Tired

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I’m an artist who’s started selling my jewelry at local festivals. I’m not
dependant on the money to pay my mortgage, but I do like knowing
people appreciate my work. The sales allow me to reinvest in supplies,
and are also a validation that it’s worth my time to sit in the hot booth
for days schmoozing with strangers. My favorite festival had
attendance that was down by a whopping 50% this year. My sales
were down by 40%, so I did better than some folks, but still it was a
sorry sum. There were many other unique activities in the area the
same weekend, but I also thought the organizers did an exceptionally
poor job of advertising and discouraged attendance by raising ticket
prices 50%, even though there were fewer artisans, food booths, and
musicians than last year. Now they are asking if artists will donate an
extra 5% of sales to help the non-profit that sponsors the event. They
say it is voluntary but selling is determined by a jury each year, and I
would like to think next year would be better. Should I “donate” part
of my sales and not look back, or should I tell them what I think of this
year’s show?

Tired

 
Dear Tired:

I’d suggest you give them both the benefit of your retrospective
wisdom, and a little of your reduced earnings. If the other artists were
equally impacted you will probably not be alone in your
disappointment and observations. Sometimes certain festivals run
their course, and other times they rebound, so perhaps this was just
an off year. Two bad ones in a row and I’d pass.

 
It’s worth offering to have a heart-to-heart with the organizers to tell
them what you feel from a vendor perspective. But if your sales were
down, the amount they are asking you to contribute is less than in a
great year, I’d offer to “donate” at least half of what they are asking
for, unless you do not want to sell your wares there in the future. Not
doing so might not be a cause for them to reject you. But if you want
to sell there next year, think of it as a one-time tax.

Home Alone

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I live in a very desirable neighborhood. Because it’s near the
university, there are a surprising number of rentals, though no
fraternities or loud parties, because the neighborhood association
enforces such standards vigorously. The place next door is owned by
an older woman who has always consulted me on her choice of
renters. The previous family, charming and self-contained, returned to
Korea; the new tenant is a nurse whom I helped recruit. All I want is a
quiet, respectful neighbor. This woman appears at my door at least
three nights a week looking for company. Sometimes she brings dinner
and a DVD as though we’d made plans to spend the evening together.
I’m not looking for trouble but I’m also not looking for a new best
friend. My life is full enough. Is there a polite way to discourage
anything more than respectful neighborliness? PS I’m definitely not
looking to exchange keys, which she said she would like to do.

Home Alone

 
Dear Home Alone:

I’ve always been a fan of the flag system. It doesn’t have to be a
literal flag, though it could be, but identify some easily visible
ornament that she can see from her house with which to decorate your
front porch. When the ornament is out (or in, your choice), that means
she can call or text to see if you’re up for company. Note that’s not the
same as appearing at your door. If the ornament is not in the “maybe
I want visitors” position, she’s to assume you are happy on your own.
If she does text, you have the option of saying yes or no, or not
replying, though she sounds like the type to come knocking if there’s
not an explicit No. You might also tell her about your “big project” that
you need lots of peace and quiet to devote to finishing. If she asks
questions, say your publisher has told you not to discuss it with
anyone, but say you’ll give her a copy down the road as a thank you
for helping you focus your time.

 

As for the key, say you have that relationship with a different neighbor
but that she should hide one somewhere on her property so that in
case of an emergency she could tell someone where to find it. Say you
don’t want the responsibility of that kind of access to her home. As a
side note, pushy people are harder than sap to get off you. Not getting
close is a good preventive strategy.

