Category Archives: Spirituality, Judaism, Big Life Questions

At My Wit’s End

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have had the worst year I can remember. Here’s a summary of bad
parts of my life for the last nine months: My old cat got sick, but we
put him on new meds and he revived (temporarily). My dentist found a
lesion on my tongue, and two oral surgeons disagreed about whether
or not it could be cancerous (did you know that tongues fall in a gap
between medical and dental insurance?). I developed insomnia and
started sleeping in one-two hour bursts. I began a construction project
that is now six weeks and many thousands of dollars over budget. My
cat got sick again; more new meds. None of the insomnia medicine
worked, after many trials and errors. I had what turned out to be a
small house fire, but another five-minutes slower by the alarm
company or the fire department and I might not be writing you. The
cat became incontinent and my house was papered in pee pads; he
recently died. The good news: My skin doctor identified the tongue
lesion (after a biopsy of another spot) as a side effect of a diabetes
medication I have been on that I hated and am now off of. I took
money from my 401K to pay for construction. I pleaded for new meds
from doctor and have actually gotten three-four hours sleep in a row.
The fire damage is repaired for less than my deductible and the smoke
smell is abating. People tell me I am stressed and depressed. Stressed
and exhausted, yes; depressed, no. What can I do to get my life on an
even keep once construction ends (very very soon).

At My Wit’s End

 
Dear Wit’s End:

You’ve convinced me, you need a vacation!! But I assume that it is
unwise to raid your 401K a second time to pay for one. So I am
prescribing and intense “stay-cation.” Here’s how it works: Other than
life and death obligations to your family, you unburden your calendar
and make your emotional and physical health your prime priority. If
you have accrued vacation time at work, now’s the time to use it. If
you do not, then do the below in all non-working hours.

 

 

From the moment you get up until the moment your head hits the
pillow, all you should be doing is focusing on being calm, mellow, and
very gentle on yourself. That means getting caffeine or other
stimulants out of your life, and focusing on healthy eating with as little
sugar or “treats” that cycle your energy in spikes and crashes as you
can do. It also means creating a fixed time every day to meditate. My
idea of meditation probably wouldn’t satisfy a guru. It can include time
holding or reading a book, staring at a hummingbird feeder, watching
lawn sprinklers turn and twirl, and other similar mindless activities.
Take the idea that you need to be productive and shelve it. Avoid
making social commitments more than a day or two ahead of time.
Practice saying “No, I’m on a retreat.” When people ask you to do
anything that genuinely doesn’t sound healing or fun. Avoid angry,
toxic, or negative people at all costs. Practice good sleep hygiene (look
it up), and avoid violent or loud TVs, books, and music. Sign up for
some “quote of the day” inspirational emails, especially ones that
focus on gentle and calming thoughts. Choose one or two friends with
whom you feel safe to process your feelings of grief, but avoid telling
and retelling the stories of your trauma to everyone you know. Do
these things for at least a few weeks, until you begin to feel calmer
and your lifestyle feels more supportive and nurturing. When you go
back to “normal” I hope your life is a lot softer and sweeter. If not,
find a good counselor.

Itchy Fingers

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Among the happiest memories of my childhood was playing the piano.
It was my refuge in an otherwise dysfunctional and sexual abusive
family. I survived several equally abusive piano teachers until I found
the man who mentored me back to health and creativity, inspiring me
to get a degree in teaching and become an educator. With a busy life
of work and parenting, I slowly lost contact with the instrument,
though not my love of music. But as I developed happier things in life
I didn’t need it as a crutch. Now I am close to retirement and want to
but a new piano. I lost my old piano in a house fire ten years ago and
we haven’t had the money until now to buy a good instrument. As I
look for used pianos for sale in the local area I am seeing everything
from $100 garage sale beat-up uprights to $11,000 Steinways. I want
something good but I am so out of practice that I’m not sure I’ll be
able to tell what’s the right one. But I’m ready to return to the
keyboard.

Itchy Fingers

 
Dear Itchy Fingers:

I have several suggestions, both financial and aesthetic. Money’s easy:
set a budget of what’s your absolute upper limit. It can be $1,000,
$5,000, or $10,000, but whatever you decide is your max, stick to it.
Aesthetics is harder, but trust your gut and your ear to work together.
To remember how to play, choose a piece of music you have always
loved, say Moonlight Sonata and use that as your piano audition piece.
For every piano you try out, stick to the same music. You might even
consider renting a piano for a month or two before you start looking at
pianos to buy, just to get your hands back in practice.

