Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

We have two sons and two quasi-sons, whom we raised from their
teens on. They had troubled backgrounds but have grown into fine
young men. When J called and asked if they could stay at our house
for the weekend when they came to town, where they is
him/wife/three-year- old, we said sure. I’d assumed they had plans
with his brother (who lives here) or some tangible reason for visiting
our town. They showed up Friday night and by noon on Sunday hadn’t
left the house. We were a live-in hotel and restaurant for them. My
husband teaches and I have a high-stress job so this was a lot more
company than we had in mind. Now they’ve called to ask about coming
between Xmas and New Years, a time when my mother will be with us
also.

How to Say No?

 
Dear Say No:

Can you spell b.o.u.n.d.a.r.i.e.s? Clearly they cannot. Then there’s also
the word c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.i.o.n. J is young. You are older. The
burden of teaching and initiating each of these lies with you That’s not
to say you didn’t do a fine job helping this guy when he was young,
but that a mother’s (and father’s) work is never done.
In answer to your question, yes you have the right to say no, or to set
limits on their visit. You also have a responsibility to have a broader
conversation about their last visit and what you and your husband
need in terms of downtime. They may be young and need a free
hotel/room service (do you have a pool too?), but you are not
obligated to provide refuge every time they ask. And unless your
mother adores their three-year old as her own grandchild, you owe her
the gift of focused visiting time. You probably have less of it with her
than you will with him and his family. Do it gently, but set the limits
that you need to. It’ll be good practice for him to hear.