Category Archives: Sickness & Health

Quicksand

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve had a pretty tough year. I had health challenges that left me
debilitated, lost a beloved parent and a beloved dog, and had the
company where I’ve worked for twenty years skate perilously close to
the edge of bankruptcy. I’m feeling fragile and shaken and not very
secure in any sector of my life How can I use what’s left of the High
Holidays to set a firmer footing to go forward?

Quicksand

 
Dear Quicksand:

Much of the discussion about Yom Kippur is about interpersonal
relations: asking for and offering forgiveness for slights real and
imagined. It’s a chance to clear the air and enter the New Year with an
emotional sense of solidity. It won’t cure your work or health
problems, but it should make you feel as though your friendships are
intact. So do that and know you have friends.

 
Another way to think about atonement is internal. Think back a year
and see what gives you a pang, a sense of regret, even a caught
breath, a feeling that if you had a chance you would take what golfers
call a “mulligan” and kids call a “do-over.” Yom Kippur is a chance to
forgive yourself and move on. You might wish you’d done things
differently. Next year you should take every chance to do exactly that
in similar situations. But for now, clear your soul.

 
Go back and clean up whatever messes accrued in your wake. That
may mean conversations with bosses or co-workers, children or
partner. Then change how you talk to yourself about whatever
happened. And also how you talk to other people, from your doctor to
your next beloved pet. Nothing lasts forever, even grief and sadness.
A lot has to do with your attitude. Resolve to write a new, better, and
different story for the next year.

Daughter in Law

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I do not want you or your readers to hate me or think I am an unkind,
unfeeling, or horrible person. But I have lived in a small world of hurt
for the past sixteen months, after my mother-in- law moved in our
home, making it and my life a living hell. She is mean-spirited, sharp-
tongued, manipulative, nasty, ungrateful, unhappy, and generally
unpleasant. I have tried being solicitous, kind, friendly, helpful and,
when that failed, have occasionally tried to be more withdrawn,
leaving my husband to take greater responsibility for her care,
something he tends to avoid, out of a mix of denial, shame, fear, and
generalized reluctance to take care of household chores other than
repairs. She has the usual mental decline of age exacerbated by what
seems to me like selective memory loss, but I have become cynical.
Physically she would probably outlive both of us, especially with the
stress her presence is causing in our home and marriage. That’s what I
thought till last week when she fell, and in the ER was told she had
high blood sugar and needed more careful monitoring.

 

My husband and I had an almost three-week trip on the calendar, planned
long ago and over which we have no control of timing; it is go or don’t go,
leaving in a week. We had planned for in-home care but now have
decided to put her into assisted living while we are gone, so the docs
can get her more stable. The question is this: When we return, should
she stay there or move back with us? My argument: Her ailments are
intermittent but potentially serious; give her better care, which she
can absolutely afford, and give us a chance to remember we used to
like one another. My husband could go visit her daily (he recently
retired). His counter: She’s my mother; she doesn’t want to go there
are at all; it’ll use up our inheritance; I feel guilty. I am past caring
about money that may never come to us but she could use to improve
our lives now by paying to live elsewhere. What say you? Oh yes, PS,
I, who haven’t been sick three days since we married, have had a
series of week or two-week long flues and ailments in the past three
months. I know it is partially stress, but it has cut into my ability to
meet clients and earn our mortgage money.

Daughter in Law

 

Dear Daughter In Law:

Even the kindest, sweetest, most generous of soul and spirit addition
to a household can cause disruption and occasional aggravation. That’s
true when both partners are on board with what’s required for the
daily care and nurturing of an elderly parent. The difficult situation you
are describing, albeit with the relieved joy of a rant to an anonymous
reader, does not seem healthy or sustainable. It’s unlikely to prove a
peaceful and relaxing trip with the Sword of Damocles hanging over
your head about whether or not she returns.

 
When you communicate to her about any or all of this, be sure to
preface every other sentence with Your Doctor Says,…. as the reason
why she is going to assisted living. Be sure the staff reiterates that
medical necessity and her quality of health is the most important
variable that everyone is watching. The question of her return home
should be something that is discussed only in terms of her health and
no guarantees should be made that both you and your husband cannot
agree on.