Ready to Write

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My husband has been disabled for nine months. His first hip surgery
went great but the second was a disaster. Only now, four plus months
after, has he been finally released to do physical therapy. I surprised
him with a weekend away at a B&B in the country, but it depressed
him more than anything. He was acutely aware of everything he could
not do, which are all the things he used to love to do: hiking,
mushroom hunting, canoeing, etc. He’s not a reader or game player,
and living with him as been like being tethered outside the cage of a
pacing tiger. I feel the waves of frustration emanating from him with
enough force to power a small nuclear power plant. I’m a teacher and
need my summer to decompress. What’s fair in terms of together time
versus alone time for me to do those kinds of things with more able-
bodied friends or to get away and write? He is ambulatory and if he
doesn’t try anything stupid like getting on ladders or going into his
workshop he would be perfectly fine home alone for a weekend. I have
an idea for a series of young adult novels and summer is my only
chance to get a leg up on trying this. I don’t want to feel like I am
abandoning him, but the past few years have seemed all about him.
When’s my turn?

Ready to Write

 
Dear Ready:

You shouldn’t just walk off with your laptop and wave goodbye. All
marriages are negotiations, and tougher times bring about harder
conversations. But yes you have the right to claim some of your time,
both at home and away. Both of you need to know he’ll be safe while
your attention is elsewhere. And he can diversify the people he spends
time with so you don’t feel chained to the cage.

 
Start at home after coming to some agreements about time. Say you
get three mornings a week and two afternoons. Or whatever works in
the schedule of PT appointments, gardening, and house chores. Agree
on the time that’s dedicated to undisturbed writing. He commits to not
interrupting you with the normal vagaries of life, and also to occupying
himself in ways that do not promote trips to the emergency room. You
commit to quality time together afterwards. Try it for two weeks and
refine the plan as needed. Work up to a weekend away, perhaps with
him having buddy time with friends for big pieces of it, so he doesn’t
get lonely and decide to do something risky. Before you leave get the
agreements on paper. Yes it sounds silly but might be enough to keep
him from climbing a ladder. Try it once. If it works, do it again. I’d
caution about asking him to read your early writing because he may
treat your laptop like a rival. Eventually it would be good to share, but
glide into it. He’ll be more fun again eventually.

No U Turns

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I was in a six-month something last year, where something was not
quite a relationship (he started out saying “I’m not in love with you but
I am very attracted to you”), yet more than an affair (the attraction
was mutual and satisfying and we got close), but ultimately not
enough for either of us. We took winter off and then started to go out
socially for movies, dinner, etc on a casual basis. He gave subtle and
then less subtle signals that he has interested in resuming the sexual
part of the relationship again, but stressed it would be friends with
benefits, not anything more. I know he’s tried to date but not found
anyone nearly as good for him as me. I have pretty much decided I’m
done with dating, and that the complications of friends with benefits
are outweighed by the brief pleasures. Last night he finally asked me
outright, “Are we ever going to get back together for FUN?” I was so
taken aback I said I wanted to sleep on it, even though what I should
have said was No! Is there more that I should say now?

No U Turns

 
Dear No U Turns:

The easiest answer is No!, but accompanying it with a note or email
that says more might help reinforce the impact. Here’s a shot at what
to say: Dear X – I’m flattered that you want to resume a sensual
relationship with me. You’re a nice guy and I enjoy being friends. But
our last round of “fun” left me a little off kilter and I would prefer to
avoid doing that again. We’ve worked to create what feels like a lovely
friendship. I like you and enjoy spending time together. I wish you
well in your dating search. But I’m not the gal for you. I hope you still
want to be my movie date. I’ll hug you an early good night.
Then leave it up to him to move towards you. And start diversifying
your repertoire of movie buddies. I predict he’ll move on.

Had It!!

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Our neighbors are addicted to power tools. Specifically weed whackers
and drills, both of which they operate at unreasonable hours,
especially on weekends. My husband and I both work, so sleeping in
on Saturday/Sunday is our only form of luxury, and on a weekend
evening our preference is to sit in the yard with a cold gin and tonic,
preferably acconmpied by silence. Is there a polite way to ask them to
keep things down during our rest periods? For the record, they’re
retired and could make a racket anytime. But they seem to want to
bother us, even though they smile and are cordial when we interact.

