Category Archives: Friends

Altruist

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I am a veterinarian who works with rescue organizations in cases of
major emergencies and natural disasters. In my time in Texas the past
few weeks I have witnessed acts of great heroism and great cruelty
and indifference towards pets. I’m proud to say that I helped a great
many helpless, abandoned creatures that might otherwise have died.
What do I say to my clients and neighbors here who are accusing me
of abandoning them in their time of need and “running off to help
strangers when I needed you!”? I value my clients and my neighbors
in Florida. When I got assigned to Texas no one knew what would
happen here. I trust that my professional peers who were not in Texas
will be just as heroic and diligent as I was when they work in my
community. How can people learn that we are all connected and
should care for one another rather than hoarding and blaming and
being only out for themselves?

Altruist

 
Dear Altruist:

It always fascinates me during periods of great crises, natural disaster
or war, how human nature tends towards the extremes. Hard times
bring out the best in many, even thankfully most, of us, and the worst
in a few who make all problems worse. Compared to physical violence,
looting, and threats and coercion, emotional guilting is a relatively mild
form of acting out. But it speaks to the same limited consciousness
and selfishness as the worst of the bad extreme.

 
You are to be commended for volunteering to go into danger zones.
The whiners should be chastened but I suspect that is not your nature.
I’d like to think they would find greater compassion once they are out
of imminent danger, though sadly that’s likely not going to happen.
Give them a pass for now, and send an email to your clientele both
now and just before you deploy next time. Remind your clients that
you serve a wide population in need, and that if they need help while
you are away, they should contact so-and-so. Wish them good health
for themselves and their critters and remind them of your years of
service. If they choose to leave your practice, wave at their departing
tushies and seek out kinder folks. This is the season to heal the world.
Thank you for doing more than your share of the heavy lifting.

Boundaries Needed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend with whom I run hot and cold. I suspect she feels the
same about me. For years we were close, but the friendship eroded
over a variety of factors, from disapproval about who was dating
whom and how that impacted the friendship, to matters of synagogue
politics, and because of misunderstandings of a small nature that felt
bigger because we cared less about one another. Nothing fatal but we
drifted apart, except for monthly movie/meal evenings and
conversation between plays watching football. Her house is being
remodeled and she has taken to sending me texts saying, I’d like to
come watch the game, the Emmys, etc etc, without asking if this is
good for me or even suggesting that she will bring anything for the
meal that occurs during those times. I know she is not trying to be
rude, but I feel very taken for granted. In the spirit of the season,
what should I say?

Boundaries Needed

 
Dear Boundaries:

In the spirit of the season you should be honest and also welcoming.
In the Tree of Life there is a very intentional balance between chesed
(loving-kindness) and gevurah (boundaries/discernment). It is fine to
apply both to get to a balance. Tell her you’re glad to be a hostess to
her during her dislocation when it works with your schedule. Ask her to
give you as much notice as possible so you can try to accommodate
what she needs, and say you will alert her asap if her timing doesn’t
work for you.

 
When you have opened your home to her, and are sharing a meal (to
which you may or may not choose to ask her to bring something she
could pick up easily along the way), tell her that you are happy that
you two are closer again, and past the difficulties of the past. Tell he
you enjoy her company when you connect, and, in the spirit of the
season, want to be sure that any past elements of disagreement have
been resolved. That conversation will either bring you closer or less so,
either of which will shift where you place your welcome mat.

Concerned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Four of us have been friends for about twenty years. We’ve seen one
another through divorce, chemo, bankruptcy, job changes, and house
buying, selling, and remodeling. Along the way there have been any
number of misunderstandings or arguments, but like the four
musketeers we have stuck together through thick and thin. Now one of
our number (I’ll call her Sarah) seems to be falling under the weight or
collapsing systems in her life. Her marriage has been in trouble for a
while and one of us is pretty certain that her husband is having an
affair. They have gone bankrupt once and now she is unemployed
after complaining for years about how much they struggle even on two
incomes. We all spent today at an arts festival. Three of us spent no
more than a food-cart lunch, but (you guessed it) Sarah donated
almost $100 to the local economy. None of us said anything but you
could feel the silent sound waves. Do we just mind our own business
or should one or all of us step up and tell her what we are seeing: a
friend in a tailspin who needs help?

