biggest risk you face is that someone
will inadvertently spill the secret, so whenever (as in each and every
time) you contact folks make sure you have the words SSSSHHHHHH
– IT’S A SURPRISE!!! at the top and bottom of the request and
conversation.

 

Then offer various ways that people can contact you with
stories (maybe on your voicemail or by email), photos, or other
mementos of various aspects of your parents’ life and connection with
them. You can organize it chronologically or other creative ways. But
the most important thing is to make sure your parents know they are
well loved by people in every sector of their life. I suspect that this will
last longer in their hearts than a vacation.

Loyal, But Not That Loyal

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

One of my friends is starting a business. She and her partner have a
grand vision that includes international licensing and franchising,
trademarking, the whole ball of wax, and an expensive ball it has
become, in terms of legal fees and start up costs. All this without
opening the first door of their first location, a unique concept for after-
school programs. Unique but in a crowded field, bad economy, and
awkward location. I tried to give advice at the front end of this
process, last year, when the first of flush “Wow we have a great idea
that’ll set the world on fire”!!! occurred. There was too much
excitement for rationality to be heard, and I valued the friendship too
much to be the bearer of bad news. So I just kept expressing bland
support. Now they’re in trouble and trying to round up investors, all
without having even the city space permits that’ll allow them to open.
I have declined to share the “give us money please” request on Face
Book and now my friend is angry with me. I don’t want either to lose
her or suggest what I think is a bad investment. What to do?

Loyal, But Not That Loyal

 
Dear Not That Loyal:

Every friendship has its own rules. Some friendships are volatile and
wide open, with every subject amenable for discussion. Friends like
that sometimes fight when they disagree, but they also know how to
communicate and talk things through, and the friendships can become
stronger over time. Other friendships narrow over time, exactly
because friends start or become conflict averse. Over time, exactly the
things that might bring them closer if they resolved themselves can
slide off the table and the friendships become hollow and more formal
when the ties that bind are slacker.

 
Sit down with your friend and say something like the following: I have
tried to be supportive of your venture. I also tried to give you advice
early, when you had resources that now seem to be depleted. I’d like
to help you, but my money is tied up. [No need to explain that in more
detail.] I’m not comfortable asking friends to support a venture that’s
not up and running. There are banks that do that, and I am happy to
share your brochures with people who are interested in this kind of
business. But my FB friends are not your demographic. When you have
doors open I am happy to tell those with children about it. She won&'t
be happy. And yes the friendship may suffer. Unless you are willing to
open your wallet or give access to your friends, that’s the most likely
outcome.

Happy as Is

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been an unofficial fairy godmother to the children of various
friends since they were tots. That include sgifts of money, helping
with college essays, and providing an auntie-like ear and perspective.
One has graduated from college; he is now selling insurance and
financial advising. There’s no way I would trust a 22-year old with my
investment money. I might consider changing insurance if it was
better than what I currently buy. But I have a 20+ year relationship
with my agent, who has served me well. And policies that do what I
want, including giving me 25% of my premium back if I do not file
claims. I like David and want him to succeed, but not at any cost to
me. He keeps telling me he wants “to practice his intro cold call” on
me and that I am “not obligated to do anything but listen.” But now he
wants to meet, then give me a bid, and compare what he can offer to
what I have. I know I will be pressed by him and his mother to switch.
Is there a graceful way to just say No if that’s what I prefer?

Happy as Is

 
Dear Happy As Is:

It may not feel graceful, but the way to say No is simply and
consistently. I’d say Yes to all the steps along the way, starting with
listening to his phone pitch. Then critique it very systematically and
honestly. Give him the kind of feedback you would if he were a student
whose term paper you were grading. When he persuades you that
meeting with him is really a good idea for you (as well as for him), go
ahead and schedule it. You can refuse to show him your current
coverage and costs. Talk only in terms of his product and his company
and your needs. Ask him the tough questions you would ask any
vendor, and give him feedback on both his presentation and the bid
that he’ll come back to you with.

 
You can review his bid and consider it. You can even have him give
you another one in a year, assuming you reject the switch. Explain to
both him and his mother how happy you are that he’s found a job in a
profession that he is passionate about. Give him pointers about
building a client base. But you do not have to shift companies just to
encourage his career. Selling anything is an acquired skill; building an
insurance clientele is a long-run enterprise. You may choose to change
down the line, but don’t be pressured now to do anything you don’t
want to do.