 
The two of you will need to find a same page to be on. In this
circumstance, one of you is inevitably going to feel like a loser. The
only way of dealing with that is in some mediated forum, like a
counselor, where you can both speak your piece and feel heard. If she
does return to the home, you must be guaranteed time out periods,
perhaps even evenings or weekend time when you visit or even stay
with friends. Even if he uses some of his mother’s money to hire in-
home care, that will help your husband confront the truer impacts of
caring for her, something it sounds like he has avoided. If I were
voting I’d side with you, but I haven’t heard his version.
“For better or worse” sounds like it’s been bad for both and worse for
you, so in my book you have the right to ask for relief, both temporary
and long term. Either that or buy her or you a personality transplant.
And let me know where you found it so I can spread the word.

Gimpy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m having knee replacement surgery next month and I’m trying to get
all my ducks in a row. I am single, though in a new dating situation.
My new honey has offered to do a lot of helping, including bathing and
dressing in the first week, the time everyone assures me that I need
to prepare for help in the home 24/7. Some of my friends (and I note
these are the same ones who are least available to help schlepp me to
PT) are suggesting I go into a rehab place for the first week, BUT I
DON’T WANT TO!!! What should I do? Oh yeah, I’m also told I won’t be
able to drive for four-six weeks but I do have friends and neighbors.

Gimpy

 
Dear Gimpy:

First of all, talk to your doc. See what the general prognosis is for
people in your demographic regarding how long it takes to heal and
hoe long you should expect to need 24/7 care. Simply not wanting to
go to rehab is not quite enough of a reason. If it is medically
necessary, bite your tongue and go.

 
If it is an option, see what the alternative looks like. Set up a
spreadsheet for the maximum duration of your dependency. Set up
the grid day by day, and with sectors for morning, afternoon, and
evening, with specific slots for shlepping to and from physical therapy.
Talk to your new honey realistically. Not much kills romance faster
than changing dressings on wounds and hours of kvetching and pain.
Then start filling in the grid. Ask your self the tough questions, like
Who’s going to sleep here every night? With me or where? Who’s
going to do the cooking, cleaning, housework, and shopping? Who
among my friends is retired and available during day times to drive me
to appointments? How often can I bother them? Ask also at your local
Jewish Federation or the synagogue to see if there are care
committees or volunteers. You may have to pay someone to be with
you, or perhaps to have a neighbor on call after the first week or two.

 

 

So if money isn’t an issue and you can rent help, think about whose
life is amenable to interruption that you would trust.
This is one of those times when a non-working spouse would be grand.
But in the absence of one, see how close you can get before you make
any firm decisions. If everyone does pitch in, throw a thank you party
for them later, when you are up and about. And then help repay the
favor when you are asked to help others.

Racquet Guy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Not to brag, but in my day I was a championship level tennis player. I
won all sorts of awards in college, and was semi-pro, even making a
living for a while before I graduated law school as a club pro. Now my
knees can’t handle the running, and I am looking for a new sport. I am
so much better at hand-eye coordination than most people who come
to the intro classes that I get impatient with lessons. I’ve been told I
can get snappy if I feel like I’m being talked down to. How can I find a
new sport at my advancing age?

Racquet Guy

 
Dear Racquet Guy:

I appreciate you think you’re always at the top of your game. But no
one likes a pushy beginner. Just like, as a young lawyer, you needed
to earn your standing by putting in many thousands of billable hours,
here you’ll need to keep showing up. Everyone in any new sport or
club has to pay their dues. Not just by coming and winning, but by
setting up and cleaning equipment, volunteering to help in group
events, and generally being seen as useful as well as threatening. It’s
not glamorous, but it is a great leveler, and also a way to get to know
the people you hope to trounce. Ask them what they do/did for a
living, about their families and vacations. Play doubles as well as
singles. Become well liked before you are respected or feared as an
opponent. Being a former great and/or an attorney doesn’t get you
any quicker standing in a meritocracy. You are going to have to earn
it.

 
Look at all the related sports you could consider. If squash or
racquetball are too vigorous, look at pickleball or ping pong. Identify
any clubs or leagues in your area. These may be through Y’s or city-
sponsored parks leagues. Made a list of each one’s meeting places and
times and see what works best for your schedule. Do not go to the
most likely one first. Choose a middle tier experience to work out the
kinks from your learning curve, both socially and technically. That will
include learning the rules of a new sport. You can google and study the
rules at home, but nothing beats being on the court/table to drum the
lesson home. Ditto for making new friends and becoming well-liked.