Concerned

 
Dear Concerned:

You should most definitely not all turn on her as a group. If you do,
you will see only defensiveness and withdrawal. Yes, clearly your
friend is hurting and struggling. Retail therapy of $100 at an arts
festival is not enough cause for alarm that you need to stage an
intervention. But context matters, and if she is clearly in distress you
are obligated as her friends to pay attention and not stay silent.

 

Usually in a friend group there are dyads that are closer than other
combos. The one who is closest to Sarah should take point on this,
scheduling lunch or coffee at her earliest convenience. I’d recommend
doing this at home as opposed to in public. Without poking her sore
places too hard, encourage her to get emotional. Crying is far better
for healing than retail therapy. Once she has unburdened the top layer
of pain, help her develop a strategy for coping: counseling for her;
marriage counseling for them; help finding work; financial counseling;
and perhaps a one-time consult with a divorce lawyer so she knows
where she stands. Secure assurances from the other two friends that
they will play tag team in a support system for her until she is through
this hard spot. And then help her rebuild her life in whatever direction
it goes.

Middle Gal

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was in Human Resources for thirty years and was quite good at it. A
friend of a friend asked if I would help with a job search for her new
receptionist/scheduler, a part-time position in her physical therapy
clinic. I agreed to do it, in exchange for a few free sessions and an
exercise plan for my aches and pains. After she posted the position
she told me that one of the applicants was a young woman who had
been dating her son through and since high school (seven years),
whom she really loves and hopes will become her daughter-in-law.

 

She said we wanted a buffer in case the young woman was not the
right applicant, and to have an interview that would be professional
and objective. I felt a little sandbagged but agreed. Bottom line is that
the young woman presents herself very well, but does not have any of
the technical skills (electronic medical records, Excel, and more) that
the PT requires. In addition, when I called a friend who works where
she does, I heard some things that would give me pause even if she
were well qualified. There are several other, better qualified,
applicants. Do I just aim her their way or tell the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

Middle Gal

 
Dear Middle Gal:

I think you do what you agreed to do: help the PT identify the best
candidates, and do not include the future daughter-in-law in the mix.
If you have three candidates who are truly more qualified, your job is
easy and you can easily explain your rankings to the PT based on the
requisite experience and skills for the job. You could rank the future
DIL fourth and suggest that she interview her last, after the more
qualified candidates. That allows her the benefit of hearing for herself
what others bring to the table. Then, if she still wants to hire the
future DIL it is her decision and made for non-professional reasons.
Unless what you heard was so egregious that it endangers the health
or safety of the future family, I would back channel to your friend that
there were more qualified applicants and to please keep what she told
you confidential. Seven years is a long time for a mother to inspect a
future daughter-in-law. One conversation should not derail that, even
if she doesn’t get the job.

Sad Mommy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I had to find a home for my beloved cat because my husband couldn’t
overcome his allergies as we had hoped he would when we married.
One of my former employees said that she and her fiancée would be
happy to give him a good home, so we delivered him into their care.
Now I have found out that they are boarding him with some friends
until they can relocate into their new house. I feel terrible for my
sweet old guy, whose life was easy and simple until I got engaged and
started to leave him alone more and more. She is no longer my
employee but I do see her at meetings in the firm. Should I say
something, or just trust that it will all work out in the end? Is this just
maternal guilt speaking?

Sad Mommy

 
Dear Mommy:

It sounds like a bad case of guilt, but also understandable. You
certainly cannot take it out on your employee, but you can use the fact
that you work in the same place to communicate with her. Simply drop
by her office and plop yourself down in a friendly way, and ask How’s
kitty doing? Let her tell you what she wants, and then gently ask
questions until the story comes out. I’ll stress gently, because unless
you are prepared to take the cat back, you are going to to have to ride
out your jitters about the transition. So many pets that are unable to
be cared for end up in shelters and worse, that you can appease your
guilt by knowing you found a good long-term situation for your boy,
even if it isn’t a nice neat one-step process.