 
Also, for a wonderful story, Google keywords Noah Adams + piano
lessons. I heard it on NPR eons ago when I started to learn piano as
an adult. It’s the story of his desire to surprise his wife for a special
anniversary with a candle-lit, rose-in- a-vase, rendition of a romantic
Schumann sonata. He goes on a search for the right piano, from
Steinways to junkyard finds. The book Piano Lessons would be a
wonderful place for you to start your own search. I suspect it will
inform it greatly. You’ll know your piano when you hear it.

Minimizing

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I attended a dinner party recently where people were comparing their
spring leaning strategies. After a couple or three glasses of wine
everyone made a commitment to minimize, to the best of our ability,
and we came up with a plan. It goes like this. One the first day of the
month you throw out one thing. One day two, good-bye to two things
and so. Assuming you count each object separately (read one fork as
opposed to a full place setting, that is almost 500 objects!! I could
shed many things without feeling the loss terribly, but that does seem
like a much bigger commitment than spring cleaning. It also takes
time that I don’t have each day, and an organized plan to put things
out of sight so they do not migrate quietly back to a drawer or closet.
Do you have any good advice about how to follow through? There is no
prize at stake, btw. Just honor and more breathing space in my home.

Minimizing

 
Dear Minimizing:

The first thing to do is reframe the idea of loss into the idea of sharing
your wealth. Identify a family in need or specific group that helps
families to donate to. Instead of dumping your unneeded things at a
Goodwill and collecting a tax slip, give your gently used possessions to
living breathing people in need. As you hold each item and think about
whether you can let it go, visualize someone who would love to cook
and serve their holiday dinner in one of your many casserole dishes, or
send their kids to school in clothes your family isn&'t wearing any more.
The joy of reuse and recycle is much more than keeping piles of things
out of landfills.

 
I agree that tossing 500 items in a month is a lot, unless you’re
committed to it fully. I suspect the other dinner party guests are facing
the same challenge. Agree on a more reasonable schedule, like before
Memorial Day weekend. Perhaps have a party at the end of the
process and see who gave the most away.

Searching

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year my family has the same meal for Passover, and uses the
same Haggadah. We agreed we’d like to up the ante on our spirituality
this year. Do you have any suggestions for something we can do,
preferably together, to go deeper into the meaning of the season?

Searching

 
Dear Searching:

Every year in spring mystical Jews do a practice called The Counting of
the Omer, which if you Google will net you a variety of prompts for
daily meditations. The process lasts the seven weeks between
Passover and Shavuous, and is said to prepare us for receiving the
divine word at Sinai. The holidays are the book ends of 49 days of
daily heart searching based on the kabbalistic Tree of Life. You can
Google that too or go to my other website, kabbalahglass.com/about/.
The spheres on the Tree of Life are said to be aspects of divinity and
self. The structure is a set of stacked triangles that operate in triads: a
characteristic, it’s opposite, and a balance point. The top three (or four
depending on your mystical lineage) are pretty much out of our range.
But the bottom seven make a handy paradigm for looking at
everything from the order of the cosmos to a problem you’re wrestling
with. I’m condensing two thousand years of mysticism here, so bear
with me.

 
The first triangle is about unconditional love, discernment, and
compassion. In relationship terms, I love you madly forever take
whatever you want, Eeek you have no boundaries I need time and
space for me, and Let’s work on something that’s good for us both.
The official names for these are chesed, gevurah, and tipheret. The
second triangle is about your life force, what energizes you, how and
where do you aim it, what’s possible? In creative terms, It’s your mad
idea of a project Eureka!, your proofread final last draft/completed
exams/signed documents/etc., and the possibilities that come from
becoming an author/doctor/CPA/homeowner/whatever you’ve been
wanting to manifest. They’re called netzach, hod, and yesod. The last
is malkuth, the kingdom of here and now.

 
Week 1, which starts sundown on April 15, is a whole week meditating
on chesed. How you love. How you’re giving, open, and loving. The
next six week after are committed to each of the next traits. The
fullest version of the process looks at each aspect of each trait, which
is why it’s easiest to find a site to send you prompts for daily
meditations. You can do them individually in a journal and discuss as a
family each night at dinner. Once you understand the paradigm you
can apply it to many life issues.

