Not Really Sorry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I got divorced seven years ago, Our former best friends, who also had
a son the same age as ours, got divorced two years ago. I found out
this afternoon from my son that the friend ex I spend a long time
listening to and counseling during the process was having a holiday
party and had invited my spousal ex, my son, and her own ex, BUT
NOT ME!! I saw red and got into a very nasty mood. I called her about
an hour before my son said the party was starting “just to say hi.” And
also because I was in a B-word mood and pressing her buttons to see
if she would apologize, invite me, or ???? When she didn’t answer I left
a message saying, “Have a nice party.” Mostly I blame my spousal ex
for having had me blackballed. Let it go or apologize for the nasty call?

Not Really Sorry

Dear Not Sorry:

Clearly your spousal ex holds more sway with the hostess than you do.
And your son, being mannered, wasn’t going to reject an invitation he
had already said yes to. Among my questions, would you have gone if
the invitation had been legit? Or would you have asked who else was
coming and demurred when you heard your spousal ex would be

Since you cannot know if the hostess told any (or every) one about
your message, a polite follow up is in order, if only for the social
proprieties, though I’d counsel something more substantive. Either
way I’d wait for a time you are pretty sure she won’t be home. If you
prefer the former, just say, I was feeling hurt when I left the last
message. Sorry. A more honest one would say basically, I felt hurt and
insulted that you had the party without even telling me you had a
quandary to resolve. I feel like I was there for you when you needed
me and now you are treating me as somehow disposable. Lets meet
and talk about our friendship. And then leave the ball in her court to
get ball to you. If she does, be clear about what you want in your
future friendship, including if, in the future, you would ask the same of
her that your spousal ex did.