 
My recommendation for future pets, especially if you and your
husband are going to have children, is to carefully go through all the
pros and cons before you introduce an animal into the household.
Losing a pet is hard no matter how it happens, and worse when you
have to explain it to kids.

Earplugs?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help me with a problem with a relative and politics. We were
completely on opposite sides of most issues in the last election. This
caused unbearable friction in the family, most of whom are liberal
Democrats. But one cousin, the eldest son of the eldest son of my
grandparents, at whose home we tend to celebrate the big holidays,
because they are sill alive (!) and we love them both, is not just a
diehard conservative, but openly scornful of “fool and idiots” who have
social values different than his. We agreed on ground rules last year,
but as this new president (whom many of us consider a “fake
president”) has begun to attack institutions that nay of us hold dear
and even are employed by, the cousin has become emboldened again.
At Passover he took over the floor for long, pontificating rants that not
only were offensive but also disrupted the Seder. No one knew what to
do and we couldn’t just leave, though many of us wanted to. Finally my
grandfather said “Enough!” and he shut up, but honestly it’s enough
that there is talk in two generations about avoiding any gathering he
attends. Do you have a recipe for family unity?

Earplugs?

 
Dear Earplugs:

One rule can be: zero, absolutely zero, discussion of politics or the first
offender will be summarily ushered from the family gathering. You can
distribute a pledge form and ask every family member to sign it prior
to attending. Another might be to agree that it is okay to talk about
politics but not more than one sentence, or the person will be escorted
out. Another, which is not very democratic, would be to disregard the
one outlier person and say that since 90+% percent of the voting
members of the family agree on a point of view, no other opinion is
allowed to be heard. But that’s the kind of thinking that has brought
this country to our current political standstill, so I am not advocating
that solution.

 

 

Since autumn there has been a wave of listening classes that have
allowed split relationships, be they familiar or friendships, to heal by
learning how to talk about subjects they disagree on. It has worked in
places like Northern Ireland and South Africa, so I’m betting your
family could pull it off. Google to find some ground rules and see if you
can all get a lesson in living in a world that’s not a bubble. You are not
alone in this, and in many families it is akin to the US before the Civil
War, which is not healthy for any of us.

Hellllpppppp

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have two friends who used to be very close. One (A) is like a sister to
me, and the other (B) I have bonded with more recently, starting in
the middle-school period for their sons, who grew up like brothers, in a
semi-competitive but loving way. A moved away from being down the
block from B, to get her son into a “better” school. A moved back to
the original house for high school and they were neighbors again, but
less close. The boys are now both college grads, having ended up both
in the honors college of a nearby university, and been roommates
most of the four years. A’s son moved away for grad school; B’s son is
looking for work in the same city as his girlfriend, which, believe it or
not, is in the same town as the one A bought a few hours away,
because she is moving again, this time probably for good. A said no,
because she is letting the daughter of a family friend stay there for
free while she recovers from losing a job and fiancée, and wants to go
there herself on weekends so she and her husband can get it ready for
their relocation. The house is huge and the lower floor is a rentable
two-bedroom apartment that B’s son would pay for. Appreciate that I
hear these stories from both of them and if I did not I would never
believe it was the same story. Both expect me to validate their point of
view and I am unsure what to say. There’s more details but that’s
enough for the outline.

Hellllpppppp

 
Dear Hellppp:

I actually got out a pencil and paper and tried to keep track of the
characters in this little drama until I realized the issue has less to do
with anyone’s relationship but A’s with B and B’s with A and both with
you. So here’s my advice to all of you, which will be yours to
implement by saying to both of them: Stop talking about one another
and start talking to one another. I refuse to carry tales between you,
but if you ask my opinion I will start telling you the truth and stop
nodding so you think I agree with you.

 

 

I can understand A’s reluctance to fill a house full of twenty-
somethings if she is planning on living there. But if she visits only on
weekends, I would assert that she is responsible for setting all the
ground rules, including telling all the kids that when she is there, they
need to find different crash pads. Coming down from that draconian
stance, she should treat B’s son and the distressed family friend pretty
equally, especially if B’s son is like a brother to her own son. The kids
can share the lower part, all for free for a month or so. After B’s son
gets a job he and the girlfriend can agree with A on rent or find a place
of their own. But the big lesson here is simple: don’t be the person in
the middle.