Future Donor

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in my 70s and reasonably well off. I don’t have family whom I feel
a need to subsidize with my assets after my demise. I’m not a Grinch,
but the meshpochah are well enough. I’ve begun thinking about death
more lately, after a brush with cancer. I am in remission and according
to my doctor I could have a long life. But I could also die a lot sooner
and all the money I have saved could be doing the needy some good. I
want to put my money where my mouth and votes have been going
for the last fifty years. I know that once I raise this issue with
everyone from my synagogue to non-profits that I will have to fend off
the planned giving managers. Do you have any pointers about how to
open the door without inviting a stampede?

Future Donor

 
Dear Donor:

This is a great time to talk to your attorney. That’s the only way your
wishes can be legally protected. You can call, ask, get information, and
indicate your wishes. But a legal document is your best protection that
they’ll be observed. Though even then, unless someone cares enough
to monitor and enforce, you have to assume you’re giving a gift to an
organization you trust.

 
Choosing wisely is an important first step. In a preliminary call to
every group you’d consider giving money to, ask for a meeting with a
planned giving rep. Ask what minimum makes it worth their time to
talk to you regarding possible conditions attached to bequests. Explain
you’re thinking of a donation in the $10-50K range. (I just made up
those numbers; adjust as needed.) Say you have specific opinions
about uses – e.g. direct assistance to those in need, a library fund,
social justice policy, whatever matters to you. Explain you still need
your money now, but that you’re happy to share once you’re gone.
Ask what guarantees they will give that your wishes will be honored
and a bequest will not disappear into a general use fund. Ask if they
have specific language for you to put into your will. Then narrow the
targets to make the money used most effectively. Kudos to you for
putting your assets where your heart is.

Dreaming?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My boyfriend and his twelve-year- old son moved in with me three
years ago after he lost his job as an electrician. It was early in the
recession and I loved him so thought I could handle supporting us all
until things got better. The bottom line is that I pay for almost
everything, from rent to soccer shoes to vacations, which is a lot on a
hairdresser’s salary. His contribution was supposed to be at least $500
a month and remodeling the kitchen. We rent from my mother who
thankfully lives far away. She’d have tossed us a year ago if she could
see how we live. Two years later I have no cabinets or counters and
come home to a drinking smelly stoned guy who wants sex. I think I
am done with him but want him to finish the kitchen before I end
things.

Dreaming?
Dear Dreaming-

To adapt an old adage, you are throwing good months after bad ones.
I&'m no contractor but even for a semi-employed handy person, two
years seems like more than enough time for this project. And if you&'re
supporting his drinking and smoking habit in addition to rent and food,
you are seriously undercutting your own self-interest. The role
modeling for his son is also bad.
My suggestions are these: Start by giving him notice instead of sex.
Warning the Lysistrata strategy doesn&'t always work. Lysistrata btw (in
case your classical education did not exist) was the leader of Greek
women who refused to sleep with their hubbies until they ended a war
and declared peace. Even if it doesn’t get you kitchen overnight, it will
get his attention. He may respond by laughing or whining, but if you
hold firm he will quickly realize you are serious. Tell him that you’re
forgiving the past but he now owes you pick a number, say $1000 a
month rent and utilities etc. Also that if he doesn’t pay for this month
and next within 30 days that he has to move out. Say you’re going to
use the money to hire someone to finish the kitchen. Say that working
on the relationship is going to happen only after it is done and only if
you are still living together. Make it clear that if he wants to earn his
way back into your good graces it’s going to take more deeds and
dollars than words.

Landlady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a modest rental in a student neighborhood. I need the income
to supplement my retirement. Seven years ago I rented to a very nice
young man, a house painter. Because he seemed so responsible, I
slowly lightened up on my visits to check on the property. When he
started being late on the rent his father covered for him. But then I
got an email two weeks ago saying he had “fallen on hard times” and
was moving out. Not the 30 days the lease requires. When I went by I
found out that he had two dogs! I’d been explicit about no dogs when
he rented. Then I found out he’d been using the place as a marijuana
“grow house.” In addition to the legal issues, the dirt and water ruined
the carpets. I had to spend $6K to get the house rentable again,
money I do not have. I know you cannot get blood from a stone, but I
am angry and out a lot of money. What to do?