Had It!!

 
Dear Had It:

Before you talk to them, equip yourself with knowledge of local
ordinances. Sadly they may not be sufficiently stringent for you to get
your way. But at least you’ll know what the prevailing community
standard is. The next time your neighbors are making noise, go visit.
You could soften the message with a plate of cookies, but go together,
and ask if they can talk, two and two. Explain clearly and simply what
you want. Be prepared for them to give you all the reasons it’s not
possible. Under no circumstances lose your temper. Just quietly repeat
what you are asking for, that they work with their power tools during
weekday working hours, and respect that working folks need
weekends to rest up.

 
Most people would cease and desist, at least a little, for a while. If
they do not, try to enlist other neighbors to make the same visits. It
may take a few tries, but the message will penetrate. As long as
everyone is smiling while they talk, even if it’s fake, there’s still hope
for peace as well as quiet. I’ve seen these noise wars escalate, and
they can get ugly as well as noisy. Avoid that at all costs.

Out of !!!!s

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My former best friend is royally angry with me and I think she is very
in the wrong. We’ve been neighbors for 20 plus years. Our husbands
used to work together. Our sons grew up like brothers; both are
getting married this summer to wonderful young women. But she and
her husband have decided to move to where their son/daughter-in- law
will live. In the year since she made this decision our relationship has
deteriorated, in part because her attention is focused two hours north,
and in part because she’s started to treat me like chopped liver, as the
old saying goes. She assumes I am on tap for whatever she needs,
and has never once asked if I needed anything because she is so
preoccupied with her transition. She’s putting her house on the market
(for sale by owner) soon and asked if I would stand in for her. Why?
Because she and hubby are going to be out of town attending their
son’s Frisbee tournament! If it were the Olympics, I would stretch but
it is &*%^ frisbee and I work 60 hours a week plus care for my
own family. I told her “Sorry. No can do. Not enough time.” Now she is
accusing me of not being supportive of their move.

Out of !!!!s

 
Dear Out of:

Twenty years is plenty long enough for big asks, and I put hostessing
an open house in that category. But her request reflects a lack of
understanding of the status of your friendship. It’s not the same as,
say, Can I list your address for a package delivery? Or Can you fill in
for me when the cable guy comes in case I can’t make it home in
time? Selling a house requires not just a warm body to open the door
but being “on” socially with prospective buyers, and also being
knowledgeable enough about the home to be able to answer questions
that potential new owners might ask. No was a thoroughly legitimate
answer. She should reschedule the open house or pass on the Frisbee
trip.

 

I understand that your No came not only from not having much
discretionary time for yourself but also from your sadness about the
changes in the friendship. That seems like a worthwhile conversation
to have before she moves away.

Liberal

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Every year at Passover I am confronted by the fact that my relatives
are bigots. This despite that we’re a family of immigrants. The story
should be a cautionary tale: both sides of the family escaped Nazi
Germany in 1939, with the assistance of my father who had emigrated
a few years earlier. They worked amazingly hard their whole lives so
we kids had it easier. I live a life of privilege compared to the rest of
the planet so do all my family. So why should I have to sit without
speaking up at a ritual that’s supposedly about liberation from slavery
and hear my aunts and uncles say words my first-graders aren’t
allowed to us about people trying to immigrate here now. My parents
give me the eye-rolling looks that say I am not supposed to cause a
scene and confront anyone with their hypocrisy. How can I educate my
relatives that the door did not slam shut on America right after our
meshpochah landed?

Liberal

 
Dear Liberal:

Some families have rules forbidding discussion of politics at
gatherings, especially holidays. Others indulge in free-for- alls. While
it’s always possible that one or more are talking that way to annoy or
provoke you, the more possible truth, and sadly embarrassing
knowledge, is that they probably don’t realize how bigoted and
hypocritical their language is.