Peeved

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was asked to give input for the first annual review of a new rabbi in
our synagogue. Generally I like him, but like any newcomer to a
community that has long history, he has fallen into some bad habits,
and clearly has been influenced by a political clique that sees him as a
fast-track to accomplish ideas that much of the more mainstream
congregation has resisted for a long time. I was interviewed by a
member of that group (who is on the Board) and was not as discreet in
delivering my point of view as I suppose I should have been. Now I am
hearing myself misquoted by people who were not in the room, or on
the Board, even though I was assured the process was completely
confidential. Should I attempt to set things right or just let it blow
over?

Peeved

 
Dear Peeved:

Politics and gossip go hand in hand like so many other ills. Both are
difficult to control or suppress, and like the feathers once released
from a pillow, can spread far and wide with no one to contradict the
rumors or speak your truth except you. That said, the more you
inflame a controversy or story, the more energy you give it. My
recommendation is to be very focused in your response and your
reprisal.

 
I would send an email to the Board chair, cc the person who
interviewed you. In it you should say roughly this: Dear Chair: I was
interviewed as part of Rabbi X’s performance review by Person Y. I
was told my remarks would be confidential. Perhaps I was naïve to
think that meant not merely from the Rabbi but from others as well.
Since the interview I have heard myself misquoted by people who are
not even on the Board, let alone in the interview. Please instruct
Person Y to set the record straight and stop gossiping about me. You
cannot control what will happen next. But you can be sure Person Y
will not like it.

Outraged

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Next month I am supposed to have a reunion with my best friend from high
school. We recently reconnected on the internet and I was really looking forward
to seeing him again. He planned to stop over for a weekend on a business trip.
My wife and I invited him to stay with us. We had planned lots of fun activities
and some hang-out time. Now I find out he’s planning on staying in a motel. He
told me it was because of allergies to our pets, but when I spoke to his wife (also
an old friend), she said it was the first she’d heard of them. It turns out that he’s
planning on bringing his girlfriend along. Am I a prude because I don’t want to
pretend it’s all okay? Should I tell his wife? They’ve been together for 25 years
and she’s put up with a lot, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t know about this.
Now I feel like I am lying to her.

Outraged

 
Dear Outraged:

What angers you the most: your best friend knocked off his pedestal, being used
as a shill in this adulterous sideshow, or that the weekend is blown?
You’re only part of this if you want to be. But get clear on what’s appropriate.
Your job is to tell the truth. And so is his. The good news is that you get to tell
him that. While it is marginally possible that his wife already knows about the
girlfriend, it is your friend’s responsibility to tell her, not yours. You can hold his
feet to the fire and tell him that, and do so without a shred of equivocation. I’d be
very clear about what your own values are, and that you’re not going to
compromise them because his morals are a lot more elastic. But I wouldn’t email
or voicemail a message like that to his home.

 
Communicate your views with only a few tablespoons of self-righteousness,
though my guess is that it will sound loud to him. But you don’t have to pull any
punches. And you don’t have to host his affair.

Not Cheap

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was recently invited to a 70th birthday party with for someone who
I’ve known casually from synagogue, volunteer work, local politics,
and mutual social. The invitation said “No cards, no gifts” so I wrote a
lovely card and was happy to attend a brunch at supper that turned
out to be more like a dinner. There were piles of political bumper
stickers and window signs to support various causes, which I took to
honor our mutual values. I saw many people I knew, and each one
came in bearing a gift. I was somewhat confused because I felt like I
had followed the rules. This is a community of like-minded souls but I
was surprised that I felt as badly as I did. Should I apologize
retroactively or just let it go?

Not Cheap

 
Dear Not Cheap:

When a host tells you what to do about gifts, I take them at their
word. There’s a big range in desires: some people make a list of
charities to contribute to while others request gifts from the registry
where they have identified what they want down to the brand, size,
and color. It’s completely at the discretion of the celebratee/host to
ask guests, and of the guest to do what they want and feel is right. I,
for example, loathe giving gift cards, while others think it is the perfect
solution.