Sprinter, Not Marathoner

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I always make new years resolutions but then feel silly when I a few
weeks later I am no longer going to the gym four days a week, eating
fewer sweets, etc. Can you give me a better way of improving my life?
One that will last past January 31, please.

Sprinter, Not Marathoner

 
Dear Sprinter/Marathoner:

Not to change sporting metaphors too much, but in games like golf,
baseball, and table tennis, the advice is often “keep your eye on the
ball.” That’s my basic advice to you. Figure out how to keep yourself
focused on both short-run actions and long run objectives in several
key areas of your life: career, relationships, health, and soul.

 

Career: Do some very simple and tangible things in your office. Start
by cleaning your desk. . It may sound simple but it will force you to
get a handle on where you&'ve been. Fruitcake stupor or too much
shopping, December takes its toll. Rather than feeling like you&'ve been
dumped onto concrete, take some control of your re-entry. Buried
under the seasons greetings and the cookie crumbs are important
things you need to remember, things that other people, the people
who pay your paycheck, expect you to do. Clean through email,
assemble files, make stacks, make lists, remember what&'s due this
month. Get out your calendar and set priorities for the next few
weeks. Once you’re back in the saddle, you&'ll start to feel better.
Update your resume. Think about how other people see you: your
resume is the two-dimensional window they look through. It&'s a
reminder of what you’ve done in your current job, what you&'re good at
that you, your employer, and any prospective new employer should
value, and what you&'d have to sell on the job market if something pink
appears with your paycheck. Update your accomplishments, list new
skills and current references who&'ll sing your praises. This will boost
your confidence for the here and now as well as for the future
possible. It&'ll help you be ready to apply for internal promotions as well
as identify areas in which you should seek additional experience or
training.

 
Relationships: Do for others. Not much in life beats feeling like
you&'ve helped. Acts of kindness and usefulness enhance any day.
They&'ll make you feel good as well as productive. If you have a chance
to help a friend or family member, take it. Don&'t worry about getting
credit for what you do, or the time it takes from your own projects.
You&'ll be more efficient with those commitments later. Think “pay it
forward,” “do unto others,” and all the other platitudes that, like your
resolutions, you may have let slide. Also, let others do for you.
When you&'re offered helping hands, take them, assuming they&'re
competent and caring about your welfare. As good as helping makes
you feel, it feels as good to others. There are times when you simply
cannot get everything done that you need to if you try to do it on your
own. That goes from yard work or deck building to cleaning out the
garage. Consider organizing monthly neighborhood work parties to
lighten everyone’s load. Ask for help when you need it, and take it
when it&'s offered. Say thank you graciously, and maybe even with
chocolate.

 

Health: I can’t say it any better than my mother or your doctor. Eat
less and move more. Find a form of exercise you are passionate about,
something you look forward to rather than dread. As a born-again
table-tennis player I can recommend it for aerobics, bending, and
feeling like a kid again. Look for a team sport or get a wii-like device.
But focus on playing not counting reps. Find a food program you
genuinely enjoy, or change it every month. But understand what your
body is asking for: smaller quantities of healthy nutrients. You don’t
have to forsake all things sweet and caloric. But balance them with
savory and fresh fruit. Retrain your taste buds about flavor and your
gut about quantity. Find a favorite outfit that’s too a half size too small
and try it on weekly. Repeat until it fits; then decide if you want to
keep losing.

 

Spiritual/Emotional life: Give yourself the best gift of all, the gift of
time. For at least 30 minutes a day, let yourself do whatever you most
want in that moment, without guilt. Pick up your book or pet the cat.
Let your blood pressure drop and remember how to relax. Make time
to breath fresh air, to look at the moon, to watch grass grow. Taking
good care of your heart and soul will boost your resilience and your
immune system. The glow will show and people will be more drawn to
you. The more often you choose to be happy, the more likely you will
be. Make yourself a priority this year by lightening up. Sing in the
shower or the car. Let yourself indulge in people and experiences. Play
more. Learn something new or practice something old. Whatever
makes you feel like you&'re having fun, give yourself a little more of it
each week. You&'ve earned it.

Ready for ??????