Feel Taken Advantage Of

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My 101-year- old aunt passed away in February. I was power of attorney and
executor of her estate. I’d helped her after being contacted by social services
when she was in her late 80s, because neither her brother nor her sister wanted
anything to do with her. I was warned to stay away by the family, who said she
was not a nice person. Very insulting, etc. She was my father’s sister, and even
he fought with her constantly. During that time I packed up her apartment and
moved her to a very beautiful, and very expensive, assisted living. She did not
get along with anyone. During this time I drove her to all her doctor, dentist,
gynecologist, colonoscopy appointments. I even had to change her diapers when
we went to some doctors. I moved her again. Same thing, and finally moved her
to a very good nursing home. Eventually she ran out of money. I was told to pay
for a prepaid funeral, as that was required for her to be on Medicaid. When she
died I was out of town. My cousin, who is ultra, ultra orthodox happened to be in
town. She called to tell me that she was taking care of everything. I asked that
she wait, but of course she went right ahead for a quick burial without consulting
me on costs that were not included. Now she wants me to pay almost $300
towards the funeral home and an additional $200 for the stone. I volunteered to
give her $100 and wanted to find out about a less costly stone. Do you think I am
obligated to pay any of these costs? Also when her family comes to town, they
eat like it is going out of style (at the restaurant) and NEVER offer to pay
anything.

Feel Taken Advantage Of

 
Dear Taken Advantage Of:

Your feelings are legit. They are also overdue. Your cousin’s family has
become so used to taking advantage of your generosity and good
nature that they’ve managed to forget your fifteen years of helping
out. My guess is that you have not done a good job of communicating
all that you have done during the past while, and that they got very
lazy and hazy about how things were being taken care of. But that’s in
the past.

 
The fact that your cousin made the arrangements without your
knowledge or consent implies she’s on the hook for all of it. Your offer
of $100 will not placate her, but I would send the check anyhow. If she
complains to the family and you hear about it, just remark quietly, I
wish I’d heard from them as much during all the years I was doing all
the care-taking and shlepping. That’ll end the complaints, and if it
doesn’t, you can still feel good about how you took care of your aunt.

Bleep Bleep Bleep

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Does anyone else feel like they’re part of a giant psych experiment by
the smart phone people. Here’s an actual dialogue between me and
the auto-dial- voice: Me: Call Wendy Home. Phone: I don’t have a
number for Wendy Home. Do you want me to call Wendy Home or
Wendy Cell? M: Wendy Home! P: I don’t have a number for Wendy
Home. Should I use the number for Wendy Home? I have been so
tempted to hurl my phone through the windshield of my car more
often than I can count that I have feared breaking a tooth!!! Did I get
issued a dumb “smart phone” or do other people have this problem?
And please note that when I say dumb that is the politest word I can
conjure.

Bleep Bleep Bleep

 
Dear Bleep Bleep Bleep:

Your lament is articulate and widespread. In a time when we rely on
our electronic for more and more, we often forget that artificial
intelligence is as yet a goal, not a reality. I do find myself experiencing
cognitive dissonance when I pick up my land line (I am among the
dying breed) and realize I cannot give it voice command, or that it
won’t give me directions or movie times. But I am also among those
who believe that actual voice-to- voice communication, or hand-written
thank you notes, convey a level of personal value that a text cannot.
We may be old-timers, but at least our generation can still role model
for the young.

 
As for the techno-fix, you will have to consult your phone company
and/or cell phone manufacturer. In this age of electronic snooping and
data mining, you may very well be part of an elaborate experiment,
but if so you are unlikely to discover it by asking. Be grateful for what
your smart phone can do, and hope you live long enough that its
successors live up to your expectations.

Grieving Club Member

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband’s father just died very unexpectedly. It was a huge loss to
the family. I went to help them for a week and while I was there, my
boss’s mother died. She was a matriarch just as my husband’s dad
had been the patriarch. My boss sent flowers and refused to let me
take vacation time, paying me full salary. How can I acknowledge and
thank her?