 
In this case you should send an email and basically say, I saw a lot of
folks come in with gifts, which I understood was not what you wanted.
I felt badly, because I value our friendship, which has evolved from so
many different strands in our lives. Please let me know which of the
following places you would love me to make a donation to in your
name. Then include a list of organizations that you feel reflect your
mutual values, focusing on the ones that support the signs she had
provided for guests.

On A Roll

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve been somewhat crazed and monomaniacal for the past few months working
on a big project. It’s the kind of thing that could make or break my career, so I
have had much less time for the hand-holding chit-chatty kinds of conversations
that I am often the one to initiate with friends. In general I am a caretaker
personality, and often give my friends up to 80% of a given conversation to talk
about their troubles. Now, while I have been gloriously optimistic and energized
(the external world notwithstanding), they have been struggling with all manner of
tsoris. In the past week two if them have snapped at me while I’ve been talking
about the upside possibilities in my future. How should I approach them to make
nice?

On A Roll

 
Dear On a Roll:

In a real friendship, people understand that sometimes the balance of
up and down, happy and sad, etc will fluctuate and be uneven. Most
friends are happy if their buddies succeed, and even grab onto the
coat tails of their joy and energy to help pull themselves out of a
trough. If two of them snapped at you it is a signal that you may have
crossed some invisible line, where no matter how attentive you have
been in the past, they simply don’t have the reserves to cope with
your positive energy now.

 
Take a little break from schmoozing till you finish your project, say a
week or so. Any attempt to mend the rift now will look self-serving and
even insincere. Then reach out and ask how each is doing and if
there’s anything you can do to help them through whatever their
immediate stress is about. If you really are a caretaker, you’ve
probably helped them in the past, so if they’re smart they will let
bygones slip away and say thanks and tell you how to be useful. At
worst, just go back to listening. If your project pays off, be sure to
start off with, Are you ready for some fabulous news from my life?

In the Middle

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m caught between two feuding friends and unsure how to help reconcile them.
It’s not a shooting war, or even a war of words. It’s more like the Cold War in its
waning years: lots of snippy sniping comments, judgmental jabs, and (at least
from my point of view) a distancing that has become habit, instead of the habits
of confiding in one another, going for quick walks or coffee dates to catch up, and
generally feeling like the other is an ally, not a rival. To top it off, one is in a long-
term crisis with two members of her family having significant health issues (a
dying mom and pre-surgical husband), while the other just bought a new house
and got a promotion. I can see the stressed-out friend getting more and more
weary as she struggles and the on-the-rise one getting less tolerant and
impatient as she pursues her new and busy future. They both talk to me, and I try
to be a friend to both of them. Should I try to bring them closer together or let
nature take its course, whatever that is?

In the Middle

 
Dear In the Middle:

There’s a limit to what any third person can do to untangle two feuding parties.
But that doesn’t mean don’t try. Think peace talks in Ireland or truth and
reconciliation in South Africa. The only thing that matters is getting folks to talk to
one another. It’s critical that you NOT, repeat not, try to talk for either of them to
the other. You can listen, and you can make suggestions. But you should not
carry stories back and forth nor should you try and tell either of them what to do
or think.

 
Instead, you should talk from your own point of view, expressing to each
individually the sadness you feel seeing two people whom you know love and
respect one another being unhappy about the state of their friendship. To the one
who is up, express patience for the one who is down. For the one who is in
stress, ask what you and/pr others can do to help. Suggest that you all go out for
drinks, with other friends, as a way of normalizing some social time. And if all
else fails, just say, I think you two need to talk. This has gone on too long. I hope
they listen.

Other Side of the Fence

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

We had a terrible storm in my area a few weeks ago. I had
massive debris on my lot. Trees down, some up to 60’ tall. It
is a difficult lot to access and it would have saved me
hundreds and hundreds of dollars to be able to access my
back yard though a neighbor’s drive and orchard so they
could pass brush over our fence instead of hauling it all
around the house. The neighbor said no, and chased off my
helping crew with an actual gun. Now I hear that his mother
has died. Normally I would write a lovely note, drop of a
casserole, and ask what I could do to lighten the family’s
burden. But I am angry as well as annoyed. Can I just slip a
note in his mailbox and be done. Or to I have to be more
neighborly than I feel?