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’ve supported my family for the last twenty-five years. My husband
raised the kids, started a contracting business, went back to school,
and now has a high-school teaching job. We get insurance through his
job and I feel like I have earned the right to a sabbatical. I want a big
adventure. My boss, who adores me and swears he cannot live without
me, has agreed, sort of. He wants me to have a laptop with me, a
battle we will fight when I get closer to figuring out I am going to do
and where. I’ve never travelled outside the United States, so that’s
high on my list, especially the idea of a walking vacation in Spain. Do
you have ideas about how not to let this opportunity go to waste?

Ready for ??????

 
Dear Ready:

Go out and buy a journal. You can make it a simple school-
type copy book or something fancy. Call it My Sabbatical
Book. Take some evenings after work, some mornings with
a cuppa, and some time everywhere from park benches to
the library to write in it. Intentionally choose to be in
situations that are unfamiliar and perhaps even where you
are uncomfortable as well as in the known and usual
contexts of your life, though you can start with comfort. Ask
yourself the following question: What would make me feel
like I had a successful sabbatical?

 

Take notes on any ideas that float through. When you think
about traveling abroad, make sure you consider how much
time you want to spend on your own and how much with
folks you think you’d enjoy travelling with. That can be
family or friends, or even people you don’t know. Consider
lifestyle issues like biorhythms and food needs, similarities
of interests, and how much you enjoy that person’s
company. Investigate classes abroad, and possibilities to be
involved in projects—anything from an archaeological dig to
a social service project.

PS: Sabbaticals from work do not include being on tap for
your boss. Have the replacement trained and be helpful until
you get on a plane. Then adios!

Miffed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

As a Jew, I am offended by your calling yourself "Jewish Fairy
Godmother." You wouldn&'t call yourself a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist,
Satanist, etc., Fairy Godmother so why Jewish? Wouldn&'t just plain
Fairy Godmother be sufficient if that&'s the persona that you insist on
using?

Miffed

 
Dear Miffed:

There are affinity groups I belong to that act in ways that offend me.
Political party policies and America to name some repeat offenders.
I&'m offended by economic injustice. Terrorism. Racism. Sexism. War
and other forms of extreme violence. I hope I&'m not in that league for
you. Even at my synagogue there are things that I don’t always agree
with. But I’ve always been proud of being Jewish itself. It’s as much a
part of my identity as gender, or that I was born in Philadelphia. The
effects of being Jewish have deepened over time. In part because of
my study of Torah, and also because I increasingly care leaving this
place better than how I came into it. Tikkun olam (the repair of a
broken world) is foundational in Jewish. It’s more than just believing in
the ethics and values of Judaism. It’s about actively trying to help
people, each as we can, one to another, in the hope that the healing
and redemption keeps getting bigger and bigger.

 
I use Jewish in my name because I am not a Christian, Muslim,
Buddhist, Satanist, etc. I like to think that the advice I give and the
values I espouse are founded in exactly the values that I study, think
about, and pray about regularly. At the best of times I am helpful. At
my worst I hope I do no harm. I never feel that I am in some way
reflecting badly on my religion or people. I’m sorry you are offended.
You should probably not read this column or ask me for advice. I hope
this is the biggest kvetch you have in life.

Torn

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I just got asked to be on the search committee for a new rabbi for our
synagogue. It’s a big honor to be asked but also going to be a very
controversial process. It’ll take a lot of time for the next year and
ultimately no candidate is going to satisfy everyone. There are fans of
the retiring senior rabbi of thirty years. There are fans of the new
junior rabbi who will certainly be a candidate for the job. There are
families who care about the Talmud Torah School. There are elders
who care about services and rituals. People who like social events and
community. And on and on and on. I want to say yes, because I care
about the outcome. I have mixed feelings about the junior rabbi but
can keep an open mind. I like most of the other members of the
committee, but one is an attorney with whom I had a big run in a few
years ago in our professional lives. I just don’t trust her. Do I say yes
or no?

Torn

 
Dear Torn:

One big question for me would be if the attorney is the committee
chair or another member. I would be more cautious if the former, at
least without a history clearing one-on- one, if indeed the history could
be cleared. On the other hand, your presence could be a burr under
his/her saddle, though that is not always a comfortable role to play.
Also if this is a committee of three or of twenty. If the attorney is not
the air, and only one of many, do not let that variable alone determine
your answer. If you have the time to serve, and are willing to willing to
weather the unhappy opinions of various members of the
congregation, consider a yes.