 
Given that it’s after the Seder, I’d send a follow-up email to the
offenders, or even to the family as a whole. Say very simply what you
tell your students when they use inappropriate language: that it is
dehumanizing and cruel, and reflects more poorly on the speaker than
the spoken of. Draw the obvious parallels between your family and
current immigrants, and ask some open-ended questions to spark a
dialogue. You might or might not have an impact, but at least you’ll
have served notice that you’re not going to be quelled from expressing
your own views. At a minimum, they’ll have to listen.

Tired of Gossip

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I know you get this question, or a variation of it, every year. But
please remind your readers about the etiquette of family events like
Seders. Every year I end up embroiled in the post-Seder round robin
conversations between various siblings, nieces, aunts, cousins, etc
critiquing the quality of so-and- so’s cooking, the inappropriateness of
someone’s attire, who said what to whom about what, etc etc etc for
every possible way that one human being can criticize or kvetch about
another. And this in a family that generally gets along and likes one
another

Tired of Gossip

 
Dear Tired of Gossip:

The irony of turning a holiday that’s about liberating ourselves from
slavery into enslaving ourselves to criticism is beyond sad. We’re
supposed to be about celebrating the end of 400 years of brick-making
and servitude. Not turning up the heat on those near and dear to us.
I’m reminded of the scene in Avalon, a movie set in Baltimore in the
mid-19th century, about two brothers who feud on a Thanksgiving.
One drives off in a huff while the other screams at him, waving a
drumstick, and they don’t talk for fifty years. (At least that’s how I
remember it.) Imagine 50 years without a sibling. You might smile for
a second after winning a small argument, but it would be a collassal
loss for you and your family.

 
So here’re the rules for all family events, from Passover through
Chanukah: Thou shalt not criticize others. That includes their cooking,
their clothing, their children, their homes, their cars, their choice of
vacations, or their choice of souvenirs for the meshpochah. Thou shalt
not say anything that can be misinterpreted by someone with a grudge
against someone else. When asked about anyone’s cooking, say, It
isn’t as good as I remember my mother’s but a very interesting new
way of doing that dish. When asked about someone’s atrocious new
sofa or dress say, It’s not my taste but it suits her and seems to be
making her very happy. Express joy for the satisfaction of others. Do
not appear to take any pleasure in the misfortunes, shame, failures, or
other life traumas of anyone in your circle. That’s actually a pretty
good way to improve your adherence to lashon hara, the mitzvah that
proscribes gossip. It’s also a good way to get people to like you more,
relatives or not. Kindness breeds kindness, not rancor.

Overwhelmed With Worry

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

What can I do to help a friend who has just been diagnosed with ALS?
Her health has been declining for the past two years. She has gone
from a vibrant public figure to a woman who needs a walker to get
from her recliner into her wheelchair. Her husband is overloaded
already caring for his 98-year- old mother. She has no biological
children, but does have adopted grandchildren (long story). I am her
friend and neighbor and usually run quick errands for her like library
books (my office is a block away) and specialty items from a favorite
store. But now she needs more and more help every day, and I’m
concerned the people who have been bringing her meals etc during the
most recent spate of testing and treatment may fad away with this
news. She is very appreciative for help but also very frightened, and
there is so very much to do around the house and in the bigger
picture.

Overwhelmed With Worry

 
Dear Overwhelmed:

There are two levels of support people who have received a terminal
diagnosis need. And be clear, even if it is a slowly progressing form of
ALS, there is no cure at this time. That doesn’t mean that any one of
her friend or family might not go first, but the prognosis is of
progressive decline until death. So the emotional level of support,
among family and the inner circle of closest friends needs to be
addressed first. Because the disease is not linear or predictable, it is
useful to first establish big criteria of needs: assists with meal
preparation or companionship in the house in the earlier stages,
compared to assists with bathing, eating, etc in later stages.

