Stunned

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What, if anything, should I say to a friend who is breaking the law?
Since I have known her (twenty-five years, first as work colleague
then as social friend) she has always been an upstanding person:
reliable, honest, and the type of person not even to run a yellow light,
let alone break a serious rule. I was at her house for a party and used
her personal bathroom because the other was busy. Then I looked at
the new décor in her bedroom, which she had told me she wanted me
to see. While I was looking around, I saw a marijuana pipe and a jar of
leafy herbs on her nightstand. I wasn’t just surprised, I was shocked! I
know the younger generation uses pot like we use alcohol, and doesn’t
think twice about it, but to find a respected senior and member of the
temple board with a pipe seems strange. Ask, or keep my big mouth
shut?

Stunned

 
Dear Stunned:

Pot-smoking, among all generations, is becoming more common, and
in some states legal as well as socially more acceptable. Like other
social trends, the national acceptability of gay marriage for example,
society is changing fast. Conspiracy theorists have hypothesized that
big pharma and big tobacco see this as the next big cash crop. While
many people smoke for recreational reasons, many others do so for
medical ones, from pain relief to a cure for insomnia. In the absence of
more information that would be my guess for your friend. Given your
summary of her life, I’m sure she hasn’t advertised this.

 

The reality is that people have a reasonable expectation of privacy in
their own home and in their bedrooms. So for you to open your “big
mouth” in an accusatory way to her, or, worse, to gossip about her to
others, would be a true violation of the friendship. Either let it be, or, if
you suffer from insomnia or some other ill that pot might help, bring it
up casually in a conversation, saying that an anonymous friend had
suggested it to you as an option for remediation and that you are
curious what she thinks. She might suspect something, so if she does
ask you outright, confess and say you didn&'t know how to bring it up.
If she declaims all knowledge, let her off the hook and let it go,
keeping your mouth shut to others, even in what you might think
would be a subtle probe. We are rarely as opaque as we hope. If you
want to gossip about someone, let it be you, not her.

Sick of Being Sick

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Long, ugly, medical story made short: I had ankle surgery that went
bad and I was on too many meds for too long. Even after I got off the
opioids I was on anti-inflammatories for a long time. Two weeks ago I
landed in the emergency room with an attack of diverticulitis.
Apparently the meds had inflamed my gut in bad, and hard to
remediate way. My birthday is in two weeks, fortunately one ending in
a 7 not a 0 or a 5. In my social circle most people like to take the
birthday gal out to lunch. But right now food is sweet potatoes,
steamed vegetables, rice, broth, and applesauce, with an occasional
treat of oatmeal. I’m not eating gluten, sugar, dairy, salads, pizza,
alcohol, or a host of other delicious things. While it’s making me
healthier it is also very boring and unequivocally not very festive. As
people are asking about taking me out to celebrate, I sound like an old
wet blanket. Do you have an idea about how to enjoy being the center
of attention without destroying my tender tummy?

Sick of Being Sick

 
Dear Sick:

I have two ideas and suggest you employ them both. Idea number
one: Tell folks what you can and cannot eat and a safe set of
restaurants you can go to. Explain that what’s much for fun for you
now is doing and experiencing rather than eating. Suggest that your
friends invite you to a movie or a show, with a light bite or cup of tea
before or after. Say the pleasure of their company should not be
overshadowed by the after-effects.

Idea number two is to spread out the joy. Explain that your system
is on overload, both from the medical events and the number of folks
who want to express their love. Ask if you can take a rain check until
your gut is healed, and set a specific date on the calendar that feels safely
far off. Good friends would understand either option, and you can give
them a choice. Sound appreciative for whatever they say yes to and focus
on getting healthy. By next birthday I hope you are eating everything that
you enjoy and that’s good for you.

Feeling Annoyed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For the past two years I have played ping pong for exercise. The club
has about 100 members and at the time I play, 9:00 am, many retired
folks, some of whom are completely out of my league excellent and
others welcoming and helpful. I was a newbie for a while, but got
pretty good, certainly mid tier. One of the very regulars is a man in his
80s, who had eye surgery that seems to have failed utterly. He used
to be mid-pack but now couldn’t hit the ball if it were the size of a
basketball. In addition he tells long stories and jokes to cover up his
frustration, which just slows down the game even more. I like him,
and I feel sorry for him, and I know this will happen to us all. But for
me this is exercise time, and I cannot give it all over to kindness, even
though I feel guilty saying that. Is there a gentle way to convey my
need to rotate with other players without offending someone who was
kind to me when I needed it?