Grieving Club Member

 
Dear Grieving:

Write her a very personal note. Handwritten is best. Here’s a start:

Dear [Boss]: Thank you so much for the flowers, salary, and most
importantly your support during the recent death in my family. I was
terribly sad to learn you were undergoing the very same grieving
process after [mother’s name’s] death. She was a great person.
Whether the end comes quickly or after a long illness, we who are left
to carry on are no more prepared for coping with the forever absence
of those we love and who were so much a part of making us who we
were. As a wise friend told me, You’ll have good days and bad ones,
and no idea when you wake up which it will be. Grieving is not linear
and tears can sneak up on you when you least expect them. Don’t be
shy about saying “My mother just died.” Everyone has been there or
will be. Sometime when we are all in a better space, lets go have
drinks and toast our departed loved ones. May their memories be a
blessing. Empathetically, [your name]

Then, in a few weeks, send her an email and ask when’s good time to
go out for sharing memories. Being a couple pics of your mother and
ask her to do the same. Share food and drink, and absolutely pick up
the tab graciously and appreciatively.

Sad Too

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the right balance between letting someone grieve and letting
them isolate? This ties to showing appreciation for their lost parent.
Two of my friends had this happen within the same week. One is
Jewish; one is not. Even the Jewish one is not sitting shiva or doing
any of the traditional rituals. I think she feels guilty because she had a
tough relationship with her mother. I’ve offered to help out with
boxing up her mother’s apartment/things but was refused. I dropped
by some matzo ball soup and got a vmail thanks. The other is isolating
and his wife is worried about his mental health. We’ve organized a few
happy hour times but he has declined to join us. I explained how shiva
works, that it is a chance to share with all his friends what a wonderful
man and father he lost from his life, but he is just monosyllabic. What
can I do except wait and trust time?

Sad Too

 
Dear Sad Too:

No one can explain the grieving process. It’s hardest when someone
loses a child. We expect to lose parents but it’s never the right time,
even if it had been a difficult relationship. You are already doing the
best thing you can for both of these people: expressing your love and
caring offering to help, offering to give them some distraction, and
offering them each a chance to talk about their parent and why s/he
mattered and was a good soul.

 
For the Jewish one, consider gathering some other friends for a dinner
at a quiet restaurant. Once everyone’s caught up on the news of the
day, each of you should ask the surviving daughter a question about
her mother. Nothing huge or intrusive, but things like, What do you
realize you are missing? It might get her talking. For the non-Jew,
keep hanging out with his wife and offering her a respite from the
difficulty of living with someone who is grieving and in pain. Suggest
to her that in a while, as in several months from now, she consider
having a BBQ with the expressed purpose of having her husband talk
about his dad. One way to encourage this is to ask everyone who
attends to bring a picture of their own deceased 9or living) parent(s)
so h realizes how universal the pain is. Sharing helps.

Reasonable or Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the obligation of friends to help one another when there’s a
major medical event like cancer or surgery? I’m part of a social circle
that has helped its members as we have experienced health
vicissitudes. The person who needs help appoints a coach/coordinator
who either communicates through email or a website where friends
can sign up to bring meals, be a companion, help with household
chores, etc. Here’s the problem: the friend who needs help is refusing
to go into rehab for the two weeks when she will need almost 24/7
care (after a knee replacement). The irony is that Medicare would
probably pay but she refuses to leave her cat alone. She’s single and
has no relatives to come stay with her. Can we pressure into doing
what is appropriate and necessary by refusing to help until after the
first two weeks? Or are we being churlish?

Reasonable or Not?

 
Dear Reasonable/Not:

There are two separate issues going on. One is medical necessity, and
the doctors will probably make the “how helpful, when?” question
moot because the medical system will almost certainly insist that she
be in 24/7 care for some period of time, likely two weeks, after
surgery. She, of course, has the option to rent that care from in-home
providers, but most people who undergo serious surgery lose a little of
their stubbornness after they are operated on, are in pain, and require
help performing the simplest of tasks, for much longer than they can
anticipate or any of us would choose.