 
Fortunately there are many websites set up to support exactly this
kind of situation. One I know best is caringbridge.org, though I am
sure others are also good. It allows people to identify specific tasks
(e.g. a gluten free vegetarian dinner for two on a specific date, of two
hours of housecleaning) and friends to sign up to provide them. These
sits also allow the patient to give medical updates to people who care
about her welfare. Ask your friend if she wants help setting that up,
and perhaps offer to be her site manager (or recruit one). You are
right that a long haul will wear folks down. But it takes a village to
support us all in hard times.

The Good Daughter

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

My brother is addicted to pills, though will just get drunk if that’s all he
has. He has now lost her room in the house she was staying and her
fourth job as a nursing aide in a year. He relocated to my city to live
with our other, who is in the last stages of a terminal blood disorder,
though Mom has already outlasted the doctor’s predictions by almost
two years. Two points: (1) Mom is not supposed to drink, but often
they do that together; (2) David is “exhausted” from the move, and
wants to “take a month off to recuperate” before he looks for work. I
think he should not get a vacation but start putting out resumes today,
but both of them loudly told me off and said I was being “controlling
and judgmental.” I’m the responsible daughter who has to pick up the
pieces when they break things. Is there any way to avoid this train
wreck?

The Good Daughter

 
Dear Good Daughter:

In a word: No. You can try to ban alcohol from the house but addicts
always find a way to get their fix until they get clean and sober. You
can try to scare your mother with mortality, but if she’s already past
the doctor’s predictions she probably figures she can do as she
pleases, and who knows, maybe she is right. But it sounds like the
codependence will not help your mother as much as your brother.
Regarding the proposed vacation, your suggestion makes sense to me,
unless he needs the month to prepare for a pee test that would likely
be required to get a job. But even so, getting his resume together and
sending out letters and applications seems like a basic reality check to
reinforce the idea that he is there to help your mother, not live off her.
It might help to start with optimism when you speak to them, even if
you get heartburn and grit your teeth. But short of a miracle I think
you will be in this soap opera for a while.

The Assistant (No More?)

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

For years I worked for an executive who was very high-powered and
driven. Over time he began to lose his ability to do his job well and
eventually sold the company to younger folks. Five years later they
have paid him off and bought him out and essentially retired him. But
because he doesn’t know how to do nothing he has come up with a
plan that he started out calling “middle class services,” a name I have
convinced him to abandon. His theory is that double-working
households need cheap labor to do all the errands and chores that
they don’t have time for during the week, so they can have some
quality time together. Great theory. But he wants to set up a college
dropout into business to provide the kind of services the kid provides
him to others. That means going head to head with established
concierge and care companies, of which I found several with excellent
reputations and lower prices than he is proposing, all in a two-minute
google search.

He wants me involved as the lemon-sucker and offering to pay for
my time. I think the kid is just nodding yes to the guy who pays him
now, and is too lazy to build a business upon. I don’t mind consulting,
but I do mind batting my head against a wall knowing it is going to
get bloody and bruised.

The Assistant (No More?)

 
Dear Assistant:

You can earn your keep as you did in the past: by being a truth-telling,
lemon-sucking consultant. Before anyone starts a business they need
several important thing. In rough order: an idea for a product or
service that people want; an idea that’s not already being sold by so
many people or so cheaply that there’s not room for more
competitors; enough capital to get the process going and to outlast the
start-up period; intelligent committed staff who are willing to work
extra hard without a guarantee of success; and sufficient
communication, bonding, and common vision among owners and
employees that the folks on the ground can tell the folks upstairs what
needs to change, and the folks with the money can decide how much
they want to commit.

 
In this case, either you or the proposed employee can research the
market and suss out who is already providing those services. The
would-be entrepreneur may falter at your news. If not, he should take
a couple pages out of the multi-level- marketing playbook. That means
identifying all possible people he could approach or the erstwhile
employee could approach in his name to say, Hi, so-and- so has been
employing me to so x, y, and z and thought you might want a personal
assistant too. If he can connect with enough folks who will pay for his
time to fill up the FTE he is willing to work, you’ll quickly be able to see
if he is cut out for marketing and working. But if he’s just looking for a
middle management paycheck, it’s a great time to learn that you don’t
get to the middle till you start at the bottom.