Landlady

 
Dear Landlady:

You have a clear choice. Eat the costs, or try to get your former tenant
(or more likely his father) to share them with you. He may do it
willingly (unlikely) or motivated by the threat (or reality) of a lawsuit.
Given the litigious branch on this decision tree, I would encourage
sticking to written communication. That&'s also consistent with how he&'s
communicated with you.

 

Try your luck with this message.
Dear Renter/Dad: When you gave me notice you neither paid the last
month nor gave me the 30 days warning explicitly required in the
rental agreement. Also you used the house in ways that were not
authorized in the lease. When you rented we specifically discussed the
no dogs rule. Using the house to grow marijuana is a clear violation
of appropriate use. The aggregate of pets and agriculture made a
mess of the rugs and walls. It has cost me more than $6K to re-carpet
and paint. While I understand there are normal maintenance costs
associated with rentals, these are neither among them nor appropriate
given what you signed when you rented. The $6K is an outrageous
amount that I do not feel I should have to bear alone. I’m asking you
to step up and share the costs with me. If I do not have a positive
reply and a check from you within two weeks, I shall be forced to
consult an attorney.

 
If this works you can decide if that&'s a sufficient contribution. If not,
you&'re back to paying it yourself or suing.

Fed Up

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have been a member of my congregation for ten years. I’ve always
paid dues, gone to services for yartzeits and High Holidays, and
attending things like the congregational Seder. Recently I was
recruited to work on a committee, and was both honored and
enthused. Now, six months in, I feel like a blindfold has been ripped
off my eyes and it is difficult to give cheerfully and without cynicism.
The chair of the committee organizes everything around her own
schedule, wastes half the time apologizing for being late and
unprepared, and much of the meeting time is spent figuring out how to
juggle the politics of big donors and their needs for public recognition.
That doesn’t begin to cover my annoyance and frustration. Do you
think it is possible to change a system that isn’t corrupt in a money
way but that feels morally bankrupt to me? If so, how?

Fed Up

 
Dear Fed Up:

My guess is that there are at least some other folks on the committee
who feel as you do. Anyone who has worked with a disorganized and
self-important person in charge of their life and time, whether it is at
work or as a volunteer, has faced similar discontent and frustration.
Sadly, plain speech is usually not well received and often gets one
discounted, shunned, or fired.

 
Here’s some suggestions that may seem like more work that you want,
but have the advantage of making it clear what is being done and not.
Volunteer to be the minute taker for the next six months. That allows
you to frame what has been said. End each set of minutes with a list of
action items, who&'s responsible for doing what by the next meeting,
and an agenda/date/and time that it will occur. If the meeting start
time comes and the chair is not there, ask the other attendees if they
are willing to start with the agenda. Those that say Yes are possible
allies. Offer to head a subcommittee for a topic you care deeply about.
Be willing to ask during a meeting what the criteria are for honors, if
they are clear to the rest of the congregation or just tacitly
understood, and if they are up for review or change. Have tea with the
likely allies and listen to their views. If necessary, ask how often the
chair rotates, but only if you are willing to wait out the transition and
put on that hat.

Penny Foolish

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m having lot of trouble adjusting to changes in my life. I was recently
laid off but the company is paying for my health insurance through the
COBRA period. Because I am getting unemployment, the change in my
income is roughly a $500 a month decrease. That’s tight, but not
drastically, or at least shouldn’t be if I could adjust my lifestyle to my
financial realities. Part of the problem is that with so much time on my
hands it is too easy to go out and spend money. I am eating at home
more but I am also spending more on groceries and just out and
about. How can I get a grip on my new reality?

Penny Foolish

 
Dear Penny Foolish:

There are three things in life that function pretty similarly, though the
consequences to mishandling any of them vary quite a lot: time, food,
and money. Each involves issues related to: good and bad choices;
incomplete, delayed, or zero gratification; insufficiency of resources,
vows and failures; and generally pleasure denied at the costs of
meeting obligations to necessity. It would be grand if we could all eat
and spend as much as we wanted when and how we wanted, not
necessarily only for personal satisfaction. In a universe of infinite
resources you might even be a busy, thin, philanthropist. But the
average human would likely end up a bloated coach potato with too
many things.