 
Become or communicate closely with the coach as well as the social
circle. Get an accurate sense of who’s willing to step us how often and
for how long. Then map that against the 24/7 needed care. Make it
clear that the friend circle cannot substitute for the rehab center where
she will need to go, at least for a little while. Tell her everyone wishes
her well and is happy to help out once she’s back in the house, but if
she wants 24/7 care up front, it is the Medicare/rehab route or paying
out of pocket, assuming she can convince the medical folks it is viable.
She won’t be happy. But she still needs you.

Lucky Lady

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband loves fixing things. Whether its putting a grab bar in the
shower or cleaning the gutters he is always puttering around fixing
things. He is also a little cheap, so hates it when I suggest hiring
anyone to do anything for the house, even mowing the lawn. The
garden is my domain and I get to decide if I need help. But if it
requires any tool beyond clippers and a hose, he gets to weigh in. H
just had a very minor heart attack. I know this is a great wake up call
for us both about what we eat and how we exercise. But it also made
me realize how completely dependant I have become upon him for
even the smallest thing. If the lights went out, I don’t think I’ve even
had to find the fuse box in this house. How can I get him to educate
me without making him feel any weaker and less of man than he is
feeling now?

Lucky Lady

 
Dear Lucky Lady:

Rather than making him feel useless, I hope my idea empowers him.
He’s going to have to spend some of his time recuperating by sitting
more and doing less. What could be more useful than having him
convert some of the knowledge in his head into a House Handbook for
you? You can frame it as a gift, as a knowledge transfer, or as a to do
list for him when he is more active. But have him go room by room
through the house, either mentally and writing it in a file on the
computer, or by walking around talking to you while you take notes
(that he can later review and edit). In each room, and outside, have
him identify regular chores: e.g., clean sink trap, change filter, replace
ant traps, order supplies, check levels, etc. Tell him that for anything
he identifies that needs to be done to also specify how often and any
tips and tricks that make the task more likely to be successful. Those
can be anything from time of day to time of year. Imagine you were
writing the same regarding, say, care of a rose bush. Get him to share
his knowledge with that level of specificity.

 
Take what he does and convert it into a three ring binder, with each
room on its own page. Then take the same info and cross reference it
with a calendar, so that next January 1 you would be able to fully
complete an annual care cycle for your domain. Set some times to
review this with your husband regularly. Do this in each room at least
once, not just sitting in the kitchen nodding as he speaks. At least
once a year, update the binder. Keep a list of folks to call (e.g.
plumber, electrician) and numbers you might need in a crisis (e.g city
public works, your insurance agent). Also add in copies of warrantees,
service contracts, and dates that you purchased everything from your
frig to your hot water heater. Think like a Boy Scout and Be Prepared.

Buddy

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a friend who had major surgery three months ago.
Once she was allowed to get back on her feet her doctor told
her to exercise daily, starting with walking. Told means
instructed, encouraged, advised, and threatened that if she
did not, she might not realize the benefits of the procedure.
She has settled in to a habit of walking a half a mile every
day. I may be biased about how much is enough, because I
am trying to walk 10,000 steps each day (about five miles)
and happy if I do half. How can I be supportive of her and at
the same time get her moving for more than fifteen minutes
at a slow pace? She asks regularly for my praise.

Buddy

 
Dear Buddy:

Leave the threats to her doctor. Most people respond better
to encouragement than to chastisement. Tell her how proud
you are of her for starting a regular exercise program. Ask
her if her doctor set any specific goals for her, either in
terms of how long she should walk in both distance and
time. Id she claims ignorance, encourage her to contact him
via phone to ask for goals given how long she has been
post-surgical. The idea of goals is not just, What do I do
today? but also What should I be able to do in two months?
Tell her the semi-true story of a former co-worker (I had
one and I will happily lend her to you for this purpose), who,
upon learning that you were using walking for exercise,
handed you a pile of books and insisted that you read them.

 

The single most important lesson you remember is this:
Each day do a little more. Walk one minute further or past
two more houses. Every day stretch it a little. If you can get
her do that, and perhaps walk with her on a regular basis,
she’ll meet her doctor’s goals and her own.