 
Talk to the committee chair and ask what serving would entail. Ask
about the timing and frequency of meetings, the process for the
synagogue members giving input and getting clarity about community
priorities, the role of various committees in the temple in giving input,
and the process for final decision making. You might also ask, but
should be cautious about relying on any answer, about confidentiality
in the proceedings. At worst, risk that you end up preferring a new
candidate to the current junior rabbi, and your preference isn’t chosen.
Ultimately, if you trust most of the other members and have the time
and skills, it sounds like an honor worth accepting.

Choking

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I may have turned into a hoarder. It was most definitely not
intentional. I remember the horror I felt when I cleaned out my
parents’ home after my mother died and my father moved into
assisted living. And then the mountains of paper and other disposables
he managed to accumulate in just a few years there. But I’m afraid
I’m turning into my parents. Every room is filled, some to overflowing.
Several sizes of clothes (the optimistic, realistic, and pessimistic
wardrobes), books from college classes, sentimental things I never use
like serving dishes my mother pulled out for the holidays, old political
campaign buttons, notions/buttons/and ribbons, a couple years of
crosswords cut from the daily paper to prove my brain still works, pet
supplies for animals I will never again own. And so on. Can you give
me some practical suggestions about how to cull? Even if I found the
perfect mate, I don’t have the physical room to invite him into my
space.

Choking

 
Dear Choking:

My simplest advice: tackle this problem room by room. You can do it
one room a week, or take a solid week and do it one room a day. If
you start at ruthless it ill become an acquired habit, so begin where
the most egregious hoarding has occurred. Start with a small, easy
room like your bathroom. Go under the sink. Dump cosmetic and
cleaning products you never use, rags and broken mops, whatever is
clearly trash. It helps, btw to have receptacles to put everything in,
from big garbage bags to recycling containers, and a stash of things
you could donate. I think the idea of a future garage sale is just an
excuse to hang onto things. If it is usable, donate it to a worthy thrift
shop, women’s shelter, or someone else’s garage sale. If not, put it
into a “go away forever” pile.

 
Then tackle your kitchen, your living room, and every room except
your clothes closet. Like any other form of exercise, it’s a habit that
gets easier with repetition. Clothing still with tags on them earn a
special place in your closet. Your pessimistic (which I read as if-I- gain-
weight clothes) should be minimal, and include only the nicest duds.
Anything with stains or needing repairs, out. Not worn in ___ years,
out. Be ruthless down to your undies and socks. Books to the used
bookstore; old crosswords to the trash. Your goal at the end should be
enough space in each room for another adult to share your home with
you. And from now on, whenever you buy something new, you should
wave goodbye to something old

Room At the Inn, or Not?

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I converted to Judaism two years ago, after being in a very profound
relationship for two years. The first time I went to synagogue and
heard the music I was moved to tears. It was like I’d come home. The
music was like nothing I could have imagined and everything I ever
believed religion to be. I’d been a lapsed Catholic for decades. We
were together for another year but are now divorced and I have
moved. Some of her friends have asked to stay with me during a
shabbaton that a visiting rabbi is conducting at my synagogue. I like
them. I want to be nice, but I’m also afraid all my carefully healed hurt
places will burst wide open and I don’t want them reporting back to
my ex that I am a mess.

Room At the Inn, or Not?

 
Dear Room at the Inn:

The kind of scars you’re talking about might rip open even years from
now, depending on how much you loved your ex and how your life
develops from now on. You cannot insulate yourself from feelings, nor
should you. If she were asking to come stay with you, I’d give you
different counsel. But if the prospective guests are people you are
generally comfortable with, and you feel safe having them in your
home other than the aforementioned emotional issues, I think you
should do so. You should not have to dissemble about what shape
you’re in emotionally. If it really was a deep and long-lasting
relationship, still being emotionally vulnerable is a tribute to your ex.
But neither should you spill your guts to her friends, act desperate
about getting back together, or otherwise expect that their visit is a
backdoor conduit to a reconciliation.