 
My point is that you need to apply the same principles to a money diet
that you would if you wanted to lose weight: make up a budget and
stick to it. Start with the necessities: rent/mortgage, utilities,
insurances, taxes, all the non-glamorous aspects of life. Then think
about the daily and monthly expenses and how you can adjust your
behaviors. Things like haircuts (go a little shaggier), food (eat less),
entertainment (budget movies), clothing (mend don’t buy), etc etc etc.
In every category, think about where you can trim. I emphasize trim
not slash. Because if you can make changes at the margin of every
aspect of your life, you may be able to avoid having to cut out
something bigger that you truly value. $500 is not small change in
anyone’s month that I know. But it is enough that you will almost
certainly feel the changes. Unless you’re prepared to do something
drastic, like taking in a boarder, or go into mounting debt (bad bad
bad)!!! You should learn to make these changes.

Choosing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

The holidays are upon us again. It seems like it happens earlier and
earlier every year. I’m not a Grinch and not a cheapskate. But I feel
like one every time I lift a twenty-pound newspaper full of sale ads, or
when I list everyone (family, friends, work colleagues, newspaper boy)
who might expect a gift from me or who might give me one. Do you
have any good ideas on how to communicate my reluctance to spend
scarce resources on consumables at a time when so many people are
suffering from income inequity and real financial distress? Thankfully I
am not among them but I feel much more of a responsibility to help
the needy than to gift the entitled. I and everyone I know are among
the 99%. How can I raise consciousness above credit card balances?

Choosing

 
Dear Choosing:

It’s not too early to start communicating your preference for non-
gifting. Whenever you’re in a conversation about the holidays, tell
people that you’re not doing any traditional gifting this year. Any.
Explain that the politics of the day have made you realize that you
want to use the holidays to share ideas more than stuff. Ask anyone
whom you might think might gift you to do the same, or risk feeling
that they’ve spent their money on the wrong person.

 
Put your energy into list making, with a cover letter. The cover letter
should explain your philosophy of the season. You can wrap it in a nice
card, and accompany it with anything from a gourmet chocolate bar to
a little fine tea, something that costs less than $5 per person. The lists
can be: lists of charities to which you’ve donated the money you would
otherwise have spent on gifts; or great books you’ve read and/or
movies or music you’ve encountered during the year that touched you
in some way; or names of organizations in your community that need
volunteers. Say you hope they’ll understand your choice and perhaps
even emulate it in the future. End by inviting them to participate in a
one-day action helping a specific local charity. They may not
understand or participate. But you’ll be walking your talk.

Angry Sis-in- Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My sister-in- law is a leech. She’s never once even reached for a check
when we go out. She inherited all there was from my husband’s
grandfather. His parents support her regularly with big gifts to
subsidize her alimony from her ex. We get nothing because we both
work, and because my husband is a man and supposed to support his
family. She called yesterday asking if he would co-sign the loan papers
for my nephew’s private school tuition. He’s “too sensitive” to go to
public school. She got laid off from her job as a teacher. She’s “too
used to summers off” to take a regular M-5, 9-5 job, even though any
idiot can tell that teachers are an endangered species. My husband is a
softie. I just want to say no. How do you rule?

Angry Sis-in- Law

 
Dear Angry:

There’s no point being angry. You married into a dysfunctional family,
and my guess is that unequal treatment around money is the tip of the
iceberg. There’s not much you can do about your parents-in- law.
Unless you divorce your husband you have lots more inequity to look
forward to. So this is a great opportunity to work on your marriage
and decide what limits you’re going to set for your sister-in- law. She
may be entitled and setting unreasonable expectations in her children
She may legitimately need more than she has. But you do not have to
subsidize you’re her family any more than you and your husband
agree to.

 
Have a family meeting. Agree on an annual budget for the sister-in-
law and her children. It can be $100, $1,000, $10,000, whatever you
want and can afford without bitterness in your own home. Then
communicate that to her, preferably through your husband. Explain
that though you both work you have a mortgage, retirement etc of
your own. Say you wish her well, do not begrudge the inheritance she
got that your husband did not (even if that’s a fib) but that you cannot
take on legal responsibility for her family’s lifestyle choices. Say you
have a budget for gifts and emergencies but not for school or other
major expenses. Suggest she consult a financial adviser, but that
cannot be your role. She’ll be angry. She’ll ask again. But eventually
she’ll get the message if you do not equivocate too much.