Other Side of the Fence

 
Dear Other Side:

Good fences apparently don’t always make good neighbors.
Ultimately your neighbor has the right to decide that
damage to his orchard outweighs your costs to clean up. It
may be un-neighborly but it is well with both legal and
horticultural boundaries. I’m sure you are annoyed but at
some point letting go of your anger will improve not only
your relationship but your attitude towards life.

 
Losing a parent changes people. Do what you would
otherwise do. Write a personal note with an anecdote or two
about his mother. Perhaps cite some act of generosity,
though not too blatantly in contract to his actions. If you
don’t want to cook for him that’s understandable. Go to the
market and pick up something easy, even a pie, and leave it
on his doorstep with the condolence note. Then go about
your business. Also, start a list, if you don’t already have
one, of atonements to make next Yom Kippur. Put your
neighbor on it. Forgiveness is a much lighter burden to carry
than anger.

Just Friends

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Several years ago I met someone on line that I was attracted to but he was not
attracted to me. Over time we became friends. Even though he lives an hour or
so away, we would get together occasionally for supper or a movie. I got to know
a lot more about him as a friend, and learned enough to know if would not have
been a good relationship for me. He needs a level of emotional caretaking that I
cannot provide, and has some deep-seated issues that, while he is working on
them in counseling, would become flash points in an intimate relationship. This
weekend, while we went out on a rare Saturday evening, he was the perfect
gentleman: opening car doors, insisting on paying for everything, and then sake
in an offhandedly joking way, “I haven’t been on a date in so long!” I playfully
replied “Oh Baby” and we hugged goodbye as we do. Now I’m wondering if I
should say something to forestall some change in his mind about who we are
together, or just wait it out. What say you?

Just Friends

 
Dear Just Friends:

I think you wait it out. He could have just been feeling lonely and/or
playful or thought you were lonely. Sometimes it’s nice to take
someone out and be a gracious host(ess). Perhaps he came into a
windfall and wanted to make you feel special. Unless he follows up
with specific romantic intentions, e.g. moving in for a kiss, or starts a
conversation about the mistake he made a few years ago by not
getting involved with you in a real relationship, simply steer clear of
that territory.

 
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have an answer on tap. If anything
happens that is overt, look him squarely in the eye and say, I love you
as a friend, but I don’t want to change how we relate in a big way. I
was sorry back then, but now I think we are in a good place, and the
right place, with one another. I hope the friendship continues as it is.

Hurt

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

When I lived in LA, a long time ago, I had a friend who was a very needy person.
At the time I was a single parent, and we were neighbors in an apartment
complex. So even though we did not really have a lot in common, we spent lots
of time together because she was lonely and often invited my son and me for
dinner. Eventually I moved away, got married, and have had a happy and
successful life. We drifted apart, but once every few years when she passes
through the area on a trip we have her for dinner. Frankly she has become more
and more unsettled, moving from drinking far too much to living on a medley of
pills that would fell a horse. We are officially friends on Face Book but we haven’t
spoken in a year. I tried to connect to say we’d be in LA for a long layover on our
way to a vacation, but she never returned the calls. When I posted how happy I
was that I would be seeing a different friend, she launched a vicious tirade
against me about what a cold person I was and a bad friend. I was shocked. Do I
reply, or let it go?

Hurt

 
Dear Hurt:

Because she posted something publically, for all your real friends to see, I think
you need to answer there. But avoid escalating a tit-for-tat posting war with
someone who is neither a current friend not particularly stable-seeming. Just
reply with a mild, I’m so sorry. I left you several messages to try and connect, but
by the time you replied here our time was filled. I’ll let you know the next time we
pass through. Please message me your current phone so we can catch up.
You don’t need to be in any rush to actually contact her beyond a first try, which
you should attempt within a week or so of getting her number, assuming she
actually sends it. But if your life is successful and happy, and you have even less
in common than you did so very long ago, you can close the door on this chapter
of your life whenever you feel done with it. Just avoid slamming it or she may
haunt your posts.