Feeling Annoyed

 
Dear Annoyed:

There’s a certain amount of kindness and grace that’s required from us
all, in every situation. Here’s your chance to step up. When you play
with him, gently suggest that stories are great and interesting, but
they slow down your need to keep in motion, something your own
doctor has said is essential. Say you’re happy to hear them but could
he please keep playing while he talks. If he complies, hooray. If not,
try to rotate to a different table after a politely appropriate amount of
time.

 

Most clubs have some kind of manager or facilitator. Quietly take that
person aside and ask if s/he has noticed to decline in this person’s
play. Say that you like him and are happy to keep playing with him a
little while each time you come. But that given the large number of
players, there should be a rotating pool of people to help care for the
elders. Ask him if he would be willing to speak to the man directly,
suggesting that he schedule a follow-up with his eye surgeon. The
difficulties might be temporary, or they may presage something that
requires more medical attention. No matter what, stress your
willingness to be a good person. You’ll need the same grace someday,
as will we all.

Time’s Too Short

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a senior living on a limited income. My congregation has a policy of
reduced dues for seniors, and also an option to pay 2% of one’s
income as dues, with the understanding that part of the “missing”
revenue will be made up for in volunteerism. I have served on a
variety of committees and just volunteered to be a “Welcome Mensch”
for new members. I was assigned a couple who moved here a year
ago, who joined a few months ago, and whom I met yesterday. To say
there was no fit is not even close. While we shared some common
background, and should have gotten along, the hour plus coffee klatch
seemed to last forever. Finally, in attempt to either bond or create
distance, I brought up politics. When his first words were about
privatization and then a long tirade denouncing “political correctness,”
I suspected another problem. The wife pursed her lips grimly, and
declined to speak. To break the tension I said cheerfully, “Bernie and
Elizabeth Warren is my dream ticket!” They excused themselves soon
after. In theory I am to see and/or call them monthly for a year. Do I
have to?

Time’s Too Short

 
Dear Too Short:

This particular election season is bringing every bad type of feeling and
behavior front and center. Not just from the politicians but among
ordinary folks as well. If you truly cannot stand these folks, you have a
legitimate reason to talk to the committee chair and ask that they be
assigned to a different person. But if the true point of the role is to be
both welcoming and a mensch, this is a wonderful opportunity to
practice tolerance and compassion, two Jewish values that might have
more of an impact on these folks and on you than rudeness and
running.

 

Follow up your meeting with a bread-and- butter note saying again how
much the congregation welcomes new members. Suggest some
committees they might volunteer for, or other activities that will get
them more engaged with the community and less dependent on you to
be their personal guide. If you know other members with whom they
share interests, send an email to both suggesting they meet for coffee.
In your next meeting with them, which you can push off at least six
weeks, find a place that’s distracting, like an art fair or farmers’
market. And avoid talking politics. There’s enough of that all around
us.

The Queen Nana

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This is a long distance Nana question. When I last visited the
grandkids (who live across the country and whom I sadly see only
once or twice a year) a few months ago, the eldest and I played chess
together for the first time. He’s smart and very used to screen games,
but relatively unfamiliar with longer, slower, hands-on strategy games.
He has access to online classes and a chess club at school. I’m not
that great, just an old fart who was taught by my father fifty years
ago. I play rarely. But I am still better than he is. We played a handful
of games together and now he wants to play with me through a phone
app. So far, so good. But his mother thanks I should let him win. I
think he should learn to get better. We’ve agreed to do what you say.

The Queen Nana

 

Dear Queen Nana:

I’m missing a vital piece of information which might impact my
answer: primarily, how old is this kid? If he’s five, my answer would be
different than if he’s ten. If he’s young, go easy on him now and get
tougher the more you play. You might even play while you are on the
phone or skype, so that while you’re playing you might give him tips
or say cautionary things like, Are you sure you want to do that? Or
Look around. Is anything threatening that piece?

