Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m ready not to be single any longer. What advice do you have to help
me not be stupid about making a bad choice again? For the record I
went for “bad boys” a lot of my life and then tried seemingly boring
and reliable guys in the hope that they’d be different. But no go. Just
like the bad boys: my relationships start out good and go downhill
fast. I’m tired of the revolving door and ready settle down.

Hoping for Better

Dear Hoping:

Do you have a list of “must haves” and deal breakers? If your best
friends wrote the list, how would it be different? What matters to you:
Spirituality? Sensuality? Lifestyle? Finances? Communications?
Social/political values? My personal summary: I want someone who
loves my best qualities and tolerates my worst ones with patience and
humor. Yours may be different; but get clear what it is.
Relationships respond to the energy people invest in them. Good
partners can make life much better; bad ones make it feel a lot worse.
Most of us have histories that would be instructive, if we’d examine
them honestly. Have you learned the lessons of your emotional past?
If not, how often will you repeat then before getting things better or
right? This is a great week to take notes on what you do well and
poorly. On what you want and need. On how to make your current or
next relationship better for you and your honey.

 
Here’s some questions to get things flowing: (Good tip: working in “I”
sentences isn’t selfish; it’ll push you to be more honest.) What makes
you happy? What do you offer a partner? What do you need to be satisfied?
How do you invite people closer? Push them away? When do you really
show up? What makes you more elusive or run for the door? Are you
co-dependent, a narcissist, too much either a giver or a taker? How
and why? When are you a drama queen? When too reluctant to speak
your heart? Do you risk true vulnerability? How do you protect
yourself? What do you show others?  What do you hide? Do you love
yourself? Do you feel you deserve to be loved?

Grab some paper and plan to work on this for a while. Once you’re
really clear about how you contribute to the success or failure of your
relationships you’ll have a much better chance at making them last.