Shell Shocked

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I worked with an abusive boss for 26 years. I am finally free of
working directly with him, but we’re both employed by the same
company. People who do still work with him come to me to vent, and it
causes all the same responses it did when I suffered more directly.
Just thinking about him causes an anxiety spike. It’s a physical
reaction in my body: twisting in my gut, racing pulse, shallow
breathing. All the classic fight or flight responses. I’m not even
discussing my mood, which plummets. My wife encouraged me to
unplug from him, but I cannot afford to quit, and at 58 am unlikely to
find a job as good as this one. What’re some things I can do, other
than avoiding him and conversations that include his name? It’s a form
of PTSD I am eager to finish healing.

Shell Shocked

 
Dear Shell Shocked:

What you are describing is indeed a form of PTSD. Also classic
Pavlovian conditioning. You need to switch off your responses to the
stimulus. Avoiding direct contact with his person and conversations
about him and his abusiveness is a great start. But better is to
cultivate relaxation responses, because you’re still in an orbit that
includes many old cues.

 

Start by identifying a code word for yourself that is your new
command to set the process in motion. Make it something silly and
unrelated to work: tofu, bozo, or papaya. The minute you start to feel
yourself respond in old ways, say the word and start imaging yourself
getting up from a chair at a table where he is sitting, walking out of
the room, and closing the door behind you. If you still hear his voice in
your head, image turning down the volume dial on a radio until it
fades to silence. See yourself walking into the sunlight and going to
meet your wife at your favorite restaurant at a vacation resort. See
yourself sitting at a table with her, looking at an incredible view, with a
plate of tasty tidbits and flight of beer or wine. If thoughts of him
reappear, start over: say your cue; close the door; turn down the
sound; and have another slosh of anesthetic. Do this often enough and
he will fade into your past.

 

PS if you start to develop a drinking problem, change the imagery and get
a therapist.

Off Duty Please

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

Can you help me design a “staycation?” My husband has had a raft of
medical problems. Sadly they include orthopedic problems, which
means that our normal hobbies of hiking and mushroom picking are
completely off the table. I’m a teacher and have a few weekends left
and then a long summer. I’m not expecting a two-week period at
home where I have no responsibilities, but I would like to design a
plan where I can get several days in a row to indulge my desire to
write. I have an idea for a children’s book, actually a series of them,
and a good friend who is an artist who can collaborate. My husband is
retired, not to mention grumpy from months of medical aggravation.
So he is lonely and looking for company. I don’t want to be unfriendly,
but I’m stressed by his condition also, and need my summer to
recharge.

Off Duty Please

 
Dear Off Duty:

You need to balance out the mix of responsibility with creativity.
Anyone who works at home will confirm that simply walking into the
kitchen to get a cup of coffee can trigger many hours of
procrastination and distraction, especially if one’s creative work isn’t
flowing. So you will need to set clear boundaries about when you do
what, and get an agreement from your husband to help you reinforce
them, and to keep out of your way in your creative time zones.

 

You don’t want him to think that your time together is all about work.
Getting him engaged in household maintenance before you get your
creative staycations is a deal he will have to agree to. Put a carrot in
the stick and make plans for a big date at the end of each one. For
example, Monday and Tuesday are together days doing home care.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday until 3:00 is your creativity zone.
Then weekend is playtime together. Part of your prep is to have your
“creativity bag” ready to go: a tote with a dedicated set of materials
including laptop, clipboard, drawing paper, dictation device, whatever
you need all packed and ready to grab. Then on Wednesday morning,
head out to a coffee shop and set up for creativity. In the house, have
a special flag or sign that says, “The Writer is Out” which hubby should
agree to respect, house fires or broken legs notwithstanding.