 

If he’s older I would also have an explicit conversation with him about
not just letting him win. Tell him about how you learned from your dad
and how fabulous you felt the first time you beat him fair and square.
Encourage him to get a tutorial app that gives him exercises and
practice problems to solve. Chess is a marvelous brain training game.
Promise him the day he wins is not as far off as he thinks. The queen
will be dethroned.

Stretched Thin

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Help me out of a pickle. When I worked, which is until I retired a year
ago, I was the contracts manager for a small company. I worked
primarily with two people: the president (who is now a consultant to
the same company) and with a man who was like my twin brother. We
saved each other’s lives emotionally more often than I can count when
working with the president got rough. I just walked into two vmails:
one from former coworker who’s managing a contract with my ex-
boss, and one from the ex-boss. They disagree about how much
money he should get on a project and what he should do. Each is
calling on me for help but nobody’s paying me yet for my insight and
advice. My sympathies are with my co-worker, but there’s a lot of
complicated history, and my ex-boss hinted he would pay me to be his
negotiator. What should I do?

Stretched Thin

 
Dear Stretched Thin:

You have a variety of choices about how to respond to each. The
simplest is to politely return both phone calls and say, You know I’m
really enjoying being retired. You two are going to have to learn how
to talk to one another without me. Say what needs to be said, and
keep talking until you agree. Option two is to decide whom you
genuinely like better, and if you can afford to let go of the relationship
with the other. That changes what you say on the calls. If you have
any interest in working for your ex-boss again tell him you’re happy to
serve as his contracting agent but here’s your fee. Make it high
enough to compensate for hazard pay. If you prefer to help your friend
and say the hell with the money, then tell your ex-boss No thanks, and
tell your friend your opinion on how to manage the work and the ex-
boss.

 

Even if you help solve this contest, everyone needs to recognize this is
a one-time pass, and that in the future you will politely decline to be in
the middle of any such dramas. Your simplest answer both of them is
really this: You know working together was great but retirement is
even better. I’m sure you can work this out. Your voicemails reminded
me how much I prefer my watercolor class. Good luck!!

Hostess

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What’s the etiquette of setting boundaries around politics and
discussions of same at Passover? I have a noisy, boisterous family that
includes to my shame supporters of Donald Trump as well as rabid
Hillary and Bernie people. I’m a liberal Democrat, but I am not doing
to disinvite my brother because he has outed himself as a right-wing
jerk. But I do not want the serious festivities to devolve into a political
food fight. Can I just ban all talk of politics?

Hostess

 
Dear Hostess:

You can set down any dictum you want. But the chances it will be
honored are pretty small, at least as far as I can tell, in this particular
election year, where everyone talks politics as often as they discuss
diets and which body part is aching and aging. In addition, Passover is
a holiday that is very much about liberation from oppression. I suspect
each guest will have his/her own view about what oppression means,
and feel very empowered to express that view, perhaps even more so
if you try to set boundaries that are perceived as harsh or strict.
If you try to make it humorous, you might get more traction. You
could say that there will be no political commentary during the reading
of the Haggadah, and that if anyone violates that rule they will suffer
some public shaming punishment, like no dessert. I doubt there would
be a serious food fight. But you can and should tell each of the
explicitly vocal people that you do not want your holiday disrupted,
and that if they cannot keep their comments civil and their voices
down, you would prefer that they not attend. That alone should be
enough to show them where you set the bar. If you need to, you could
send a reminder email the day before, with your confirmation of food
assignments. The PS should read, Remember, if you are tempted to
wave any political banner at this Seder, you will also have
responsibility for all forms of cleaning up the table and washing all the
dishes. That would convince most rational people to play and speak
nicely.

Just A Mother, Not a Rabbi

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m turning into a curmudgeon about the holidays. In this case,
Passover. I raised my two kids in a typical middle-class, middle of the
road, Reform Jewish environment. We went to services maybe once a
month, and were each B’nai Mitzvah. Now they’re in their twenties,
done with college, and starting lives as adults. Neither lives at home,
but they have gone in totally opposite directions. My son is a vegan,
non-gluten- eating, hippie come lately, though he does make a good
living in high tech. My daughter went to Israel, and came back almost
Orthodox. She says she hasn’t decided about moving there
permanently, but whenever I question her (which she takes as a
challenge) on any aspect of the change, she mutters about moving
“back to her people.” I’m her mother. How much “more people” can
someone be?!? How am I supposed to make a Seder with someone
who won’t sit at the same table as someone who will only eat “gluten
free matzo style crackers, not kosher for Passover ????”