Stiffed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been helping myself to lose weight by juicing for breakfast. I know
it is a semi-fad, but it is helping me, and my doctor approves. I bought
a very good juicer to replace a technically lesser one I bought five
years ago. A friend who was inspired said she’d buy my old one from
me, but said she was short the cash until the end of the month. I said
no problem, but was clear that I was selling it to her at a discount
because she said yes first. Two days later I could have sold it for more
and told her, but she said, “Our friendship is worth more than $75.” I
waited. No check. Today she called to say she could not afford it (after
spending $20,000 on a new car!!) and a different friend was lending
her one for free. When my first response was dismay, she said “I
thought you’d be happy for me!?!” What do I do now? PS The other
possible buyers have since found juicers.

Stiffed
Dear Stiffed:

As a very wise person once said, don’t sell anything without getting
paid in cash. Or if you do, think about what you’re giving the other
person on spec the same way you should if you loan money: assume
you’ll never see it again. In this case, getting the juicer back is a step
ahead of never seeing it again. You still have something to sell on
Craigslist or EBay, or to try and inspire yet another friend with.
Regarding your friend, her comment demonstrates a narcissistic
streak. A more honorable person would have asked if you could wait
for payment until she was able to sell it, and explained the
circumstances. That would have left you the option of taking it back or
waiting for the money. In this case, you got the juicer back and
learned something valuable about your friend, all for $75. Juice away.

Want to Help

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just got a job in a very poor rural school district. I teach English as a
second language to all district students, grades 1-12. Ignoring for the
moment, please, any issues related to the politics of immigration, can
you help me figure out how to compensate for the fact that virtually
none of these students live in a home where they get support from an
English-speaking parent and most are even poorer than their English-
speaking schoolmates. I started an after-school homework club so I
can work individually with the most motivated of them, many of whom
are latch-key anyhow and have no safe place to spend time after
school. I don’t mind volunteering my time and energy, but I can’t
make up for an entire school system’s budgetary deficiencies. And
these kids are poor, poor, poor. They seem to have nothing but the
clothes they show up in.

Want to Help

 
Dear Want to Help:

A great technique one of my teaching friends uses is a Prize Box. It
works something like this. Kids who come to the after school
Homework Club can earn coupons by completing their homework, and
perhaps half of a coupon for showing up. When they earn five coupons
they can use them to trade for things from the Prize Box. What’s in the
box? Anything that’ll attract a kid’s attention.

 
You can find all sorts of things for free or very cheaply in your own
home and at garage sales. You can also solicit donations from your
friends and family. Try emotional bait like this: Wanted for my very
underprivileged students: Small objects for my classroom Prize Box.
Do you have any cool things you want to clean out of drawers clear
and out of your life? Good prizes are anything from cool rocks, to
action figures; books, books, books; beads, crafty items, or jewelry;
figurines, games, DVDs, or anything your kid loved and is still in
presentable conditions. If you have donations (sorry no tax break),
put them in a bag and email me. I’ll pick them up and say thank you.

Side-seat Driver

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband had a horribly botched hip surgery several years ago that we finally
settled with the doctor’s malpractice carrier. We have enough money to buy a
new car (which we’ve not had in a decade). My priority, and what he originally
said was his, was a car in which he could sit for long periods (still the biggest
long-term damage) so that we can resume our long-held hobbies of hiking and
bird watching. The problem: most cars are like recliners and he needs to sit up.
We’ve established which cars meet the criteria, but he keeps getting distracted
by “great deals” on used cars, even though they won&'t solve the problem. I feel
like money dropped from the sky and we should use it to get exactly what we
need for the long run. How can I get him back on track?

Side-seat Driver

 
Dear Side-seat:

Given the prices new cars go for these days (double what my parents spent for
their first house), I understand his instincts to cheap out and get “a deal.” But if
the money came as remediation for a disability that will be with him for the long-
run, I agree with you that paying for long-term comfort, mobility, and the ability to
travel to further destinations should be the primary criterion, with all others a
distant second, third, etc.