 
Be joyous that you found Judaism through your ex. Among other
things, the shabbaton should give you a deeper sense of your
connection with your new life, and help solidify the motional resilience
you will need to move forward into your future. Heal and stay open.
There’s lots of wonderful single Jewish women who’d appreciate a
loving soul to connect with. But don’t rush into a relationship until you
are ready to consider the new person on her own merits. Anyone who
is constantly being compared to an ex will soon tire of it, and of you.

Getting More Religious

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

In the past you’ve written about a special meditation to do after
Passover. Can you remind me please?

Getting More Religious

 
Dear Getting More Religious:

In Judaism, the time between the second night of Passover and
Shavuous is considered a very special time. In mystical Judaism it is
used to “count the omer.” The practice ties to the intervening 49 days,
in which we do special meditations to contemplate what it means to
leave a predictable past and to open ourselves to new ways of seeing
and being. You can google for the visuals, but the meditations are tied
to seven positions on the tree of life. Each is an attribute of the divine,
and also an attribute of self as we mirror the divine. There’s one week
devoted to each of these: loving-kindness; restraint; harmony; zeal;
splendor; foundation; living in the earthly kingdom. Counting the omer
teaches us how to examine and illuminate these traits. Along the way
we can bring some light to our hidden, darker, places, and improve at
least a little into our better selves.

 
If you’ve never done this before, keep it simple. For the first week
simply concentrate on chesed, loving-kindness. Every evening, every
morning, and a few times during the day, really take it in. That you
are loved by a loving G-d. And your job is to reflect that love back into
the world. The second week is gevurah, restraint and boundaries.
Think about where you’re too tight and where you’re too codependent.
Where your boundaries are impermeable. Where you’re too
judgmental. Where you need to soften. You get the idea.

 
Google to find everything from a women’s omer to very orthodox ones.
There’s places to sign up for daily omer reminders. And numerous
interpretations of the sephirot and their interactions. You can listen to
others, or to yourself. Journaling the omer is a wonderful practice.
Your scribbles and questions matter as much as your insights and
answers. It’s hard to keep it up for 49 days. But go as long and deep
as you can.

Survivor’s Son

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I went to a very moving service at my synagogue for Holocaust
Remembrance Day. It made me realize I have a trove of family
materials about the Shoah (that I found under my father’s bed after he
died). They’re everything from my parents’ passports to
documentation about the bureaucratic rigmarole the Germans made
even Jews with exit visas to America and South America go through.
No one in my family is into genealogy. What can I do with them?

Survivor’s Son

 
Dear Survivor’s Son:

You’re so very lucky to have this material. Too many families have no
idea what happened to their relatives, or, if they do, they had to pore
through the horrors of German record keeping of the Shoah to find it.
First of all, make copies of everything, preferably in a pdf form so it is
easy to transmit. Then start googling. You will find everything from the
Holocaust Museums in the US to Yad Vashem in Israel. There are
many university collections devoted to Holocaust studies. Also
individual academic or academic departments that study various
aspects of the 20 th century diaspora as well as the Holocaust per se.

 

Spend some time determining who seems to address your family’s
history the best. Then email a summary of what you have, with a few
attachments. Ask if there is a way that the collection can be kept
together. See who answers. You may also be asked to give an
interview or oral history of what you remember from your parents’
journeys.

Give copies of the copies to your children and sibs and ask them to do
the same. We owe it to those who perished never to forget.

‘Fraidy Cat

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m in the process of falling deeply in love with a man I met a few
months ago. The story is funnier, because five years ago I saw an
article about him in the paper and told a close friend, that’s the one for
me! I recently met him while visiting another synangogue and things
progressed very rapidly. We see each other five nights a week and
look forward to traveling together. The problem: He has lots of family
in Israel, where I have never been. And, where, if truth be told, I have
always been more afraid of going than longing to. I have an
unreasonable fear of crowds even in America, and the idea of random
violence scares me poopless. I haven’t ‘fessed up my concerns
because I so want him to love me. I know what an important year this
is because of Isreal’s independence, and he’s starting to talk about
introducing me to his family there. Gulp, Now what?

‘Fraidy Cat

 
Dear ‘Fraidy Cat:

As the recent horror in Boston has painfully shown us, no one is safe
anywhere, if people with evil intent are determined to do harm to
someone, any one. You could also get hit by a truck crossing a parking
lot at your corner market. Nothing can keep you safe, even staying
indoors 24/7, because you’re likely to eat or worry yourself to death. I
think you need to go to two places with him: Israel and
Dachau, for the same reason, to share your roots.