Just A Mother, Not a Rabbi

 
Dear Mother:

You make the Seder you would normally have at your house. And you
invite both of your children, and tell each they can bring a
friend/date/support person if they think they need to. You could
compromise by doing a family second night Seder, but frankly I think
that’s backing down to emotional blackmail. You should set the table
as you want, with the foods and accoutrements you have likely used
for decades. If you sweep every crumb from every cupboard, and get
rid of all the leavened things, then do so. If you do not, then don’t. If
your son wants to have his matzo-style crackers on a small plate near
him, then that’s fine. If your daughter is so frum she will not attend,
you have bigger issues than one last family holiday can solve.

 

This is your home and your family, which, though it may seem to be
diverging in opposite directions, will come together again over time.
There’s hope that each of them will evolve onto a more moderate
path. But you should take your daughter’s word that she might move
away, and stress that this may be the last time you are together for a
while, so your children should respect their parents enough to live
through one last Seder together, your way, and then talk about the
politics of religion after the holiday is over.

Penny Pinching

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was very good friends with a couple who moved to Hawaii twenty
years ago. We kept up a long-distance friendship for a long time, and I
even went there to visit back in the 90s. But for years it has waned to
the point of non-existence. If you’d asked me, I’d still say I liked them,
but I don’t think I’ve had two phone calls in the last five years.

 

Yesterday I heard from the wife, saying the husband had died of
cancer, after a year-long battle. It was a warm email, though in
retrospect it feels like she may have sent it as personal email to a
great many people, just changing the salutation. When I went to the
memory site (with photos and stories and places to post the same,
each page had a very large “Contribute” button at the bottom, to help
defray medical expenses. I’m sure the medical bills were large, but I’m
on a tight budget too. Am I obligated to contribute?

Penny Pinching

 
Dear Pinching:

If you are truly down to counting pennies you are 100% off the hook,
assuming the idea that you have not sent even $25 doesn’t keep you
up at night. If you do make charitable contributions to non-profits, you
could divert a little to send your former friends. But if you are truly so
bust that you cannot afford to contribute, then send a nice personal
note, and an apology for being unable to help out at this time.
Friendships ebb and grow over time. It’s not uncommon for people
who have seemed incredibly important to one’s heart to fade with time
and distance. There’s no shame in having drifted apart. Do what feels
right, and send a heartfelt note. If you have memories or pics to post,
do it. And say kaddish for your friend.

Ambivalent

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Can you help me with the “Let’s just be friends.” conversation? It’s not
that I want to end a relationship, but that I don’t want to restart one. I
was in a six-month relationship last year that started with a bang and
ended with a whimper. The details don’t really matter, but we both
concluded that we could have a good long-run friendship but that we
weren’t really in love with one another and that while we were great in
bed, that wasn’t enough to build a strong relationship upon. The
break-up was mutual and has lasted five months. In the interim she
got involved with someone else briefly, that apparently made me look
like a much better prospect. In the interim I have been single, and
reconfirmed that I really like living alone and not being in a
relationship, or at least not being in one with someone with whom I’m
not really in love. We went for dinner and movie yesterday and her
subtext was laden with “Wouldn’t it be nice to get back together, at
least as lovers….” At least a half-dozen times, and more like double
that. I just let them slide off, but I know the conversation will return.
I’m not averse to the idea, but know that it’s not what I really want in
my life, though with her it could be a temporary thing again. What
should I say?