Healthy and Want To Stay That Way

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s contagion etiquette during flu season? I’m talking about people
who show up at parties, bridge games, or sporting events dripping and
sniffling, and then get offended when others who are healthier ask
them to wear a mask, wash their hands, or go home. To be very clear,
I am not a wing nut fanatic about Ebola, though I think we (as in we
The West) should be doing much much more to combat its spread in
Africa. I am talking about simpler diseases like the common cold, or
the flu, which can be the cause of a lost sick week and much more
harmful to those with chronic conditions and the elderly. I know people
can be contagious without being asymptomatic, but am I being too
cautious when I hear people say “I’m not contagious” and don’t want
to believe them. Who should go home, them or me?

Healthy and Want To Stay That Way

 
Dear Healthy:

Short of walking around in a HAZMAT suit, you have no guarantee that
you won’t be infected in the grocery line, at the hairdresser, at work,
or in synagogue. Years I have been a High Holiday greeter I have
almost invariably gotten sick. But those are contact realities that we’re
all exposed to with the frequency that a life of engagement with others
imposes. You could choose to live in at home in a bubble but you’d be
a pretty miserable recluse and likely tire of it quickly.

 
Get used to speaking up when you invite people to your house and
when you accept invitations to other people’s realities. Talk to the
organizers of every place from your health club to your Human
Resources Department. Ask what their sick policy is in terms of
informing people before they show up or asking them to leave if they
are clearly symptomatic. Ebola or not, everyone is more aware of
contagion in fall/winter than in summer. People with children,
traditional germ carriers, may accept a level of contact illness that
comes from undeveloped immune systems sharing every “it” that goes
around. But adults who know better have an obligation to set the bar
higher. If you are willing accept the ire of those who will insist they
know their own bodies better than your caution suggests they do, go
ahead and sing your “Put on a mask!” song loudly. Otherwise stay
home and stay well. PS get your flu shot!

Been Patient!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is a long and painful question so please be patient. God knows I
have had to be. Recently we took my mother-in- law into our home.
She’d been living alone, though having seen her close up—albeit after
the shell shock of tragedy and relocation—it is hard to believe she was
functional. Her memory is going but she’s not so far gone as the don’t-
leave-her- alone-or- she’ll-burn- down-the- house-making- tea stage. But
she is insecure and needy, and thinks someone going out to get the
mail is “abandoning” her. My husband and I go to a three-week
spiritual retreat each April and October. This year I let him go, to
recover, and stayed home with Mom. He’s due back soon. I realize I
have a lot of anxiety about his return tipping the fragile equilibrium I
have created with her. She is very passive aggressive and will play us
off against one another. For example she calls him into her room each
morning to complain and even tell lies about me, and the whole day
starts off tense and goes downhill from there. Do you have any words
of wisdom to keep me from going crazy and wanting to divorce both of
them? This was a kind and happy home for twenty years.

Been Patient!

 
Dear Patient:

I don’t know what agreements you and your husband made before she
moved in with you, but now’s a great time to revisit them. You need
some alone time with him before he walks in the door to remind him
about your family values. Either meet him part of the way or use
phone and email. Tell him what you have observed about how to
manage her and what you think needs to be done to maintain the
equilibrium you spent three weeks creating. He may be coming home
more relaxed but the pit of tension you are describing will hit him hard
and fast.

 
Come to a list of new agreements with him about daily behavior. No
more talking about you behind your back. If Mom has something to
say, then say it a daily family meeting. If she says something untrue,
tell her your side of things. Insist that the house rules of kindness and
politeness are baseline for living in your home. If she can’t be nice, tell
her she can explore outside situations, from group homes to assisted
living. Make sure she has seen a doc and that her meds are up to date
and taken regularly. Find a family support group at least for you and
your husband. Tell him if you can’t make it work without then you will
insist on marriage counseling. Find her activities with peers, whether
they are at senior centers or in the group homes that want new
members and offer day care. Also tell your husband that you have
“credit” for three weeks of solo care. Take time on your own on a
regular basis, and let him see the full brunt of what full-time care can
be. It’s not forever, but it can and will be hard for a while. But if your
husband knows you’re retreating in April and he’s staying home with
Mom, I promise he’ll solve it before then.