 
Every Jew I’ve ever known who’s gone to Israel for the first time says
the same thing: There’s noting like being and living daily life in a
culture that has Judaism as the prevailing culture. Forget for a
moment the fights between the Orthodox and the secular, or even yes
the threat of rockets or bus bombs. Imagine a place where Shabbat
means Shabbat, where a whole country dresses up for Purim, and
where you can stand in olive groves and on hillocks where the stories
of the Torah itself took place. That’s not something you can replicate
on youtube or with a travel montage. It’s visceral. Having someone
you love as your docent, and his family as a landing zone so you can
eat, sleep, and worship among locals is a rare opportunity. And if you
cannot risk challenging your fears when you are open and in love,
when are you likely to do so? Go with an open heart and come back
changed.

New at This

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

In the last few years I have gotten more involved in Jewish religious
practices. I’ve always enjoyed services for the singing, the sense of
community, and the schmoozing and social catch up that happens at
the oneg. But in the last year I have also started attending classes to
learn Hebrew, go to Torah study occasionally, and actually think about
what the weekly parshah is about. BTW thank you for what you write
at http://www.kabbalahglass.com/blog/. It gets me thinking about how Torah
actually relates to me and my life. But now I got asked to participate
in an annual ritual, staying up late the night of Shavuous as part of a
study circle. I only have to prepare five minutes of informal
presentation, and then have to facilitate some group discussion. I
teach high school so the talking and facilitating isn’t scaring me, but
having something to say really is. It is a Reform congregation, so I
don’t have to sound like a rabbi. But I’d like to not sound dumb.
Ideas?

New at This

 
Dear New At This:

One of the nicest things about contemporary Torah study, especially in
a Reform, Reconstruction, or Renewal context, is that your thoughts
and observations have value, even if they are not grounded in decades
or centuries of citations from elder scholars with beards. That said, in
our modern age we have relatively easy access to the wisdom of the
ages, so why not avail yourself of it as a jumping off point.
Google google google. Try various combinations of search words, from
something as simple as Shavuot to combos with Mt Sinai, Ten
Commandments, tablets, etc. The iconography of history will get you
to the stories and the teachings. Browse and read. Don’t attack it like
a research problem. Think of it as browsing at the library. See what
calls to you and what stimulates your heart as well as your head. Read
the actual parshah first. The imagery alone may get your going.
Congratulations on going deeper with your spiritual search. It will
become even more and more important to you the deeper and longer
you go.

Soiled!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I host a weekly bridge game. We have two tables and most if us have
been together for more than two decades. One of the new gals (count
months not years) filled in when her mother died. Some of us have
known her since her Bat Mitzvah. She’s lovely buy grossly overweight.
Recently she got inspired to do a very rigorous juice and smoothie
regimen. She&'s lost 30# and definitely looks better but I have my own
opinions about whether the weight will stay off. She shows up with
bottles of weird green mixtures. My problem: her kale smoothie spilled
on my carpet. I tried everything but there is an ugly green stain that
nothing seems to get out. She apologized profusely and in the moment
I acted like a gracious hostess. I want to be polite but color me:

Soiled!

 
Dear Soiled:

You have two issues: the stain and the etiquette. Call the young
woman. Start by saying you want to be supportive of her health
regimen but tell her the new house rules are water only, so please
drink before she comes or return to the game when she’s done with
colored beverages. Explain you have had a major problem trying to
clean up after the spill. Say you need to know what was in it because
some mystery ingredient has fused to the fibers and you need to know
what to tell the carpet cleaners. She will be embarrassed, possibly
even offering to pay. You can continue your charming hostess routine
by hiding your gritted teeth.

 
Re the stain, do nothing beyond what you’ve done already. Call until
you find the best spot/carpet cleaner in town. Be forewarned that
virtually every one will tout itself as having a miracle product. That
said, professional have knowledge and access to what lay people do
not. Ask for a cost estimate, as they will sense your desperation. If all
else fails either live with it or shop for area rug to cover it up. You
might also google for emergency tips for stains that have just
occurred. And be as sincere as you can be when she brings you a
bouquet of flowers the next time she comes, as I hope her mother
taught her the manners to do.