Ambivalent

 

Dear Ambivalent:

Your signing name says it all. Until you know what you want, you
won’t be able to hold a reasonable conversation on the subject of
creating some form of friendship other than dinner and movie biddies.
There’s not point stumbling through a discussion when you aren’t clear
in your own head or heart what you really do want. You seem pretty
clear about what you do not want with her, but that’s not enough to
engage another person in a serious, or even casual, relationship.
If you know you do not want to have a serious relationship, and that
you are not in love with this woman, you should have the courage to
tell her. It’s not an easy thing to say or hear, but honesty beats
exploitation every week of the year. If you do want to have a friends
with benefits relationship, you can say that. But beware the human
heart, not to mention the biology of endorphins and hormones, which
conspire to impact our emotions. It’s the rare person who can be
intimate without becoming more emotionally engaged with their lover.
One of you might be that person, but both being so is highly unlikely. I
see another break-up in your future if this goes sideways. It’s your call
if you want to risk it. Waiting and dating a while seems like a good first
step.

Starting Over

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

A month ago I applied for my dream job but I have heard zero. I am
adult who went back to college in my 30s and just finished my degree.
Even though I am not the typical hire, I think all my earlier work in
construction proves I am a great employee, not afraid of messes or
hard work. Now I have business degree to go along with hands-on
skill. How can I sell myself as worth at least as much as a 21-year old?

Starting Over

 
Dear Starting Over:

Check to posting agency to see what the status of the job is. If it is not
yet noted as “filled” you can call Human Resources and ask what the
status and timeline is for filling it. If you get a friendly sounding
person, say you applied and want to know if you are still among those
being considered. Stay casual and optimistic, even if you are told you
are not among those still in the running.

 
If/when you get a rejection, call and ask for an informational interview
with the HR manager. Explain you want to introduce yourself, and to
find out how to best present your skills. Use your mess/hard work line
when you are in the meeting. Dress professionally and be very clear
that you are an asset exactly because you have rebuilt yourself
professionally, and that you will bring particular skills of teamwork and
perspective to any job they’d hire you for. This doesn’t ensure you an
interview the next time. But it does guarantee they’ll remember you,
and perhaps pass you onto the specific department to meet.

PC Too

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I work in a school in a poor rural district. Most of the teachers are
kind, caring, and dedicated professionals. The few that are not are
given a very wide berth by the rest of us, so it is very uncommon to
hear racial slurs or other forms of insensitivity. A colleague just placed
a problem in my lap involving two friends. One, A, my friend who
works in a different classroom reported that the other, B (one of my
best friends), said something close to the N-word and that she was
horrified and wanted to report her. A said that B said it in a joking,
almost friendly context, referring to her weekend as “I’m going to go
out in my yard and work like a field hand.” A is from South Africa of
mixed race and very sensitive. B has never, ever, ever exhibited any
racist tendencies. If anything she’s among most politically correct
people I know. But A was legitimately shocked and wants to make an
object lesson of B as a warning for the real racists. If she succeeds in
getting something put in B’s permanent file, B might never work again.
I think it was a very unfortunate slip of the tongue, and I don’t want to
see her chastised too harshly. What, if anything, can I do as an
intervention?

PC Too

 
Dear PC Too:

You can sit down with the two of them and hope that the conversation
works. The message you want to deliver is: You may have thought you
were joking to a friend, but you are not black and you cannot know the
impact of hearing a word that’s been used not just as a racial slur but
is also close to a word that’s been used as a form of violence and
intimidation for centuries. Please apologize now. Please promise you’ll
never do this again. Please ask A’s forgiveness. Then be quiet and let
B speak for herself. A is going to have to hear the sincerity in her
apology and a deep desire to participate in some form of remediation,
not just to A personally but as part of a social context.

 

The three of you might also go to the administrative powers that be
and ask that the whole school (teachers, staff, students) receive some
racial sensitivity training. You don’t have to go into the details of the
incident. Rather declare it a matter of common concern that you would
like to see addressed by the whole community. Ask for a special
assembly with invited speakers, and workshops where teachers and
students from mixed age groups can participate. Also ask that a
procedure be put in place where violators of the no-insults policy by
given a graduated series of warnings and censure. I doubt that B will
repeat the offense, but think a permanent mark on her record is too
great a price to pay for misspoken attempt at bad humor.

Family Values

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My son is graduating in three weeks. We’re a middle class family that
lives sustainably and frugally. He is graduating with only $10,000 in
debt, has a choice of job offers, a girlfriend, and has generally been a
dream kid (teen-aged years notwithstanding). He lacks for nothing.
We would like to have a graduation party and invite family, friends of
family, and friends of his. Our relatives are poor but very proud. We
want to invite them but don’t want them to feel obligated to give gifts
even though we gifted their three kids handsomely when they
graduated. Is there a way to invite them without shaming? We don’t
mind, btw, accepting gifts from richer friends, but no one should feel
obligated.