Intervention?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother

I have a friend close to the breaking point with stress. I and other
close friends are very, very worried about her. We keep trying to make
suggestions that she just waves off. She says therapy is the only place
she feels safe (even from our “help”), that she is totally overwhelmed,
and that “nothing will ever change.” Yesterday she arrived late before
a football game and almost took my head off because I asked a simple
question, demanded a drink, and was clearly miserable. Her husband
seems clueless about how bad things are. I don’t think she is suicidal.
Just bleak and unlike her normal solid self. What can we do?

Intervention?

 
Dear Intervention –

This situation requires careful handling. An email will allow her the
distance to listen better. Give it a try. Here’s my draft. (Fill in the
blanks with details pertinent to the situation):

Dear _____:
When you came over for the game the other day you were strung so
tight I got even more worried about you. I’ve been thinking about how
stressed you are. All I ask is that you read this email to the end and
consider my idea. We never have to discuss it. You never have to tell
me either to &%^&%^ off or that it was helpful. But please give it
time to settle. I tried to think about your point of view as well as that
of your friends.

 
I love you and I am worried about you. I think that is true about many
of the people who care about you, though none of us have found a
way of expressing it that you are in a place to hear. You’ve said
everyone has an opinion and you cannot cope with hearing them. I’m
sure you have enough on your hands. But that doesn’t mean the input
was wrong, or that you are right to block it out. None of us outside
may have a full handle on your life, but if the collective is all saying
“change something,” please listen with at least one ear open.

 
Here is what I am suggesting. Send an email to the closest people
whom you love and value. It should go roughly like this: I know you
are trying to help me cope. I am trying too but there’s lots you don’t
see on the day to day and might not understand or agree with my
interpretation of what I should do. But I value you enough to want to
hear what you have to say and to at least consider it. Please send me
a reply with no more than three observations/ideas for change. I
promise to read it and take your email (and those of a handful of other
trusted folks) to my counselor and discuss them with her. She’s the
one place I can deal with my life in complete safety. It’s too hard to be
vulnerable every time someone like you wants to tell me what to do. It
makes me annoyed and I sometimes just shut down. But if you love
me, please do this once and then please stop telling me what to do in
ways and times I cannot cope.

 

The price for getting to say exactly
what you think is to do one of these for me: [insert list of time
consuming chores]. I promise to take what you say seriously and to
discuss the collective input from my counselor. But I want you to stop
being “helpful” after you do because that is just one more stress and I
am pretty stressed out as it is. If you can do that, reply. If not, please
be considerate of what I am going through.

 
Then see what people say. Read each email and talk them over in your
safe space. I know you are always in defensive mode when you talk to
us because you are afraid we are going to give more  “helpful
suggestions.” Please don’t write this email off as just one of them. It is
the tip of the iceberg for the anxiety that your collective friends feel
about and for you.

 
So for a promise to do [X from list], here’s my two cents: I am asking
you to [then insert you single most important suggestion].
I promise not to give you more input if you promise to follow through
in counseling. That’ll be hard for me too :-). But you told me that
nothing would change. That is a very bad recipe for your future. I love
you and I am your friend. You can talk about anything with me and I
will listen. I don’t want you holding anything in because that’s more
stress for you. I want to be a safety zone. But know how concerned I
and other friends are. Please consider asking them, reading what they
say, and then considering some changes with the support of your
counselor. I love you. Subject closed – Hugs.

Shorty

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just got a terrible shock. I have a t-shirt that I’ve had for years. I
wear it work out and somehow it rotated to the bottom of the stack. I
put it on and it hung to my knees!! I am shrinking!! I am a woman in
my mid-60s and I know this happens with age but it was shocking this
morning. I can see my friends are aging, with all the obvious changes
in hair color and wrinkles. But this freaked me out. Do I just accept the
ravages of time, or can I reverse the trend?

Shorty

 
Dear Shorty:

I’d recommend a good talk to your doctor about osteoporosis and
aging. S/he may recommend some tests to see where you fall on the
expected ranges for people your age and size and also relative to your
own medical history. There are things you can do. As my mother
always used to say, Stand up straight! Which is more than just about
looking taller. It helps retrain your muscles and bones, as well as
doing wonders for your attitude.

You should research carefully. There is lots of information online about
changing what you eat and drink, how you should exercise, and what
supplements and medications have better and worse effects. You can’t
turn back the lock or keep it from ticking forward. But yes you can
make yourself stronger and taller with some simple steps.