Teach

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

I work in a relatively poor rural school district. Most of us who teach
here do it for love of the children. Certainly not for the very low
salaries and bad working conditions. Last autumn we finally got a new
superintendent, who replaced an arrogant and I suspect corrupt
predecessor. He diverted all the money that souls have improved
academics to sports teams. The new one is all about classrooms and
getting students access to technology. This week, for Teacher
Appreciation Day, he personally went to each school and put a giant
Snickers bar into each teacher’s mailbox. He also sent a sweet email
acknowledging our professionalism and commitment. I was away at a
training, but came back to an empty mailbox, if you don’t count the
normal detritus of district announcements. A friend reported that a
much-unloved colleague had gone around harvesting the candy from
the boxes of those of us who were away or sick, cheerfully gloating,
“You snooze, you lose!” in front of several other teachers. She missed
any sense of irony, given that she is about 100 pounds above a
healthy BMI. I don’t even like Snickers, but I know folks who do. And
I’m annoyed at her behavior. Say what to her?

Teach

 
Dear Teach:

I’d avoid fat shaming, because you’d feel almost the same if she were
skinny and a chocolate thief, though perhaps a little less self-
righteous. Simple post a sign in the teachers lounge that says this:
Dear Candy Thief: Among the values we try to teach our students are
integrity and honesty. The candy bar you removed from my box while
I was away at a teacher training was a symbolic but meaningful thank
you. I would like to appreciate it in my own way. Please return it to my
mailbox without further ado.

 

Most folks would be shamed and comply. Those that would not be are
so inured to public opinion that virtually northing will impact their
psyche. Either way, thank the new superintendent.

Second Chance at Life

Dear Jewish Fairy Godmother:

This question is at the intersection of family of origin and family of
choice. Or perhaps at the intersection of clashing cultural norms and
politeness. Long life story made very short: I was a happily married
woman for thirty-five years before my husband died. I was single for
ten years. If you can add that puts me in my late sixties. For the last
year I have been in a warm and loving relationship with a woman who
has been my best friend for two decades. She was also widowed, and
we had a long history of taking vacations with our husbands, theatre
and dinner dates, etc, which we continued after the funerals. One
night we had a conversation about very personal and intimate things,
and within a month we were lovers. Now we think of ourselves as
“married” although we live in a state that doesn’t even recognize civil
unions between same-sex couples. A nephew, who used to be a
favorite, is having his third wedding. He’s a successful NYC lawyer and
likes showing off to his colleagues and clients. The invitation received
came with a reply card already checked off in the “Will come
unaccompanied” box, and a quick handwritten note from my nephew
that read “I’m sure you’ll understand.” In fact, I do not understand
and feel both slighted and annoyed. The reality is that my honey has
as little interest in attending as my nephew does in hosting her. But
the idea of a great weekend in NYC seeing some shows and museums
sounds like a grand anniversary weekend. I’m hurt and want to wring
his ears. What’s the right reply?

Second Chance at Life

 

Dear Second Chance:

You have a variety of options. No matter which you choose, it should
be accompanied by a blunt burst of education for your socially
conscious nephew. Tell him in no uncertain terms that your current
partner is your life partner, for better or worse, for nephew or worse,
just as his fiancée will be to him. Assure him that your relationship will
be damaged in some measure if he fails to understand that and
acknowledge that.

 

As for the wedding, you can choose to not attend at all, and the same
with a gift, or nothing more than a token. You can tell the truth about
why, or say you and your honey already have plans to be in NYC
another weekend and cannot do both. (You could ask if he’d like to
meet her, if only to goose him a little.) You could choose to attend the
ceremony, because, after all, family is family, but skip the party. But
in no circumstances should you let him off the hook for his rudeness.
You don’t need to trash him to your common kin. But if a little guilt
seeps into his head, maybe he’ll grow up, as he should.