Family Values

 
Dear Family Values:

It’s hard to have a party where some people give gifts and others do
not without the non-givers feeling guilty or shamed in some way. You
could include in the invite a note that says No gifts please, or Cards of
good-will only. At a minimum that will deter boxes and overt or
ostentatious displays of congratulations. Most millenials prefer cash
anyway, so those that wish to include gift cards of cash or credit with
their cards can do so, and the relatives will be none the wiser. If they
choose to do that also, have your son use some of the money to buy
them gifts in the future.

 
Be proud of your son and his accomplishments. Toast him lavishly and
underscore the importance of the values with which you raised him.
Lucky him. Lucky you.

Stressed

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I have a husband with a long-term disability that is healing but not yet healed.
There are two issues. The first, which is medical, is that he has to NOT DO
certain things that might push his healing backwards. We have had several fights
about this during his convalescence. He thinks he is more fit than the doctors do,
and has many times too often done what I consider risky behaviors. That usually
involves trying to fix things around the house and yard, things he would have
been able to do in his sleep before his injury, but that are on the list of forbidden
activities (for example climbing on ladders).

 

The second issue is that he feels emasculated by my attempts to set up boundaries,
even though they are fully in line with the doctor’s instructions. He doesn’t get that
if he goes down again, everything falls to me. I am a working professional and already stretched thin, especially after six months of caretaking. This has impacted not just our intimacy but emotional trust. Can you help?

Stressed

 
Dear Stressed:

The practical side is far easier than the emotional side. Write up a checklist of
activities and submit it to the doctor (or more likely to his nurse). It can be really
simple: two columns headed by “allowed to do” and “not yet.” When you get the
list back, put it on the frig with a magnet and extract a promise that he will not do
anything more physical than daily life without consulting the list; if an activity is
something he is not yet ready for, the two of you will agree on a plan to get it
accomplished.

 
As for the emotional stress, you need a marriage/couples counselor. Most
marriages would benefit from this kind of tune up on a regular basis, but usually
folks wait until they’re in deep trouble to get help. If they wait too long, the bonds
are too fragile to sustain the pressure. In your case, if his illness is the primary
culprit, and is time-limited, you probably have a great chance to recover
communication and trust. But someone who is skilled at helping people on an
ongoing basis would be a real asset to the two of you. Ask discretely among your
friends and you will get names. People don’t tend to advertise when they have
seen a counselor, but your situation is one they will be able to relate to, and you
will find referrals.

Craving Space

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m a teacher who is returning to work this week. My husband is recently retired,
and suffering from the lack of social contact that he got from his colleagues. In
summer, when he had me around all day, we did a great many things together.
But when I would go off and visit my girlfriends or do volunteer work, I could tell
he was restless and overly needy when I got home. When I walk in the door after
teaching I need some time to decompress before I am ready to be social or to
take care of him. I simply cannot absorb or fulfill all his emotional needs. Ideas?

Craving Space

 
Dear Craving Space:

Your hubby needs something to occupy not just his time but his
mental energy so that he has something to share with you when you
are together, so he’s not so needy that he pounces on you the second
you walk in the door. Consider: projects like things to do around the
house, a new hobby, volunteer work of his own, or to enroll in classes.
I always suggest having a signal (beyond Hi honey I’m home.) as a
cue that you are ready to interact. Even 10 minutes to put down your
purse, check the mail, make a cup of tea, and exhale can be enough to
reset your mood.

 
I suggest a family planning council where you sit down and talk about
a typical week. Map it out on the calendar, where you block out all
your commitments and obligations, as well as the things you would
like to do in your leisure time, both with and without him. Then ask
him to do the same. Hopefully the yawning void will inspire him. If not,
talk about things he “has always wanted to do,” whether it is learning
a foreign language (perhaps in preparation for a future trip) or a new
skill. Perhaps his former profession is useful to some non-profit in a
volunteer capacity. Help him get excited about possibilities, and
remember there’s always going to the gym. That alone should make
him look for alternatives, lol.