Category Archives: Breakups

Summer’s Coming

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I know you must get letters like this all the time but I am confused
about getting back together with my ex. To be completely truthful, I
don’t want to go back to the “relationship” part of what we had. But I
would like to go back to the sense of closeness, and the physical
intimacy we shared. We were great lovers, good friends, but lousy
partners. We just disagreed on too much about the real world, from
peace in the middle east to childrearing. So we either argued or made
love. We’re both single (broke up 1.5 years ago), and after the first six
months of being polite around each other have finally relaxed and are
now even better friends than we used to be. I can feel the sexual
tension fluttering around both of us. I know it’s not just me because of
things she’s said. Is it crazy to want another dip in the pool?
Summer’s Coming

 
Dear Summer:
You sound too immature to be in a real adult relationship. While I have
no opinions about your sex life in general, it sounds selfish to suck this
woman into your vortex of need. Even though you feel the vibe might
be mutual, it takes each of you down a road to nowhere. It does sound
like you’ve moved to getting clear of the bad aspects of how you relate
to one another. So why set up a situation that’s only going to stir up
all the frustrations about the non-intimate aspects of how you related.
I recommend that you move on and allow her to move on too. The
more you cling to the easy-access memories you have of one another,
the harder it will be to be open for a real relationship, one where you
actually have to treat the other person as an equal and invest some
hard work, time, and energy, at least as much out of the sack as you
want to get into it. Grow up and learn what it means to treat others
well.

Horrified Hostess

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:
I usually hold a Seder but because I had the flu had to cancel instead.
A week later I had the usuals over for supper. I had intentionally
invited one of my friends, but not her “ex” of six months. I say ‘”ex”
because even though they “broke up” six months ago, they’re still
living together in an upper/lower floor duplex (they used it for his
dying mother for years, then as a home office for her). I invited her,
because he left her for a younger woman (now broken off). She,
without consulting me, invited him “because we’re family.” I’ve known
them for thirty years but am so disgusted by him that I can’t stand
seeing him let alone entertaining him. He spent much of the appetizer
course talking about a trip to NYC with his now ex-quickie. I didn’t
throw him out, but took him into kitchen and read him the riot act.
Now she’s angry with me for being rude. We agreed to trust what you
said.
Horrified Hostess

 
Dear Horrified:
While I’m empathetic with your horror, unless you specifically told
your friend, I am not inviting your ex, she can be excused for
assuming that a pattern of thirty years was still in effect. She sounds
like a loving sap, and I hope you’ve advised her to get a good divorce
attorney, or she’s going to give away a lot that she might not
otherwise have to.

 
As for the decider, I vote with you. Since I don’t know what your riot
act sounds like, I’ll qualify that if you could be heard outside the
kitchen you might lose some points on style. But as for content, you’re
right: he sounds like an arrogant boor. His story was not only
inappropriate, it was rude and hurtful. I would make it clear to her for
the future that when you invite her, it means just her, and she’s to
check with you before she decides to bring him along, or decline to
come. As for him, I suspect your riot act convinced him he’s not on
you’re a-list, but if you feel rude enough yourself to drive in the last
nail, you can tell him now that he’s not invited any more. I’d probably
counsel against it, because your friend will get defensive about him all
over again, but it drives the point home.