 
Let him go through his process on getting a deal but impose some boundaries.
Make a list of all cars of no older than say two years in which he could sit without
damage for at least two hours at a time. Then canvas local dealers for new and
used models that are on the list. Establish a maximum budget for the purchase
from your settlement. If you can get a deal, hoorah. But do not be penny-wise
and pound-foolish. It&'s not money from heaven. You earned it the hard way but
you can still spend it only once. Choose wisely. Happy and healthy adventures to
you both.

Bleeding Money

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help me with a decision about money. A few years ago, just before I
turned 65, I decided to get long-term care insurance. The price was
high but less than it would have been if I had waited and had only a
ten-year premium payment period (relatively rare). But now, as I
review my financial priorities, I realize that $4K a year is more money
than I want to continue to spend for a policy that I may never need,
and that will support the last three years of my life, which, while it
might be closer still seems far away, while my more immediate needs
are more interesting and compelling. I have no children or partner
(though you are welcome to my two exes I supported for decades).

 

In my recent serious illnesses I have relied on friends and neighbors,
whom I know are relatively uninterested in wiping my butt when I’ll
need it and whom I would not expect to burden with that. But I’ve
developed a plan to divide my home into an uneven duplex and to
offer free room and board in exchange for caretaking. I bought the
policy from the newly-minted insurance-salesperson son of a close
friend, whom I think made some mistakes in his relative ignorance,
including failing to point out that should I ever wish to cancel I
wouldn&'t have any kind of built up equity in the policy. So do I
abandon the four years of premiums paid and trust that I may never
need long-term care beyond my theoretical tenant, or do I keep
paying for another six years, which is enough to pay for the duplex
remodel?

Bleeding Money

 
Dear Bleeding Money:

First you should ask your agent (who probably knows more now) if it is
too late to add a forfeiture rider to your policy. I’d bet money it would
require a new medical assessment, and could be expensive relative to
continuing to pay for the next six years. Only you can do the financial
cost benefit analysis and know whether you even have access to the
money for premiums.

 
Think about the money you spend each year on home or car
insurance. Most companies don’t give you a refund if you don&'t have
an accident or your home doesn&'t have a catastrophic event. Most of
us are happy never to speak to our agents, and some companies do
offer a percentage rebate for years of zero claims.

 
You sound happy not to be married any longer. I&'d suggest viewing the
premiums as a “single tax.” In your head, reframe the premium
amount as a roughly $10 per day cost you’re paying not to have a
partner you&'re supporting. And any future caretaker you’d install in a
future duplex will be happy to have help wiping your tush and other
sundry functions, assuming you need that done for you.

Not Giving Any More

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
This is very awkward. There’s a woman in my widest circle of friends
(this includes my congregation, artistic circle, book group, etc.) who is
dying of cancer. She’s doing it very publicly and as far as I can tell
willing to exploit the sentimentality, sympathy, and wallet of anyone
she knows and everyone they know. Many people like her and think
she’s a sensitive saint. Frankly I have found her petty and self-serving,
and while I wouldn’t wish cancer or death on anyone, the public
spectacle is annoying me and making me resistant to going to any of
the fund-raising events that are being given in her honor. How can I
tactfully decline to participate in her circus?
Not Giving Any More

 
Dear Not Giving:
You&'re entitled to your opinion of this woman. But I’d suggest that not
sharing it, with anyone, is the right course of action. Whatever she did
to you, or whatever she to engender such feelings in you, is at vast
contrast with how others feel, or say they do. Once a community has
bonded around an image of someone, especially someone who is dying
very publicly, it doesn’t change. If you utter so much as a peep
against her you’ll become the target of everyone else’s latent feelings
of being put upon, as well as the righteous anger of those who love
and care about her, and who’ll wish it were you instead. So button up
your mouth and stop any unkind thoughts from passing your lips. You
may even be right, but why upset anyone by saying so. And if you’re
wrong, save yourself the shame.

 
What you can do is recommend that a fund be started for her at a local
bank. It’s pretty traditional for similar circumstances. It allows people
to deposit (anonymously) for her medical expenses. If there isn’t
already one, start one and encourage others to give. If there’s already
a fund, give so you can say you did (I’m sure you can afford $50).
When you’re invited to an event, you can reply, I can’t go but I gave to the                            So-and- So Fund. I hope she heals quickly or goes easily. If
anyone attempts to engage you more in more conversation you can
legitimately say, I can’t talk about it any more. It’s too upsetting.